“Oh, here we go again! Dungeons and freakin’ Dragons! What is this, huh? Some kinda nerd Olympics? Lemme get this straight: you’re gonna sit around a table with your buddies—who, by the way, I guarantee haven’t seen sunlight in weeks—roll some dice, and “pretend” you’re an elf, or a dwarf, or some kinda lizard-man? What, is that supposed to be fun? Oh yeah, sure, nothing says ‘good time’ like imagining you’re stuck in a dungeon with some wizard who won’t shut up about his magic staff. Lemme tell ya, in my day, games had a ball, or a stick, and you knew who won 'cause someone was bleeding at the end! Now you got these books the size of a phone book—‘The Dungeon Master's Guide?’ How about the ‘Get a Job Guide?’ You ever think about that?And don't even get me started on these ‘hit points’! What, so you take a sword to the chest and you just... lose some points? Oh, okay, pal, let me hit you with my car and we’ll see how many ‘hit points’ you got left! And what the hell is ‘armor class?’ It’s not gym class, I’ll tell ya that much. You roll a dice, and suddenly you’re invincible? Sure, sure, makes sense. Meanwhile, I’m out here trying to avoid getting hit by “real” things, like bills, mortgages, and Sheila down the street always yappin' about her lawn.And your ‘campaigns’—they last for, what, months? What kinda loser’s got that kinda time?! I don’t even wanna spend more than five minutes talking to people I “like”, let alone sitting around a table for eight hours while some dude in a cloak explains how you’re fighting a gelatinous cube. Yeah, real tough, a freakin’ jello mold with anger issues.Look, you wanna have a good time, watch some real heroes, like me, drink a beer, bet on a game, or I dunno, live in the real world! So roll your dice, cast your spells, and leave me the hell out of it. ‘Cause the only dragon I’m slayin’ is the one that’s keeping me from my TV!"
>And your ‘campaigns’—they last for, what, months? What kinda loser’s got that kinda time?!This is the thing that gets me most. Whenever I talk about dnd or ttrpgs in general most normies are astounded that I regularly meet with friends for a few hours every week. Why is that so suprising?
>>93928047>leave me the hell out of itThat was the plan, yes. Why are you still here?
>>93928047I play with students, sunlight is a luxary we cant afford, so we pretend to be people who CAN go outside and who actually get paid to gamble their health and futures and where there really is a satisfying life at the end of it all they pass enough arbitrary hurdles, and also, tonight. You.
>>93928047Actually, we're playing Barbarians of Lemuria.
>>93928085Because they would rather sit at home on their phones since all of their friends are simply friends of circumstance.Also they cannot schedule 4 hours a week to anything as they lack commitment abilities
>>93928047But we're playing Dark Heresy, Carl. I was just about to have my nun in power armor cut down this cultist of chaos in half with a chainsaw sword.
>>93928994Dark Heresy?! Oh, gimme a break with this Warhammer nerd stuff! So, lemme get this straight—you sit around pretending you’re some space priest fighting demons in a universe where everything is miserable, and everyone’s either worshipping a god or getting vaporized. Sounds like a real fun Saturday night, huh? What, you don’t have enough stress in real life, now you gotta deal with heretics and warp storms?And what’s with all the dice? You need, like, 50 different dice just to see if your character trips over a rock or gets eaten by some alien monstrosity. The rulebook? It’s like reading an encyclopedia for a universe I don’t even care about! ‘Oh, Carl, it’s deep and immersive.’ Yeah, so’s quicksand!You know what I want from a game? Something that doesn’t make me feel like I’m doing my taxes. Keep your grimdark nonsense, I’ll be over here playing a real game—with beer, a couch, and a remote!"
>>93929051...You mean "watching" a game? Not sure how that's better, but I'm not gonna stop you.
>>93928047>>93929051>"Yo, Fryman, wanna get your dog offa mah lawn, or what?!"Read it in his voice. Good on you for keeping the rituals alive, OP.
This episode would almost certainly have Carl deeply invested in roleplaying by the second act.
>>93931036Or fuckin the next scene.
>>93931043Those are the same thing
>>93929051>‘Oh, Carl, it’s deep and immersive.’ Yeah, so’s quicksand!got a laugh of me
And dis is my level 40 paladin. His name is Thomas, and he's got two horses.
>>93931268no, you don't have 2 horses. *I* have two horses.
Oh, what's this? Playing Dungeons and Dragon's, fifth edition, no less? How quaint. We mooninites have no need for such primitive forms of entertainment and only use the most advanced system of them all: GURPS.> Fuck Waterdeep!
>>93931307
>>93928047I read this whole thing in Carl’s voice.
>>93931589
