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Previous thread:>>40857568

Welcome to the Thread! Kinderquestria/Anon in pone prison focuses on the world and adventures of naive child like ponies and the misadventures and shenanigans of Anon that results in him going to prison! To get a good handle on how things are done around here I implore you to check out our new and improved one stop shop of kinder greens and prompts here >> https://ponepaste.org/7630
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She has invited you inside
My liege, the palace grows overcrowded. I'm afraid we need to annex more living space from Fort Spike.
KEK fucking hell
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You lot are witty. Favorite thread, easily.
This is how the pros do it Twilight. Don't forget to place your mattress on the floor.
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>and that's how you were exiled to the couch because Twilight thought you were calling her fat
Traitorous jackanape! I shall construct a new kingdom, and it shall contain go-fish and cuddly mares!
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why is twi in conei?
She keeps licking her tail. She must was it like a normal pony
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Sweetie Belle trying to earn her cutie mark in being a claw machine prize
She is quite the prize.
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>POV: you accidentally told Rarity about the concept of risqué clothing, while forgetting to mention their purposes, and now there’s an epidemic of oblivious ponies going around in lingerie
10 is no place for a kinderpone
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Ceiling Filly is watching you masticate (she wants a bite pls)
I'd share with swibble.
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Twiggles has amassed a collection of (your) snacks.
salt and vinegar master race
The Kingdom of Pizza will never surrender!
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sour cream & onion master race here
Classic here. I can eat those until I permanently damage my tongue, and nearly have at times.
All are good except pizza. If you like pizza you're the same person who hates vanilla ice cream.
I prefer chocolate but vanilla is fine too
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Oh my god, chocolate flavored... you've just unlocked a memory that was hidden away for many years. Of a simpler time, but one I had to forget so that I didn’t do something silly. Thank you, Anon.
Right, that sounds confusing. With the context of the Pringles discussion before, your post made me remember that chocolate-flavored Pringles exist, or existed at one point. Apologies.
>Swibble's power level is so high
>She can turn anything into baked Alaska
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>My filly just keeps doing this all day! Is there anything you can do to help?”
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that's normal, that's how they orientate themselves
Put her on a spinning plate connected to a dynamo. Eventually she'll realize she's generating power and wander off to do something that isn't chores.
Very rhythmic. The offscreen pony is the lead rhythm, while Dashie is accentuating it in half-time. And Twilight...
Is adorable
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Someone help, she's trapped on page 9
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fresh snow amre
>Containment Class: Keter
>Harm Potential: Unknown
>Moral Decay: Frequent and severe

>Special Containment Procedures:
SCP-002 vastly prefers targeting lone victims. Prevention is as simple as encouraging shared sleeping arrangements, especially among the very young; current social engineering programs have been extremely successful and are predicted to remain so for the foreseeable future.
In the event of a manifestation, SCP-002 instances can be banished by performing the Checklist Against Fear (CAF) ritual. The CAF requires one pony who is considered to be an authority figure by the victim(s); the ritualist must make a show of checking every furniture-descendant space, wall recess and obscured corner of the room. Maintaining civilian knowledge of this ritual is critical to combatting SCP-002 without unfeasible deployment costs.

SCP-002 is a monster of variable appearance, size and density which can only be perceived by foals below the age of Big Brother/Sister. These foals are also its primary targets, as SCP-002 is sighted exclusively within their rooms during bedtime hours. The victims invariably describe a sense of unease, greater awareness of shadows and potential ambush spots, and an inability to sleep. All of these symptoms increase with greater exposure to SCP-001. While no adults so far have been able to perceive SCP-002, victims usually report an absence of the entity after the CAF is performed. This suggests that SCP-002 fears adults, but without capturing one for study, all information about its psychology and physiology are purely speculative.
Play hide and seek with mares, you've been hiding behind the curtains in the living room for only about two minutes, but there's already a city wide search and rescue mission underway by the guards and every able body pony in town.

>Be Anon
>Get bored
>Start doing Assassin's Creed stuff irl-
>Gravity works off of Rule of Cool here
>Haybales are almost pillow-soft too
>Towns are full of toysheds and secret clubhouses
>Flower patches are super dense and ponies have all sorts of Chest High Walls to hide behind
>Your hiding spots are so obvious, the ponies must be playing along
>Kinderquestria rules
>Have tons of fun being the Candy Ninja, strategically planting chocolate coins behind ponies' ears

>One day, an evil goth mare who looks kind of like a panther ate the sun for a while
>Follow her to the Evil Ruins of Evil
>You're successfully hiding from her?
>She even went "Must have been the wind" when you stumbled and made her ears perk up
>Alright then
>Run interference for the Mane 6, dashing between hiding spots and hucking rocks at Moony's cheeks when she starts casting a Big Spell

>Cockatrice incident
>Keep making distracting noises
>CMCs are too busy looking around to look at the cockatrice
>Oh shit it got Fluttershy
>You're prepared to lay down your life for the butter horse
>Stand up from the bushes, stare the fucker down
>What the fuck were you thinking?
>Your bones are already made of rock
>This appears to be confusing the cockatrice's magic
>Fucker keeps pouring magic at you but you're already made of salt and calcium and coal
>Fluttershy's petrifying slowly enough to bully the snekbirb into fixing everything

>This continues on for years
>Kinderquestria is way more dangerous than it looked at first
>You keep operating from the shadows
>It started as a silly game but now you're genuinely worried what they would think of you if they knew
>Their friendly neighborhood babysitter moonlights as a master ranger, assassin and general Cool Dude
>Apple Bloom makes a lone delivery to the swamp cajuns
>With no boots, whip or cottage cheese
>And predictably runs into a chimera
>She tied her harness too tight, and can't ditch the wagon
>You're not going to let Applejack lose another
>It has too many heads to distract all at once
>Fuck it, we ball
>Stand up out of the bushes
>Grab that fucking snake
>Drag the whole kit n kaboodle into the bushes
>Knock them out with your unregistered sock full of coins
>Thank fuck this place also runs on cartoon rules for unconsciousness
>Apple Bloom being, well, Apple Bloom, approaches the bushes where she just saw her would-be killer dragged kicking and screaming
>Her mouth, hanging open in shock, is suddenly stuffed with a chocolate coin
Inagine some pone forgetting their scarf and hat in winter.
>anon offers them to climb into his jacket to stay warm.
>Other poners saw and got jealous.
>Next day everyone "forgot" their winter clothes so anon carries all of them one at a time
I'm gonna pet that mare.
Not if I pet her first! I-I’m not scared of your digits!
You know, I'm morbidly curious: Are there any lewd/NSFW Kinderquestria greens out there?
yes as a matter of fact there are a few on the pastedown linked in the OP
I've been wanting to write a silly one about how hard it is to do the deed in a TV-G world
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Do it, give us the wholesome sexo that can only come from a TV-G world
What would happen if an Anon came to Kinderquestria with his entire G4 toy collection?
i feel like they'd be shocked actually, imagine an alien popping up an earth and said alien had human toys and one of them looked just like you.
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They all come to life by the power of kinder magic and now he has a whole country of tiny rambunctious kinderpones ready to make their own lil Equestria out of pillows and popsicle sticks in the middle of his living room.
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Thread's slow lately, perhaps THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE can fix it?
KEK yes
i want this to be a greentext so fucking bad kinder bros
i want to see them develop an economy
i wanna see them trade popsicle sticks and stuff and watch them build and interact with the regular kinder pones so bad
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Burgie hoers
Something about those onion rings seems very lewd
Do you think onion rings are enough to stop a unicorn's magic from working?
It depends how hungry the unicorn is at the time of the onion rings’ placement.
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>"Anonymous, I believe you when you say you had very good reason to force the Elements from your home but..."
>Princess Luna rests a hoof on your hand as you hold the doorknob.
>"I insist that you help *me* to help the them to understand that reason."
>You let out a sigh.
>Years of hard work is about to go down the fucking drain.
>If this place taught you ANYTHING it was that your entire collection was about to be stolen by those research ponies.
>FUCK you're gonna miss your scarf and jerseys.
>But you don't have a choice anymore.
"Just... If you're gonna touch anything, it stays in here alright?"
>She seems a little confused but nods.
>Turning the handle you let the door swing open.
>One of the few locked doors in Equestria, approved by Princess Celestia herself. And allegedly thief proof.
>Immediately you can see the same reaction you would see on Earth. But for different reasons.
>Probably going to be followed by disgust.
>"Anonymous, it is... Incredible."
"Yeah, if I'd known it'd come with me I wouldn't have filled that- What?"
>"Filled what?"
"Oh it's nothing, buried under a radiator now, you were saying?"
>"I said incredible. Indubitably." She adds as she walks towards your vinyls.
>"May I?"
>Shocked that she even felt the need to ask you nodded and waited for her to pick up herself.
>She actually picks up Celestia.
>"And you made these?"
"Yeeaah. Super secret method. Can't really do it anymore either. They gotta stay here."
>She puts it down with a sigh.
>"That is a shame. These are all still quite remarkable and made in such good quality. Why?"
>Damn that's hardly a kinder-level question.
"You're all just that important to me."
>That felt good to say.
>"No, I meant why can't you construct any more?"
>Ah, there's the kinder-level question.
>"Though I'm sure everypony would be quite pleased with your initial answer." She smiles.
"Telling would mean explaining their secret ingredient. Can't tell ya."
"I understand, Anonymous. I'll take my leave now that I am certain it's nothing harmful to ponies."
>Just as she's about to leave a though occurs,
"Luna, wait, you're not going to tell anyone about these are you?"
>"Likely just my sister. I am obligated to also inform the-"
>Raising a finger you run back and pick up one of many-a Pop-Funko you're willing to part with and come back.
>You got lucky the first time with Pinkie witnessing the Pinkie-Promise that they wouldn't tell anyone else about your stuff.
"Maybe we can work something out about that part."
>Now for some more insurance.
>When she sees it you already know her answer.
>Anonymous was quite the trader but you had to have them.
>Immediately upon teleporting to your private chambers you delicately unpackaged them from their confines.
>A small and a large figurine of your beloved sister.
>Yes, through your bartering the fun has been DOUBLED!
>Though you do have to acquire him a Hyperspace Hyperwars army but as Princess the task is trivial!
>First you settle the "Pop" Celestia upon your nightstand so that it may watch over you while you dream.
>Secondly you bring the "keychain" Celestia upwards, yousettle the metal ring onto your horn and begin to spin it very fast.
>You pity the unhorned who cannot know such joy.

Or maybe when she opens their containers they come to life like some Indian In the Cupboard type shit and suddenly Luna has little baby Celetias and Anon becomes Trazyn the Infinate.
>Containment Class: Safe
>Danger Class: Wielder-Dependent
>Psychological Class: Reassuring

>Special Containment Procedures:
SCP-1662-1 is the property of the Crown, to be used in knighting ceremonies
SCP-1662-2 is the property of SCP-063-G, who has been knighted to permit ownership(1)
SCP-1662-3 is to be kept in storage, preferably stuck into a stone as befits such a blade. SCP-1622-3 may be issued to duly-appointed knights.

>(1) We didn't want to, really- but YOU try taking it from her

SCP-1662 is a collection of 3 masterwork blades, 2 of which were found in Anon's house upon his arrival; the last of them was on Femanon's person when she arrived. Each instance is a claymore(2), made of materials of unknown provenance and purposeful construction(3). To date, no SCP-1662 instance has been broken, chipped, or bent, despite very hard use by monster-bonking brigades. SCP-1662 appears to deal Cold Iron, Fire and Silver damage(4), as it has been used to drive back hydras and chimeras with no alterations between altercations.

>(2): Compared to a pony. SCP-063 instances have proven able to wield them deftly.
>(3): As we know, common swords are found on the ground near forests, provided by nature itself. The knowledge that a sword could be constructed is a mild cognitohazard; refer to your Fibbing Officer if you require cover stories.
>Hyperspace Hyperwars
Oh shit what happens when they find Anon's Dark Eldar army?
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kek, that was some funny shit my nigga
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Qt filler
>"I was born on Page 8, while you merely adopted it"
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>the green menace enters kinderquestria
>former human with full memories
Lets be honest, picrelated is inevitable. They need as many mature adults as they can get
"Applejack, eat the vegetable!"
>"But ah don' wanna! It's a nasty plant!"
"Apples come from plants, are apples nasty?"
>"Don'chu try yer fancy mathematics on m-"
"Will you eat the bucking salad, if I put apple slices on it?"
>".....Ah guess"
>Suddenly a slideshow of your life on the astral plane
>"Hello my little pony, it seems you're learning even faster than I antici-"
>Celestia is interrupted by your teenage years
>Meaning she walked into a FUCKTON of porn and angst
>Oh god and the thing at summer camp
"HEY, none of that shizz is illegal in the places it was filmed, capiche?"
>".....I did not know you could do that with a turnip. I'll have to inform my attendants."
But what would she be a princess of?
Princess of Babysitting/Princess of Tomboy Sisterhood/Princess of Common Sense idk
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pre bed boop
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Your princess demands your attention
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Twilight, stop eating the cat's food. That's not meant for ponies.
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Angry amre
How can I remedy an angry amre?
With their favorite food/drink and belly rubs/ear scritches
She bites at me every time my hand gets close...
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>Breaking News
>According to testimony from Anon, outer space is actually a path made of milk
>This has caused a gold rush of astroponies seeking to find new sources of dairy for the motherland
>Bookkeeping services have also seen skyrocketing patronage due to ponies wanting to gamble on what kind of milk it is
>Smart money is on chocolate due to the darkness of the night sky, but this reporter threw a few juice boxes on Strawberry- what can I say, I'm a dreamer!
>We go now to the latest recording from our reporter Featherweight, embedded within the Cutie Milk Crusaders' expeditionary force
>"We've stopped on a little rockazoid we're calling Dirt 2. As you can see behind me, we've stopped for a bit to set up a new telecommunications cannon- the artillery ponies can get a message all the way home from here in 3 shots or less! Morale is high, but there's a prevailing attitude of 'princess twilight pls send us more lunch money!'"
>Powerful stuff!
>This has been Rachel Meadow, reporting for the Foal Free Press!
I love it. I love it so much.
Let poner cool off then
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>Ponies made planetfall on Horse Mars today.
>"We're getting reports from multiple survey teams-"
>"We have confirmation- the dust is cocoa powder!"
"Gee, Anon, your people sure are wise- naming the Mars chocolate company after the chocolate planet!"
"Just think, Spike- the sky was full of cereal this whole time!"
"But is the moon really made of cheese?"
"It must be- what else could Luna have eaten for 1,000 years?"
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fresh minuette for you guys
I want to hold her and never, ever let go
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>Twilight, stop this right now!
>You weren't not invited, your invitation just got lost in the mail!

>You are anonymous and
“OW! Bad twi BAD!”
>You retract your hand, which has been bit.
>Before you lay, an angry amre.
>You don’t know why Purple is so miffed, but she’s giving sighs of all 8 stages of angy.
>Which you were especially trained to recognize. You just use your eyes.
>But all the signs are there.
>The pinned-back ears.
>The furrowed brow.
>The flared nostrils, complete with the snoring flowing a small puff of air.
>Tight lips, scrunchy snoot,
flushed face, pinpoint pupils.
>She was even rocking the danger vein. >This was bad. You tried to administer her favorite snack belly rubs and scritches to no avail.
>For the amre, noms your hand every time you get close.
>It doesn’t hurt, but after the fifteenth, time it goes from being cute to being annoying but still cute.
>Having enough, you turn around and produce your anti-angy pony kit.
>You pull out a fresh hayburger and... A PLASTIC KNIFE.
>The hoops you had to jump through and promises made just to be permitted access to this still haunts you.
>But you were on a mission; it’s takes a bit because the knife is duller than the color gray, but you manage to cut the burg into bit-sized pieces.
>Putting them in your hand and closing ketchup squelches onto your hand; it’s gross but worth it.
>Turning back to the fuming twilight as you approach, her eyes snap back to you.
>You’ll have to be fast as you approach, fist closed, and slowly outstretch it towards her.
>She snorts before going in for the bite.
>You turn your hand over and open as she bits down on the burg.
There’s a pause. Nothing happens before a resounding.
>"YUMMY!" emmits from Twilight as she eats from your hand with gusto.
>You breathe a sigh of relief as the sighs of the angry amre fade before your eyes.
>Twilights ears perk up; her brow is no longer furrowed.
>Snout? unscrunched Pulpils? Big and full of wonder.
>Even her tail was swishing as she ate. Yep, all was well. You once again saved the day and avoided mishap for once.
>The library door opens.
>It’s a nurse's red heart!
>”Oh anon I can say that as fast as I could, I heard there was a level eight.”
>She trials off her eyes tracking towards your hand you follow her gaze.
>Twlight with gusto was now licking your hand clean of ketchup.
>You inhale and exhale slowly, turning back to see a red heart, true to her name, completely red.
>You don’t even get to open your mouth before she faints on the spot.
>You face the palm with your free hand.
>You were so getting a timeout and a stern talking to for this.
Nurse Redheart is a very underrated Big Pony
would hug
Kek based
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A weapon to surpass Metal Gear
How did Celestia even win?
What would happen if you peek a boo'd a pony?
they'd spook
Through the valorous efforts of her top spy: Solid Shake, dairy assassin.
He was supposed to steal her milkshakes but Celestia couldn't spell dairy, so he ended up leaking Luna's diary to the public.
How are you so funny all the time?
He's clearly a based giga chad
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Danger boops
Twilight is achieving levels of scrunch previously unheard of
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Be very careful when showing video games to kinderponies; even games rated E for Everypony can cause immense distress under the wrong circumstances.
She’s gonna have to learn the credits warp to ensure the least amount of ‘loss’ over the course of the game or convince me to open up Luna Magic and remove every enemy/fill every dangerous pit
What if ponies mentally aged backwards? Like, foals are wizened and knowledgeable, and as they grow up they lose more and more of their intellect and common sense until they become infantilized?
Why did the OP message devolve so much? What happened to the old paste?

Prompt index and a must read to see what this is about:

Short stories by Britanon

One Prison Story List

List of Kinderquestria Greens

Kinder SCP Foundation

Why did this part of the OP paste get removed?
all of that is in the new link, the new link is list of everything maybe you should check it out?
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>Ponies discover Anon's house is built different
>It's not just 4 walls and a roof, it's full of hidey-holes
>Secret passages and "crawlspaces"
>Hidden hallways inside the walls
>He must be a king or something
Containment Class: Drop-safe
Danger Class: Maybe?
Psychological Class: Super fancy!

Special Containment Procedures:
>SCP-1625 is to be stored in the headquarters' kitchen. SCP-1625-A is in continuous use by kitchen staff. SCP-1625-B is to be kept in the fine chineigh cabinet, and brought out at the O5 council's discretion to impress dignitaries and potential sources of funding.

>SCP-1625-A is a set of glass measuring cups, with clearly-marked red measuring lines. Any competent chef can speed their work with the use of SCP-1625; the increase to morale from being trusted with glassware likewise cannot be denied.
>SCP-1625-B refers to 12 identical full dinner place settings(1), made of ceramics. In addition to the normal social advantage such spreads can provide, SCP-1625 appears by all accounts to be masterfully made; testing has confirmed this is a non-anomalous physical property.
>SCP-1625 appears to be non-anomalous at first glance, and casual observers tend to assume it is merely a gift from a larger-than-average species. The only visual abnormality is the embossed runes along the bottom of most of the objects, reading "PYREX."(2) SCP-1625's anomalous properties only become evident when dropped from a height of one filly's head or higher, at which point the object will miraculously fail to be broken. Extensive testing was performed before the object was cleared for diplomatic use; the testing logs have been redacted due to redundancy.(3)

(1): Compliant with Miss Fancyskirt's Proper Tea Party Etiquette
(2): It is presumed this is either a maker's name or a word of Power; testing is underway.
(3): They all started with "testfriend dropped/smacked/bit the thing" and ended with "thing didn't break."
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>Be me, Anon
>I'm wearing a slightly fancier-than-usual suit
>Apparently I'm getting married
>After the Pretty Ponies Purchasing Panties Epidemic, Rarity and I needed to talk
>I tried explaining to Rarity what exactly lingerie was for

>"I fail to see the issue- you described an utterly compelling new avenue of fashion- one that combines the alien and exotic with familiar satin and frills- and I produced it."
"No, Rarity- they make you look SEXIER!"
>"ANON! Don't use such language in front of a lady- especially when her YOUNGER. SISTER. is home! To say nothing of what Twilight would think of your mangling of proper grammar, why I never!"
"Rarity, you're-"
"Rarity, it's a good thing- and a compliment!"
>"Explain. Without actually using such vulgarity, mind you!"
"Ugh. Okay, so, that S word? It's.. the human term for.... making foals?"
>Rarity's mouth was now at one and one quarter agape
"And lingerie- makes you uh, look more attractive... to your, uh, special somepony? Especially for the purpose of making, well, the S word?"
>Oh shit, I'mma need to find a new seamstress aren't I?
"It might be a human thing, I guess- we don't have seasons or pheromones, we just kinda see a beautiful person and that gets everything started. So there's a big emphasis on playing with your appearance-"
>Why do her eyes look pinker now?
"Geez, these are all things humans are expected to just KNOW, you know? It's weird trying to talk about it when I've never really needed to think about it, I'm sorr-"
>She gasped
>"And the first pony you attempt to teach is MOI? Why, of course you were- the stories of Paris, all the Prench you speak-"
>She's ugly-happy-crying now
"My mother told me I'd understand when it happened, and I laughed! I suppose she'll have the last laugh when she meets her future son in law!"

>So yeah
>5 minutes from now we'll be husband and wife
>A couple hours from now and she might be pregnant- assuming ponies and humans can breed
>Don't see why not, considering ponies and friggin DRAGONS can
>Weird thing is, I'm not nervous?
>Shit, maybe there was an unconscious reason I told Rarity about cute frilly underwear
>That reason being I want to fuck her
>Y'know, in case that wasn't clear
Anon better put on his fanciest Spongebob shirt and hurry up on over to the ballpit for the marriage ceremony!
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Containment Class: standard
Scary Rating: Low/Med

SCP-1843 is an artifact recovered from Anonymous the Human's residence which is frequently refered to as "The Karkis". Anonymous stored the artifact in a very specific location every night, a white ceramic bowl on the dining table. This specific ritualistic behaviour indicates that the artifact type is most likely of religious importance to humans.

>SCP-1843 is a small black device.
>Attached to the device is a ring structure with several metal(1) strips.
>These metal strips seem to have no obvious purpose, but they make soothing noises when the device is jostled, so these are most likely for aesthetic purposes.

>The black device is covered in buttons with mysterious markings that are from no known language (2).
>The purpose of the buttons is unclear, but on occasion Anonymous has been observed to point the device at the large loud stinkbox located outside his residence, resulting in a loud BEEP BEEP noise.
>As the artifact was recovered during Anonymous' naptime, it was deemed too dangerous to test the buttons since the loud noise could wake up the human.

>The device is currently safely stored under a pillow in Bookfort Eleven, awaiting further testing.

(1): as determined by Chew Test
(2): neither Common Equestrian, Uncommon Equestrian, or Humanian language

>Anonymous has been quite upset following the loss of his artifact.
>He has been observed staring through the glass of the stinkbox for extended periods of time(3)
>It is likely the artifact and the stinkbox are connected for some purpose

(3): Perhaps trying to make the stinkbox go BEEP BEEP using telepathy since he lacks the artifact to make it do so
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SWAT (Swear Words Ain't Tolerated) officers have been dispatched to your location. Remain where you are and keep your mouth where we can see it.
New, improved and expanded old trixie/dummy story, hopefully I can finish it this time- already working on a new part.

>Be Snips
>Kinderponies need sugar to live
>Everypony knows this
>Even you and Snails know this, and y'all don't know shit.
>Well, you know one other thing: grownups have been getting awfully skinny ever since Barnyard Bargains stopped carrying sugar.
>The Apples' trees are going bare too; something about overbucking?
>You told her to aim lower, she did that thing where she laughs without smiling. Like when you ask about her parents or batponies or how banana candy doesn't taste like bananas.

>Moonday morning!
>You almost sleep in
>The smell of your mother's cooking is better than any alarm clock
>This morning, there's no smell of big chunks of chocolate
>No syrup, no frosting
>Not even the fragrant aroma of that most cherished frybread, the pancake!
>Dinosaur nuggies smell great though
>Weird that your mom is making lunch-dessert for breakfast-not-dessert though
>Even weirder, there's no honey mustard or bbq sauce
>You get downstairs and almost scream
>Your mom is tired
>You haven't seen her this tired since she had to stay up all night signing papers after the future maker of your dino nuggies came to town
>Someday, you swear, you'll give her heart-eyes and jump on the bed together all night long
>Breakfast went by in a haze of bittersweet memories
>It's gonna be real hard to woo Trixie after you kinda-sorta ruined her life, even if you didn't mean to
>Miss Twilight being a weirdo who didn't understand what a PERFORMANCE is sure didn't help
>"SNIPS! Stop muttering about that magician and get to school!"

>Apparently, school is out.
>Cheerilee left a note saying she's too tired and grumpy to be around foals.
>It even has an official doctor's note stamp.
>Poor Cheerilee, here's hoping she doesn't go super-evil mode and give herself a stupid name like Permanent Record or Failing Grade and try to cancel recess forever.
>You really should apologize for leaving that turnip in your desk over the summer.
>Oh well, problems for future Snips; right now: a day off!
>Hot dang, a day off!
>Actually, it's days off for "the indefinite future."
>That's a weird word, isn't it?
>It sounds like it means 'not definite' but school is definitely out right now.
>What do you do now?
>You and Snails can't casually hang out yet.
>His family is hosting Carrot Top since her house got smashed, and he has to be her butler until it's rebuilt.
>Really weird that it's taking this long.
>Usually takes like a week, tops, for a townhouse to go up.
>You've had plenty of opportunities to time it yourself!
>Most of them weren't even remotely your fault, too!
>Might as well go through the market, maybe you can get something to cheer your mom up?
>Something is really off about the market lately, honestly.
>All the ponies 'round here look as tired as your mom.
>You're *really* starting to suspect ponies are hungry. Your mom says she's on a diet but she was already the skinniest mare in town.
>You're not sure if she's even following the Cheat Day laws!
>Everypony knows it's harmful to diet if you don't cheat on it every Sunday, but you've seen no signs of maternal compliance:
>No cupcake wrappers licked clean and stuffed at the bottom of the trash, no missing wheels of cheese and a suspiciously wheel-shaped mother, no empty sodas and a mare burping out "no I didn't drink them what made you think I did?"
>No nothing!
>You check the trash every day to make sure, and then mom gets that applejack frown and-
>Hey, what's the green chimpy doing here at this time of day?
>He's yelling about beets and corn again.
>Nopony's listening to him. What's he thinking? Talking about dessert when ponies' diets won't even allow dinner?
>What can you expect from a guy who claims his family didn't need magic to run a farm?
>His increasingly unhinged speeches have lead to the name "The Great and Powerful Farmanon."
>He seems pretty desperate today, poor guy.
>You slow down to humor the new village dunce; you've been there before, after all.
>Your family is still paying for the new Ponyville Warm Milk Tower.
>You start to tune him out as those thoughts lead directly to your future forever-sleepover-pal Trixie, but you catch words like 'sugar' and 'syrup.'
>Making sugar from beets? Yep, he's still crazy. Poor guy probably doesn't even know the name is ironic.
>He offers you a cookie. Technically he's not a stranger, but he's not-NOT a stranger. You learned that nuance when you accepted a stuffed toy from Twilight and woke up in Ponyville General with several class-2 internal booboos.
>You square the difference and bring it home to your mom. Grownups have royal permission to talk to strangers, so your mom should be able to eat this.
>You end up taking your patented Super Duper Overly Long Shortcut Through The Forest.
>It's actually faster than the main road since you don't run into ponies out there.
>Ponies tend to clog your brain with big words, especially Miss Twilight and her fancy four-syllable reading level.
>Why does everypony use big words? It's-
>Run, colt, run!
>Hey, you know what'd be great during this wakey-or-sleepy crisis?
>Some intrusive thoughts!
>Honestly, you and Snails would probably have become bear poop if you ran into Miss Twilight that night.
>She'd start talking about the antidisestablishmentarianism of the arboreum or something and then all three of you would be inside a bear because you just know Miss Twilight wouldn't stop a lecture to save her own life.
>And then the bear poop would get eaten by the trees and then all three of you would be an apple harvest and your mom would eat you and you'd be back inside your own mom and she'd be super sad and missing you even though you're probably somewhere in her left leg forever- no, she wouldn't poop you out too, moms don't poop you gross dumm-
>Suddenly, gravity!
>Wow that was a weird tangent, even for you.
>This comfy ditch you fell into was kind enough to snap you out of it.
>You tumbled and landed with your snoot mere inches from a sky blue sack of bees.
>Wait, bees come in yellow sacks, everypony knows that.
>Is that-
>Yes! It's that cool mare!
>The one who makes you think of snoot booping and hoofholding:
>THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE... Is dead in a ditch!?
>Oh hayburgers!
>That rumbling must be what killed her! Possibly even the second Ursa Minor you've encountered in this precise location, and you don't have Snails to distract it with a-
>Hang on.
>That rumbling is localized entirely inside of Trixie!
>THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE is only dying in a ditch.
>Seriously, she looks hungrier than your mom and why would a super cool famous mare need to diet?
>You *were* going to take this cookie to your mom, but wouldn't she want you to save the future mother of her grandfoals instead?
>The cookie is barely unwrapped before it's gone in a flash of blue, replaced with a thin sheen of You're-never-washing-this-hoof-again.
>Not that you do anyway
>"CELESTIA'S TIMEOUT CORNER! Of all the ponies to find me, why did it have to be you?"
>Looks like Trixie got up while you were zoned out again
>She's incredibly peeved to see you.
>Not that you can blame her. Since, y'know, you lead that giant bear into town.
Why did ponies get mad at her to begin with? It's like... her job to be a plothead onstage and make ponies look silly.
You're the one who wanted to see her fight it, she never actually told you to do that.
>"THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE.... cannot believe she is saying this, but apology accepted. You did save her from starvation, after all."
>You forgot that thoughts are when you don't make the sounds with your mouth. Task failed successfully?
>"What was in that cookie, by the way? Trixie's refined palate detected an oddity she cannot put to words. Not *bad*, mind you- just different."
>You explain how that Anon guy was trying to convince ponies with food but you weren't really listening to him
"It DEFINITELY contained beets though, he said that word an awful lot."
>"It most certainly did not. Trixie detected only the pure, sweet taste of a sugar cookie. Trixie is also.... feeling..... slightly bad, about taking a cookie from a foal."
"Why? I was offering it to you!"
>"BY STARSWIRL'S TOWER PLAYSET! Do you seriously not know?"
>Trixie must know your mom, she's making that slow, big frown like when you told her how many crayons it was and how radioactive they were.
>What if you're related? That would be the coolest tragedy to ever befall you in at least 3 hours!
>Oh hay, she's talking again! Or, she's been talking this whole time...
>"And finally, due to Princess Luna eating the royal purple crayon of the Carrotbbean royal family, all imports of sugarcane both raw and processed are halted. Equestria hath run out of stockpiled sugar, local production can only barely keep ponies out of forever-boxes, and substitutes such as fruit cannot compensate for a variety of reasons, chiefly the earth ponies are both overtaxing local magic AND too weak to do it, which creates a cycle of tired, hungry ponies."
>"Ssssss- SAD THAT SHE FEELS SAD about taking a likely-irreplaceable cookie, even from such a... well-fed colt as yourself."
>Smooth move, idjit.
>THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE gets that vein in her temple, sighs, and explains:
>"We're running outta food and we can barely make enough to not croak, let alone get anypony healthy again. Did you get that or must Trixie conjure a blackboard?"
>You're about to ask if she knows where to find a royal-purple crayon to give to the pirate king guy when a sound almost, but not quite, entirely unlike a woodwind section being murdered by a chainsaw is once again localized entirely within Trixie.
>"Say, you don't think that Anon guy would have any more of those, do you?"
"Couldn't hurt to ask, I'll show you!"
>You trot along for several kinderhours.
>(That's about 10 minutes in human time)
"Hey, why do you know so much about onions-sauce-ergonomics?"
>Silence, a pregnant silence- wait no don't go down that train of thought, keep it cool in front of The Mare.
>Finally: "What."
>She stares at you the way all the doctors did after The Night.
>That look that says "I wanna ask if you're mentally retarded but that would technically be bullying"
"You know, the whole famine thing? Seems out of the wheelhouse for a stage magician. Uh, not that YOU totally couldn't do whatever you wanted, but..."
>With her ego stoked, Trixie's face softens to her normal state of 'you're lucky to even breathe the same air as me'
>You're sun-danged right you are!
>"OH, well if you MUST know, a performer must always have her ear proverbially to the ground! One never knows when inspiration may strike, or what happenstance might affect one's next destination- a failure to be informed could lead to a failure to be alive! For instance, had Trixie bothered to read the guard blotter before coming to Ponyville, she might have known there was an Ursa Minor nearby and would have thusly chosen a different mythical monster for her stage persona's backstory."
>You cringe a bit.
>You really bucked up that night.
>Except there's no angry look, and she got kinda quiet and voice-cracky at the end.
>Angry look incoming!
>No! Press on!
"It really wasn't your fault. Snails and I caused all of it, and we're still paying for the houses and the milk tower. I don't get why they blamed you but it's not fair."
>Her mouth is trembling.
>Wow, she's even cute when she's sad.
>How does she do it?
>Oh no
>You stop and let her cry.
>She's full-on fountain crying.
>Do NOT drink the tears.
>A hug might be appropriate, and the tears could get on you anyway!
>Velocity matched
>Initiating final approach for docking
>Forelegs are open
>Mission control, we have confirmed contact
>Hug is a go!
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has to be one of my favorite kinder SCP entries
>reffered to as "the karkis"
i chuckled
so glad this was posted
i read the first unfinished version over a year ago and it was so good
it sucks it never got finished im hoping to finally see the ending this time
Will we get to see anons prespective though?
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>stealing the keys
They've gone too far this time.
That means a lot to hear; I really want to take this somewhere and give it an ending. I suck at planning so who knows if it's another few posts or it ends up being a meandering ballad.

I actually was thinking of doing other POVs. I hadn't exactly planned on anyone in particular but fuck it, Anon POV should be a no-brainer anyway- maybe next post, that way I don't have to write Snips n Trixie walking the rest of the way kek
No, Anon, not the spray bottle! you were supposed to contain the keters, not join them!
kek little shits
oooo yes i like
>when you accepted a stuffed toy from Twilight and woke up in Ponyville General with several class-2 internal booboos
What the HECK happened?!
Lesson Zero happened. Show says it ended harmlessly with a cellybelly haha moment, but let's be real- that could've ended way worse. dw, internal injuries just means bruising and upset stomach
A human would be like a giant in equestria. I would go around picking up ponies and placing them on top of tall things like fences and roofs and stuff.
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I bet the pegasi would be so indignant they'd forget they have wings and just stomp around all scrunch-faced at you

captcha: MAWMS
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>Be Anonnidiah Miller:
>God-fearing, farm-owning man.
>Formerly of the Appalachians, now trapped in a veritable Eden of horse children.
>It's not half as bad as it sounds- angry neighbors fling tomatoes instead of buckshot, the tax laws can be understood without consulting a sorcerer, heck your dog even seems to age slower!
>Lately, though?
>It's been a long day of desperately trying to get anyone to listen to you.
>Carrot Top has joined you on your porch for one last daily tribulation: teaching the virtue of crop rotation.
>"I see how it works for you, but my carrots really prefer their current field."
>Yes, yes, they have some covenant with the Earth.
>Plants just grow for them, as if they can summon breath from the soil.
>Their elders are intelligent enough to understand this energy is being overtaxed, but nobody is willing to try and see if your way works.
>Spoiler alert: if it didn't, your farm would lie fallow and you'd have had to find employment.
>It may not produce instant or exciting results, but good enough is good enough for you.
>"It's just as well, Anon. With the famine going on, the princesses would never allocate the money for luxury crops. You're super lucky to be able to stay healthy on junk food this whole time, ha ha."
>She does have a point- this sugarspun land operates on completely flipped dietary needs, and you can't exactly replant an orchard every season. Heck, you don't even know if moving the trees around would do anything anyway.
>Still, it grinds at your soul to not be doing SOMETHING when your community is suffering.
>Carrot Top won't even accept samples from you- you assume she's not entirely convinced of your lack of need.
>You could prove it to her, but that would mean teaching these children of John Moses Browning and how to skin a wild boar.
>Profane not-sugar is already enough of an assault on their innocence.
>Pappy always told you, corn syrup was the Devil's punishment for almost electing Al Gore.
>He was a nutcase, but you do like the idea of turning something satanic into something holy.
>"I gotta head out before the ration office runs out of good juice. Derpy always forgets."
>You nod in a neighborly fashion.
>Not gonna offer her a cookie for the road- you know it's her pride as much as her concern, really.
>Farmers just know this shit.
>You sit outside for a spell.
>Never alone, not with old Jerry sleeping on your porch.
>That basset hound should've died a decade ago, but this land has been even kinder to him than to you.
>You know why you, of all people, ended up here.
>You can restore prosperity to these people, if only the Lord would give you a sign.
>Right on cue, Jerry perks up-
>Down the road, just past the forest gate, you see that funny magician girl and the slow kid who took a sample.
>You turn your eyes upward for a moment in prayer, then send Jerry sprinting after them with a packet of cookies tied to his collar.
I replaced that cider with four-loko, how fucked are we?
she'll be too eepy to really do any harm
Oh they stylin now
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what did you do to garner this response
Informed her that on Earth, nothing of your permanent record actually matters until you're in high school
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It’s Endorphin season
Told her that school pizza parties are a scam. They don't restrict you to a single thin slice because there's not enough pizza. Most of the pizzas stay in the staff room and are eaten by the teachers. And they get multiple standard slices.
Quick Snails non sequitur cuz I don't wanna just bump the thread

>Be Snails
>Be doing community service
>Carrot Top is way nicer than you'd expect considering you lead a bear to her house
>Dinky and her mom are with you too
>Her mom's like the nicest pony in the world
>Most ponies would say the princess is the nicest, but the princess doesn't know your name
>Score 1 to the mailmare
>Dinky's really, really nice to you
>It's weird, she had the most stuff out of anyone in that house
>Somehow she's always excited to be near the guy who wrecked her toybox
>Fillies are so weird, you wish Snips were here- he *gets* mares
>You're not allowed to see each other outside school until the house is rebuilt, that's what the judge pony said
>No sense worrying about it, specially when you got pails of juice to fetch
>You walk right into that storehouse, show them the fancy chitty-book (written in PEN no less)
>Grab all the jugs and waltz out
>The one labelled orange-pineapple is for Carrot Top
>You bring it right over to her house and stash it in the fridge (which miraculously survived unharmed, how much is she spending on fridges?)
>She's gonna be the juiciest mare in Ponyville when she goes home
>All thanks to you, Snails
this was the exact thing i was itching for when i first read the original unfinished one
i wanna see anon make more and more progress
>It’s that time
>Bigger ponies, with more experience, have come to enjoy it greatly as it promotes long-lasting friendships
>Those with less experience are still somewhat wary of the daunting weeks ahead of them
>They are encouraged to pick a friend they trust, and are very close to, and have a sleepover with them every night until their bodies return to normal
>Only in pairs, however, because this ensures a higher chance of both ponies’ bodies normalizing in sync, and not leaving one feeling touch-hungry while the other wants to just laze around and eat snackies
>Twilight has decided to invite her good friend Rainbow Dash over, under the guise of simply wanting to read the new Daring Do book together
>She accepted, and appreciated having the convenient excuse as well
>Now, both ponies sit on the big lounge chair in the library of Twilight’s castle and happily read the book together
>They’re leaned against each other so that they can both easily read the contents of each page, while Twilight holds it aloft in her magic
>Excitedly remarking about the story’s various twists and turns, they both become silent when their cheeks brush against one another very briefly
>Their eyes remain on the book, but neither are reading anymore
>They both begin fidgeting as they become aware of just how close they are to each other, and eye contact is completely off the table for the moment
>Rainbow Dash accidentally bumps her hoof against Twilight’s and swiftly apologizes, as does Twilight
>At some point, the book ended up on the floor
>Silence hangs over the two ponies for a very long minute until Rainbow breaks it
>”Hey, uhh... I... I guess we should p-probably... y’know...”
>Both ponies cheeks are alight with embarrassment, but eye contact is steadily becoming more frequent; if only in short glances
>Twilight swallows a lump of nerves and brings herself to respond after a few seconds pass
>”Yeah, you’re... you’re right... So, h-how, umm...”
>Twilight shuts her eyes out of embarrassment, not able to bring the words forth due to how... “grown-up” the situation feels
>Rainbow scoots up to Twilight and wraps a comforting wing around her side
>”Listen, I’m... I-I’m just as nervous as you are; if not more... We’ll take it slow, okay?”
>Twilight feels as if somepony stuck her head in an easy-bake oven, and wonders where Rainbow Dash is getting her confidence
>”O-okay... Thank you, Rainbow”
>Said pegasus simply smiles at her friend as she lightly embraces her; the sudden feeling of grown-up-ness allowing her to more easily deal with the scary situation
>Rainbow Dash motions for Twilight to face her, and then gently pulls her in until they’re interlocked, with Twilight’s rump resting on the base of Rainbow’s hind hooves while her own hooves extend past her
>Twilight’s heart rate and breathing increase in speed at the tight proximity, and works to return them to normal as her body slowly adjusts to this new, intimate position
>Her apparent nerves are starting to whittle away at Rainbow Dash’s confidence, but Twilight stops that train in its tracks by speaking up
>”A-alright, I’m... I’m ready”
>Rainbow Dash looks into her eyes and voices her concern
>”Are you sure?”
>Twilight closes her eyes for a deep breath and nods upon reopening them
>”Yes. I’m ready when you are”
>Rainbow Dash simply nods, then envelops Twilight with her wings
>The pair of ponies sigh as the positive effects of the embrace wash over them, sending a strong chill running along their bodies
>Twilight lets out an ‘mmmmm~’ and leans further into Rainbow Dash, finding extreme comfort in her soft coat and wings all of a sudden
>The gesture evokes a powerful sensation in Rainbow Dash, prompting her to tightens the embrace
>Twilight buries her face into Rainbow Dash’s chest fluff and wraps her hooves around her, eliciting a sharp gasp from the pegasus
>As Twilight begins tussling it with her face, Rainbow Dash begins vibrating and her eyes become unfocused
>Her tail swishes back and forth near-constantly
>The sensations ramped up too quickly for her and she motions for Twilight to stop
>”S-st-stop. Please...”
>Twilight lifts her head and looks at Rainbow with concern
>”I’m sorry... are you okay?”
>She nods in response, still shaking slightly from the overstimulation
>”Y-yeah, I...”
>Her sentence hangs in the air as she looks at Twilight, as if only now noticing how... ‘soft’ she is
>She feels her pulse quicken, and a strong desire takes over
>Twilight gasps as she’s pulled tightly against Rainbow, but has no time to wonder aloud as she begins rubbing her hooves and wings along Twilight’s body
>Her mouth hangs open and emits small squeaks as Rainbow expertly massages her body with her soft appendages
>She shows no signs of slowing down so Twilight simply leans into her, resting her head next to hers, and cedes control to the cuddle-hungry pegasus
>”Ohhh~ S-so gooood~”
>The room fills with the sounds of heavy breathing, wings ruffling and noises of satisfaction
>Rainbow gently lowers Twilight onto her back and lays on top of her, blanketing the unicorn with her soft, warm body
>Twilight has never felt such comfort and intimate loving ever before, and tears of bliss begin running down her cheeks
>”R-Rainbow~ Ahh~ Oh, pleeeease~”
>Not one to hear her friend beg and be left hanging, she leans down and gently presses her lips to Twilight’s
>Her eyes widen, and hearts replace her pupils
>Filled with a sudden burst of energy, and a need to expend it lovingly, Twilight pushes Rainbow into her previous sitting position and interlocks with her yet again
>They simply stare into each other’s heart-filled eyes, their hot, heavy breaths mixing due to the close proximity before Twilight dives in for another kiss
>Two pairs of wings shoot out to full extension in an instant, and before long their hooves are all over each other
>They pull away from the kiss to replenish their oxygen, but both lean right back in to pepper each other’s lips with multiple fast kisses and holding the last one
>Their bodies are awash with endorphins and oxytocin, like thousands of tiny, happy fireworks are going off inside them at a constant rate
>Neither of them want it to end, but both know that they can’t keep up the intense act of love forever
>Twilight pulls away from the kiss with a gasp and speaks in a desperate tone
>”R-Rainbow Dash, I love you! Please, please be my friend forever and ever!”
>Rainbow smiles tearfully and pulls Twilight in for one last, loving embrace
>”I love you, too, Twilight... Y-you better be my friend forever and ever, too!”
>Waves of pure, blissful joy cascade over the two ponies as they hold each other tightly
>Bit by bit, their bodies cease production of the copious amounts of chemicals, leaving them with a very agreeable amount as they simply bask in each other’s presence
>When they pull away, they smile and look into each other’s eyes with a lazy, relaxed gaze
>Wordlessly, they lay down on the comfy chair and Twilight teleports her blanket in from her bedroom
>They nestle close together and Twilight lowers the blanket over top of them and turning the light off
>No need for a night-light; she feels plenty safe in Rainbow Dash’s presence
>Sighing contently, they both know that they’re gonna be sleeping like foals tonight
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O//c//O LEWD
>They didn't use a body pillow
Lord there's gonna be foals next spring
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Yes, pet the purple.
I placed Twilight on top of a high shelf and now she can't get down.
kek based
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>You went back inside for a bit
>Jerry can handle the guests long enough for you to grab that most sacred of hospitality:
>Sweet Motherloving Iced Tea
>You don't really have much sugar on hand
>Beet farming is a bitch when you don't have workers to help, cooperative soil or not
>And nopony wants to work for the crazy guy, even if he does have a nice nest egg from carrot and bean sales
>Especially when the work requires extra-sharp billhooks
>But by God, you'll be damned before you fail to welcome folks like your ancestors did
>No excuses this time
>You'll tell them they'd be insulting you if they didn't have some
>You almost drop the pitcher when you hear a cry from outside

>Immediately followed by the sound of a cartoon character eating
>Like, the typewriter sounds when looney tunes ate corn
>It's uncanny
>You step outside to be greeted by a frustrated Jerry dragging a very crumb-covered and very blue mare by the tail
>Followed shortly by the lil troublemaker charging after them
>"Trixie must alter her previous statement: though the cookies don't taste bad, they are definitely 'off' as they say."
"No offense taken; red beets taste weird and I can't even find any white ones round here."
>Maybe there was a little offense taken, but the look on her face more than repaid it
"Would ya like some tea? Shouldn't taste funny, I used the last of m'sugar from home making it"
>Both of the ponies eye your pitcher with a look of... polite disdain
>Great, two city chumps who think tea has to be hot and served in fancy little cups
>The fat kid's the first to take you up
>He's wheezing like he just ran through his first day of boot camp
>Or would it be horseshoe camp here?
>Little footy-pajama camp?
>"Holy frijoles that's the best drink I've had all week!"
>That'll do, pig. That'll do.
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>That'll do, pig. That'll do.
Fortunately I didn't disturb anyone with how hard I laughed at this.
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cuddly bloom
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Can't you make sugar from beets? That's what anon aught to do, the ponies would love him then.
Yep, that's the whole point of the story. Did a quick wikipedia read before I wrote that; beet sugar/syrup existed since at least the 16th century, but the sugar made from red beets tasted mediocre compared to cane sugar so it didn't really take off until they tried it with white sugar beets centuries later.

Also you're silly, making sugar from vegetables?
>This land continues to amaze and disturb you
>Right now, a loud houdini-type and her deluded admirer are inhaling cookies and tea
>That's not the disturbing part- a few of your cousins could eat faster than that
>No, it's the rate at which they're processing the goods
>Bluegirl's ribs are fattening in real time right in front of you
>Fat boy already had meat on him- good sign, means the parents prioritize the kids- but his eyes are a little shinier now
>Or is it bad? If the parents are too weak to work, it's never going to get better, right?
"Well, we got the lil pleasantries outta the way, so what brings y'here to my farm, uh..."
>You remember Trixie shouting her stage name, but she's not in character right now
>You hope
>"Trixie was-"
>"lying at death's door in a forlorn valley, MILES from light or hope!"

>She must be particularly full of shit right now, considering the boy is correcting her:
>"You were passed out in a ditch about half a mile from here."

>She's quick to take control, but you swear there was a flash of dread in her eyes for just a split second
>"Hush, boy. Trixie is setting the scene: As Trixie neared a most inglorious fate, her young admirer pulled her from the brink and spoke of transfigurations most strange and profane, procured from the very master of this house!"

>Kid turned cherry red at her acknowledging his googoo eyes in any way
>It'd be cute if you didn't know how hopeless it is
>"She means I gave her a cookie and I told her what I could remember you saying- which wasn't much, just beets."
"Ah, yep. Beet sugar, been a thing in my old country for.... heck, hundreds of years now? It's a-"
>Trixie and the kid let out a "WAIT YOU WERE SERIOUS?" in unison
"Yes. I can make it myself, in small batches- it's a pain in the butt to do it without fancy machines, which is why I need workers and maybe a loan for tools n such, but y'all keep looking at me like I'm telling you to fish in a sandbox. You're the first pony to actually take a dang free sample."
>"Prove it."
>This is your chance
>Trixie looks desperate for work
>Even if neither of them sign on, it won't be just your word anymore
>Eventually, someone important will find out
"Alright, but you'll have to help- that way you'll know what to do. Don't look at me like that! Whole reason I'm doing this is a civil service during these troubled times, I make enough money growing veggies and textiles even now."
>Out of the corner of your eye, you see the sun and moon swap places
>Dang it, you were so excited you forgot how late in the day it was!
"Hm, actually, we'll do it tomorrow. You'd best get home, boy. Ma'am, I've a spare bed you can use if you'll agree to fetch the boy in the morning."
>"That... may be a problem. Ponyville doesn't like Tri-me much, right now."
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>Week 4, they still suspect nothing.
i like where this is heading, based DT bro
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Oh lawd she dancin
>Be Trixie
>Be accompanied by Jeremy, the Hound of Basset
>Be returning to the den of uncultured heathen SWINE who-
>Who are you kidding?
>Be returning to the place where your luck ran out
>It takes but a few minutes to near the house of Snips
>It's agonizing, especially trying to keep your head somewhat hidden WITHOUT your trademark wizard hat, AND balancing this lazy boofer on your back
>Nopony's pointing and calling the law yet, at least
>Actually, most ponies seem to not care at all
>Do they not consider you a criminal, or did they just forget you entirely?
>Maybe it really isn't as ba-
>"What're YOU doing here!?"
>Great, the rainbow taco-muncher, escorted by the Buttery One
>Everypony knows nachos are superior!
>Keep it cool, you're allowed to be here
"Trixie is here on behalf of Mr. Anonndiah, and does not recall ever being formally charged or banished from this township, o' flying bottle of seasoning."
>"A what!? You're off your game, Trixie! That didn't even make any se- oh crud."
>It took her a moment, but as soon as she parsed your brilliant referential wordplay she was stunned!
>You still got it!
>Your verbosity is both GREAT and POWERFUL indee-
>She's actually stunned by the 40 solid pounds of hound riding your back
>Surely she's also stunned by your great and powerful legs holding such massive weight?
>"Uh- hey, Jerry, we cool, right dude? heh. fluttershy do the stare right now please holy guacamole"
>Something changes in Jerry when he hears 'stare.'
>He lays his head on yours and pushes your horn like you're an arcade cabinet!?
>It's working!?
>He is piloting you closer to the duo!?
>The both of you are now staring Small, Light and Shaky in the eyes
>This isn't good- you've heard of her hidden power
>Beneath her buttery-soft spine lies the assertiveness of a stallion twice her body weight
>This could get ugly, fast
>Oorrrrr.... Fluttershy just crumples and slinks away with her tail tucked in
>Rainbow stares for a moment in complete shock before following her
>That actually felt great... or it would if Fluttershy had ever actually done anything to you
>Contrary to what others might say, you don't like bullying unless you're messing with hecklers
>Seeing the multichromatic aerial tartlet shrink and fly off was quite satisfying, though
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>Run, filly, run!
>Wait, Rainbow Dash would definitely know of Anon, and probably his dog by association...
>Yes, she DID call him by name!
>What in the name of Ponysseus's Golden Helmet is she playing at?
>No, no more running, you KNOW you're in the right here
>This isn't just your usual method acting, you actually did nothing wrong!
>From round the corner, you hear the cornfed accent of the apple-fed mare and THAT BITCH
>"Twilight, stop! Rainbow Dash is just upset about Jerry again! She picked a fight with him and he figured Fluttershy was the bigger target, like he always does!"

>"You're saying this creature has attack- OOF! Applejack, what's gotten-"

>"No! Shove them horseapples, right now! You been living here for, what, a year? 'Jerry' is the dog belonging to a farmer living just outside o' town. Rainbow Dash hates him because he chased Tank away from his lettuce patch one day. Didn't even hurt the feller, it was all sound an' fury, but now Dashie here has a grudge cuz of her pweshus wittle baby an' she wants to rope you into her dumb lil feud!"

>"But Trixie-"

>"Was a performer you an' I didn't like, an' we got too heated over it, an' because of that we blamed her for the Dum Dum Brigade's antics that night! Just. Drop. It. You never met Anon, he's a nice feller- kinda weird, has some frankly heretical ideas about farming, but he don't hurt nopony. I'll keep an eye on Trixie, jus' in case she's here for revenge, but YOU go on home 'fore you end up learnin' another friendship lesson!"

>"Technically that's my job, App-"

>"Ah said, 'git.'"
>From two voices, one pony rounds the corner
>One for whom you have a newfound appreciation
>"Trixie. Iunno what you're here for, but ah guess it can't be that bad if Jerry's protectin' ya.. Jus' promise me y'aint gonna give any ideas to those colts, please?"
"Trixie is actually here to pick him up for a job on Anon's farm, heh..."
>She scrunches so hard you'd think you peed on her leg or something
>"Why the heck're you takin' farm work? Don't get me wrong, I think it's good for ya, but.... y'know...you?"
>She actually doesn't know?
>You carefully scan her face for any tells
>Any sign of mirth or schadenfreude
>She actually doesn't seem to know.
"My rope, bomb and lamp oil licenses all got revoked and pretty much every town I've tried to work in has chased me out for being a "fraud." Since then, I've been basically starving in the wilderness and almost died yesterday. You, one of the closest friends of the mare who accused me of fraud at my own show, are telling me you know nothing about that?"
>She looks at you, a long long while
>Looks up at Jerry, who is pointedly doing nothing but getting fatter
>Looks at you again, right in the eyes
"That's it? Just 'nope'?"
>"Nope. Gonna find out more. Tell ya when I do."
"Uh. Thanks?"
>"Ain't just fer you. Welcome all the same."
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>No bucking way
>That went well?
>Let's get back on track!
>There really is a conspiracy against you?
>Of all the times for you to be right!
>If only you had access to a black market forbidden artifact, perhaps one you could purchase from a licensed shop with ordinary money, you could age that laughable lavender layabout into dust! DUST!
>Equestria shall be as your new Neighnevah, and all its pathetic guardians meat for your wet pool noodle! HA HA HA HA H-
>Your little negativity spiral is halted by another nudge to your horn diverting your trot into a wall
>Jerry? more like Jerk-y
>Gag, no, you can do better than that
>As if he's read your mind, a wheezing snicker issues forth from between your ears
>It's not all bad
>At least two of the Bearers aren't complete poopyheads
>One of them might even be on your side
>Grab the colt, do some alchemy, save Equestria, clear your name, wreak ouchy vengeance upon whichever little (probably PURPLE and ANNOYING) crayoncruncher spread such slander upon the good name of BELLATRIX LULAMOON!
>Easy peasy
>And it all starts right now, with you knocking on the front door of this admittedly charming little townhouse
>Wait, will it be so peasy?
>To confront the mother, so financially wounded by her son's admiration for you?
>How can she blame him? His heart knows your worth- a mare, self-sufficient and world-famous at only 17*!
>She must despise you, it's the only way to keep her heart intact! To gaze upon your illustrious face, and only see every hardship she's endured for the sake of Snips!
>How can you convince her that this job, ludicrous as it sounds, might not only save their financial situation but the entire nation?
>Gee Trixie, maybe tell her whatever you've told yourself?
>This whole plan is nuts, y'know
>Yeah, the cookies worked. Tasted kind of stale or something. For all you know the guy really is crazy and he just gave you a bad batch of normal cookies
>But- you don't think so. Stale food loses power, and those cookies were powerful enough to deskeletonize you like only a grandmother's cooking can.
>Stop with the self doubt, TRIXIE!
>This is not the time for you to finally understand your precarious existence!
>You rap, rap, rap upon the chamber door and hear movement inside
>Broaden your stance, breathe in: count to four, breathe out: count to four
>You'll lunge in and grab Snips if you must- he'd certainly enjoy your mouth on hi- EW WHY NO NO NO NO
>"TRIXIE! My mom's at work and school's closed forever-but-not, let's go do some beet witchcraft!"
>You can only twich in response
>"Uh... Trixie? Y'allright?"
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Emergency boop
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>when school finally starts again and you realize every foal in town has missed an entire grade
good shit dude
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Pre bed boop
How very thoughtful! I wonder what flavor it is.
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absolutely demolished those cheeties
gotta be cherry
Or straw
>Be Anon
>You saw Rainbow Dash flying off in the distance, oh, 'bout an hour ago
>Anyone who wants to pick a fight with ol' Jerry is welcome to
>You reckon your new temp workers'll be back in a few
>Got your cart and your beethook ready
>Shit, coffee!
>Better chug your mug now. Ponies always look at you funny when you drink coffee. Last thing you need right now is scaring off the help.
>Ah, Folger's
>Thank God you don't give a flying FUCK about quality, no sir
>Stick it in a can in a cold cellar, who cares if it goes stale, you've got your daily cup for the next few years still
>Dammit, you've got nothing to do right now
>Already did the daily chores
>Guess you could check your guns- might need 'em if you get this show on the road

>Shotgun- check, cleaned and good condition
>Shells- check
>Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandad's revolver- check, powder- check, balls- check, caps- nope, but dragon playdoh apparently works just as well as mercury fulminate
>M1- damn right, you didn't carry this thing through a world war just to randomly lose it, not to Uncle Sam's requisition office and certainly not to the whims of Horse Fate.
>Spare carts- yep, gotta be careful with them, can't make more here no matter what you do

>Ah, right on time, you head out as you hear the tail end of Snips and Trixie chattering
>"And THAT is how Trixie actually could kill an Ursa Major, hypothetically, assuming she had divine luck and access to the kind of weapons which only exist in high technology fiction."
>"Huh. Yeah, that'd do it."
"Alright, I got some snackies out if y'need 'em, no lollygaggin' though- eat quick and head out the back."
>They look at each other for a moment and say the thing you'd never thought you'd hear, here:
>"Nah, too excited to eat. We wanna see beet alchemy!"
>Lord, thank you for this miracle
"Alright then, uh, boy- you hook into this plough, Jerry will lead you along the path-"
>To your great surprise, Trixie is already yanking the straps tight on herself
>"What? Trixie lives on the road and hauls her- well, I.... used to haul my house around. I'm actually quite strong for a unicorn, alright?"
"Uh- ahem. Well, boy- uh, Snips, that means you're doing the shaking. That plough'll do the worst of the digging for us, then you just yank 'em up and shake the dirt off, an' leave 'em on the ground with all their roots facing the same way."
>"That's it?"
"Yep. After that, I come by, hook em with this, and chop the crown and leaves off. We work as we go until we clear one row, then fork the whole harvest into a cart- or, heck, we don't even need a full cart for this, just a little red wagon would do."
>"That sounds like the steps to a tree salad, not the steps to getting sugar."
"Sugar comes after, you gotta get the sugar out of the plant- it's the exact same steps as making cane sugar, just with some extra prep beforehand. Now quit jabbering, Trixie's already working and we should be too!"
Holy shit another fellow /k/commando holy goddam based
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sleepy moon
>*clip clop*
>*clip clop*
>*clip clop*
>Et cetera, et cetera
>This was the rhythm of your afternoon together
>Minus a few times you had to help the kid
>Or get him to stop staring at Trixie's rump
>Heh, kid's about that age huh?
>Still, you got shit to do
>The loading of the harvest went a lot faster than usual
>Having magic grabbity fields must be nice
>You're gonna have to stop yourself from smacking Applejack next time she says unicorns ain't good for farming
>After pouring the beetroots into a wash-wiggler (technical term the salespony insisted on), you put Jerry on the little hamster wheel
>With a picture of Winona for motivation (also another reason not to smack the appul)

>You bring out a spread for everyone, leaving some bacon in Jerry's bowl
"While Jerry's washing the beets, we can eat lunch."
>"But Trixie demands satisfaction!"
"No buts. Nothing to do while the washer's running, unless you want to run it?"
>"Well- no, but why must we eaaaaaa-"
"Besides you near keelin' over, just now? There's been a famine going on and I don't want y'all tempted to eat the beets that're supposed to be turning into sugar!"
>"But Trixie is b-o-o-o-o-r-e-d!"
>Boy ain't bored of that sweaty rear end, at least
>Dang it, is this an HR thing?
>You don't need to be dealing with an angry mother whinging over her corrupted little boy or some nonsense
>Trixie probably wouldn't mind the attention if she even noticed, though
"Just eat... Y'know what? You're a magician, you use black powder- I can show you how to make some if you keep working for me. How's that sound?"
>The mare is dumbfounded, ha!
>She's alright, for a city girl
>You can see her open her mouth but all you hear is "ROAR" off in the distance
>Hell to the fuck no
>You grab your M1, running out the door as you rant more to yourself than anyone
"God-DAMN giant bears! Probly that purple one here to eat the salmon right off m'drying rack! Not today, you bastard! I'm ready fer ya!"
>Climb on up to your little shooting nest you made for this exact purpose
>Unlock all the safeties (goddamn liberals)
>Listen to the sexy-ass whine as you peer through the optic, looking for...
>Oh yeah! Right there, bout half a mile out!
>Bastards are surprisingly sneaky when they want to be
>Can't feel it walking, but it's sitting with its head over the treeline
>Sniffing at your salmon
>Don't give a shit if you've got blue asshole babies to feed, you pay for the fish like anyone else!
>Them being made outta stars n outer space makes them hard to hit, apparently
>Heh heh heh
>You used to dome squirrels with a fucking Kentucky rifle that was probably older than America
>You've got a bead on the star right between her eyes, it'll be the last sound she never hears!
>Yeah, keep sniffing
>Come a lil closer
>Right into my parlor, said the redneck to the cryptid
>Easy, easy-
>This ain't just a dick-measuring contest for you, there's no way in hell this bear ain't been stealing from other farms
>Well, ok, your dick's gonna be mighty inflated if you pull this off
>A couple bright-blue wisps smack the mama bear right in the forehead, and she starts
>Fuck, she starts deflating- there's no other word for it
>Like you popped the plug on an inflatable castle
>It's kind of anticlimactic, really
>Part of you misses fighting the Tojos, at least they died in a way that made you feel like a man and not some childrens' cartoon character
>A couple of their Gundams were bigger, too- hence the plasma cannon designed for shooting at their joints n such
>World War 4 was a fucking nightmare, alright.
>Don't even get started on what happened after Canada invented wizards
>One good thing did come of that, though- an unexploded spell in your leg probably reacted funny to your parish church and sent you and your farm to this place, so the canucks are indirectly res-
>Aw, DAMMIT- the deflated bear carcass is now dissolving into glowing dust and returning to the heavens from which it surely came?
>Now who the fuck is going to believe you?
>Snips and Trixie!?
>You should check on them
>Big bears are scary n all
>And they both had a personal run-in with one
>Getting back down takes a little while, what with the shakes from the adrenaline crash and all
>You re-enter your house, safe and store your gun and return to the kitchen to find:
>Two slack-jawed ponies and two full plates, and the last fading ember of that asshole fish thief clearly visible through the window
"Consarnit, I told y'all ta eat!"
love the random /k/ shit you're hella based
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squishy squishy
A qt like rumpa
What does a kinderpone do if you grab two handfuls and squeeze?
They shift into first gear
Kinderpony public transport consists of a nationwide full-contact conga line (that way you're never alone on the road AND you're having fun)
horny kinder pone activates
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>A pebble hits the window of the train as it barrels along the tracks, jolting you from your nap
>It was such a good dream, too!
>All that remains now is this erection, and, with it, nothing to do
>You shake your head and look around; unworried what these naive ponies may think the tent in your pants is about
>Unless you’re talking to them about snacks, or other such things, in which case they become geniuses rivaling the smartest minds Earth had seen
>Your eyes land on—
>Holy shit...
>A mare on the seat just to your left lies on her belly, watching the window and everything flying by it
>Her ass, complete with all of the naughty parts, is practically staring right back at you and causes your brain to start
>She smiles innocently as she watches the outside zip by incredibly fast, unaware that you’re tracing her most sacred area with your tired, horny eyes while at full mast
>...Everyone here is so naive, wholesome and nice
>Surely just a little touch would be perfectly harmless, right?
>You stick your head out into the walkway of the cart; looking up and down it and seeing not a single soul besides you and this work of art
>The setup is so perfect, with possibilities teeming, that you can almost convince yourself that you’re still dreaming
>Your eyes once again fixate on the temptuous, purple cake that only a few feet away from you waits
>You scoot quietly to the edge of your seat; arms outstretching towards the salvation you soon will meet
>Only inches separate the moment that’ll grant all of your wishes, until...
>*squishy squishes*
>A wistful sigh leaves your lungs as you feel the wobbly texture of these two glorious buns filling every crevice of your hands, and the gaps in-between the digits that, on them, stand
>Your eyes slowly close and a small smile tugs at your lips as you knead the delightful dough, feeling the same level of joy as when a hummingbird lands on your windowsill and doesn’t immediately fly away; fearing a ploy
>The hummingbird; it sings...
>A beautiful song of birds and b—!
>Upon feeling the pony attached to the rump shifting, your body freezes entirely, and your heart is sent into your stomach; spiraling
>Oh, fuck...
>You knew it to be the case, and you still did it, expecting some kind of luck?
>For every debuff in effect (hungry, sleepy, etc.), the chance that a ‘bad idea’ sneaks through the ‘good idea’ filter increases
>Also, you’re erect
>’You sorry fool... to be dragged around by such a simple tool?’
>Feeling unwise, and ready to meet your demise, you pull back the curtains and see...
>A pair of half-lidded eyes?

I leave the rest to your imaginations. Writing even this much took hours, so smut is out of the equation!
PG-13 situation inbound, all foals abandon ship!
>Suddenly, the train car goes to red alert
>Sirens wail
>The lights actually turn red
>Ponies are evacuating to other cars
>Well, shit
>No, wait, there's ponies coming in on a conga line?
>Not a conga line, just pairs of ponies doing the conga dance
>That stallion is being awfully grabby with his two hooffuls of mare, come to think of it
>Convenient censor bars appear out of nowhere- fucking magic amirite?
>Wait you started an orgy!?
>You started an orgy!
>Houston, we have horsepussy!
>She's into it- she's trying to back into you while being coy about it
>The end result is a pathetic ass wiggle which just makes it hotter
>No sense wasting time- you stand at the precipice of what all of /mlp/ could only dream of
>The plush pocket of paradisal pleasure
>That which makes all Anons unzip dick
>You do indeed unzip dick
>Everything's lined up for docking
>Holy balls you can feel the heat coming off of her
>"Don't be gentle." She coos with half-lidded eyes
>You part her ham wallet with your dude piston
>Oh baby it's hot, tight and plushy-
>REALLY plushy
>No, you don't get it, this pony's pussy is actually plush
>MFW this is how you find out kinderponies are technically a form of stuffed animal
>Doesn't matter, had sex with a 2d waifu horse
>It's all downhill from here, baby

>The red lights eventually soften to a pastel pink
>Mandatory post-group sex cuddles? hell yeah
>The conductor comes around giving out pairs of little boxes
>"What about you two, d'you want every morning to be like this?"
>Your mare looks at you, her eyes sparkling like only the most pathetic and pleading little bastards can

"And that's how I met your mother and made you, Junior!"
Multi-nose booping!
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would pet
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Oh my... those apple hips are giving me some very unkinder like thoughts.
pre-bed boop
Thought I was going to bed but instead it was writing
(probably set sometime in the future, i.e. a couple days idk)

>During a midnight clear and warm, you (Luna) saw a most peculiar sight in thine skies
>A most curious, yet welcome, surprise
>The constellation of Ursa Major hath returned to its proper place!
>This can only mean one of the wretched thieves hath been banished!
>They are immune to every weapon known to ponykind
>They scoff at the slingshot
>They guffaw at the glaive
>Legend has it they can only be slain by that which forms them: star-fire
>Who could wield such impossible power?
>Even you and Tia cannot simply draw the heavens down!
>Alas, even if t'were in thine capabilities, it would be a singular and final affair
>You jaunt through the collective unconscious, searching for those who dream of recent deeds
>Surely such a momentous occasion would linger in the minds of- AHA!
>Two dreams, close together- both dream of watching a god fall
>A third one is not worth mention as it merely contains insipid Neighponese cartoonery
>But how to find these ponies? The glory of such a quest hath armored their hearts against unwanted intrusion!
>One could barely see the blue snout and white mane through the eyes of the older dreamer
>No, do not involve the Bitch Sister, thou shalt solve this!
>Make haste to the demesne of Dame Sparkle, at once!
>You daintily and elegantly enter the treebrary of thy savior: purplesmart
>Verily, that was a lie
>Thine entrance featured much LOUDNESS and smashing of doors!
>Twilight shoots out of bed, carrying her in a lovely parabolic arc, as she reflexively curses the Bearer of Loyalty and vows to extract payment for a new door
>She seems to realize you are not the rainbow ruffian mid-jump, and lands in a bowing position muttering "omigoshyourhighnessimsorryididn'tknowitwasyoubutcouldyoupleasepayforthedoorthey'reveryexpensive?"
>At least, that is what you think you heard, amidst the sounds of lavender horse bone cracking from that three point landing
"Thou may rise, and direct all fiduciary concerns to the court seneschal Raven Inkwell."
>"Phew! So..."
>"To what do I owe the honor of this visit well after bedtime?"
>"Uh.. wait... WHAT!?"
"We hath seen the deed in the dream realm! A mare, blue of fur and silver of mane, witnessed the fall of the beast! I cannot enter her dreamscape, only perceive what she did- and she dreams of flaming swords and the flatulent whimper of tartarus-bound bear meat!"
>It seems Twilight, too, is dumbstruck by this revelation, for she gazes upon you with mouth agape for a frankly impolite length of time
>"No bucking way."
What’s she describing?
Levels of fastness.
Pay attention anon
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Silly purple poner
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comfortable thread my dudes
Nurse Redheart’s thread is very comfy as well. I can’t think of any others that are actually nice to be in most of the time like these two.
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>Be Snips
>It's been.....
>You don't actually know
>Time kind of fell apart for you, after you watched Anon kill that bear
>He did it exactly the way Trixie said she would've!
>"If THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE simply had a GREAT AND POWERFUL 40-niggawatt anti-vehicle plasma cannon, she would simply shoot the Ursa Major in the face!"
>What's that smell?
>And that sound?
>Something sickly-sweet and bubbling
>Smells pretty red, too
>Oh right- the big fancy Easy Splice Alchemy Set currently being used to turn vegetables into staple snackies
>"And then we jus' spin it 'round in this here centrifuge, sieve out the crystals, put the mash back in for another boil.."
>He's not really doing much, is he? Fancy automatic thingy, hey wait...
"Hey, how come your house still works right? Everypony in Ponyville has had to cut back on using lights n stuff."
>"What? Why?"
>Faust must be really proud of you, since Trixie's melodious voice answers him before you have to admit you don't know
>"Because of the great and powerful magic shortage? Y'know, where ponies are too hungies to keep stuff powered? The thing we're all trying to fix?"
>Anon looks..... well, you don't know the word for that face he's making, but it might be adjacent to disbelief?
>"Do you guys not power your stuff with electricity? I got solar panels on the roof an' a kerosene generator for cloudy days- not that I ever need it, heh"
"Elect-a-what now?"
>The farmer is now looking you dead in the eyes, it's really uncomfortable! At least it is until he softens, just like your mom after you raid the trash again
>Gee, Anon's really nice, why isn't he anyone's dad yet? He'd be great at it
>Is that weird to think? Probably, but you did anyway
>"Lightning. Electricity is a fancy word for lightnin', specially when it's contained and used for stuff."
"Oh. So which Wonderbolt are you dating to get free lightning strikes?"
>"Boy... I just... d'oh, I gots magic flowers on the roof what turn sunshine into lightning, okay? Honestly they shoulda burned out by now, cheapass hippie crap ain't supposed to last more than a couple years, guess that's Equestria for ya."
>This guy is like
>Actually a wizard or something
>And you and Trixie are technically his apprentices
>Well, assuming your mom lets you
>She totally will, she let you go to that summer camp after all
>And that camp didn't even have you living with her future daughter-in-law
>"Sugar's done, come n have a taste, then see if you can keep calling me a dunce!"
>Aw dang, he does know? That's sad. You remember when you figured out ponies weren't laughing with you
>"Finally! Trixie has been waiting for seventeen eons and two ends of an age!"
>You crumble a bit off of the crumbly red sugar brick
>Holy hayburgers, it does taste like funny sugar! Just like those cookies!
>Anon looks smug as a bug who stole your milk mug
>But hey, he deserves it!
Imagine the hairdresser's panic when ponk's hair grows back as fast as she can cut it
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>cut Pinkie's hair
>it grows back immediately in the same shape it was in before
>keep cutting
>keeps regenerating
>finally give up
>"Thanks a lot! You styled it just how I like it!"
>Before you can respond, Pinkie leaves a large pile of bits on the counter and skips out the door
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remember to gently caress your kinder poner
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pre bed boop
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Sleep well, fren.
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>You halt in your tracks at the strange sound
>Is there a vulture swooping down for you!?
>You lower into a crouch and cover your jugular with your hands
>After a solid five seconds, you realize that nothing is happening, and open your eyes slowly
>Not five feet away...
“Oh... God...”
>Rainbow Dash sits there, resting on her rump with her forehooves just below her chest
>Her chest?
“S-so... floofy...”
>She brings her wings up and gives them a few ruffles as her eyes light up with tiny, adorable sparkles
>Tears fill your eyes and you fall to your knees at the unfathomable display, as if you’ve just witnessed the cutest eldritch horror ever conceived
>Your arms reach out slowly and shakily toward the mass of fluff as it plays on your every primal instinct
“Hold... protect... love... cherish...”
>Through your blurry vision, aided by the resulting sound, you see her wings extend and angle themselves parallel to the ground
>In one graceful motion, she pulls her wings down and adds the tiniest bit of force with her hind hooves and gently hops over to you
>Your face ends up in the oh-so-inviting patch of fluff on her chest as your arms slowly enfold her beneath her wings
>Wave after wave of pure, previously unobtainable bliss wash over you
>She gently rests her head atop yours and wraps her hooves around your head to pull you ever so slightly further into her
>Words to a language that you don’t understand flash by in your mind, and you cry as you’re unable to bring them forth
>If you could, the depths of your gratefulness could be known by the one who instilled it within you
>The only words, in the only language you know, that can even come close, are...
“I-I love you... I love you... I love you...”
>To your surprise, she pulls away and peers into your eyes
>You’re breathless as you behold the infinite array of gentleness, care, love and affection that fill each beautiful orb
>She moves her face closer until her muzzle gently presses to your lips and stays there
>Her wings envelop you, gently locking you in place
>When she pulls away from what you can only find the words to describe as a “kiss”, her lips gracefully move and form a short, beautiful, moving sentence
>As the accompanying sound plays soothingly upon your ears, a fresh wave of tears pour forth from your awestruck eyes as she holds you close once again
>The absolute peace, love and comfort that follow are irreplaceable, and you will do everything in your power to protect those feelings
>And the one who gave them to you
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Great advances are being made in Kinderquestrian science
>@Twilo: 'sorry about pony society (ie., their need for muffins & all..)'
>SCP-000(that's negative one more special than 001)
>Containment Class: D'awwmiel
>Danger Rating: -100+
>Scary Rating: -100+

>Special Containment Procedures:
>SCP-000 is omnipresent proof that the Big Pony Upstairs loves us, and needs no containment (not that we even could)

>SCP-000 refers to a broad spectrum of bipedal, vaguely primate entities(1). These entities have a proven scary/danger resistance rating of 'higher than I can count."(2). SCP-000 will, when confronted with a pony displaying heightened fear or cuteness, be overwhelmed with a protective instinct and immediately provide lifesaving huggies and snackies. In certain cases, these emotions can bleed into the receiving pony and initiate a Romance Event. Studies on hybridized foals will commence as soon as Rainbow Dash lays her eggs(3).

>(1): Their resemblance to SCP-063 family is uncanny; investigations are underway
>(2): -Twilight Sparkle

(dw, haven't given up on the sugar story, just temporarily not feeling it, hopefully have something tonight or tomorrow)
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What is ponker poe planning?
Twilight's gonna wake up and smell the Dutch oven. Or more accurately, the cupcakes Pinkie is cooking in said oven
>Be Anon, Mathematician
>It's been a rough couple of months.
>These pastel horses barely know basic math, let alone algebra or calculus.
>There are some exceptions, though.
>The princesses, purpleall of them seem to know advanced algebra.
>Turns out your lifelong passion of numbers is the most tortuous science known by horse kind.
>Still, you try to inculcate the sense of joy in numbers you learned when so young.
>After a few weeks, you got invited to the ponyville school, since you claimed to be an academic.
>"Mr Anon, is it true you do... M-Math?", a filly asks, afraid of mentioning the M word.
>You indeed confirm that your passion is the numbers, and offer to explain some algebra.
>"Ok so, we use the term X to define something, anything, we don't actually know the real value for..."
>"X?", Miss Cheerilee asks, confused by the complex mathematical knowhow you're demonstrating
>"Uhh, lets say 'apples" instead of X, everyone knows apples right?"
>"And that's why apples equals 2- OH FUC-", you stammer, as you are suddenly pelted with 2 flawless crimson apples that manifested in front of you.
>After asking around and nopony answering where did the apples come from, you resign yourself to fate and keep teaching the very basics of algebra.
>"So, after moving all the numbers to one side, we can calculate that apples equals 30/2, or 15- FUCK"
>You are once again pelted by flawless looking apples, 15 to be exact.
>It suddenly clicks.
>All the magically mighty horses you've met are also expert mathematicians, or as expert as horse math can allow.
>You excuse yourself and retire to your abode, mind racing with ideas.
>5 years later
>All of Equestria bows to your magical might, a swish of your pen and an integral solved, a mountain manifests.
>A derivative calculated, another mountain vanishes into the aether.
>A logic statement defined, and a new truthhood or falsehood is established forever, until you feel like changing it.
>You ran through the logic and defined [Pinkie Pie has wings] = true. And according to your will, and she has wings.
>You've finally amassed enough mathemagical to dare risk getting into physics.
>You start running through Maxwell's equations and you feel your blood tingle, the very iron in your blood zapping with eldritch energy, and ponies all around feeling an unescapable sensation of a threshold being reached. As soon as you finish calculating, an overwhelming magnetic field manifests around your lair, repelling all but the most powerful of kinetic spells, and even they cannot move far.
>The stage is set... The last threshold is reached, this will take a few weeks of work.
>The heavens themselves tremble as you start running through Einstein's Field Equations, the very fabric of reality shaking as you're rending it asunder.
>Not even fate knows what will happen next.
>As you finish the last calculation and finally find a solution to the Field Equations, you mutter something to yourself.
>"No Gods... Only Men...", you say, finishing the last number.
>You are struck with the powers of both the Void and the Aether, the classing essences merging and mixing within you.
>Your lair explodes from exposure to the raw essences of creation, but you survive.
>Now Anonicorn, Alicorn of Maths, Divider of Digits and The Algebraic Alephian.
>You ascend to the heavenly realms, meeting Fausticorn herself, turns out Nietzche was right, companions the creator wanted. And you became her companion.
>Together with your fellow Goddess-Alicorn wife, Fausticorn, you build and unbuild the universe as you see fit, eventually deciding, on a whim, to make a universe where math equals magical power.
>Eventually, a facsimile of your wife manifests in this pocket universe, and she looks overwhelmed with sadness, as she is truly alone.
>Feeling guilty about the experience you brought upon the kind ponies that aided you during your mathemagical crusade, and not wanting to see your wife suffer, even if just as a facsimile, you grant her the power of creation.
>A moment or maybe aeons later, you peer back into the pocket universe, and notice a race of magical ponies and something else.
>A flash of realization hits your now boundless mind, as you see yourself as you were, human, while faux-sticorn stares and giggles, bewitched.
>Be Anon, Mathematician
>It's been a rough couple of months...

Had a couple of typos and a missing line on the first post and couldn't delete it for some reason, Hope you enjoyed it.
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Holy fucking kek, batmare
>Be Snips (featuring Jerry!)
>You're on your way to your mom's house (that is to say, your house, but technically it's hers)
>A sack of funky red sugar is weighing you down- the fruits of your labors from these past few days
>Mr Anon and Best Mare Ever are getting ready to head down to New Horseleans- it's kinda far from Ponyville, something about Trixie having family there so they'd never believe all the nasty..... what was being said about Trixie, even?
>Anon left Jerry with you- you asked him why, since Jerry's the beefiest dog ever, all you got was "Winona can't be apart from her beefcake." Weird, you didn't know 'beefy' was literal. Wait, what's beef?
>You suggested they at least try to sell stuff in Ponyville, but.... yeah. Trixie. You knew it wasn't really as bad as she was afraid of, but she'd still probably make Anon's case worse around here
>It hasn't even been a full year, after all!
>Plus, Anon said he was tired of trying to butt heads with Ponyville's farmers- "It'll be easier for me to be a proper salesman, if'm not tempted to toss ponies at the nearest lake." were his exact words.
"Welp, I guess it's just you and me now, Jerry."
"Come on, it's only gonna be a week or two- if we just get Fluttershy to tell my mom how cool you are, we could probably stay at your house!"
>Your face scrunches from his sudden tirade-
"Wow, dude, I know you have strong feelings about turtles but... just... WOW."
>You didn't even know there were slurs for turtles but you just learned them all!
"No, I don't think it's weird that I understand you, what are you even talking about? Everypony knows dogs can talk!"
"Everypony knows dogs can talk, right?"
"Come on dude, you're crazy, stop messing with-"
>Your true realization of your cutie mark in dog grooming and care is stopped by a less-round-than-normal green unicorn mare running straight at you from the burning town center, Snails and Dinky right behind her
>Oh right, the town is under attack again or something, what's up with that?
>Before you can ask the pertine- pertonante-perti- IMPORTANT questions like "who what where why when," they are preemptively answered for you:
>Who is: Cheerilee
>Doing what: Attacking Ponyville
>And where: Ponyville, duh
>But why: Probably the evil black amulet with an evil-er red glow on her neck
>When: Right now!
will read tomorrow
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>The four of you slid into a little hidey hole, and watched as those six weirdos with matching jewelry tried to stop her
>"Rainbow Dash! Sleeping through all your classes, eh? Then you'll love sleeping... IN DETENTION!"
>"Pinkie Pie, you never even attended kindergarten! Get out of my classroom right now!"
>"Rarity? Tsk tsk, you were such a fine student..... is what I would say, but instead I'll say DRESS CODE VIOLATIONS! Just wait until your parents hear about you wearing socks to school!"
>"Applejack! I........ Crud I don't have any teacher-related stuff about you, but I'm gonna kick your plot anyway!"
>You really thought Twilight had her, since Twilight's Twilight, except:
>"Oh, the Princess's little genius, Twilight Sparkle. What an honor to have you taking my test! I'm sure you'll finish early, dear, but I'm afraid STUDENTS MAY NOT LEAVE THE TEST FACILITY UNTIL THE TESTING PERIOD IS OVER!"
>So, yeah
>The six Big Mares In Town got their rumpuses wrangled, hard
>Now there's a big.... dome... thingy? being built over the town?
>Wuh oh!

>Your mom turned to you, talking almost too quietly to hear
>"Kids, you need to run straight for Anon's house- yes, Dinky, Anon can be trusted, yes he has food- look at Snips, I dunno what he's doing but it must be working. Yes you'll be safe there- he's outside the town, outside her jurisdiction- oh crud she's looking this way!"
>She's got a weird look in her eye
"Mom? What are you-"
>"Snips, be brave, don't look back, just... on my mark, run back and don't even think of looking back!"
>"Oh, the mother of the village idiot. Good, I don't have to find you for a long-overdue parent-teacher conference!"
"Mom, come with us- Anon and Trixie can totally-"
>Cheerilee has a-
>No! That can't be! She conjured a-
>"In light of you coming willingly, we won't consider expulsion- however, I'm afraid we'll still be going OLD TESTAMENT for these disciplinary actions!
>Why is everything floaty now?
>No, not floaty- slow! You're seeing in slow motion!
>Your mom's mouth is doing that fear-squiggle
>And a waterfall of tears is going down each side of her face
>Why is she crying like that, it's gonna work out
>Gonna work out, right?
You are the most based filly flaggot.
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Twilight, quit playing with your mom's makeup
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Did he arrive too late, or just in time?
depends on your perspective
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>This isn't happening!
>This can't be happening!
>Your mother cries out with every meaty impact, as her rumpus is ruined so yours might stay unswatted
>If this were happening, of course
>Good thing it isn't!
>If you just don't acknowledge it, you'll wake up!
>Out of the corner of your eye, Dinky's mouth is moving, but all you hear is something like a tuba section with a gnat flying right next to your ears
>Snails is dumbstruck, as glued to his position as you are
>Things are starting to speed up again
>Coming to a terrible, knee-shaking clarity
>This is really happening
>You catch the tail end of what Dinky was muttering- the Good Foal's Prayer
>"-And if my naptime lasts forever, tuck me in tight-"
>You NEED to be anywhere but here!
>Why won't your legs move?
>IDIOT! If you don't move, your mom did this for nothing!
>That dome is getting bigger and more solid!
>You feel a massive weight off your shoulders, as a sack of red sand hits the dirt with a wimpy thud
>Only to be replaced with an even heavier sack of certified American Lowrider Hound-Dog
>Jerry grabs your horn, jerking your head around
>It's working! You're turning around! Go, Jerry!
>Forward, double time! The sound of hooves not your own confirms your friends following close behind
>Thank you, herd mentality!
>Don't stop, don't look back, keep running til you're far past the limits of even the bravest truant officer
>Ignore the burning in your eyes, your lungs, your legs
>Nothing. Else. Matters.
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Holy shit, this is good. Keep it up, fren!
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>as her rumpus is ruined
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captcha p0nk2
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>You gallop through Ponyville's outskirts, trying to tell ponies to leave
>Running kind of requires breathing though, so all that comes out is a dying whale noise
>Luckily ponies tend to run away from dying sounds so that worked out, you guess
>There's been pretty steady waves of royal guards flying in, either carrying paintball guns or pulling chariots full of water balloons
>There... haven't been any flying back towards Canterlot to reload
>This is bad
>PRINCESS bad- Oh hayburgers, the Princesses are here!
>The princesses have been catapulted back to Canterlot with sore butts! BUCK!
>That shield is getting more shield-y by the second! Keep running! You're almost there!
>The four of you make it just in time, though Dinky has to do a secret agent roll to make it past the shield in time
>You hear three loud thuds, like you're a fish and your jerk owner is tapping the glass
>Behind you, the flower sisters' faces are smushed against the glassy not-glass-but-magic surface
>And the muffled cries of Permanent Record's victory
>The look on Roseluck's face as she's dragged away by Permanent Record's guess-stapo will haunt you until the day you die
>Oh... did ANY other ponies make it out?
>Oh yeah. Hungry ponies don't run so good.
>This is one of those the-world-might-actually-be-ending sorta deals, huh?
>Your knees finally give out and you all sorta just... flop over for a while
>You wake up to the smell of a shaking Snails pressed right against your everything
>"Don't blame me! Dinky's touching me with her whole deal and I gotta get more dude in here, she's a total filly!"
>This guy. He's got a girl scared and shaking like a leaf and he's still just 'ew fillies' what in the what.
>You (barely) resist the urge to dispense pain on him
"DUDE! We're too old to think it's weird to touch fillies! At our age she's suppo- Wait... holy cow it's dark out here... Huh. Where's the freakin' moon!?"
>The thought of Princess Luna being out cold for this long would shock you, if not for everything else that happened in the last 5 minutes of consciousness
>Except Celestia could've done it for her, SOMEPONY must be awake in the palace or the sun would still be up!
>"Uh... I think Cheerilee declared the moon a 'special needs student' and now it can't be out without a helmet and a minder- and I don't think Princess Luna's gonna be willing to go back up there."
>How the buck does he-
>Whatever. Deep Breath. Gotta get to Anon's farm.

>"You guys have been in the f-f-f-f-forest at night, right?" Dinky barely squeaks out
"Wha- Oh yeah, I come out here all the time lately. Anon's house should be safe even if he's not home. He's got all sortsa crazy cool stuff if we need to defend against a siege."
>"H-h-how will we get in? We can't just break in! That's-"
"Dinky, relax, I'm like... an employee or something. Besides, Jerry can probably just get us in, he's at least as smart as Pinkie Pie most days!"
"Oh. He says Anon and Trixie left on the 9am train and he has no clue how they're getting back or when since.. y'know... brutal coup and all."
>Oh dang, even Snails is looking scared now
>It's kind of weird, you didn't think he even had thoughts
>Jerry is waddling away towards the farm
>He's right!
>Enough talking!
>You resolve to take charge (excepting the dog already in the lead of course)

>It's a pretty uneventful trip, now that the forest has a new apex predator in the form of a nice, old, weird guy who lives on a farm
>Hey, you work for him, what does that make you?
>A pony. You're still a pony, my guy
>The farm is mostly unscathed, save for the colorful tents of a few ponies who also got outta town in time
>Usually, camping on a neighbor's lawn because the town is uninhabitable is one of the most fun times of the year, but even that manages to be a mopey bad time tonight.
>Hey, it's Carrot Top over there!
>No Derpy, though- and Dinky's frown dropping all the way to the ground confirms that she noticed, too
"Jerry! The ponies are over- what the heck do you want, dude?"
>He's scratching insistently at the smallish barn stuck to the side of Anon's house
>You've never been in that room, but Jerry thinks it'll help now?
When I read your stuff, it makes me feel like I did when I first joined the ride back in 2015 and everything I read was new and awesome. Those first greens left a permanent mark on me, and as I started to write as well and got better at it, many other works (including some of those that I still love and cherish) started to show their many flaws (not that I don’t appreciate the hell out of everyone willing to provide their efforts to a bunch of faceless people for free). I hope I’m not laying it on too thick when I say these sappy things, but stuff like yours makes me feel that old magic again. This time without the rose-tinted glasses of a newfag, because it’s just excellent. Sorry if this kind of feedback is annoying, but I would’ve regretted not saying how I really felt.
Thanks! The secret is playing a fuckton of Helldivers 2 before trying to write kindergreens
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>”—rhymes with ‘of’”
“Is it... glove?”
>”Close, love, but perhaps removing a letter will bring ‘push’ closer to ‘shove’?”
“What does that even mean?”
>”Please, humor me for a moment, will you? Your concerns, surely, will be quelled in time, due”
“Uhh, I don’t think that—“
>”You see, it involves a feature that you possess, but not me; with points of articulation: three”
“Wait wait wait, what? Say that again”
>”There is no time; for one: the day grows the opposite of young”
“Please, stop! It’s too much!”
>”You win, friend. If the end of this amusing hymn on a whim is what takes for this to begin? Then I’m in”
“For ‘what’ to begin?”
>”Simple; those appendages of yours which bend? I would ‘love’ to no end were they to tend the mounds upon my hind end”
>She stares at you
>You stare at her
>You think, to an adult, you’d like to defer
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"Okay, okay, calm down, Jerry- we gotta grab the spare key first."
>Anon did inform you of a spare key before, but either you weren't paying attention (likely) or he trusted you to infer where it was from common sense (also likely, if misguided)
>Jerry is still fixated on the barn door, so he's no help
>Unless what's in there is REALLY helpful, then he will have been of great help, but presently he is of no help vis a vis the obtaining of the key
>Waaaait- right next to the front door, there's one of Anon's leg cover things
>Turning it upside down, inspecting every crevice of this 'boot' is to no avail- there's no key inside, or under it, or even glued anywhere
>You sit there with your thinking cap on for long enough that it's either sad or suspicious
>Sadspicious! No, shut up, Pinkie!
>Snails has yet again thrown away every stallion's dream by leaving the filly (who is practically exploding with cooties) with Carrot Top
>"You found the key so what's the hold up, bup?"
"I didn't find the key, what are you talking about?"
>"That's clearly the key, give it here."
>Snails swipes the boot with his magic before you can say anything, and starts smacking the bottom of it against the door
"SNAILS! You're gonna break-"
>The door opens smoothly without any visible damage, leaving a nice fat fried egg on your face
>All five pony families immediately rush in with their sleeping bags
>Everything is like you'd expect, minus some of the tools and the two current residents
"I really hope Anon took or hid all his 'splodey stuff..."
>Right, follow the dog nose- Jerry is now whining at Anon's bowl- or more likely, the jumble of keys in the bowl
"WHY. Why are the spare keys inside the house!?"
>Jerry insists insistently, and you take the keyring
>Object get! But what does it-
>Jerry took them and ran to the fancy barn door
>You have no idea if he just can't do this stuff or if he's trained to wait for somepony to let him do stuff
>He unlocks the door slightly faster than you'd expect, and- woah, it's not a barn door, it slides up into the roof! COOL!
>Shoving the keys back in your face, he runs over and scratches at the...
>What the buck is that thing?
I lied, the secret is actually not knowing how to take compliments but I really appreciate you saying that, I'm actually shocked I could move someone to feel that way when all I do is write dumb shit about Snips and SCPs
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>I lied, the secret is actually not knowing how to take compliments
I’m the same way, and would probably leave the thread forever with a strong feeling of inadequacy if the same thing was said to me kek
>I'm actually shocked I could move someone to feel that way when all I do is write dumb shit about Snips and SCPs
Think about that for a second: no one else is doing that but you. It’s the fact that it’s dumb, but you still put so much into it that makes it special. I won’t say too much, knowing now that it makes you squirm like me, but keep in mind that you can/have provided stuff that no one else ever would. It could be similar, but never exactly like yours. Anyway, carry on.
>Okay, Jerry wants to use the wagon.... At least you think this is a wagon
>Four wheels, general cart-like structure-
>Weird shape though, and you don't see a hitch
>Hold up. You tap the.. hull? Ground stuff has hulls, not just ships, right?
>It's solid metal!? And the windows are glass!
>How does one guy afford this? Why would one guy afford this? It's gotta be so heavy!
>There can't be a single harness team in all of Equestria who could pull this thing more than a few paces.
>Well, Jerry's going to wear his claws down to bloody nubs if you don't open that door-
>Sure enough, the biggest key on the ring fits it- the one with a nice rubber cap
>Why don't ponies do that?
>The inside is even crazier, a big ship's wheel and a bunch of levers and weird arcade screens all over the dashboard
>Jerry paws at a set of latches next to the captain's seat and climbs over to the other side
>This is like Batmare's batmarebile, except she needed a team of bats to pull hers- how does this one work?
>He's whining at a latched box he wants opened
>You do so and nearly shit brix-
"Jerry, what's that in your mouth?"
>It looks an awful lot like one of those little cylinders on Anon's danger wall
>Jerry must have misheard you, for he instead shoots out of the cabin so fast that YOU get spit out of the WAGON
>You suddenly remember you can understand him
>You suddenly remember he knows this
"JERRY! What the hay are we doing here!? Talk to me!"
>He climbs down from a little door on the back of the thing, apparently having dumped that dangerous super-battery into a slot
"We can't go for a ride in this thing, we'd need a dragon to pull it! That.... does sound kinda cool, though."
"What, like a train!?"
"Dude, you can't make up stuff about the Sun, that's blasphemy"
"That's nuts. Next thing you'll tell me Anon can use electricity.... without..... clouds..... "
>He looks more smug than 5 Rainbow Dashes
"OK FINE, DANG IT! The stupid "car" just makes a freakin' sun inside of itself! Do you even know how to drive this thing!? I can't drive a train and a train only goes in one direction!"
"Oh, yeah, I guess... yeah that makes sense. Well, how am I supposed to work all this crud? I can barely grab one thing at a time!"
"Right.... Snails is like a zen master and we can also drag Dinky anywhere he goes.... So, we just crew this trackless locomotive, drive it out through the middle of the night- wait a minute how are we supposed to do tha-"
>That plothead finishes what he's been doing this entire time, as the impossible complexities at this behemoth's heart roar to life
>And all those giant bulbs shine day-bright light in every direction
>Including your very open and night-adjusted eyes
>You scream like a filly, which would be quite mortifying if not for you actually shooting straight past a filly's voice and screaming so high that only dogs can hear you
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>but presently he is of no help vis a vis the obtaining of the key
>via a vis
Oy vey, haven’t heard that in eons.
"JERRY! That was right in my eyes!"
>An embarrassed bark issues from the vehicle shortly before the lights flip off
>It takes a good minute to blink away the afterimages, but you think your vision is mostly ok
>Wait a sec, this thing can make light and go... well you don't know how fast, but probably not as fast as Anon can
>You're gonna travel- AT NIGHT, all the way down to New Horseleans!
>Well, it'll probably take a few days at the very least, but you won't have to stop anytime you don't want to!
>This must be how pegasi, train conductors and cigar sellers feel all the time!
>It's gonna take at least two unicorns to drive this thing, let alone navigate or mare any of the wacky machines bolted all over it
>You happen to have two unicorn friends!

>It sucks to admit Miss Twilight's right, but a checklist would be helpful here:

>Hire a crew (press-gang your friends)
>Plot a course
>Grab some emergency snackies
>"Protect the catalytic converter from brigands, liberals and DMV inspectors" - Jerry (transcribed and translated) (does this thing even need to convert anything? It's powered by a star!)
>Pass through the wall of angry refugee ponies blocking the docking bay doors

>Wait, what?
"Anon was right the whole time and I got free snackies for being the only pony to stop and listen and then I started helping him, it was this whole thing."
>".....Okay, where is he?"
"Just like that? You were gonna beat me up but now-"
>"We can't mount a resistance without food! Haven't you ever seen any movie ever?"
>"Shouldn't we see if Anon has an instruction manual for his farm equipment? We're already trespassing so it's not like commandeering stuff for a civil emergency would- oh, nopony is listening, ok."
"Uh, he left for New Horseleans. He should be there by now, or almost, I dunno the train schedule."
>"Oh. Guess we're all gonna starve. Thanks anyway, kid."
>The mob shuffles back towards the farmhouse; you hear Berry Punch speaking over the "STARVING IS BACK ON THE AGENDA! RUBY, no, you gotta look more pitiful than that! Your body's eating itself! At least be polite enough to let future adventurers know how sucky a way to die this is!"

>You briefly consider telling them The Big Plan, but maybe all this brain whiplash is bad for their hearts- best to just slip away.
>Wait, no, your job is specifically helping Anon get ponies to not be dumb about this- you gotta do something!
>Or not- looks like Anon took the science lab with him. Crud.
>No time to waste. Get to work, captain.
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She wants to show you how a Big Pony cuddles
>”We're already trespassing so it's not like commandeering stuff for a civil emergency would- oh, nopony is listening, ok."
Oh, my sides...
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“I love it! But I love you, more”
>Her happy expression falls, and you think for a moment that you’ve hurt her feelings somehow
>Slowly, her eyes swirl around until they’re, miraculously, both focused on you
>You slowly start to back away, looking around for anyone nearby that you can call for help if need be
>There’s not a soul in sight
>She hovers toward you, a deadly serious look on her face
“I’m... I’m sorry! Whatever it is I did to upset you; please, forgive me!”
>Her speed picks up, and genuine fear hits you as you turn and run
>You don’t even make it five steps before she tackles you to the ground and ends up on your chest
>As she’s pinning you down, breathing heavily, you’re shocked to no end when she darts her face toward yours...
>And kisses you like there’s no tomorrow
damn she's faster than rainbow dash here
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"So that's it- Two of us can fit in the driver seat and work the pedals and the wheel, while the third one navigates and works the other doohickeys. That should be you, Dinky-"
>"Yep. Don't trust you guys with maps, got it."
"Great- this thing can keep up with a train for a long time, but it's probably gonna take a few days since there's no roads big enough for this and we don't want to risk squishing a pony cause we couldn't slow down in time."
>"And nighttime?"
"We can keep going- it's got lamps that make Canterlot's streetlights look like crummy nightlights, and there's a bulb in the roof so you can still see the map. Even when we have to sleep, there's plenty of room in the wagon. It'll be like camping except our tent is the size of a house and goes vroom!"
>".....What about....."
"What about what?"
>Her face is turning pink. "You know."
"No, I really don't."
>"You- UGH- Fillies don't talk about this stuff!"
"OH! You mean poop?"
>Her face turns furious red to match her expression
"If you gotta poop I think there's crazy-bright cigars in the snackbox and we can flip the lights on and just not... watch...... ew, did you think I would watch you go-"

>This argument is mercifully broken when Snails sneaks in with suspiciously full bags
>"Grabbed what I could outta Anon's fridge- it's all junk food but a lot of the bags say corn somewhere and didn't you say his country made sugar from corn? Maybe it'll work almost as good."
>Strange names litter the pile he's dumped into the wagon's back- "Doritos," "Cheetos," "Monster Energy," "Lunchable"
>Several sleeves of peanut-butter crackers!

>Be Trixie
>Feel a disturbance in the Force
>Almost flub your lines for this show
>Keep it together, mare!

>Be Snips
>These are all wrapped in mystical, smooth and colorful... something
>These must be from Anon's homeland, you're starting to feel bad about this, but-
>No. He wanted to help, and you can't help him help if you keel over from hungies halfway out of Dodge
"Snails, you... you did leave some for the others, right?"
>"Duh. Guy has a whole shelf full of junky cheezy snax- I couldn't carry it all if I wanted to."
"Cool. Leave some of those crackers for Trixie. Got a feeling she wants them, somehow."

>Be Trixie
>Feel a sudden peace with the universe
>All shall be well, at its appointed time
>The little song and dance goes without any further hitches
Thanks, derpo.
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why is she so mad???
You called salmon 'pink'
You called egg-white just 'white'
You called scarlet 'red'
truly a women moment
Most kindermares don't care, this is specifically a Rarity moment (possibly featuring Coco or Suri)
giga based dt flaggot
giga-based woona flaggot
KEK yes based as fuck!
Am I cool now, too?
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Based faggot flaggot
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>Twilight treats you to candlelit* dinner**
>*: Lightbulbs because mom says she's not allowed to use fire
>**: Cranberry juice and noodle soup imported from the far east(ern convenience store)
>Brings you upstairs
>TFW she asks you to jump on the bed with her
>What do?
Join her, hold her close, and then... tickle torture
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>>asks you to jump on the bed with her
>she meant that literally
>and that's how you broke the bed
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meanwhile Spike is trying to sleep downstairs, listening to creaky bed noises wondering what the fuck is going on
>Spike has the same level of grown-up knowledge as a Big Pony and thinks that you and Twilight are upstairs boning like rabbits
>His concern grows as you and Twilight decide to do this every night, and he can only wonder just how many foals are about to be running around the place before long
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>Implying there's a metaphor I could've meant
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>playing a fuckton of helldivers
dude /mlpg/ made a steam group for ponyfag helldivers and i play almost every night
here's the invite, it expires in 24 hours so if u need another let me know
i would be honored to dive with the dude who wrote one of the first fics ive ever read (the unfinished version of the fic you've been posting recently)
just say your the fic writer from the kinder thread and ill know who u r
Rip Spikebro
>tfw still running pc parts from 2011 and cant play le funny starship halo terminator game
one day, bros
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Rainbow Dash can't fathom >page 8
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>Eating a big sandwich!
>Don't look at Trixie like that!
>It's a local delicacy: a cajun fishstick po'colt with imitation imitation krab and the fanciest, most adult cheese known to ponykind: pepperjack.
>Nothing less than the most daring yet refined cuisine for the prodigal daughter!
>Why is there a hypothetical observer judging Trixie!? Trixie hungry! All Trixie has had for three days is empty vitamins, with barely a calorie in sight!
>So why is Trixie the most defensive she has been in several weeks?
>Trixie has been actively working to save Equestria!
>Trixie has reconciled with several ponies directly or tangentially connected to her ruination!
>Trixie might even find out why every town within the greater Canterhorn Vale thinks she's a fraud!
>Is Trixie perhaps feeling guilty at the thought of eating? Neigh, Trixie is not stealing snackies, this is so healthy it's basically junk!
>Is Trixie's conscience telling her to share with Anon? Why? Anon has his own money! Trixie knows this because Anon has actually been paying her!
>Anon requiring a bite of Trixie's sandwich is a scenario where Trixie would not have had a sandwich to begin with!
>You kind of miss Snips, all things considered
>He isn't quite as stoopit as he seems. His lanky friend might be even dumber than he seems, but Snips's problem stems from having too many thoughts, not too few.
>More than just missing him, you're worried
>Anon made a point of picking up a newspaper in every train station, and towns all over Equestria were suffering from riots and nightmare-addled ponies
>Hungriness leads to grumpiness leads to terrorists, banditry and general naughtiness. It's honestly a surprise it took this long for Equestria to start falling apart.
>Surviving a few months of famine
>"Manehattan citizens under constant assault from The Poker! Where is Batmare!?"
>"Second Appleloosa-Buffalo War declared! Top analysts predict total defeat of royal forces! Report from the frontlines: "THEY'RE JUST EATING THE PIES WE THROW! OUR WEAPONS ARE USELESS NOW!"
>And so on, and so on
>You worry too much! Ponyville is resident to the element bearers, whom even you must begrudgingly admit can kick rump! Canterlot is an hour's flight away, and Anon's house could withstand a siege from Tambelon itself!
>You eat with slightly more gusto, and as a patron leaves the bistro you grab the newspaper he left on his table
>Aw, nuts....
>Please, let those idiots have taken shelter!
>Surviving a few months of famine was about 2.5 months more surviving than you figured when you heard the news

Somehow forgot to finish that line and the post is too old to delete and repost
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>Somehow forgot to finish that line and the post is too old to delete and repost
I hate that. Just let me delete my posts as I please, darn it! Anyway, great update.
moments like this, I wished then allowed editing
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>She stares at you, you stare at her
>You think, to an adult, you'd like to defer
It took me a few days to truly appreciate these bars
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Aw, that’s much appreciated. It’s a really fun exercise to sit down and try to rhyme your way through a scene like that. More than a single post would probably get exhausting quickly, though.
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Poke a random pony in the butt to see how they react
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Ponies can't consider the rump a sensual area like humans do, otherwise all those times they pushed each other around by the butt would be PG-13. They would, however, get annoyed if you kept doing it.
More proof:
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I see. That makes sense. I’ll just be on my way, then.
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>Page 8
Kinderponies must all be at church (McDonald's Playground)
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>Rarity sees this and is inspired
>Weeks later, ponies are being hired as fashionable hats all over Equestria
>Celestia's new crown is a drinking hat with two lucky foals in the cupholders (the straw lets her blow raspberries on their tummies)
>Twilight and co. are called in after the crown jewels are stolen
>Cadance, who has a suspiciously giggly, funny-shaped turban, claims to know nothing of this
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best sisters
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Oh no, what's got Twiggles so grumpy?
Anon stays inside all day and never pets/cuddles her, or shares his rare snackies. She thinks correction is needed
bucking GREAT
also nice dubs
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No pets or cuddles? He absolutely needs correction.
She looks so serious here
No pets and no cuddles makes twilight a mad mare
Angry twiggy a qt
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pre beb boop
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>Trixie continues to be The 'Fraid and Worryful Trixie.
>Ponyville is now Bonyville.
>Because it's boned, get it?
>Trixie never ceases to amaze Trixie!
>She and Anon are stranded here, in the one place where Trixie might have a home.
>Forget Ponyville, she can't go back if she somehow wanted to anyway!
>No train service.
>It's weeks away by hoof, and she has no wagon to hide in during the long night.
>She's honestly safer here in the bayou.
>It's warm enough to grow sugarcane most of the year, even if there's not enough farmland to serve all of Equestria.
>She can just hole up with her aunt and uncle, and ride out the end-times in luxury!
>The dumdum northerners will regret mocking her, as they crawl through the mud to beg for mere pinches of sweetness!
>She can picture it now- Twilight Sparkle, crawling, dragging her anorexic belly through gravel, hoping for even a single sprinkle of Trixie's charity!
>The insipid PINK one, now unable to pronk, left with no choice but to make sad eyes at the city walls!
>The horrid owner of the even more horrid Sofas and Quills will tremble as the customer base for luxury furnishings dwindles year over year!
>That dastardly simpleton... is actually kind of nice and trying to be better. It really was just a tragicomedy of errors that night.
>Well, what about that mailmare!? The one who always drops stuff.......? Or is that the one who actually managed to find Trixie and deliver her mail, late or not, when she never had a fixed address?
>Applejack. She promised to find out what happened to hurt Trixie.
>....If Trixie gives up this easily, was Applejack right about her the first time?

"Applejack.... was right about me...."
>Sorry, what?
>Oh, right, ever the performer, you!
>Gotta time it just right, even in your internal monologues!
>You finish that statement with a a leaping flourish that looks kind of like a flailing jumping jack
>The ponies around you give The Look and ask "what the-" in varyingly outrageous, varyingly Prench accents

>Soon, you will be the Worn and Sweatyful Trixie from all this running.
>Duck and weave through the crowded streets, towards your singular destination:
>The ancient Moonpie Manor, first built by Napoleon Lulamoon, now owned by Beauregard Lulamoon the Second.
>Almost there!
>You are now on your family's property!
>The large oaken doors are quite intimidating
>It's giving you cause for pause
>"Ah, Mademoiselle Bellatrix. The lord of the estate is Expecting You." The doormat- uh DOORMARE says with a certifiable Prench Smirk.
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Trixie a cutie. Good update!
Flurry is the only non-kinder pony.
She is unreasonably smart and only shows that when anon is alone with her
she craves the D
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i fucking hate this picture. imagine being such an uptight faggot that your wife ,who is a horse, buys you a cool flame shirt and you being such a massive cock sucking faggot are instead worried about what 14 year olds on the internet would think
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Flame Shirts are sweet and badass
I don’t feel quite as strong about it, but I would definitely wear it proudly, then scoop her up and give her lots of thankful kissies.
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Excitable radical Dash is adorable.
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hnnnnnnng! Must pet! Must cuddle! Must boop!
Guy Fieri is unironically a sweet and cool guy and I wouldn't feel worthy of wearing his heraldry.
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Board is zooming right now. Safety bump.
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I wonder what gave board mare the zoomies
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*obligatory futa joke here* , she got da glizzy.
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H-haha, good one!
I’m unsure how you actually feel, but I do kinda miss that general. What remains of it in /trash/ is just that: trash. No attempt at class at all. Rant over, back to Kinder
>The doors closed behind you with an appropriately bone-shattering creak and thud.
>The carpet, however, could not be squeakier.
>Nor more pliant yet resilient.
>It's really amazing how they installed those big doors in the world's largest inflatable bouncy castle.
>When in Roan, as they say. You take a moment to find your bouncy legs, then set off with a snoot aimed towards the sitting room.
>Enough of that! You, (being Trixie), were there; you know you bounced after nearly every word uttered in this palace of temporary upward velocity. There shall be no further reminiscing on each and every luxurious hop, skip and/or jump!

>"Ah say, has mah brutha's little rayut finahlly come bayuck with her tail b'tween her legs?
>Uncle Beauregard sneers down at you, then up, then down, as he sits in his spring-loaded La-Z-Colt.
>Every time he reaches the apex of a jump or fall, it rearranges the 50 different bolo ties strewn across his suit jacket.
>Yet he never, EVER spills his mint julep, in spite of it being in an ordinary glass in an ordinary sippy helmet.

"Where else would Trixie's tail be!? It's not like Trixie can gain enough traction for a gallop in this house!"
>Your first mistake was back-talking.
>No, your first mistake was waking up today- we're on mistake number four, at least.
>"Mighty bold words, for somepony dumb enough to try sellin' a new kind of sugar TO THE CITY'S BIGGEST SUGAR MAGNATE."
"Why is that stupid!? You're not making as much money right now as-"
>"Bellatrix, ah thought we raised you bettuh."

>Alright, if he stops there, this can just be a normal cruddy visit.
>"Not by much, considerin' you chose a life of.... flamboyant vagrancy. Suppose them apples nevuh fall far from them there trees."
>He went there. Dammit.
>Your facade must have cracked, just for a moment, but enough for his eyebrow to raise in condescending satisfaction.

>"Ohhhhh, never you mind an ol' stallion's rambling- you were sayin'? Somethin' about the solution to gettin' these dayum crops into the city, from all ovuh Equestria, before they rot? Because, surely, you wouldn't come here to waste m'time an' taunt me with new sources of revenue just ever so out of mah grasp? Because there ain't any 'round here, Bella-"
>"YES, IT GETS SHIPPED IN FROM THE CARROTBEAN ISLES- BY AIRSHIP! Airships require specialized facilities to dock and load! Facilities which 90% of Equestria does. not. have."


"Don't yell at Trixie for not studying travel infrastructure she doesn't even use! Trixie likewise couldn't have known half the blasted country would become borderline impassible within three days!"
>Tears welling up. Mouth open to respond-
>"On that matter- ah finally obtained a newspaper of your little escapades 'round Canterhorn. What in Tartarus were you thinking?
"Well, I-"
>"You couldn't just make up a monster? Here, I'll give you one for free- 'Trixie has even defeated the dreaded Platypus!' You see how easy that was?"
>Trixie should not have to apologize for treating her audience like grown-ups!
>Is what you would say if you weren't starting to ugly-cry.

>"You realize anything you do with your name attached comes back TO ME, YES?"
>"All the boys at the miniature golf club heard about that! Ah couldn't get through a single hole without them snickering behind mah back!"
>"'Heeheehee, Tricky Looneymoon does it again!' This is the thanks I get for taking you in after your father's tragic fall into the arms of a mistress? Do you have ANY idea how mortifying it was when, on a business trip to THE PALACE, Princess Celestia herself went all wide-eyed upon hearing mah last name!?"
"T-t-t-trixie is try-"
>"And then you have the nerve to slink back here with your con artist "associate" and buttuh me up? Well, where's the toast!? You didn't bring the toast- your little plan is all buttuh, no toast I say!"
>If Meg has mercy, going to bed tonight will be the last decision you ever make.
>Be Anon
>This place is Hell on your knees!
>You've spent most of the past three days in the kitchen.
>Why? It's the only room with fully solid floors in this neon rubber nightmare house.
>Well that, and Beau is a fucking dickhead who acts like you and Trixie are personally responsible for a national crisis escalating and costing him a business venture he hadn't even started yet.
>Naturally this means you're a ragamuffin who's lucky to even sleep under the table.
>Really, WHO DESIGNED THIS? You're not surprised by the idea of a bouncy mansion, it's an idea you yourself entertained in your youth, but...
>Suffice to say: you've had to use public outhouses because 'only room with solid floors' meant ONLY. ROOM.

>You and Trixie both have had three days of constantly looking for any reason to not be in this nightmare-palace where southern hospitality intersects with toxic family relationships and an old idiot to whom 'not getting his way' isn't merely infuriating but utterly beyond his comprehension.

>It started out alright, you almost had the guy convinced the day you arrived- before the train service ended.
>Hop off the 9am express, grab your demo kit, head straight for the manor.
>Trixie gets you in the door, then she's eager to be anywhere but here.
>Beau greeted her coldly (no sweet tea!) until she introduced you as a potential supplier.
>After which, he was jonesing to get her out and talk to "the new family friend"- even gave her the family I.O.U. stamp and the address of a fancy sandwich shop.
>The little business meeting went well-
>Then the news from the north trickles in, train service cuts out, and the greedy prick's potential profits are snatched from future Beau's hooves.
>The past three days since have been nothing but fights with scheduled recesses for the valet to bring in throat lozenges and water.
>It's only gotten worse today- Beau already insulted Trixie's parents in their first fight, and she could barely take that standing up.
>Now he's talking exclusively to a turnip he painted blue and named Good Trixie.
>Every time Trixie comes up with any ideas, Beau shakes the turnip, says the same thing she just said in a mocking impression of her voice and goes 'ha ha- that's just a joke, Uncle Beau! I know we're not dumb enough to do that!'
>And, in case you forgot, this is all happening with every participant constantly bouncing 15 feet into the air.
>Oh, shit. Trixie just spat one of Beau's plans back at him- this is going to get ugly the second he realizes he called himself a joke.
>Uglier, anyway.
>Enough of this. You're no stranger to the tribulations of rich, probably-inbred relatives, and you sure as hell dealt with enough of that back home.
>Time to do something drastic. For Equestria. For your fucking sanity.
>For your friend/employee/most interesting distraction since you saw Fluttershy's ass right after the Falling of the Leaves. (Lord forgive you for the thoughts you have.)
>Out into the hallway, act casual, don't give away your intentions.
>The maid is bouncing along with 5 fresh Big Gulps of mint julep- fucking unicorns, showing off with their telekinesis.
>At least now you know where Trixie gets it from.
>It takes longer than you'd expect- the sitting room is empty, forcing you to follow Trixie's renewed anguished cries to the study.
>Cajun fuck reinforced the floor with trampolines so he can have his goddamn desk bouncing up and down on vertical rails.
>He's gone beyond doing that spongebob voice bullshit- now he's got a full-ass dollhouse out, acting out a perfect little family for Good Trixie, and he's not even letting Trixie be the dog, let alone herself.
>Any doubts you had on this course of action are annihilated by the sight of a stallion older than your father tying his niece up and forcing her to watch him play Barbie with a turnip.
>Jump onto the desk, brace yourself on the rail, hope to God you're sturdy enough that it won't just snap you in half when it bounces back up
>"I say- I say- what in the blazes is the meaning of this!?"
>Stare him in the eyes, say nothing
>You draw your revolver, taking a moment to appreciate the smooth draw from your holster, its reassuring heft, the satisfying clicks as the hammer is pulled into half- or full-cock.
>"Nice capgun, but this playdate is invitation-only, so-"
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Woah. Bit of a rollercoaster. What a jerk of an uncle! Time to bust some kneecaps
The ‘secret hoofshake’ between these two has gotten quite complicated. They can rest assured that they totally know what they’re doing, being the Big Ponies that they are.
In an Equestria populated by Pabbley’s mares, I would be sent to pone prison immediately.
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Poners are so cute when they are looking up
>The report is followed by silence.
>Nothing but the new ringing in your ears.
>The gravity of what you've done hangs in the air.
>Until the ringing finally subsides and you can hear a ragged, flatulent hiss.
>All of this happens in the span of a breath, and the desk bounces up, bumping you harmlessly into the rubber roof.
>Desk must be made of particle board or something equally light and cheap, you reckon.
>"What in tarnation!? You- you.... YOU SHOT A HOLE IN MY HOUSE!"
"Shut it, Schmo-regard."
>There goes the turnip!
>Beau has some on his face, hehe.
"This can go two ways, you old bastard- we walk away and you never bother Trixie again, or I shoot enough holes in your house that you'll never fix it."
>"Why I never- these walls have been inflated for ten generations, how dare you!"
"Three holes- your staff can patch that in a couple hours."
"You don't appear to negotiate with anyone, considering you've unfairly blamed us for what any sane businesspony would consider a temporary obstacle."
>"It is your fault for wasting my time! You shouldn't have even come here if you didn't have a backup plan!"
"This is a national emergency. It isn't going to magically get better- someone has to actively try to fix it."
"Give some extra rations to some mail pegasi, then they'll be strong enough to hitch wagons and carry the crop, letting you produce more, and hire more couriers, etc. etc. And you can write it all off as an 'Emergency Goods Forfeiture' and be in a lower tax bracket for like 10 years."
>He's silent for a while, save the rustling of his admittedly glorious moustache.
>Did we finally get somewhere?
>"A sound plan- unfortunately, I didn't think of it, so nyah nyah." He says as he crosses his forelegs.
>God dammit.
>Fucking baby.
>He's probably in adult diapers, too.
>Just come full circle on being a useless, selfish grubling, haven't you?
>Okay, time for you to be *really* unreasonable.
>On your left ankle is stowed the greatest paean to Equestria's glory.
>Your sawed-off shotgun, totally illegal in the libarbl US, but totally legal here because God saw fit that this land doesn't even have gun laws.
"You see this? It's not like my little capgun. Each barrel shoots a cloud of little pellets that spread out the further I am from my target. Untie Trixie, let her keep the IOU stamp, and write us a note guaranteeing free use of your processing plant."
>"BOY, I-"
"Or else I go outside, start ventilating walls, and don't stop until I run completely out of ammo."
>"This is banditry, boy!"
"Yeah? Who're you gonna call, the princesses? The guard? They're all laid up because the famine's getting that bad- you think they'll side with the guy who refused to help just because he was jealous he didn't think of it first?"
>What follows is the most awkward hour of your life.
>A gun-toting wackjob, a tear-stained illusionist and a crotchety old miser waiting for the notary public to arrive.
>The walls are still farting out their bounciness for a half-hour, when the bouncesmith comes in, looks at the wall, casts Mending 3 times and charges Beau 100 bits for the house call.
>"I'd have done it meself, but the National Smiths' Clubhouse keeps those spells a trade secret. Ahem."
>More awkward shuffles, coughs and attempts at small talk follow.
>You're pretty sure Hell is just this, forever- the lakes of fire are the fun stuff for all the virtuous pagans and heavy metal enthusiasts; the bad people just have to sit in a room with their in-laws.
>Finally, the butler announces the arrival of Ever Accurate, Certified Witness to Events and Validator of Parking.
>A smallish earth mare with a rather mousy hairstyle and thick, round glasses bounces into the room, loses control and faceplants into the desk.
>Wow, she looks REALLY familiar-
>And that sing-song voice
>"OOF! OW! Ah, hello, please, just call me Eve or Evie, uh- right, pleasure to meet you... Mr. Lulamoon, your runner told me you needed a contract notarized?"
>She almost looks like....
>"Yes'm, got it all written down here."
>Like someone took Trixie's horn, painted her the wrong colors, aged her 25 years, and slapped some cute glasses on her-
>Wow, you're starting to recognize ponies by their facial structure- you're really going native, huh?
>"A-a-a-l-l-lrighty then, I'm supposed to read it aloud- let's see here, blah blah right to access facilities blah blah not to be restricted blah blah for a period no less than 'the duration of the current yet-unnamed national crisis (which began in the year of our Tree 03 A.L.R.)'"
>"Yeah- it's hard to define these things when there isn't just one jerk causing all the trouble."
>She chuckles, "Of course- now, I'm obligated to ask Mr. Lulamoon, and please answer honestly- are you making this extremely one-sided contract under duress?"
>Beau's eyes trace Trixie's magic field from her horn, to the shotgun she's holding, to the load-bearing wacky inflatable arm-flailing tubeman she's aiming it at-
>Fuck, Eve noticed that-
>Oh, Beau, you need to learn to be polite. Especially when talking to government agents who might be the birth mother of your brother's illegitimate child.
>"Obviously not- you're a big, powerful stallion and you'd never be threatened by your own niece like this. And, hypothetically, if you were- it would be your word against mine. Shall we sign? I've got a fresh stamp, you'll be its first!"
>"I don't think I'm anypony; I *know* I'm somepony with a royally-appointed position. Now, I have some concerns with the wording of the preamble- in it, you describe the past three days which led to this proposal? It could easily read as an admission of kidnapping an adult mare? I'm sure I'm just paranoid, but it's my job to make sure both parties are giving informed consent!"
>Beau damn near pops a vein. He might have noticed the resemblance by now.
>He finally just eats the damn contract, shouting his victory through a mouth full of paper.
>"HA! Try and say anything now- you gots no pro-OOF! MMMMF!"
>That was the beautiful sound of Beau being socked in the gut and muzzled by his doormat- DOORMARE, now wearing full golden plate and a deliciously evil grin.
>"I also know I'm talking to somepony who just destroyed a government document.(1)"
>"Now, our undercover agent here has some questions regarding, uh-"
>"The disappearance of one Alister Lulamoon, the forging of documents and submission of false testimony regarding the adoption of Bellatrix Lulamoon, the failure to forfeit inheritance and estate to Bellatrix Lulamoon upon her maturity and subsequent termination of your regency, the very concerning activities of the last three days, and the unlawful destruction of one Temporary Government Document."
>"Right, that! Have fun, Mr. Lulamoon! Try the donuts- the guard station has a special contract for them, they're to die for!"
>Once more, the room contains three bouncing occupants, as Beauregard flings every insult he can think of at the mole in his operation.
>(1)Hint: any document currently being read by a government official automatically becomes an official document until such time as she is no longer looking in its general direction. Celestia got REAL tired of nobles thinking they could just burn their report cards right in front of her and get off on a technicality. - Eve(2)
>(2):Yes, my governmental powers include making footnotes in other creatures' internal monologues. Don't buck with the bureaucracy, 'kay?
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Board's zoomy today
zoomares know no bounds, many thanks for the green btw much obliged.

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