am i a mentalcel?>allegedly very attractive according to family and acquaintances, get hit on and stared a lot in public but>deeply socially inept: can't talk without lagging and stuttering, never know what to say, have to force my voice out and get burnt out after any interaction. no concept of social cues and norms and how to carry myself, so spergy to the point where people can tell across the room>paranoid and distrustful (long list of delusions), neurotic, extremely bad ocd, contempt ridden and avoidant due to isolation and past bullying. grossed out by affection and intimacy, can't trust enough to connect and have no real drive to do so, fantasize about it but feel extremely uncomfortable with it in practice >used to be fat and ugly, still feel fat and ugly and can't believe any affection i get, feel bullied with everything i do>lots of pent up hatred from trauma, switch between feeling superior and inferior to others so can be mildly unpleasant >living life through a dissociated haze and brain rot that turns me into a ghoster because talking is a chore even though i want it to be fun >0 life experience, extremely stupid (developmentally stunted and also just very sheltered), so isolated it makes me insane. i have been checked out of reality for years >feel disgusted imagining myself in a relationship, or having any sort of intimacy be it sexual or not>long term anorexic I can't tell if I'm lazy or doomed. I daydream so much but interacting is a sisyphean feat. Things like these come so easy to others, it should be a natural impulse for me, not something I have to force myself to do. I even get overwhelmed and freeze up dming people online, I can only talk in boards because it's less personal
>>80082339people can be really kind and understanding when you're attractive. if you can sustain that there's hope for you I'm sure. my weight has fluctuated and so has my sense of what I 'deserve' in terms of having a social life. ultimately I don't think I can shake off the trauma of growing up ugly and neglected. just knowing that I'm 20kg away from being persona non grata again puts me off people to be honest.
>>80082385yes you get it. i have a whole lot of issues but that lingering sense of being nonhuman never leaves you, im very vain and enjoy making myself look "good" so my issue isn't exactly sustaining it but how i react to my surroundings. no matter how nice people are i can't shake off the unease and contempt, i feel unreal and struggle to take any connections seriously because my surroundings don't register, and when they do it just feels icky. I'm scared that I'll be completely alone forever because even when people approach me in a platonic friendly way I freeze up like I'm not stutter away from being discarded and the discomfort makes relationships and friendships not worth pursuing. I can't feel that love people do, just discomfort and disinterest and emptiness, even with family. I live my life in silence and it's just really depressing and empty seeing everyone around me have friends and relationships but when people try to be friendly with me it grosses me out. idk how to fix it. I remember once in high school this classmate I thought was attractive started to flirt with me and it's like suddenly I saw them warp into a beast in front of my eyes. All I could feel was fear, disgust, hatred and a deep sense of violation
>>80082385>just knowing that I'm 20kg away from being persona non grata again puts me off people to be honest.That experience will help you find a decent person.
>>80082476i don't think ive ever met a decent person then. everyone, even the most "be yourself!" positive people would have been disgusted with me had they met me when i looked the way i did. it's only natural for people to prefer prettier things and most people can shrug that off and ignore it as part of life but when you're in the receiving end you don't really forget. Though even if everyone was perfect I don't think I'd be capable of loving or caring for them, but i really wish i could
>>80082468if it's a case of discomfort and a fear of the unknown, experiment, see how far you can go with people and observe your reactions, you don't have to commit. maybe try initiating more instead, even with people who don't particularly stick out to you, maybe that'll make it less stressful. just try things, anything to prevent you from becoming a complete schizoid recluse. >>80082476my main takeaway is that love is conditional. I don't know how that helps honestly.
