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Thread for discussions about selfharm and mutual support

Christmasis no more
but new years is soon :3

Hello :>
>How are you doing today?
>Any plans for today?
>When was the last time you hurt yourself?
>Why did you hurt yourself?
>Is there anything bothering you right now?
>>
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helpful links

>a long list of self harm alternatives (thank you muddy):
https://imgur.io/a/7Q2zgw7

> frst aid post cuting:
https://www.lifesigns.org.uk/first-aid-for-self-injury-and-self-harm/

> wound care guide:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CsvJs8qNCVkHWHKekMSmCn6qn0GBEcgnq9fIqlA6Uv0/mobilebasic

> bpd workbook:
https://d-pdf.com/book/1781/read

> dbt (dialectical behavioral therapy)
workbook is intended for BPD but can work for anyone:
https://www.pdfdrive.com/the-dialectical-behavior-therapy-skills-workbook
>>
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helpful for stress
>>
first

at the airport going back home from new york. i was only there for like 3 days and barely got to do anything, but im grateful regardless.
>>
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>>79873609
my babies, i miss them so much
>>
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Sometimes I feel I need a bf :/

>>79872997
The new year is exciting. How are you cat?

>>79859532
>That means alot, thanks gator
Of course your a very cool and fun person to talk too.
>i always wanted one of them as a kid, i still do now
That's sweet, you can probably get them for fairly cheap but idk.

>>79861387
>saw it sounds like you had a decent one as well
I did thanks :D.
>make sure to take care of your
Tamagotchi :>
I will! I'll keep him fed and everything.

>>79861400
Well you probably are "normal" you just don't see yourself as that.

>>79873609
I hope you had fun at now York, and ate some nice food.

>>79873621
They are the most adorable kitties.
>>
Good Day lads. Hope your all doing decent and all. Christmas over now Good that no more memories but shame about work being back. Shame thread died but ah well. New photo at least.
>>79873609
Good you didn't do anything rash. Nice cats too what breed are they?
>>79873665
Loves tough chap dont rush it. Try and go to pubs and such its where a lot of dating happens. That and the internet apps but those are a bit off and all.
>>79872997
And good day and life to the king of this country. Hope you have a decent day and all.
>>
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>>79873812
i have no idea what breed they are, i got them from a shelter. i never really bothered to find out, theyre too cure for me to care.
>>
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>>79873609
Hellooo :DD
>the airport going back home
gonna say hello to the kitties soon :3
Have a safe trip back

>>79873665
Hey ali
Not feeling well today?
>new year is exciting.
yup
> How are you cat?
I'm okay, just chilling and I put some more earthbound
also when I was in the garage today a little mouse ran in from the outside
I tried to catch it but I had to go so I just left it and I think it found it's way out because I couldn't find it later

>>79873812
Hiya :>
I'm doing well, played earthbound and found a mouse in my garage
>shame about work being back
crap !
>Shame thread died but ah well
it's alright I can always make more :D
(and u guys can make them too ofc)
>good day and life to the king of this country
oh stop heh x3
>>
>>79872997
Hi everyone! How is everyone doing?
>>How are you doing today?
Pretty good right now, I pretty down the last couple of days but I took some caffeine pills and adderall so feel alright now. I feel kinda dizzy from not eating for a couple days but I feel pretty motivated overall
>>Any plans for today?
Probably prepare for the next semester of uni, clean the house before my mom gets back from work and I also gotta apply for student loans
>>When was the last time you hurt yourself?
Few months ago
>>Why did you hurt yourself?
Severe social isolation from dropping my courses and some relationship stuff
>>Is there anything bothering you right now?
My dad is mad at me since I was pretty non conversational when I went on vacation with him, also since I haven't been myself this Christmas and it's also his birthday. Also gotta find a job again to pay the bills

Anyone got goals for New Years? I really wanna start playing piano again and maybe learn violin.

>>79873665
>Sometimes I feel I need a bf :/
What kind of things would you wanna do with him? If I had a gf I would really wanna take her skiing :> that and maybe take turns cooking and baking for each other
>>
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>>79874274
I forgot, here is my cat, I love him alot. He's fast asleep though so I'll leave him be for now.
>>
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>>79873812
Hey anon. Your really kind and compassionate.
>Try and go to pubs
Sadly I can't drink, so no pubs, even then there's none near.
>the internet apps but those are a bit off and all.
Yeah they are.

>>79874120
>Not feeling well today?
Idk, I'm feeling okay.
>put some more earthbound
That's fun! I hope you continue to enjoy it, It does seem like a cool game.
>today a little mouse ran in from the outside
Oh that's no good, I hope it didn't chew through anything.
>think it found it's way out
That's good if it did.

>>79874274
Hey dandelion :)
>Pretty good right now
I'm glad you are, that's great.
>dizzy from not eating for a couple days
Oh yeah that doesn't sound good, or safe.
>Few months ago
Good job!
>Severe social isolation from dropping my courses and some relationship stuff
Oh yeah that sounds very rough :/.
>Anyone got goals for New Years?
Not really.
>What kind of things would you wanna do with him?
I don't really know, mainly small stuff, just like cooking breakfast for him and maybe going shopping or play games and stuff.
>really wanna take her skiing :>
Ooo that's really interesting and fun, skiing is very cool.
>take turns cooking and baking for each other
That would be nice <3

>>79874285
Very cute cat, he looks so very fluffy.
>>
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>>79874274
Hello dandelion
>How is everyone doing?
I'm well I had a nice day and played earthbound
>Pretty good right now,
I'm glad to hear that
>eating for a couple days
aaa you should eat something!
>next semester of uni,
oo you go to uni? how ro you like it?
>pretty non conversational
I think h shouldn't be mad at you for that
>Also gotta find a job again
x_x
>Anyone got goals for New Years?
nope I've never done that
>piano again and maybe
those are some nice goals ^^
I hope it happens
>>79874285
ooaaa what a cutie!!
looks fluffy
>>
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>>79874407
>I'm feeling okay
I hope so :<
any plans for today?
>that's fun!
yepp it's really cool you should play it sometime
>hope it didn't chew through anything.
no worries there's not much it could destroy
Also I bought Pringles today dang these bad boys are expensive
>>
don't you feel embarrassed cutting your wrists as an adult?
>t. adult who cuts her wrists
>>
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>>79874651
>don't you feel embarrassed
personally I don't care but also I don't cut in visible spots
maybe if you can't not cut maybe you should do it in non visible spots ?
>>
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>>79874285
CUTE

whats his name hes so fluffy
>>
>>79872997
Used to cut as a cope as a teen, quit once the reality of having scars sank in. Just sliced my thumb open changing my safety razor and the pain brings me back.
>>
>>79873856
Fair enough he is properly cute. I wish i werent legally banned from having a pet they all look so cute.
>>79874120
Cats do get the mouse dont they and all. Never played earthbound but supposedly it's decent and all so thats nice.
>>79874407
Shame really. Though not being able to drink ain't all bad, prevents you from relying on it too much. Your much too kind a chap mate yourself. Hope you have a gooday and get the lad of your dreams.
>>79874285
Another proper cute cat nice little chap.
>>79874651
Eh it is, but i've done a lot worse so it doesn't matter in comparison.
>>79875051
Good for you. It is quite common to start and stop as a teenager i think. Got a larger safety net to tell you to quit causes it.
>>
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>>79874467
>I hope so :<
That's very nice of you cat.
>any plans for today?
Probably just lay in bed, may play some fallout. Do you have any plans?
>it's really cool you should play it sometime
Hmm maybe I will, I'll definitely look into it more :)
>there's not much it could destroy
That's a relief then.
>bought Pringles today dang these bad boys are expensive
Oh I haven't had them in a while, and that's crazy there getting expensive there not even that good imo.

>>79875051
That's good you stopped. Just try not to think about it too much.
>>
>>79875068
>Though not being able to drink ain't all bad
Yeah I've heard some bad experiences with it.
>Your much too kind a chap mate yourself.
That's very sweet of you.
>Hope you have a gooday
Thank you very much, and you too <3
>get the lad of your dreams
Well thanks I hope so too.
>>
hello everyone white gator here im trans btw
>>
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>>79875051
It's good you stopped anon hopefully you didn't replace it with something worse

>>79875068
>Cats do get the mouse dont
haha yeah ^^
though sadly I didn't manage to catch it because I had to go
but it found it's way out I think
>Never played earthbound
it's my first time
it was easy to set up and it's fun

>>79875078
>Probably just lay in bed,
hopefully you find someone cool stuff to watch
may play some fallout.
okay have fun
>Do you have any plans?
just watching a stream
>I'll definitely look into it
maybe you would enjoy it
>crazy there getting expensive
thay were always expensive here I buy them suuper rarely
>there not even that good imo.
true hahah
last time I ate them was like 3 years ago

>>79875138
not funny imposter anon
>>
she made it back finally, so i'm feeling better for time being even if it's a bit lonesome here now. ahh i'll keep myself busy. Just finally a bit more relaxed

>>79861721
>often have to separate from each other?
first time extended since we got together. She's pretty isolated here even from people from her country, so hangs out with me a lot lately when not busy. Still, know it's been a while for her, so glad she's getting to visit again
> skipped lunch
it's okay. Just don't let it get out of control. Skipping meals after eating a lot isn't something inherently bad, lots of healthy people do it, just need to not be combative to food overall

>>79872997
heya cat!
How are you liking eathbound?
and how far you get? :o
areas of it are very fun

>>79873609
>>79873621
>>>79873609
hi glenn's owner! hope you had a decent time at least
>my babies, i miss them so much
get to see them soon :>

>>79873665
hi gator!
how are you? Just give life time, still years ahead for lots of things

>>79873812
doing a lot better than i have been.
>shame about work being back.
yep, tell me about it :/ No office till after new year, but also kinda going stir crazy here

>>79874274
hey there!
> kinda dizzy from not eating for a couple days
that's not good. you have an eating disorder? really should not let it get that bad while taking so much caffeine
>Anyone got goals for New Years?
yours are good and reasonable. I don't like new years resolutions in the sense some people form them, but i do want to use the cold months to clean up my yard a little to potentially do some gardening come spring time. Will see how that goes.
>>
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>>79874407
Thx! My cat is indeed extraordinarily fluffy, he sheds so much hair though so cuddling with him contaminates my clothes with so much hair pic rel >.> still worth it though

>>79874447
>oo you go to uni? how ro you like it?
Its quite fulfilling, there's alot of likeminded people, I'm studying to be a physicist which has been my dream for as long as I can remember and I'm at one of the best universities for that surrounded by people who also share the same passion and are nerdy. Shame its so hard and expensive though ;-;

>>79874976
>whats his name hes so fluffy
His name is Bong-Bong. My mom named him, its a Korean name and the origin of it is basically an inside joke. He's a piece of work though, he'll meow and meow until someone cuddles with him, do that for 15 minutes and then get bored and do his own thing, repeat every 2 hours or so. He is rather needy...
>>
>>79875393
hallo
>she made it back
that's good
>finally a bit more relaxed
that's good, how's the weather there? still freezing
>How are you liking eathbound?
I like it a bunch
it's like the dream areas in omori
>and how far you get? :o
I just killed a stinky trash monster behind a waterfall :0

>>79875417
Bong-Bong sounds like a very cute boy :3
>quite fulfilling
it's nice you enjoy it hope everything goes well for you^^
>hard and expensive though ;-;
oow :<
yeah sadly that's how it is in america
>>
Going to sleep goodnight friends byee
>>
hello
where did everyone go
>>
hi everyone

I dropped a kg in the last 4 days. I skipped every meal yesterday, which I probably shouldn't have because I woke up in the middle of the night with my chest hurting. At this point it counts as a relapse when I eat normally instead of starving myself. My hair is falling out a lot more compared to when I first started recovering too :/

>>79873609
>>79873621
you got to eat some krispy kremes at least :p Your cats are also so cute and lovely :3

>>79873665
>Sometimes I feel I need a bf :/
cheering you on that you'll find the one for you one day :3

I don't even know if I have any hope finding one. My country is extremely homophobic so idk where I'm supposed to even find one :/

>>79874120
catbro finding a mouse hehe

>>79874274
>feel kinda dizzy from not eating
I feel like I'm the wrong person to tell you but please don't starve yourself :<
>prepare for the next semester of uni
>clean the house
thats pretty productive, good luck with the new semester :>

>>79875051
>Just sliced my thumb open changing my safety razor
aaaa D: Hope you patched yourself up nicely

>>79875393
>first time extended since we got together
ahh I see
>Just don't let it get out of control
erm, it got out of control :<
>>
i just cannot get over the fact of not knowing exactly what I put in my body. I even had to weigh the handful of cereal to keep myself from fainting with a scale before I ate it

but anyways I made quesadillas
>>
i've always had some difficulty explaining the feeling i have around the areas i used to cut when the urges begin to return
something has always been off, whatever words i string together fail to accurately describe it
an itch, an urge, an ache. they're close but they're just not quite there
but recently i spoke to a friend of mine about self harm, and i feel like she finally found the answer
it's as if there's a mouth which has been stitched shut, and it's trying to scream
it's like my leg is doing everything in its power to call to me, while being unable to make any noise
having someone be able to accurately describe what i've been feeling for so long felt surreal
feeling like someone truly understood, that i could relate to someone in such a unique way
it's quite strange
it's made me curious, how does it feel to you anons?
does hearing this description hit you as hard as it hit me?
>>
>How are you doing today?
Better than yesterday, but still not great. Kinda just floating along.
>Any plans for today?
Manage to get some laundry done and hopefully clean the microwave later on.
>When was the last time you hurt yourself?
About 12hrs ago.
>Why did you hurt yourself?
Because life is fleeting and it's the only thing that doesn't make me feel completely numb. Pain reminds me I'm still here.
>Is there anything bothering you right now?
Why anyone texts me or tries to reach out to me. I don't understand it. I've proven to everyone in my life that I don't deserve/want their attention, so why they keep trying to talk to me is really annoying.
>>
>>79876887
Heya! Idk if you're still around. I was watching game of thrones with my dad. It was pretty chill...just took some melatonin and gonna slowly drift off now...but not before some bedrot
>>
>>79877101
>I dropped a kg in the last 4 days. I skipped every meal yesterday, which I probably shouldn't have because I woke up in the middle of the night with my chest hurting. At this point it counts as a relapse when I eat normally instead of starving myself. My hair is falling out a lot more compared to when I first started recovering too :/
Ono...I ate some pizza today that my parents bought, it tasted good but to be honest it really didn't go down well because of all the stimulants I took. I try to force myself to eat most days but last few months I really let myself go, maybe eating half a meal every few days, do you have body dysmorphia?

>>79877101
>I don't even know if I have any hope finding one. My country is extremely homophobic so idk where I'm supposed to even find one :/
Where do you live?

>>79877101
>thats pretty productive, good luck with the new semester :>
Thx! It should be okay, the courses aren't hard but its hard to perform when your mind is falling apart
>>
>>79877850
>it's made me curious, how does it feel to you anons?
>does hearing this description hit you as hard as it hit me?
Yeah I think an itch is an accurate description, although I never cut that much I like banging my head on stuff, but yeah it feels like there's some kind tension or parasite under your head and it feels good to smash it I don't really think its good to fixate on it though
>>
>>79877850
>an itch, an urge, an ache
>call to me, while being unable to make any noise
yeah I'd say thats pretty close to how I'd describe it. My scars aren't at places that are hidden too, so everytime things go to shit its like its physically tempting me to cut

>>79877900
>About 12hrs ago.
oww :< hopefully you patched yourself up and are feeling a bit better now
>reach out to me
>I don't understand it
I... feel conflicted about this topic. I avoid a lot of people intentionally too, and sometimes I feel "maybe they do really care about me?" But at the same time theres a voice that tells me that they don't really do, that they make it appear as if they care but they know I won't mingle with them anyways. Maybe its true, maybe its not idk. I feel like a bad person for thinking this way

>>79877982
>tasted good but to be honest it really didn't go down well because of all the stimulants I took
aah that sucks, its such a shame when you know the food is good but can't enjoy it to its fullest
>body dysmorphia
I'm not sure if it counts? I wish my body could be more feminine, but I don't think I'm trans. I just want to look like a girl but I don't wanna be a girl if that makes sense? But people are pretty conservative here so I'm probably gonna be closeted for the rest of my life. I do compare my body with other people a lot though, with other girls my age more specifically
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7-U0gNleAo
>Where do you live?
southeast asia :L I'm not comfortable specifying which country exactly but the wikipedia page for LGBT rights in my country says that its "one of the most homophobic countries in the world" so there's that :/
>hard to perform when your mind is falling apart
thats true :< Hope things will get better for you soon! :3
>>
>>79878078
they weren't really too deep. kind of a stress reliever more than anything. I've cleaned and bandaged them.
>conflicted
same. I totally get this and feel these ways, too. I keep myself away from everyone because it feels like they're putting on an act to make it feel like they care, but I can't help from feeling that behind closed doors - they're talking shit on me. idk if it's the voice in my head either or if it's true, so I just stay away as best I can.
>>
>>79878078
>I... feel conflicted about this topic. I avoid a lot of people intentionally too, and sometimes I feel "maybe they do really care about me?" But at the same time theres a voice that tells me that they don't really do, that they make it appear as if they care but they know I won't mingle with them anyways. Maybe its true, maybe its not idk. I feel like a bad person for thinking this way
I think all us in ITT feel this way, sometimes I wonder if even my parents want me around, even though I have rather little evidence to support they don't. There is no logic it, idk about you but I would describe it as a very physical sensation where even in a safe environment like a social event my body feels like its screaming and wants to runaway. I don't really feel comfortable ever and even in the subway I feel like prey getting stalked, I sometimes wonder if the guy with suitcase is gonna get a bat and smash my head in even though obviously its very unlikely, but idk its just a feeling

I wish I could feel vulnerable ever ;-;
>>
>>79878078
>I'm not sure if it counts? I wish my body could be more feminine, but I don't think I'm trans. I just want to look like a girl but I don't wanna be a girl if that makes sense?
That makes perfect sense to me, your desired appearance has no bearing on your sexual orientation. Irrc correctly body dysmorphia is just being revolted bt or somehow feeling your body isn't urs. I might have body dysmorphia too but I'm straight and comfortable being a guy, I just hate my face and it doesn't feel like me but idk exactly Im not a psychologist

>>79878078
>southeast asia :L I'm not comfortable specifying which country exactly but the wikipedia page for LGBT rights in my country says that its "one of the most homophobic countries in the world" so there's that :/
Malayasia? Don't mean to pry?
You ever dream of getting out of there? Europe or Canada would be ideal but even Singapore I think is way more chill when it comes to that, don't give up anon! >.<
>>
>>79878157
>cleaned and bandaged them
good to hear :>
>idk if it's the voice in my head either or if it's true, so I just stay away as best I can
thats pretty much spot on, I don't want to risk things going wrong. So nothing can go wrong between me and people if I don't be with people around me in the first place

>>79878193
>idk its just a feeling
yeah I get what you mean. Its just tiring to feel constantly paranoid but I can't exactly control where my thoughts want to go. idk. its just really draining
>even in the subway I feel like prey getting stalked
yeah that really sucks, for me its whenever I'm eating in public I feel like I'm constantly being observed

>>79878242
>Malayasia
yep right on :L
>You ever dream of getting out of there?
sometimes yeah, but I give up hope every time I remember how expensive it is to go from here to somewhere else just because the exchange rate lol
>Singapore
yeah singapore is pretty decent, I have a few relatives working there actually. Even then Singapore is still pretty expensive to live, especially property wise. But yeah if I were to leave this place Singapore is probbaly where I would go to, since its still relatively close to home both geographically and culture wise
>>
>>79878242
>somehow feeling your body isn't urs.
hmm, then I guess maybe probably not? I don't feel like my body isn't mine, but I'm not exactly satisfied with it in a way where I can physically change it in
>it doesn't feel like me
I'm really sorry to hear that, that must be pretty tough to go through D:
>>
>>79878332
after putting some thought I think the best way to describe how I feel about my body is disconnected, like I don't know what my body looks like. Sometimes I genuinely think to myself "wow im so fucking fat" when I know for a fact that I'm OBJECTIVELY not. I know for a fact thatmy individual ribs are visible, my hip bones and collarbones are protruding, I can circle my fingers around the widest part of my arms and probably twice around my wrists. But what if? What if its not though? So I starve myself to maintain the objectivity and the certainty. At least I think its why I do it

Its almost surreal. I feels like I'm looking at a different arm compared between when I look at my actual arm and when I see it held in front of a mirror. I only noticed how bad things have gotten when I held my arm in front of the mirror and realized that its as small as it can get because the width of it was as wide as the bones inside my arms are, that it cant go any lower than that
>>
>>79878332
>So nothing can go wrong between me and people if I don't be with people around me in the first place
Good on ya. You'll always get more of what you tolerate and less of what you don't. That's why I just stay away because I can't put up with if something does go wrong or if it's all in my head. But staying away keeps whatever could happen at bay.
>Malaysia
I hope you'll find solace and safety somewhere soon.
>>
been a while hihi
hope you enjoyed christmas and are all doing well
thanks guys
>>
>staying away keeps whatever could happen at bay
true :/

>>79879111
hii! hope your christmas was nice as well :>
>>
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That guy runied my day, so probably last post until new years eve.

>>79875195
>hopefully you find someone cool stuff to watch
I watched a Scottish werewolf film called dog soldiers was pretty good.
>just watching a stream
Very nice.
>maybe you would enjoy it
I looked into it, and I do think I would like it.
>thay were always expensive here I buy them suuper rarely
Oh that sucks but smart of you.
>last time I ate them was like 3 years ago
Oh that is a very long time.

>>79875393
>hi gator!
Hi officeanon.
>how are you?
Fine.
>Just give life time, still years ahead for lots of things
Idk just hard, my life is so boring I just want something to happen now, and there are people I would date but they live far away.

>>79875417
>My cat is indeed extraordinarily fluffy
That is amazing then!
>cuddling with him contaminates my clothes with so much hair
Oh jeez and that is a lot of hair, the most cuddliest cats are also the most hairy.

>>79876887
Hey. Was someone being mean.

>>79877101
>skipped every meal yesterday
Oh that's not good at all, try to eat at least once if you can.
>cheering you on that you'll find the one for you one day :3
Thanks it means a lot.
>if I have any hope finding one
It's always possible too.
>country is extremely homophobic
Oh that's really awful then :/, sorry to hear that.
>>
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Hello everyone good morning hope you are well

>>79879111
Hey water
it's been a while, it's nice to see you^^
>hope you enjoyed christmas
you too :]
Mine was nice

>>79879825
Hey tamago

>>79880246
Hey ali very cute kitty :33
>guy runied my day,
ow :< hope you feel better soon
sending hugs
>watched a Scottish werewolf film
never heard of it
>Very nice.
yup it was entertaining
>do think I would like it.
nice :>
of your ever wanna set it up you can tell me I'll send you everything you need
>smart of you.
yep an as I'm eating them rn, they're not worth their price heh
>>
>>79880246
hey gator!

>That guy runied my day
dont let it get to you too much, people are just mean for no reason sometimes :/
>dog soldiers
beautiful name for a movie

>>79880246
>try to eat at least once if you can
I ate all three meals today :> Even if all of them were just bread with peanut butter but its progress I think
>sorry to hear that
aw dont be, ive pretty much just come to terms with it now

>>79880547
hii cat :> hope you're doing well!!
>>
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watching helluva boss instead of carrying out my responsibilities. I drew moxxie, he's adorable. I kinda messed up the proportions a little though
>>
>>79872997
been a few month since if been here or r9k in general. The depression is consuming me just one bad news after another
>>
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it's sooo foggy outside today woa
>>
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I think I might go on a little walk
>>
>>79880893
sorry to hear that things aren't going well for you :<

>>79881620
>>79881626
thats pretty cool looking :0 Enjoy your walk! :3
>>
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>>79880870
>> hope you're doing well!!
thank you :3
I played some earthbound and ate some pringles

>>79880889
oo it looks very nice you can doodle well :>

>>79880893
sorry to hear that anon
if you wanna you can tell us what's been bothering you maybe you'll feel better

>>79881643
>pretty cool looking :0
yep I don't remember the last time it was so foggy o.o
>Enjoy your walk! :3
thank you ^^
and btw how r u? still watching helluva boss??
>>
>>79881665
>earthbound and ate some pringles
sounds like fun :>
>oo it looks very nice you can doodle well :>
thankss :> I just kinda referenced it from a still image :p
>still watching helluva boss??
yep :> I did have a mental breakdown halfthrough and cried for a bit (unrelated to the show itself) but I'm on season 2 now
>>
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>>79881731
>sounds like fun :>
yep it's been a good day :D
>kinda referenced it from a still image :p
that's completely okay I think
>did have a mental breakdown
sending big hug :<
>but I'm on season 2 now
nice how do you like it ?
>>
>>79882032
>sending big hug :<
thanks <3
>how do you like it ?
I like it quite a bit :> its pretty light hearted most of the time but sometimes it does go into more serious themes which I reall like. Also the music is really damn good

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QzpUUptqWhs
>>
>>79881643
for now it will only get worse my dad has cancer gotta be there for him
>>
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>>79872997
>How are you doing today?
Recovering. Worked most of the week. Didn't get off Christmas. Kids are wild this time of year.
>Any plans for today?
Writing some myth ideas. Listening to a history podcast.
>Is there anything bothering you right now?
Some failed plans of the year, but not that bad.
>>
/cat/ needs to submit.
>>
>>79882121
Post your feminine bussy :3
>>
Forgiveness.... is a rather powerful thing
i am not sure if it is out of pitty or just for the better, but whatever it is, the intended result came out, making it a success
of course there are unforgiveable acts, but those that are more minor, why not forgive ?

even though im not that familiar with my own religion, i find that a lot of the more well known aspects of christianity not only have actual real world uses but are also for the better
jesus forgave those who crucified him did he not? we are no saints by any means but the meaning, at least in my little understanding of it, is that forgiveness is good thing

from personal experience i can testify that holding a grudge against someone, ESPECIALLY when they at least seem to be sorry about what they did, does nothing but harm the both of you, you, as the harmed, need to move on sooner or later and forgiving that person is the way, as for the person that harmed you, if they seem to be truly sorry about it then they are just as tormented by that action as you are, why not lessen the pain for both of you?

of course those that arent sorry can fuck right off, im no saint and i doubt you are one either, but, if you manage to forgive even those people and move on, then thats a great thing for you

i just really hope that be it pitty or understanding, in the future i will be proven right to forgive instead of proven wrong, and by proven wrong i mean i should have never forgave

i forgot to come back to the previous thread, got busy, came here to say hi but instead felt compelled to write about this
thinking, maybe someone could make use of my experience or my view of it
feel free to ignore but i felt i had to write this
hope everyone is doing well, had a nice christmas, will have a nice new years
above all i hope everyone will have good health

https://youtu.be/UdPOCQGYwrk

>>79873609
im glad you are still here <3
>>
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>>79882121
>thanks <3
yure welcome friend^^
>I like it quite a bit :>
that's nice, glad you found something you enjoy :D

>>79883029
Hello
>most of the week
sounds tough
>Writing some myth ideas. Listening to
sounds like a chill day :]
>but not that bad.
that's good

>>79883349
Hi :>
Hope you're doing well
>>
bumppage eight
>>
I dont remember how long its been since my last post, time is different now
Feels like a week or so
Probably like a month
--

I am alone in a world of putritity and dissapointment
There is no comfort for me
Neither in good moments nor in the bad ones
Sober or high i search for something or someone to bring me comfort to no avail, a Excercise in futility.
No one to hold
No one to comfort
No one to love or care for
I slog alone Through this agonizing mess of Black mass that is my percievable reality until it cuts to Black

Everythings vauge and far away to me
My whole lifes Just a symptom

I pray that there will be a grain of comfort, a slither of positive chemicals, emotions or feelings after my untimely demise. But thats probably false hope.

I am not a human, rather a vile singulairy of a different lower kind.
I dont feel human
An alien a different breed, a plebian, a mongral a scoundral, a rat, a leech, a dog, a retard, a failure, a junkie, a nothing.

I am nothing and into nothing ill return. Hopefully i dont have to wait that long
Because every second alive feels like death
Cognitively i am a ball of pure self hatred

No affection
No love
No pshyical touch
No comforting words

A dog, a junkie, a failure.

And im sorry, for not checking up to the only People Who might give a single grain of fuck about me, failing you guys and cementing myself further as a putrid incapable subhuman
Im sorry for dumping all this shit on you
Im sorry that im like this
Sorry that im a bad friend

Ho ho ho Merry chirstmas.
>>
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>>79885050
Hey sludge
how's it going? I assume not too well
>sorry, for not checking up
it's okay^^
you're busy and struggling ad you're not obligated to be here though it's nice when you visit, at least you're here now :>
>>
hi good morning going to attempt eating at least 3 meals today
>>
>>79886219
also I forgot my name woopsie
>>
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>>79886219
Hey tamago C:
best of luck fren
any weekend plans?
>>
>>79886318
procrastinate more maybe and face the consequences of me doing so and confirm the fact that I am being a burden
>>
bump

and sorry for being dramatic
>>
i hate that ocassional wave of guilt and self hatred, then i have to sit down on the floor for a bit and stare at nothing until i snap out of it
>>
another bump

i did aboslutely nothing in between this reply and the last
>>
>>79885531
Objectively speaking things are going allright
But the feelings dont go away
Ned more hours need to work harder

But other then work i dont have a life
Still no significant other or friends or hobbies or talents
So i fill the empty space with work
But i still feel empty at the end of the day

I want to check up here more but days hours weeks all blend together and ive got little to say besides i want to Hurt myself and that makes me feel like such a rat, a shiity person a shit friend and a shit human being
But i also dont want to be negatieve all the time.

I guess i Just could't hold it in anymore yesterday, liying alone in the dark at the end of the day every day

Hate that im like this even when things are going objectively better
I Just dont post that much anymore because im tired times a blurr and the timer and shit

Almost completely sober (besideds Cigs and alc) still feel like shit, sorry
>>
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I wasn't gonna post but it's a slow thread so eh. I'm sick so I feel horrible, I also ate basically nothing today :/. I'm also probably gonna sleep now.

>>79880547
>Hey ali very cute kitty :33
He very much so is.
>hope you feel better soon sending hugs
Thank you very much it genuinely means a lot.
>never heard of it
It's a low budget film, I only watched it cause a friend suggested it.
>yup it was entertaining
I'm glad :)
>your ever wanna set it up you can tell me I'll send you everything you need
Sure thing, does sound very cool.
>yep an as I'm eating them rn, they're not worth their price heh
Oh hehe, they do kinda taste very cheap but they ain't.

>>79880870
>hey gator!
Hai tamago :)
>people are just mean for no reason sometimes :/
I guess, those kinda things just really effect me.
>beautiful name for a movie
It is.
>I ate all three meals today :>
Very good job! I'm proud.
>Even if all of them were just bread with peanut butter
That's still really good, and starting to eat 3 meals, is really good and smart.
>ive pretty much just come to terms with it now
That still a shame, you deserve to love without fear of anything.

>>79880889
Beautiful.

>>79881620
>>79881626
That does look really nice.

>>79883349
I would generally agree forgiving people is good if there genuinely sorry, I would say it's different with parents though, the only thing there supposed to do is care and do what's best for the child cause if they don't they may ruin the childs life.

>>79885050
Hey good to see ya.
I hope you feel better, sorry for giving such a boring reply I just too sleepy.
>>
just leaving a bump
>>
>>79889733
>I'm sick so I feel horrible
oww im really sorry to hear you're sick :< I really hope you get well soon :>
>I also ate basically nothing today :/
aaa thats not good to hear D: hopefully you'll feel better tomorrow and can treat yourself to something comfy
>you deserve to love without fear of anything.
thats would be nice :> but I dont think im worthy of love anyways so I guess it doesnt change much
>Beautiful.
thanks :>> I think I will probbaly draw stolas when i get the time, he's my favorite character after catching up with everything. He has the best songs too <3
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rATbtwj1qls
>>
how tf is this thread friendly and not hijacked with people saying nigger or worshipping bbc
>>
hey everyone! sorry for being absent for a while. my phone bricked and it took me some time to muster the energy to set up my new one, but i think i'm finally back now. sadly, i lost most of my diy/yua pics in that incident, so it will take me some time to rebuild that collection. anyway, hope that you all had some nice holidays and that everyone is looking forward to the new year. (^-^)
>>
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Hello everyone hope you're well
How was your day today?

>>7988683
Hwllo tamago
>the consequences
hopefully nothing too bad happens
you're not a burden fren :<

>>79889274
yes should at least watch something :>

>>79889423
Hey
>things are going allright
at least that's fine
>tired times a blurr and the timer
sorry to hear that, it's tiriring and then you're too tired to do anything that could is some way make it better
>sorry
it's okay
good work on staying mostly sober :D

>>79889733
Hey ali
>I'm sick
damn it, hope you get well soon
get somewhere warm and just relax and eat something warm
>Thank you very much
you are welcome fren
>only watched it cause a friend suggested it.
it's not a fren recommend you a movie
>do kinda taste very cheap but they ain't.
yes that's it lol ^^

>>79890447
magic :0

>>79890743
Hey yuanon
it's lovely to see you :>
how was your day today??
>>
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I hope everyone on /cut/ had a good holiday season.
I spent a week at my mother's house. I spent my Christmas eve night by cleaning the house but I started feeling sick halfway through.
I turned up with a stomach bug and didn't come downstairs to see the kids open their presents. They understood, though. My niece and nephews are practically my adopted children.

I was fine the following day. The more I stay at my mother's house the more I don't want to leave, but I know I'm not ready to move back in.

As we head into the new year I can't help but wonder what lies in store for my family, especially my mother who is soon to turn 60.
Obviously I hope for the best, but the best can only last for so long.


Anyways, my New Year's resolutions are self improvement and to study the world around me.

What are your resolutions, /cutters/?
>>
>>79890447
i don't know. we tend to simply ignore the trolls, which seems to do the trick. not always, but most of the time. best to hide any thread or post you don't like and go on with your life. it's not worth it to get overly invested in that culture war shitflinging.

>>79891194
hey catbro! it's good to be back. i missed you guys.

>how was your day today??
kinda boring. i'm just trying to get over my cold for the new year's party, so i'm not doing much. well, it's more of a get-together than a party, but i'd hate to spread that cold there. just watching some tv and working on a puzzle i got for christmas. what about you?

>>79891802
hi bibi! always good to see you!

>I hope everyone on /cut/ had a good holiday season.
thanks. except for my cold, it was really nice. played some board games with the family for the most of it. got the old baldur's gate dark alliance game for ps4, so i could play it with my brother. it was the first game we with the ps2 for christmas back in the day. he had the same idea and played it on the original hardware a few days prior. ^^ too bad you had to stay in bed, but at least it was just for the evening.

>my New Year's resolutions are self improvement and to study the world around me. What are your resolutions, /cutters/?
self improvement is on the top of my list, i think. especially eating less crap. maybe i'll get a book on nordic cooking. that could help to get some motivation in that regard. maybe we can help each other to keep up with them.
>>
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The new year is approaching. It's always curious to look back at the year and see how I've changed and grown as a person. I try to look forward, too, to see the room I still have to grow and keep working on things internally. I'm definitely looking forward to working on my medication list and adjusting them with my new provider in the new year. I'm also looking forward to a few new approaches with my counselor.
I injured myself moderately a few days ago. The wounds are healing well and I'm taking care of them. I feel somewhat embarrassed, but this is just where I'm at right now. I can't beat myself up over it, all I can do is try my best in the future.
>>
>>79892058
i have that poster up in my room with 3 other of his art
artist with shizophrenia and his work became more and more abstract when it got worse

>>79891194
>at least that's fine
better then they used to be atleast

>sorry to hear that, it's tiriring and then you're too tired to do anything that could is some way make it better
idk, things are going better for the most partt but i still feel empty

>it's okay
>good work on staying mostly sober :D
yeah im practically sober except for 1 front,if i can kick this NEP habbit/addiction ill be sober (except for the normal stuff)


___
felt empty today, stole 1 of picrel from work but it didnt make me feel anything, pretty tasty i guess.

then i was biking home from work and a car took a turn when he should have let me pass and i didnt see him
pulled on my brake and softly bumped into the car

then he stopped and wanted to get out but i fucking booked it, before he could get out i was 2 streets away and i saw him going in my direction but i was looooong gone

and i know im a shit person for this but
that gave me such a incredible adrenaline and dopamine rush. when i got home i was audible laughing for the first time in like 2 months
for some reason that was so much fucking fun for me
goddamn im such a shitty person

but yeah, other then that same old same old
dont want to keep posting negative shit all the time so these days i hold it in more
also im just a boring guy, except for the negative stuff not much goes on in my life

guess im kinda afraid, that i dont work hard enough or never be a real man or that im a bad friend and shit person. im afraid that ill never really feel anything or that no one will ever desire me romantically, that ill always be a retarded junkie

//but why would i want a thing like that
and the reason?
there is no reason
who needs reasons when youve got heroin//
>>
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>>79892253
>art became more and more abstract
He was drawing his classical-style art as well as his new abstract kaleidoscopic pieces at the same time. He was still able to draw in his old style throughout his life, his surviving family actually try to fight against that myth. I do love his art as well, and have a poster of the earlier piece I posted. It's very accurate to the kaleidoscopic distortions one experiences when they experience psychosis phenomena.
>>
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>>79892253
forgot pic

>>79892319
yeah i remember reading something like that
bit drunk so my memory is a bit hazy but i really liked his most abstract pieces later on in his life since i was really into psychedelics
>>
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>>79892394
I saw his art in a psychology book that was on my parent's shelf as a child. I later recalled it when I received my schizophrenia diagnosis, and went to read more about him and his artwork. I'm a visual artist, myself. I haven't drawn since I've been successfully medicated, which is a pity. Maybe one day. I wouldn't trade drawing again for the severity things I used to experience.
>>
>>79892418
can you describe what it was like? being schizophrenic?
you seem like a smart person, or rather above my intelligence level

ive experienced stimulant induced delirium and psychosis so i guess im wandering how it compares
>>
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>>79892446
Not "was" like, I'm still schizophrenic. Being successfully medicated for me just means the phenomena are lessened. Most schizophrenics don't achieve a full return to "normie" status after their first break. My breaks were many and for years without treatment, which I am told is likely why meds work so little for me, the unmitigated psychosis damaged my brain so I can't shut these extrasensory perceptions off like some few lucky people can with meds. I still hear and interact with entities I call Spirits all throughout my day, I still experience out of body experiences and other phenomena like "shadow people" (and animals) regularly. If you'd like a good example of my daily experiences I would suggest the game Hellblade 2, or just watching a good ten minutes of the opening: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jHZEf4xLjo The game is meant to simulate the main character's lived experiences of psychosis. Her "Furies" (the two female Spirits that talk to her and are always with her) behave much like the Spirits that I perceive. The game was made with input from specialists in the areas of schizophrenia and psychosis to accurately depict symptoms. Obviously it's set in the Viking age so that's not applicable to me.
If you have more curiosity about schizophrenia there are lots of good resources online about it. One of the easiest most clarifying things are the diagnostic criteria which tell you what exactly are considered diagnostic signs and how many and in what combination and expression they have to be in to be considered schizophrenia.
>>
>>79892058
i try to avoid looking back too much, but i hope it'll be a positive experience for you. overall it sounds like you've found a very balanced way to assess where you currently stand. maybe i can learn a thing or two from you in that regard.

>>79892253
hi sludge! long time no see. :> did you have some nice holidays?

>yeah im practically sober
good job, dude! :D

>stole 1 of picrel from work but it didnt make me feel anything, pretty tasty i guess.
don't know what you got, but it's probably accounted for that employees take some stuff anyway. ^^

>pulled on my brake and softly bumped into the car
it happens. not sure why people get so agitated over stuff like that. at least you got a new story to tell.

>im just a boring guy, except for the negative stuff not much goes on in my life
same, but i don't think that's a bad thing. i enjoy boring and predictable way more than exciting at this point. then again, maybe that's an age thing. ^^'

>guess im kinda afraid
we all are more or less afraid of the things you mentioned, i think, but i can tell you that you're not a bad friend. if you'd be one you wouldn't care how people feel about you dumping negativity on them, but you do, so don't worry. as to be a "real man", only thing i can tell you is that i thought about it before, realized that i'll never be able to live up to what society defines to be "a man", so i decided to not even bother. up to you, though. like most things.
>>
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>>79891802
Heya bib :D
>everyone on /cut/ had a good holiday season.
Thank you, It was nie :>
>stomach bug
noo :<
that's the worst
>was fine the following day.
phew
>especially my mother who is soon to turn 60.
she'll probably be fine for the next at least 10-15 years
Good luck on your bew years resolutions :3
>What are your resolutions, /cutters/?
hm idk I never had any

>>79891967
Eyo :3
>missed you guys.
same
>kinda boring
that's okay
I spent today on watching youtube and playing earthbound, also I'm thinking about buying a bmx

>>79892058
Hello :D
>wounds are healing well and I'm taking care of
That's all that matters ^^
best of luck on your new year plans

>>79892253
>things are going better for the most partt but i still feel empty
I really wonder what you could do to feel better
>NEP habbit/addiction ill be sober
good luck ^^
>stole 1 of picrel
ehehe >:3 no ones going to notice anyway
>know im a shit person for
I don't think you should see it that way
being mischievous like that is really fun
>>
>>79892758
>I spent today on watching youtube and playing earthbound
watched anything interesting? and how's the game?

>also I'm thinking about buying a bmx
oh. that's very different from the biking you usually do, isn't it? how come? do you already have a bike in mind?
>>
>>79892598
>Not "was" like, I'm still schizophrenic.
meant how was it at its worst


> I still hear and interact with entities I call Spirits all throughout my day, I still experience out of body experiences and other phenomena like "shadow people" (and animals) regularly

can relate, sounds simulair enough with my experiences with psychosis and delirium allthough drug induced it sounds simulair most probable less worse though
not animals or humans in my case mostly bugs or shadow figures spiders cockroaches quick flashes in my face or shadow patrens in the corners of my vision feeling them crawl on me and seeing my walls or objects warping like on pshycs
also auditory hallucinations


did it to myself and got what i deserved


>One of the easiest most clarifying things are the diagnostic criteria which tell you what exactly are considered diagnostic signs

never found a reason to put a label on what i have, doesnt make it any easier and dont like goverment workers
but can see that with shizophrenia its different, because you need that help to get to a minimal baseline level of functionality not only to work and be independent but to actually live a coherent and relatively (as close as we can get) //normal// and functional life
>>
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>>79893107
>watched anything interesting?
yes :D
clicked on this video and wasn't prepared for it to be this well made
https://youtu.be/jqTEvS0d_Co?si=qvsdYx0B6gMN2bFQ
>and how's the game?
I'm enjoying it :3
but I noticed a can't play games for long, I gotta take breaks after like an hour or an hour and a half
>>
>>79893317
>never found a reason to put a label on what i have
also because im (on paper) functional, or functional enough. so it doesnt make sense to pay money to define exactly whats wrong with me if i am able to be a functional (albeit self destruuctive) worker ant
>>
>>79893347
>clicked on this video and wasn't prepared for it to be this well made
looks interesting. i'll watch it in bed later.

>I'm enjoying it :3
awesome. :D what's your favorite part so far?

>I noticed a can't play games for long, I gotta take breaks after like an hour or an hour and a half
is it a physical or a mental thing? in the end it doesn't really matter. just take as many breaks as you need. i can play for a long time, but i feel like that's because i don't play a lot in general.
>>
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>>79872997
hey guys how are you all doing. i went out shopping today and had starbucks for the first time ever in my life, its pretty overrated desu. i will probably spend new years eve alone, because im pretty much drained mentally already i think. i still didn't throw away my razors yet. i should do that soon, but part of me wants to keep them. idk why. i've been struggling to find the motivation to keep going again, but im not ready to give up yet. anyways just been really drained socially, yet everyone around me is blaming me that i should put myself out there more and be more social and stuff. guess we can never win
>>
>>79892655
>did you have some nice holidays?
it is what it is man, i dislike them. its awkward having to pretent to be normal so i just mostly worked

hope yours was good though

>good job, dude! :D
desu never thought i would get to this point but here we are, problem is i still dont really feel much of anything.
also my NEP habbit isnt a minor thing its still a pretty big thing and im trying to quit solo seshes but its hard
thats the next step though, if i can quit solo seshes then i can just do it recreationally and socially

like ive said: im not fucked up because i do drugs, i do drugs because im fucked up.

>don't know what you got,
its >>79892394

>t, but it's probably accounted for that employees take some stuff anyway. ^^
idk nobody really gives a fuck. dont even know why i did it, thought it would make me feel something but it didnt
got some fuel for my vices out of it though

>at least you got a new story to tell.
eh it was mainly just me being a dickhead and getting a rush out of it. car didnt even had a scratch from what i saw though

>me, but i don't think that's a bad thing. i enjoy boring and predictable way more than exciting at this point. then again, maybe that's an age thing. ^^'
probably but i just dont do anything man. its work school work more work drugs fill the empty time work work drugs school work
like idk, i feel unforfilled. im not really good at anything and even when im doing right i still feel bad

people my age party and such do things have relationships and friendships
im lifelong isolated autist workalcoholic drug addict
i just feel like a alien man. wish i was normal

>, only thing i can tell you is that i thought about it before, realized that i'll never be able to live up to what society defines to be "a man", so i decided to not even bother.
i dont know man, i dont know a lotta things. im just scared ill never have romantic human connection like others
1/2
>>
>>79893917
>i dont know man, i dont know a lotta things. im just scared ill never have romantic human connection like others
and thats just what i want and what ive always lacked human connection and understanding

the thing i want the most, the one thing i yearn for i crave with every cell every atom of my being is genuine human love
but theres no really any reason to love me
it just seems hopeless man
>>
but anyways
in february ill be legally able to buy alcohol and cigs in my country after that my back account also becomes private and i can use darknet markets as i wish. and set up a PO box
ive been waiting for that for some time now but idk how its gonna be.
it might be a door i cant close

even with alcohol, i dont know how its gonna go
because when i feel bad i say //fuck it i dont care//
and thats when bad things happen
and i feel bad a lot

aughgrienkosdlmc
im fucking sorry for dumping all this shit at once im fucking slightly drunk and a bit high and idk

im hurting myself less though, i dont cut myself anymore. i do still burn myself pretty frequently

i dont know man i shouldnt be saying all this shit but it just needs to be out of my head
i apologize im a fucking mess man
>>
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>>79893713
>i'll watch it in bed later.
oky
>what's your favorite part so far?
don't have one so far
the game is very similar just the way areas look changes, I didn't encounter any big story changes that would make some moments especially memorable, besides that beginning
>is it a physical or a mental thing?
mental
it does get a bit physically uncomfortable but what I'm for example mapping I can just sit in place for 3-4 hours ez
hey, dis I ask about your evening?
how is it?
oh yeah you're working in a puzzle! what puzzle is that?? o.o

>>79893823
Hello
I'm doing as always, okay
>spend new years eve alone, because im pretty much drained mentally already i
that's completely okay, I'm gonna be spending it alone too
>didn't throw away my razors yet
yeah it is what it is
I have mine too I wonder if I still can just hurt myself and not care or is that self preservation instinct back I kind wanna test it sometimes
But you should just toss them in the bin now
>struggling to find the motivatio
it's always ups and downs it'll never be good forever, but if it's bad now at least you now it can only get better :3
just say patient
>put myself out there more
it's annoying but it's because they just can't understand you

>>79894000
>just needs to be out of my head
It's okay fren ^^
it's good you have a space to dupm all that ok out, hopefully it'll help you feel better
just don't say stuff that could get you in prison or personal information
>>
hi woke up
>>
>>79894056
>It's okay fren ^^
it's good you have a space to dupm all that ok out, hopefully it'll help you feel better
it does but i hate to dump it here, i dont always want to be the negative guy you know, i truely dont like being negative but idk man

augh im more then slightly drunk man im sorry

just don't say stuff that could get you in prison or personal information
nah i wont im drunk and high not insane, but yeah ive used darknet markets before and know how to nevigate them so in februaraly essentially all doors open for me and i dont know if thats a good thing man.

im not gonna lie man, i wont search out substances like methampetamine or heroin oxycodine 4-mmc coke
but if i was offered a hit of meth or heroin honestly id take it
id take that shit no doubt

so when i become responsable for myself i may destroy myself way faster
idk, you probably know what i mean man.
its just how i deal with my thoughts but im just a regulair normal day motherfucker

fuck man im getting pretty drunk i might need to stop posting before i say shit i regret

just know man, every one of you. i may post less vut i still think about you guys and i still care
because youguys are real, genuine and i can be real as well and i dont have that anywherre else
so you know, im a mess man idk but i care
i care
>>
>>79894084
good morning, tamtam! hope you'll have a great week!
>>
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>>79872997
hello I want a cutter e-gf, is that ok? how do I approach a girl online to show me pictures of her wrists without being weird?
I'm not even a psychopath or abuser myself, I just have a morbid fascination I think.
>>
>>79894211
hey yua :>

i thihnk im spiraling down :<
>>
I got Medicaid prescription glasses
Wanna buy some Lortab? Five bucks a piece
The doctor gave em to me when I lost my wisdom teeth
A leader will deceive you every time you hear em speak
And keep you in the gutter, Ive been starving for a week
So listen to my story if youve got the time
Hey, and by the way, brother, can you spare a dime?

I lament the times of days long past
It was all good, but the world moves so fast
And now it drags on, and when the luxuries are all gone
Are you able to deliver when youre called upon?
It seems weve got to settle and live with what weve got
Even when youre living out of a car in a parking lot
Or crashing on a couch through the kindness of a friend
It seems ridiculous to sit through this and still pretend
That we live the dream, that we're making cream
But on a closer look, what you see aint what it seems
Cause in reality, we're barely able to get by
And if you let it, they can keep you there until you die
Yet its worth a try, and if you make the mark
But if you miss it, then you're back to living in the dark
Without the cash to put a bulb in the socket
Get a loan from a drone, now you're back in their pocket

My expense is low, but the price is high
And though I'm working hard, its getting harder to get by
Living modestly, delegating every cent
And still a match to scratch the cash enough to pay for rent
Despite the aggravation, you set a destination
So now its back to school to try and get an education
I could study hard, but what do I see?
A hundred fifty bucks a textbook, youve got to be kidding me
>>
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>>79894084
Hey tamago
how's it going :3
good morning ^^

>>79894220
that is wierd and you are wierd
go away anon
>>
>>79893823
hi chev! :D

>its pretty overrated desu.
be careful. there might be traces of coffee in all that sugar, artificial flavours and preservatives. :p maybe check if there's a non-brand coffee vendor. you can get something similar if not better for a lot less. at least that's my experience, but i'm lucky and a shop like that opened on my route to work.

>i will probably spend new years eve alone, because im pretty much drained mentally already i think.
that's ok. the holidays can be very draining. just make sure to check the thread so we can wish you a happy new year.

>>79893917
>i dislike them. its awkward having to pretent to be normal so i just mostly worked hope yours was good though
thanks. it was. :> though i think it's precisely because we don't have to pretend anything. we're just hanging out with more decoration than usual.

>i still dont really feel much of anything.
hm. maybe you're too fixated on feeling and experiencing stuff? any day where i don't feel anything in particular is usually one of the better ones. ^^'

>its hard thats the next step though, if i can quit solo seshes then i can just do it recreationally and socially
you've come this far, so i'm sure you'll be able to get there eventually. (*^*)9 just take it day by day, one step at a time. i'm proud of you.

>im not fucked up because i do drugs, i do drugs because im fucked up.
you've had hard times in your life as well. it's good to take responsibility, but not everything is your fault or in your control.

>its >>79892394
i see. i helped myself to some ice cream and red bull cola before, but my boss told me it's ok if i take some stuff, so i guess it doesn't really count. honestly, stealing stuff just isn't in my programing. i don't see the point. if i don't want to pay for something, i usually don't actually need or want the thing in the first place.
>>
>>79894452
because we don't have to pretend anything. we're just hanging out with more decoration than usual.
hope i can get to that point someday, just too young for that shit rn
its just akward as fuck man, eating dinner in mostly silence

>hm. maybe you're too fixated on feeling and experiencing stuff? any day where i don't feel anything in particular is usually one of the better ones. ^^'
idk its not really a fixation i just dont really feel that much and if i do its mostly negative

>you've come this far, so i'm sure you'll be able to get there eventually. (*^*)9 just take it day by day, one step at a time.
it comes with maturing i guess, compaired to how it used to be its suprising that ive come to this point and not gotten worse
but you know not getting worse is also a active thing that i need to keep up, makes it hard to get better on top of that. its a constant thing that you need to keep up


>i'm proud of you.
thanks man, idk if its becamse im drunk but those words fucking hit me man, i havent heard that in a loooooooong ass time
thank you man
fuck me man thanks

>you've had hard times in your life as well. it's good to take responsibility, but not everything is your fault or in your control.
still man i chose these vices and im the one that made those mistakes
a lot of the time i just feel like a total fuck up man

> stealing stuff just isn't in my programing. i don't see the point. if i don't want to pay for something, i usually don't actually need or want the thing in the first place.
honestly same, idk why i did it, i just wanted to feel something i guess. and its not like im allowed to buy that shit yet so i just did it. with total apathy
honestly i couldve gotten into major shit if i got caught
>>
>>79894178
>im not gonna lie man, i wont search out substances like methampetamine or heroin oxycodine 4-mmc coke
but if i was offered a hit of meth or heroin honestly id take it
id take that shit no doubt

partial lie, i would seek out coke 4mmc or oxy or amphetamine or dextroamphetamine so you know whatever just to be honest
coz im just a fucking hedonistic junkie man

but i wont for the forseeable future
last post allright i promise ive already said way too much but whatever man when im drunk i dont care about anything

wish i could go for a walk but im supposed to be asleep and people are home wish i could live on my own
eh i might sneak out if it gets late late but i cant risk getting caught

my folks think ive been sober for more then 6 months and i havent been caught with drugs or high for over a year so that would be a huge risk
i do care for my family but i wish i lived alone, would be a lot more peacefull. fuck this economy man

allright ill just drink one more then ill cut it out, also probably gonna be my last post since you know, might say some shit i aint supposed to say
>>
>>79893917
>it was mainly just me being a dickhead and getting a rush out of it. car didnt even had a scratch from what i saw though
best outcome. you got something out of your systen without causing any real trouble. win-win.

>i just dont do anything man.
>like idk, i feel unforfilled. im not really good at anything and even when im doing right i still feel bad
pretty much how i feel as well, but i don't know if that's just us. i notice a general societal fatigue. the system is straining and the people holding it together are getting tired of it, especially if they don't get support or at least recognition for it.

>people my age party and such do things have relationships and friendships
that's just the people you see on social media. there are way more people like us these days. juice is just don't worth the squeeze amymore.

>im lifelong isolated autist workalcoholic drug addict i just feel like a alien man. wish i was normal
i think normal people are all of those things. they just aren't aware of it. ignorance being bliss and all that.

>im just scared ill never have romantic human connection like others
same, but i'm pretty much a confirmed bachelor at this point. i don't know, if i'm afraid of getting hurt or just to ashamed of myself, but avoiding it is just way easier, though it's depriving me of the only thing i still want.

>but theres no really any reason to love me it just seems hopeless man
i want to tell you that it isn't and that you'll find someone eventually, but i'm in the same boat as you. i can only ask of you to not give up and still try. i really am rooting for you.

>>79894000
why not get into wargaming or trading cards as a hobby! :D takes a lot of time and is expensive, but at least you could socialize with some nerds that way and you'd have less time and money for other stuff. last time i was in my local nerd store someone literally said "at least it prevented me from spending money on hard drugs".
>>
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going to sleep

>>79894178
>it does but i hate to dump it here
I can't help the way you feel
but just know that we don't mind
>im more then slightly drunk
maybe you should take a nap?
>still think about you guys and i still care
that it very sweet of you
thank you, I appreciate it a lot

>>79893713
>>79894056
also forgot to say here
I thought about watching trainspotting today but I'll watch it tomorrow
>>
>>79894056
>don't have one so far
fair enough. music stood out to me for some reason.

>mental
makes sense. sometimes i just need to pause, get up and start pacing around in my room, thinking about whatever i played or watched. always takes me a bit before i can get back to whatever i was doing at the time.

>how is it?
at this point i'm in bed. just posting here. before i watched some rerun of a show on tv. wasn't sure if i saw it before, but i started remembering while i was watching.

>oh yeah you're working in a puzzle! what puzzle is that?? o.o
just some jigsaw puzzle with a shitty ai-generated winter scenery. it's 1000 pieces though and there's some very difficult areas, so it will probably take me some time to finish. you still up to anything?

>>79894270
>i thihnk im spiraling down :<
oh no... what's going on with you?

>>79894703
>going to sleep
good night, sleep tight and see you tomorrow!
>>
>>79894648
>. you got something out of your systen without causing any real trouble. win-win.
true ig, im already over it man i dont really care

>i notice a general societal fatigue. the system is straining and the people holding it together are getting tired of it, especially if they don't get support or at least recognition for it.
true but i dont think the system is gonna collapse nor do i think any significant change to socitety is gonna happen anytime soon
im just waiting for the generation that holds all the properties to die off so that housing can become afforable again
but yeah people do seem generally more miserable then before

>a. there are way more people like us these days. juice is just don't worth the squeeze amymore.
idk man most people my age at work are like that, and i dont really see people that seem like me or us. yeah everyone got their own shit to deal with but when i compair myself to other real life people i dont resonate with them one bit

>i think normal people are all of those things. they just aren't aware of it. ignorance being bliss and all that.
maybe but i dont think to the extreme like me or us
just feel so much more fucked up then others
and i dont think self harming and drug addiction are things normal people do/are

>. i don't know, if i'm afraid of getting hurt or just to ashamed of myself, but avoiding it is just way easier, though it's depriving me of the only thing i still want.
nailed it, not cofident enough to approach girls, i feel like id just be a bother because im not that good looking and i dont want to bother them at concerts and such

>i want to tell you that it isn't and that you'll find someone eventually, but i'm in the same boat as you. i can only ask of you to not give up and still try. i really am rooting for you.
im rooting for you too man, i guess well see, still young as fuck man so theres that
>>
>>79894815
>why not get into wargaming or trading cards as a hobby! :D takes a lot of time and is expensive, but at least you could socialize with some nerds that way and you'd have less time and money for other stuff. last time i was in my local nerd store someone literally said "at least it prevented me from spending money on hard drugs".

idk, everytime i try something creative i get frustrated that everything i make is shit and give up. but yeah i should probably find a real hobby other then drugs work or video games
on the other side though i feel like it would just go to waste because when i come home from work i just dont want to do anything at all, especially something im really really bad at. but im gonna look into it
have looked into minis before but fuck me man they are expensive, but i guess its better then drugs.

but im also trying to save most of my money
im gonna grind this job until i have about 10k in savings, at this rate thats late next year and then ask for a permanent contract. so i also dont want to spend too much

>>79894703
>I can't help the way you feel
but just know that we don't mind
eh talking about it makes it better and thats more then i could ever ask for
im just thankfull i have a place where i can say whats on my mind without judgement and get advice

it really does help you know
really

>maybe you should take a nap?
well im kinda also on some NEP rn so thats not gonna happen for a while
after this post gonna drink last can do my last line then take some benzos and sleep since ive only got evening shift tommorow

>that it very sweet of you
thank you, I appreciate it a lot
i dont want to sound all fucking honey glazing and shit but talking with you guys really does make it better man honestly thanks for putting up with my bs

>watching trainspotting
also need to watch that sometime
gonna watch the new dexter show first though
>>
>>79894579
>hope i can get to that point someday, just too young for that shit rn its just akward as fuck man, eating dinner in mostly silence
i understand that it's not possible for every family to be like that. not that we're some sort of ideal family, but we went on christmas vacation last year we had some of my friends with us and my friend's girlfriend (i need another way to refer to her, but i can't think of anything) did ask my mother if we'd go there this year as well and invited herself to our usual new year's party when she learned that we wouldn't. guess we're doing something right. not sure where i was going with this, but maybe that family is something you choose. sometimes it's relatives, sometimes it's not and sometimes you just need some distance before you can get closer again. give it some time.

>i just dont really feel that much
i think that's normal and being able to tolerate it is considered normal. less so in this day and age of instant gratification, but still, you're on to something there.

>not getting worse is also a active thing that i need to keep up, makes it hard to get better on top of that. its a constant thing that you need to keep up
you need to run as fast as you can to stay where you are.

>thanks man, idk if its becamse im drunk but those words fucking hit me man
it's ok. you deserve it. you've got this.

>a lot of the time i just feel like a total fuck up man
i know. i do, too, but it's not helpful and something that is used to push you in certain directions. maybe you can use it as motivation to get better.

>i just wanted to feel something i guess. and its not like im allowed to buy that shit yet so i just did it. with total apathy
you disregarded a rule that you don't see as beneficial for yourself. everyone does it to a certain degree. i usually don't jaywalk, but for some reason they doubled the time that some traffic lights are red for pedestrians in the city where my friends live, so i do when i'm there.
>>
>>79894579
>i couldve gotten into major shit if i got caught
just consider yourself lucky, enjoy your drink and be done with it. that stuff really isn't worth getting in trouble over it.

>>79894815
>im already over it man i dont really care
that's the spirit. ^^

>i dont think the system is gonna collapse nor do i think any significant change to socitety is gonna happen anytime soon
nah. it's too profitable to not keep it the way it is. well, not as profitable as it once was, but still. enough for now.

>everyone got their own shit to deal with but when i compair myself to other real life people i dont resonate with them one bit
that's true. i can't connect very well with normal people either. we're here for a reason, after all.

>i dont think self harming and drug addiction are things normal people do/are
just depends on the definition. maybe not that many people hurt themselves in the traditional sense, but i'd argue alcohol, smoking and sugar are pretty addictive and destructive in their own right and do a shitton of damage to society as a whole. just because it's accepted doesn't mean it's any better.

>not cofident enough to approach girls, i feel like id just be a bother because im not that good looking and i dont want to bother them
pretty much that. and on top of that my reluctance just hurt/annoyed people who tried to get my attention, which feels even shittier. there's just no way to win. but if you can't win anyway, why be afraid of losing? i don't ubderstand why i'm such an idiot when it comes to this stuff.

>im rooting for you too man
thanks. ganbatte to both of us, then. ^^

>i guess well see, still young as fuck man so theres that
true. you still got a lot of time to figure that stuff out.
>>
hi! its been almost a year since i came here but i managed not to do anything stupid before coming here
>>
>>79894912
>idk, everytime i try something creative i get frustrated that everything i make is shit and give up.
i said it half as a joke, but maybe trading card stuff would be a good fit for you. you don't have to interact with it a lot outside of the time you spend with people playing them and don't have to be that creative (you can just use meta decks from the internet). if it's worth it depend a lot on your local scene, though. there's a lot of elitist spergs in any nerd hobby, but if the guy who runs the store you frequent is cool, he can probably hook you up with some good people.

>have looked into minis before but fuck me man they are expensive, but i guess its better then drugs.
they are, but most online stores offer a discount on most ranges and you can always start with a skirmish wargame. 40k is most peoples entrance to the hobby, but there's a lot of cool indie wargames coming out as well. check out trench crusade if you haven't heard about it. might be up you alley. it had a very successful kickstarter recently, but that also means that miniatures for that game aren't readily availabe atm. looks great, though.

anyway, it's getting late. i'll head to bed now. good talking to you, though. see you soon!

good night, everyone! (~.~)
>>
>>79895503
welcome back, friend, and good job! :D how have you been?
>>
>>79895071
> but maybe that family is something you choose. sometimes it's relatives, sometimes it's not and sometimes you just need some distance before you can get closer again. give it some time.
true true, me and my brother are kinda the black sheep of both sides of our family
first few times we got caught with drugs my mother and father told others in the family and since then we dont really interact with them outside of holidays

>i think that's normal and being able to tolerate it is considered normal. less so in this day and age of instant gratification, but still, you're on to something there.
yeah but if thats the norm then thats kinda worse, because then its not just me thats fucked up then its the whole world thats fucked up
idk man i feel like its just gonna be getting greyer and greyer, we aint on a good track as a whole

>you need to run as fast as you can to stay where you are.
exactly, but man.. if it isnt fucking exausting
its like renting a apartment instead of taking out a loan, you pay and pay and in the end you still dont have anything to show for it

>you've got this.
i dont know man, i truly dont know. dont even know who i am or where i stand. or what i should do but i guess thats life

>i know. i do, too, but it's not helpful and something that is used to push you in certain directions. maybe you can use it as motivation to get better.
ill try to use it like that but honestly im inherently a self destructive person
because man, i dont like myself. and some part of me doesnt want me to get better. theres always that part of me that wants me to get worse, destroy myself and make all the bad decisions and just set myself ablaze

>you disregarded a rule that you don't see as beneficial for yourself. everyone does it to a certain degree
yeah i guess that could be some part of it
but i still dont really know man, i just did it without a reason or a thought. just for the fuck of it i guess
>>
>>79895425
>just consider yourself lucky, enjoy your drink and be done with it. that stuff really isn't worth getting in trouble over it.
yeah well even though ive couldve gotten into trubble i dont and didnt feel/felt any nervousness or guilt or regret or anything

>well, not as profitable as it once was, but still. enough for now.
the system is made out of billions of tiny cogs that have a daily routine to make a living, to change the system you need to change the cogs but the cogs arent gonna change because they arent doing anything inherently wrong, just making a living, living day to day trying to get by.
the only people who can make a change are the higher class and they arent gonna change because they would have to give up their wealth/status etc.
so the only way the system is gonna change is when the old cogs die off and the new ones go about buisness differently. but they arent raised to to things differently. so things will mostly stay the same

>that's true. i can't connect very well with normal people either. we're here for a reason, after all.
well atleast the outcasts can fit in with the outcasts
im just glad ive got people to talk to that are on the same line

>, but i'd argue alcohol, smoking and sugar are pretty addictive and destructive in their own right and do a shitton of damage to society as a whole. just because it's accepted doesn't mean it's any better.
true but those are still lesser evils compaired to the shit i do. so those things are inherently abnormal by definition because those are extremes of the lesser and more common vices

>. there's just no way to win. but if you can't win anyway, why be afraid of losing? i don't ubderstand why i'm such an idiot when it comes to this stuff.
same man, same. honestly? im scared to talk to new people my age especially girls. i dont know what to do or how to act, so i just save myself the trouble and (probable) dissapointment

1/2
>>
just leaving a page six bump
>>
I hope you all have good sleep and rest well. I hope you all have really nice dreams and no nightmares, and feel really good tomorrow and wake up feeling well rested. I want you to all feel good and not hurt yourselves, I don't want anyone to hurt.
I don't know why people do, but I hope none of you feel bad or want to hurt yourself. I love you all and hope you feel better. Even if Christmas is over, remember that Jesus loves you too and wants you to feel good without hurting.
>>
>>79896705
>I don't know why people do, but I hope none of you feel bad or want to hurt yourself. I love you all and hope you feel better. Even if Christmas is over, remember that Jesus loves you too and wants you to feel good without hurting.

when you get hurt your brain releases adrenaline and (if i remember correctly) some serotonin so when people feel real bad and hurt themselves they get that brief rush of positive chemicals and it creates a feeling of mental relief
allthough there are a lot of reasons why people self harm this is a bit of the sience behind it

extreme self hatred and punishing oneself are also main reasons for why, as well as things like masochism and such. eventually you learn to love the pain and even desire it.

its a lot like substance abuse in those aspects.

----
allright the sesh went on longer then planned (as usual desu) took my last line at 5:00 and put the baggie away
gonna take benzos when it wears off so around 540/6
but i can stay in bed until noon so its fine
and ive got ODSMT (RC opoid that contricts pupils) so ill take a finger or 2 sublingual when i wake up so my pupils constrict and go back to normal by the time i get downstrairs

this NEP habbit is gonna be hard to kick man
but its the only habbit thats left and need to get rid off. maybe thats why its especially difficult
also because its an amazing substance but whatever

ill get there someday man, i hope atleast
>>
>>79896705
>>79896806
oh yeah also for the jesus part, if theres a afterlife im probably going way down man
im a pretty bad guy desu. im a sinner man
>>
>>79896834
The good thing is that if you repent for it and try to be better then you are forgiven, anon. Everyone sins, and it's delusional and evil to think "Oh I don't sin, so I'm so much better than other people who do". When Jesus walked on the Earth before His crucifixion, he didn't want to interact with the people who did their very best to do no wrong and not sin. He wanted to talk to the ones who did, and change them. Redirect them in the right way. He actually said 'healthy people don't need a doctor, but ill men do' (roughly translated of course). Being a sinner doesn't condemn you if you repent and live a better life, and be kind to others.
>>
>>79896898
>The good thing is that if you repent for it and try to be better then you are forgiven, anon. Everyone sins, and it's delusional and evil to think "Oh I don't sin, so I'm so much better than other people who do". When Jesus walked on the Earth before His crucifixion, he didn't want to interact with the people who did their very best to do no wrong and not sin. He wanted to talk to the ones who did, and change them. Redirect them in the right way. He actually said 'healthy people don't need a doctor, but ill men do' (roughly translated of course). Being a sinner doesn't condemn you if you repent and live a better life, and be kind to others.

i truly appreciate the words man dont doubt that but i dont know
i dont know if i even deserve to get to heaven if there is one, im such an absolute piece of garbage that even if i could repent and make up for everything ive done id probably wouldnt do it
not because of malicious reasons or because i dont want to make up for the bad but i just dont think i deserve to go to heaven if there is one

with everything ive done man, i truly do think i should be punished, should rot in hell, in damnnation. it would be suitable for someone like me

i do try to be kind, and generous and humble to others. im not talking about deeds against others
but everything ive done by myself, to myself etc idk if it can be forgiven. because by doing those things to myself i only hurt everyone around me
and idk, im a hedonistic self hating junkie, and i dont think someone like that deserves repentance
>>
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I hope everyone had a good Christmas and is doing well. Sorry, I was gone for a couple of days. I was just being anon, but I'll use my nickname for easier tracking.
I got hit with an insane $2k 'special assessment' fee from my HOA and they didn't notify me until late this past Friday afternoon; it's due Jan 1st, on top of the monthly fees. I have to use every penny of Christmas money I got and somehow scrape up more to pay this crap off. The HOA makes me hate myself so, so much for living here, but it's the only thing in my price range. I kinda relapsed again and ended up numbing myself to sleep these past nights. just wanted to give an update before I fall asleep :/
>>79894270
*hugs* no spirals, only peaks and valleys. You've hit a low point, but now there's a mountain of goodness awaiting you. Slow and steady wins the race hun
>>79894281
this really gives me lyrical feels. Did you come up with this? cuz it's hella GOOD. reminds me of a couple bands I enjoy, namely Loathe and Darko >_>
>>
hi again. i decided not to finish my classes because i got close to fainting

>>79894779
i keep flipping between "i might be depressed" and "im just weak lazy and trying to justify" . I have a group assignment due on wednesday and ive done none of my parts and its eating at me

have assignment -> not in a state to do what I should be doing -> feel like a huge burden -> feel bad (mentally) -> starve myself -> feel bad (physically) -> feel even worse (mentally) -> starve myself -> feel even worse (physically)
>>
aa page 10
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>>79895684
>my mother and father told others in the family and since then we dont really interact with them outside of holidays
probably not a huge loss, but of course i don't know how close you were before. i'm not on good terms with most of my relatives, so maybe i'm just projecting

>i feel like its just gonna be getting greyer and greyer, we aint on a good track as a whole
can't say i disagree, but i already ranted about that before. i don't want to sound like a broken record.

>you pay and pay and in the end you still dont have anything to show for it
true, but there's pros and cons for actually owning things. there's a lot more responsibilities when you do.

>i guess thats life
pretty much. all you can try is learn from your experience and adjust your trajectory accordingly.

>i dont like myself. and some part of me doesnt want me to get better. theres always that part of me that wants me to get worse
the though that always gets me is "why do i even bother?" i just don't have an answer to that question. i just try to ignore it.

>>79895795
>i dont and didnt feel/felt any nervousness or guilt or regret or anything
dude, i don't expect any of that from you. it's just a drink. i wouldn't advise making a habit out of it, but it's not something i feel strongly about, either.

>the only people who can make a change are the higher class and they arent gonna change because they would have to give up their wealth/status etc.
pretty much that, but i'd argue that when revolutions happen most people didn't get up that day with the intention of starting one. at some point enough is enough. granted, shit really needs to hit the fan first and that hasn't completely happened.

>ive got people to talk to that are on the same line
same.
>>
>>79895795
>so those things are inherently abnormal by definition because those are extremes of the lesser and more common vices
you can say that, but in the end people have always used drugs and will continue to do so. as far as i remember religion as a concept started in places where humans had access to psychedelic mushrooms. go figure. i don't take any hard ones, but i'm fully aware of the damage i do to myself with the accepted stuff and that's bad enough. i think we radically need to change our approach when we want to get it under control on a bigger scale.

>im scared to talk to new people my age especially girls. i dont know what to do or how to act, so i just save myself the trouble and (probable) dissapointment
i feel you. worst part for me is that i don't really have anything in common with most people my age.

>>79896705
thanks. same to you.

>>79897221
hey kenny!

>I got hit with an insane $2k 'special assessment' fee from my HOA
that's a lot! :0 hope you can get it together somehow. btw, what's a hoa?

>I kinda relapsed again and ended up numbing myself to sleep these past nights. just wanted to give an update before I fall asleep :/
understandable. you're in a rough situation, so don't beat yourself up about it. hope you slept well.
>>
>>79897573
hi!

>i got close to fainting
that's not good... D: please eat some nice dinner, if you can. don't want you to get hospitalized or anything like that.

>"i might be depressed" and "im just weak lazy and trying to justify"
when i learned anything from reading and trying the bulletproof diet it's that "willpower" is not a metaphysical thing. it's tied very much to what you fuel your body with. it can actually be helpful to not eat, but that has it's limits. when i was severely depressed i got a vitamin screening and it showed that my d3 and b12 storags were empty. that gave me the motivation to improve my diet and while i still have to deal with epsiodes, they aren't as bad as they used to be (and over in a timeframe that's considered "normal"). i know you're afraid of just shifting your fear and obsession from " how much" to "what", but maybe that's preferable if it means you can escape that cycle.

good morning, everyone, btw! (^-^)
>>
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Good morning frens
how are you doin today?
>>
>>79899264
good morning yuaanon :3

>please eat some nice dinner
yeah I did end up eating dinner. It was some rice with stir fried cauliflower, celery and cabbage
>my d3 and b12 storags were empty
yeah i probably have a variety of vitamin deficiencies as well. my hair is straight up just falling out. which kinda sucks because it was one of the things that started to improve when I first started recovery and actually ate more. I would post an image of the amount of hair that has fallen out even within literally the last 5 hours because I just cleaned it but its kinda gross so I decided not to
>maybe that's preferable if it means you can escape that cycle
yeah I guess so. At the end of the day being paranoid about what to eat is still way more sustainable than not eating at all

>>79899864
good morning catbro :3
>>
Literally tranny thread
>>
just leaving a bumper
>>
>>79899875
>good morning catbro :3
hey tamago
how's it going?
>unt of hair that has fallen
sounds scary
maybe you should visit a doctor :<
>>
>>79899261
>whats an hoa?
Homeowners association. It's generally for people that live in condos/apartment homes. They manage the outside of the property, like mowing lawns and removal of trash, but they don't take care of the unit itself. So if my fridge breaks, for example, I have to buy a new one. But if a tree outside falls over, the HOA takes care of it. Most of the people in the units near me are renters, so they don't follow the rules and I get stuck paying for it. Rules include common sense things like don't bother your neighbors with loud noises such as stomping, throw your trash away properly, park your car in the stall assigned to you, and generally keeping to yourself. I'm surrounded by literal garbage, though, and some dipshits keep throwing away furniture when it's very clearly stated - NO DUMPING. Instead of fining the offending party, they're applying a 'special fee' to all units in the area, regardless of them being an owner or renter. The owners never offend, it's always the renters. This place is the only reason I've been relapsing. I just had to jump in on the low mortage rates but honestly, fuck this place and the people; especially the people. ;_;
>hope you slept well
it was pretty good. took a while to get comfy and finally fell asleep at like 3am.
>>
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>>79893317
Putting a label on what I had made things much easier and really helped me, personally. At least when I was finally able to accept that label. I was nonfunctional and unable to care for myself, mostly homeless and roaming the streets and getting picked up often by EMS/police and taken to the emergency room and then admitted into care. Then I'd go off my meds as soon as I left. It took legal proceedings ending with me court-ordered to take injectable medications on a regular basis to snap me into a semblance of normal functioning. I'm still on disability and unable to work, but it's the best I've ever functioned.
I'm glad you can function without outside assistance, that's the ideal place to be. Just the labor I have to go through to get the assistance and engage effectively with it is enough of a job in and of itself.
>>
bumpinmg :3
>>
>>79894056
>you should just toss them in the bin now
I probably will dwww
>>79894452
>make sure to check the thread so we can wish you a happy new year.
I will, probably will spend most of my new year's eve here probably
I went out shopping and bought some bacardi cola for tomorrow. i said i'd quit drinking but yk js for once i think i deserve to treat myself a little. people here are already lighting fireworks which is somewhat pissing me off. but atleast im having an absolute blast playing assassins creed these past few days. hope everything is well
>>
Hi all! First time poster here. Did the deed after years of not doing so. Back to chicken scratches on my thighs. Little doodles. Weirdly enough it was easier than I remember. Not even sure what brought me to do it. I think I just wanna be gone, but I'm still not ready for the rope yk? The slices kinda help vent that feeling.
That captcha timer is insane.. 900 seconds the heck? That's my whole work break :/
>>
>>79902184
>probably will dwww
okayy
how's is your day going today btw?

>>79902741
Hello anon :>
>First time poster here
welcome :D
>Did the deed after years
sorry to hear this, at least you didn't do a lot of damage
But still make sure to clean them and patch yourself up
>not even sure what brought me to
and I'm not sure if that's a bad thing or a good thing :/
>just wanna be gone
why?
>captcha timer is insane.. 900
to me it only happens if I try to post on incognito mode
>>
>>79899864
hey catbro! how was your day? i watched that grass-vid you posted yesterday. good vid, but sadly lawn isn't even the worst thing we have to deal with over here. it's bad enough, but there's also a lot of "stone gardens" popping up everywhere, because people a too lazy to care for even the tiniest speck of dirt.

>>79899875
>It was some rice with stir fried cauliflower, celery and cabbage
sounds really good. maybe add a bit of fish to dishes like that somehow? that would add a lot of nutrients. sadly i'm somewhat allergic to fish, so i can't take my own advice here, but i'm sure it would be a nice addition.

>my hair is straight up just falling out. which kinda sucks because it was one of the things that started to improve when I first started recovery and actually ate more.
well, at least you have confirmation that what you did was a step in the right direction. i'm sure you can get back on that path at some point. (*^*)9

>its kinda gross so I decided not to
don't worry. it's just hair. though it would be better if it stayed on your head of course. not like i'm one to talk in that regard. ^^'

>At the end of the day being paranoid about what to eat is still way more sustainable than not eating at all
that's a good way of looking at it, i think. if you can't get rid of an irrational fear, replacing it with a less irrational one might be the way to go for now.

>>79901224
>Homeowners association.
interesting way of doing things, but obviously not handled correctly. you'd think it would be possible to keep people who actually break the rules accountable instead of punishing everyone collectively.

>fuck this place and the people; especially the people. ;_;
sorry you have to deal with those assholes. :/ since you own the place, could you rent it out to someone else and move somewhere you don't have to deal with all that crap?
>>
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>>79902903
Eyo yuanon :D
>catbro! how was your day? i
pretty well watched a very funny stream today and had fun
wbu?
>stone gardens
:0
>>
>>79901224
>took a while to get comfy and finally fell asleep at like 3am.
i stayed up way longer than i planned, too. ^^ can't do that tonight, though. i need to get up early tomorrow.

>>79902184
>probably will spend most of my new year's eve here probably
there's worse places and people to hang out with, but i might be biased. ;D

>i said i'd quit drinking but yk js for once i think i deserve to treat myself a little.
sure. it's a special occasion, after all. ^^ just don't make it a habit again. i got some whisky for me and my dad to drink over the holidays, but i'll stop again come january.

>people here are already lighting fireworks which is somewhat pissing me off
same here. some people are just idiots. would be nice if they wouldn't make it everyone elses problem, though.

>but atleast im having an absolute blast playing assassins creed these past few days.
glad to hear you're enjoying yourself. ^^

>hope everything is well
i guess so. hard to tell sometimes.

>>79902741
hi anon! welcome to the thread! (^-^)

>That captcha timer is insane.. 900 seconds the heck? That's my whole work break :/
i only had that happen to me the first time i posted with my new phone. now it's back to normal, it seems. not sure what the reason is.

>>79902990
>pretty well watched a very funny stream today and had fun
nice. :> what was it about?

>wbu?
just work. got something i ordered from my local nerd store before heading there, but that's about it. people went crazy today. everyone was out buying stuff like it's the end of the world tomorrow. had a hard time even getting a parking spot. glad i went out a bit earlier than usual today. i think i'll just watch some tv now. what are you up to?

>:0
people always find a way to make stuff worse for themselves and everyone around them.
>>
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>>79903031
>what was it about?
playing a fas food game
here a vod
https://www.youtube.com/live/kjgdj5w_fto?si=ild6vCOlsYaIm2Ex
>got something i ordered
always fun
>watch some tv now.
hopefully you find something nice
>what are you up to?
watching trainspotting
man needles is veins always fuck me up for wome reason
> find a way to make stuff worse for themselves and everyone around them.
yupp
>>
>>79902903
>you'd think it would be possible to keep people who actually break the rules accountable instead of punishing everyone collectively.
not their way of doing things. I guess it's too hard to install a couple cameras near the dumpsters and keep track of who's actually breaking the rules, but instead they punish everyone.
>could you rent it out to someone else and move somewhere you don't have to deal with all that crap?
not worth it cuz I'd still be stuck with having to take care of the unit and then have renters damaging it constantly.
>>79903031
>i stayed up way longer than i planned, too. ^^ can't do that tonight, though. i need to get up early tomorrow.
I gotta try and be better about sleep, too. I hope you can get some good sleep tonight with good dreams so you'll have the energy for tomorrow.
>>
>>79903233
>playing a fas food game here a vod
people really love playing work for some reason. ^^'

>always fun
yup. it's something for me and my friends and since we're going to meet tomorrow, i thought i should finally get off my butt and collect it.

>watching trainspotting man needles is veins always fuck me up for wome reason
i can see why. i don't think i'm good with dramas in general these days. at least it's always a fight to start watching one.

>yupp
goes without saying, i guess. ^^

>>79903244
>I guess it's too hard to install a couple cameras near the dumpsters and keep track of who's actually breaking the rules
probably makes them way more money like this as well, so there's little incentive to change anything. is there some sort of owner's meeting where stuff like that could be discussed?

>I'd still be stuck with having to take care of the unit and then have renters damaging it constantly.
true. way too much of a hassle.

>I hope you can get some good sleep tonight with good dreams so you'll have the energy for tomorrow.
thanks friend. same to you. (^-^) drinking some mate soda right now, so that probably doesn't help, but i'm not too bad when it comes to drinking caffeine before bed.
>>
>>79897000
That's the thing, when we look at our actions none of us should, by our own standards, deserve forgiveness in that way. We sin all the time, regardless of severity or frequency. The fact that you're concerned about it already means you have a conscience with moral heading, and overall you can be saved. If you feel bad about things you've done, then it means you recognize good and evil.
Jesus sacrificed himself after learning all of humanity's sins. No matter what we've done in public or private, no matter how heinous or degenerate, He still saw what we did and loved us so much that He wanted to make sure we were taken care of. It's unbelievable by our logic that anyone who does the things we do would be forgiven so readily, especially when presented with the idea that it doesn't matter what we've done. So long as we actually feel bad about it and repent for the sins we've committed we will be saved and forgiven. It's the ones who see absolutely nothing wrong with what they've done, or would readily commit evil acts again for personal gain and the enjoyment of evildoing that have anything to worry about.
From the standpoint of worrying about the things you've done in this world, to yourself or others regardless, I think your morals are in the right place and God just wants you to move in the right direction. It's hard to deal with our vices, but recognizing that they're vices and can be broken is the first step. You're already forgiven, anon
>>
Dropping by to say that I (think) I'm getting better.
Last time I felt like this it went all downhill pretty quickly so I'm cautious. But now I'm getting treatment, unlike last time. Let's just hope this time is for real and I won't have the need to put a rope on my neck a few weeks from now.
>>
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>>79903244
hey kenny :>

>>79903665
>people really love playing work for
ig in all games you do some kind of work
>something for me and my friends
nice :D
are you gonna use it tomorrow?
how did that yesterday's puzzle go byw?
>at least it's always a fight
I have that with movies in general I feel like they're too long and then I waste 2 hours doing nothing

>>79904046
Hey saka
>I'm getting better
good
>went all downhill
well I think that it's always worse after getting better
but then it gets better after a while again
>treatment
cool, how does it look like?
>>
>How are you doing today?
holding together
>Any plans for today?
I've been making a game plan for New Year's resolutions.
I scheduled a primary care visit to short out my medical care for the future.
And I got my Storage system working.
>Is there anything bothering you right now?
Some negative thoughts I don't know what to make of. It kept me up a few nights ago, but I'm in a better place rn.
>>
>>79904118
>well I think that it's always worse after getting better
It was that time when I was exceptionally happy. I was energetic and happy all the time.
I don't feel like this but the urges to off myself are at an all-time low and I actually feel motivated and hopeful about my future and getting better.
I'm just not sure if it'll all come crashing down like last time or if it's legit.
>cool, how does it look like?
Medications, therapy, etc. I myself am putting in the effort too. I'm not drinking, I'm not smoking, I'm sorting things out overall.
>>
>>79902902
Meh it'll be fine it will barely leave a scar. It'll be a blank page again soon enough :P
I have a really hard time figuring out how I feel and the signals my body and my brain send me, it's just hard to tell. I quit cigarettes, weed and alcohol two months ago, maybe I just went for a replacement.
>gone why
I'm now 30 yo and have been fighting depression since I was 13 yo. Every year the hope is dimmer. I don't think I have any left. I just don't wanna hurt my family tho :(
>>79903031
Thanks for the welcome, both of you <3
>deserve to treat myself
Better be careful, personally that's what always does me in.
>>
>>79904185
Idk you but best of luck to you and you got this <3
If you feel things slipping you can tell the people giving you treatment. It's good that you are putting in the effort, it's not much use otherwise
>>
>>79904264
Thank you anon.
>If you feel things slipping you can tell the people giving you treatment
I certainly will.
>It's good that you are putting in the effort, it's not much use otherwise
That's true. At the end of the day, all the help I can get won't actually pull me out of the hole. I have to make the effort to do so, and that's what I'm doing.
>>
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>>79904264
off topic but i have a black cat and i fucking love her so muchhhhhhh.
>how's is your day going today btw?
for now i was js playing ac but i lost my good sword so now im js crying and listening to deftones. also i was reading a book but it had too many sex scenes in it, it made me unfomfy.
>>79903031
>there's worse places and people to hang out
very much true. the ppl i've met here have been the closest thing to new friends i've had in a while. refreshing stuff
>>
going to sleepp
goodnight all
>>
hi good morning

i went to lay down for a bit at my desk last night and just fell asleep lol

>>79902903
>fish
im not really a fan of fish ^^' I can't stand the "sea smell". But probably something like a chicken or egg would be good too
>i'm sure you can get back on that path at some point
>that's a good way of looking at it
thanks a lot :>
>>
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>>79904396
My ex kept our beautiful furball daughter x'(
She was so sweet and we had such a connection. We played so much, I was always building her forts and taking her in my arms so she could smell everything she couldn't normally reach. I miss her a lot! Now I'm taking care ofy parents cat while they are gone and he is a real pain in the ass..
>>
>>79904498
Gnight cat
>>
>>79904046
hey sakamoto! glad your doing better. hope it stays that way. :D

>>79904046
>ig in all games you do some kind of work
true, but i'm specifically talking about all those xyz simulators. the ones that actually simulate stuff. i do my best to avoid games that really feel like it, though. live services and all that stuff.

>are you gonna use it tomorrow?
nah. just some more miniatures. my friend really wanted some the minis that come in the box, but not all, so we're gonna split them.

>how did that yesterday's puzzle go byw?
still puzzling, but i'm gonna get there. one piece at a time. ^^ put some together tonight as well.

>I feel like they're too long and then I waste 2 hours doing nothing
if it was good enough to keep you hooked for that long, i don't think it was a waste. if there's something good in there, your brain takes notice and saves it for later.

>>79904175
hi cynic! (^-^)

>holding together
that's what i wanna hear!

>I've been making a game plan for New Year's resolutions
well, better execute it with utmost care, then. best of luck.

>It kept me up a few nights ago, but I'm in a better place rn.
wanna talk about it? i need to head to bed soon, but i'll read it tomorrow. pinky promise.

>>79904198
>quit cigarettes, weed and alcohol two months ago
that's impressive. well done, friend! :D

>Better be careful, personally that's what always does me in
true. it's a slippery slope.

>>79904396
>the ppl i've met here have been the closest thing to new friends i've had in a while. refreshing stuff
isn't it? you find good people in the most unlikely of places sometimes. glad you found your way here.

>>79904498
same here. good night, sleep tight!
>>
>>79904498
goodnight catbro

im heading out for uni
>>
>>79904500
>>79904500
good morning, tamy! (^-^)

>i went to lay down for a bit at my desk last night and just fell asleep lol
that darn comfy desk! doesn't it know it isn't a bed! :0

>im not really a fan of fish ^^' I can't stand the "sea smell".
same. sadly there's nothing that compares when comes to nutritional value... (-_-;) so if you wanna get the most out of a small amount, it goes a long way. if i feel like it, i chop up some high quality tuna or sardines, mix it with finely cut parsley, onions and chili flakes or spicy paprika powder and drown everything in mayonaise and eat that with some bread. gets the job done.

>But probably something like a chicken or egg would be good too
sure, but the quality of those depends a lot on what the chickens are fed and their living conditions, something you don't have to care about that much with wild caught fight. that goes pretty much for all animal products.

>>79904735
have a nice day!

i'll be heading to bed bow as well. good night, everyone!
>>
goodnight sleepers
>>
>>79904728
>impressive
Thanks, but I think it's too early to celebrate. I just gotta stick to it. It's rough. Been meaning to do it for a while, this time I intend to quit for good cause I know I can't have a little, I don't have the self control.

>>79904874
>>79905524
Goodnight all <3
>>
>>79903665
>probably makes them way more money like this as well, so there's little incentive to change anything. is there some sort of owner's meeting where stuff like that could be discussed?
there is but it always ends up being one lady in control of things and she's the one mismanaging things. all the other homeowners want her gone but she's being paid off to keep quiet so investors can take over the neighborhood and rent out the units to low quality trash. there's no point in attending the meetings cuz she always dismisses any complaints and sums it up with "deal with it or move." Like, biatch, I'd love to move but rates have tripled since I got this place. pretty sure there's maybe 5 other actual owners and the rest are investors that don't care what happens.
>i'm not too bad when it comes to drinking caffeine before bed.
gotta make sure you're sleepy for bedtime. it's good to have a cutoff time to let your mind relax for pleasant dreams.
>>79904118
>hey kenny :>
hey cat!



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