When I look at myself in the mirror, the heat comes to my face. I'm convinced time has slipped and I've just left the mirror: now it's someone else standing there, pretending to be me. When I shut my eyes, they invade my body, so I have to keep them open. I don't own my body.Yesterday, I went through the phone book at random, picking out men's names that seemed interesting, calling them up and inviting them to come over and fuck me. Finally one accepted. When he arrived at my door, I opened it but left the chain attached. He could see me in my nightgown. His body matched his voice, which had been rough and crude on the telephone. He was large and hairy. His face was dark, pitted. His hands were huge. I wanted him to choke me to death. I let him in. I undressed, lying flat on my stomach on the floor, hoping he'd see how vulnerable I was and kill me. Instead he kissed the back of my neck softly, then gently fucked me. I tried to squirm, to become violent, so he'd get angry with me and hurt me, but instead he reacted by losing his erection and apologizing. I stood up, looking down at him as if he were a useless, retarded child, and told him to leave. After he'd gone, I went to the mirror, massaged my breasts, pulled the nipples up to my mouth, and sucked them for hours. I lost myself, I forgot where I was, I lost control of my body. I don't know who I am. I want to be obliterated. I want to be sucked up into my cunt.
