OH SHIT NIGGA. You are lady Firemane. Of the (formerly) noble house of Fireborn! You were once the greatest wagon racer this side of the kingdom. Sadly due to shenanigans, you lost everything and went into debt with the Adventurer's Guild in order to survive. But then you found the Inexperienced Hero, Ezekiel "Kid" Rutebega ! You took him under your wing to mold him into the hero he's always meant to be: your devoted apprentice (probably)Ezekiel's older brother has started his campaign of destruction, he leads his hordes of undead barbarians to ravage the lands. As members of the guild, your party has went on the quest chain to stop said undead barbarian horde. After losing your wagon in a battle, you stole another one from the barbarians and is now riding back to the guild.
Rolled 100 (1d100)>>6112283What does barb car think, you know our night rider wagon?
>>6112284"I recommend murdering all barbarians. Preferably violently"
Rolled 38 (1d100)>>6112290DOOOO ITTTTT!!
>>6112295HEY LOOK A RANDOM BARB ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD
Rolled 100 (1d100)>>6112298Fiddy points!
>>6112284>>6112301what the fuck is your RNG right now anon
>>6112303God owes me
>>6112301Goddamn. You annihilated that guy
Rolled 68 (1d100)>>6112306The party is right to fear a female driver
Rolled 44 (1d100)>>6112306What is the barbarian car's name?
>>6112307"See, Kid. This is why you gotta be on guard around females."
Rolled 19 (1d100)>>6112345Double sexism
>>6112346"Y'see, females are actually only after one thing. Your mana. They steal it, and leave you powerless. And what happens then? That's right. They make you pay taxes. This is because women are actually a creation of the monarchy. Project F3M4L, look it up"
Rolled 80 (1d100)>>6112352Honk honk next barbarian bites dust
>>6112353MEANWHILE, A BIT FURTHER UP THE ROAD"Howsit going, old timer?""aaaa I aint what I used to be. This is going to be my final campaign. After this, I'll retire and spend time with my grandkids""A noble goal"
Rolled 43 (1d100)>>6112356Might as well go on a blast. Time to bring out the old wagon one more time to be race again.
>>6112366Did anon have a stroke writing this
Rolled 71 (1d100)>>6112356Veooom
>>6112369>>6112356>>6112370Blood meter is full. Time for car show toons to sing along. Like a family. Put on heavy metal song alongs
Rolled 93 (1d100)>>6112371
>>6112369Somewhat, ackAlso Vroom*
>>6112372Yes, hello, 911? Yeah, it's over for anon
>>6112377Doowap skoobididoop
Rolled 70 (1d100)>>6112383>>6112377
>>6112384
Rolled 45 (1d100)>>6112388Bleh, hold me close op! It's getting dark...
Rolled 81 (1d100)>>6112388After score of barbarians on the path. We finally arrive to the guild and get pay.
>>6112390"Ah, welcome back. I got the news that you successfully protected the temple. Barring some...collateral damage""The monks were grateful for the help. We even got a new wagon from the barbarians"
Rolled 13 (1d100)>>6112394We need to name our new wagon
>>6112395Of course, while Kid deals with the payment, you go and name the new wagon
Rolled 81 (1d100)>>6112398The Shitfucker
>>6112404A powerful name
Rolled 36 (1d100)>>6112405This should do until we get our wagon repaired.
>>6112406Speaking of which, you gotta get that back to the shop. Kinda sucks that you just had it customized too.
Rolled 67 (1d100)>>6112411Get the payment from our current job and let's see how much it'll take to repair...
>>6112412"Miss Firemane! Look! We got a huge sack of gold from the quest. We can spend it on equipment and stuff before heading out to deal with the barbarians again"
Rolled 33 (1d100)>>6112415TO THE WAGON SHOP
>>6112416"Firemane? Back so soon? Wagon needs a tune up?"
Rolled 5 (1d100)>>6112427Yeah it got kinda smashed by a giant rock.
>>6112429"Ah. Must be those barbarians huh. Alright, lemme see the damage"
Rolled 38 (1d100)>>6112432Show em the wagon
>>6112435"Damn. This looks fucked. We're gonna need to replace so many parts you'd wonder if it even counts as the original wagon anymore"While ye olde Wagon Knight looks over the damages...I gotta go, Be back in like, 5 hours.updates b here n shit: https://twitter.com/notapaladin
>>6112439>mfw can't check for updates anymore because they banned xitter in my country
We are surrounded by unwashed hordes of Brazilians.
Rolled 16 (1d100)>>6112584Wagon?
>>6112590"yeah, shit's fucked. Gonna take a while to fix. And by fix I mean replace most of it "
>>6112598Alrighty then, let's go spin the wheel of what wacky sideplot we'll go while we wait for the wagon to be repaired for conveniently enough time that it ends just as we need to go on another big mission.
Rolled 60 (1d100)>>6112600Stoopid
Rolled 18 (1d100)>>6112584NO FIREMANE, THAT SONG IS ABOUT COCAINE ADDICTION>>6112598Cool, I always wanted a Cart of Theseus
>>6112602
Rolled 34 (1d100)>>6112607What's that on your shoulder, Cart Knight?
Rolled 21 (1d100)>>6112607Now spin the wheel. What will it be?
Rolled 44 (1d100)>>6112607Why cant we just use shit fucker?
>>6112611well I mean I thought the plan right now is just to use shitfucker until your wagon is fixed, then you decide what's next
Rolled 3 (1d100)>>6112613Yeah that makes sense, what'd'ya say, Shitfucker?
Rolled 70 (1d100)>>6112613No, we need to have an wacky sideplot while we wait.
>>6112614
Rolled 52 (1d100)>>6112621Hey, i won that roll! Gimme my filler arc!
>>6112621Fair enough, lets go do anons whacky sideplot, maybe punch a penguin or two
>>6112622Indeed, anon, but you see...I was too deep into the bit and I didn't wanna restart so it iz what it iz.Anyway who wanna roll for a wacky sidequest
Rolled 84 (1d100)>>6112625Lets roll some dice as well, that's always fun
Rolled 18 (1d100)>>6112626Okay, well, let's see, we've already had an Ezekiel sidearc before with that woman...so that means the new sideplot can be either related to firemane herself, or Double Whiz
>>6112629>
Rolled 19 (1d100)>>6112640So? Do you have any relevant storyline you need to finish that isn't important enough for the grand finale mission?
Rolled 8 (1d100)>>6112640Look out, Double Wizard! Plot relevant event is right behind you! Relating to you no less!
Rolled 42 (1d100)>>6112640Fist of God approves of double wizard quest
>>6112642>>6112644>>6112646
Rolled 63 (1d100)>>6112654Little does he know he ran into his ex...who is also a tax collector
Rolled 30 (1d100)>>6112656>Wizard>Ex
>>6112660He just never managed to hit it, you know how it is
>>6112661I thought he was anime protagonist level dense and never noticed his master flirting with him all his life.
Rolled 44 (1d100)>>6112654After him! We can't watch this quest with out our own eyes! Follow him fellow anons!
>>6112656"Ex? Silly anon. Women will steal your mana. I would never be in a relationship, as it would intrude on my magical capabilities. I only lived with my female master my entire adult life while studying magic"
Rolled 35 (1d100)>>6112669But lo and behold it is the spectre of Double Wizard's Double Wizard ex-master, called from the grave by necrobarbarian magic emanations!Also she's a tax collector too, what's up with that
>>6112670"Preposterous. No way shitass barbarian magic can do that"
Rolled 40 (1d100)>>6112681DOUBLE WIZARD WATCH OUT SHE'S GOING TO GRAB YOU AND THEN TELEPORT USING THE KIDNAP SPELL
>>6112691"Huh? Whaddayamean--OH SHIT"
Rolled 21 (1d100)>>6112694Oh no, she's taken him....somewhere! Somewhere plot relevant! Like her old magic tower or something like that! And now we're going to have to save him!
>>6112696"OH NO! DOUBLE WIZARD!""HE'S BEEN TAKEN TO WHERE THE PLOT IS!"
Rolled 13 (1d100)>>6112702How horrible!Anyway, what's for dinner?
>>6112704"BUT HE MAY BE IN GRAVE DANGER! WE GOTTA GO SAAAAVE HIM"
Rolled 90 (1d100)>>6112712Okay. Grab the dinner to go. We'll eat it on the way there.
Rolled 88 (1d100)>>6112712Don't worry Boy, he's probably in a tax agency having his stuff audited over, look, there he is seen through the window of Ye Olde Taxes AgencyReally worst that will happen is him being sent to a local equivalent of federal prison...o no
>>6112714"DELICIOUS CHICKEN. TO GOOOOOO"
Rolled 100 (1d100)>>6112722Mmmmm champken...anyways where did he go?
>>6112722Okay, let's go. Shitfucker, ride on!
>>6112723hmmm...where could have that ghost taken him
Rolled 93 (1d100)>>6112728Double Tower
Rolled 45 (1d100)>>6112728Here
>>6112729>>6112728Two chariots are about to crash in to the towers.
>>6112729Shitfucker, awaaaaay
Rolled 84 (1d100)>>6112745Hey look, Barbarian Orphanage!
>>6112746"Boy, being an orphan sure sucks. Hope I get to join the horde soon""Hmmmm....rock"
Rolled 35 (1d100)>>6112749The wagon passes by in the background for comedic effect.
Rolled 22 (1d100)>>6112749Squish
>>6112751
Rolled 49 (1d100)>>6112755Let's get to that tower, eh? Who knows what that woman is doing to poor DW....
>>6112756Indeed. who knows what nefarious deeds she is subjecting the double wizard to....Which we'll find out in uh...I dunno, whenever I wake up i guess. Head hurty makes me sleepyUpdates b here n shit: https://twitter.com/notapaladin
Rolled 72 (1d100)>>6112763>Meanwhile, at the Double Tower...
Rolled 6 (1d100)>>6113287OH GOD ANOTHER ORB JUST HIT THE DOUBLE TOWERS
>>6117901dramatic approach to the towers deuce
>>6117902DUN DUN
Rolled 31 (1d100)>>6117910Party wonders Do they cast double on their penis as well?
Rolled 90 (1d100)>>6117912what the hell are you even talking about anon
>>6117913They are double wizards anon... One must know if they are packing double wands!
>>6117912>>6117913
Rolled 31 (1d100)>>6117920...Ignoring that, it's time to arrive at the spooky undead wizard castle. This definitely isn't the opening cutscene of a horror survival game.
Rolled 56 (1d100)>>6117920Don't you look at me like that you whores!
>>6117922
Rolled 40 (1d100)>>6117929It's time...to go.Go in.
Rolled 12 (1d100)>>6117929Whip crack Castle vania style
>>6117931
>>6117940Firepunch that nigga and march on
Rolled 22 (1d100)>>6117940Fire slash Pacifist punchFire ball
>>61179432spooky4me
Rolled 10 (1d100)>>6117956Wagon slam
Rolled 51 (1d100)>>6117956Fire SLASH
Rolled 7 (1d100)>>6117960WILL IT HIT?
Rolled 66 (1d100)>>6117980
>>6117985You have obliterated the first obstacle in this castle of horrors:a single skeleton
Rolled 100 (1d100)>>6117992Now onto the next enemy.
>>6117994Incoming horde of zombies, ghouls and skeletons!
Rolled 45 (1d100)>>6117997What is this, OP? We are attacking a double tower and don't face a double horde of zombies, ghouls and skeletons?You fell off
>>6117997Blow em up, we got no time for anything less than a miniboss.
Rolled 14 (1d100)>>6118000
Rolled 36 (1d100)>>6117997Party attack of coolness tech
>>6117998Well, uh, you see, uhm, when there's 2 hordes, they make, uh, one big horde, yea
Rolled 88 (1d100)>>6118007Very well, its two smaller hordes that look like one big horde from a distanceLet us battle
Rolled 95 (1d100)>>6118008
Rolled 88 (1d100)>>6118019wHAT THE fuck
Rolled 41 (1d100)>>6118019Fight for the last
Rolled 3 (1d100)>>6118019Mahji-deh(For real home boy!?)
Rolled 55 (1d100)>>6118019Fight-eh!
>>6118022You were fending off the undead horde(s) but then suddenly, a particularly large abomination drags you across the courtyard and separates you from the party!
Rolled 95 (1d100)>>6118034Is this the part where it's revealed this whole kidnapping of the double wizard was a scheme to get us separated so one of the king's monsters could kidnap us and take firemane to his evil lair, forcing Ezekiel to take decisions on his own for the first time?
>>6118040Whut? Uh....pretty sure this was just a party seperation mechanic...Who tf is this king, when did he appear
Rolled 63 (1d100)>>6118051Barbarian extinction timeline
Rolled 51 (1d100)>>6118051Ezekiel'd brother? Wasn't he an undead barbarian king? Anyway, you usually have these plots late into the story where the mentor gets captured by the Villain or something to let the protagonist show how far he came...but it's only on the final arcs. Not sure how much percent of the story we're on.
>>6118055Ah of course. The good timeline.In any case you're still being dragged across the courtyard. It is pretty painful. Preferably you should stop this.>>6118056Ah, he's more of a warlord at the moment. Currently directing his hordes to ravage the land. He'll become king if he succeeds.
Rolled 78 (1d100)>>6118061Nah, you'll get used to it.
Rolled 13 (1d100)>>6118061Oh Kay or have fist of God counter
Rolled 56 (1d100)>>6118063Are you sure
Rolled 37 (1d100)>>6118077Ye
>>6118079Unfortunately you did not get used to it, and took damage all the way. Fortunately, the beast lets you go. Unfortunately, it did it by launching you at a nearby statue. You are dazed!
Rolled 92 (1d100)>>6118081Yeah, well, FIREBALL
Rolled 1 (1d100)>>6118082DAZED. REELING. PREPARING A FIREBALLYou have a -35 malus due to being dragged across the courtyard and getting slammed into a statue
>>6118085>nat 1BUT THE BEAST FORGOT TO DODGE ANYWAY
Rolled 89 (1d100)>>6118085>rolled 1come on OP
>>6118087Ya win some ya lose some. Das showbiz, bby
Rolled 33 (1d100)>>6118088Turn it onto hard difficulty, it's too easy.
>>6118089THE ABOMINATION HAS SOMEHOW BEEN EMPOWERED BY THE FIRE.ITS ROLLS WILL NOW BE THE SUM OF 2D100+20AND ALSO YOU OWE IT YOUR LUNCH MONEY
Rolled 8 (1d100)>>6118088What the rest of the party fighting?
Rolled 8 (1d100)>>6118092IT'S SWORD TIMEGO CUT OFF ITS LIMBS!
Rolled 80 (1d100)>>6118092Aw man, I need that money, this is Fire School all over again
Rolled 38 (1d100)>>6118092Use team skill it can't have all our lunch money!
>>6118095FLAAAASSSSHBAAACK"Firemane! Just who I was looking for. Gimme your lunch money, nerd"
Rolled 3 (1d100)>>6118101Go back to the fight before Opee shows up!
>>6118102What a terrible memory...now where did that undead beast go
Rolled 57 (1d100)>>6118104Slap yourself back to normal
Rolled 15 (1d100)>>6118108CAN YOU SLAP YESELF BACK TO NORMAL?Roll 1d100 with a -35 malus. While the dazed condition has a +20 bonusYou do that while I go...sleep. it's 4 Am. bread will continue later.Updates b here n shit: https://twitter.com/notapaladin
Rolled 61 (1d100)>>6118113Damn, this dazed condition got arms
