>>216523699
I had explosive diarrhea watching the first lord of the rings movie and shit into a popcorn bucket in front of two female toddlers.

>>216523699
Never happed ivan. Pushing hate for PoC isn't tolerated here.

>>216523699
Not the worst but the weirdest experience. I worked at a kinoplex in highschool, we had a pretty hot but very pregnant manager. They used to do showings of movies before they were released for employees, and they were playing 30 Days of Night. It was pretty late, like 12am. I’m sitting in the back and she sits next to me. All the scary parts, she grabs me. Eventually, I just go for it, and pull up the arm rest. We just cuddle and she’s in my arms. My 16 year old heart was racing. Her head is resting on my shoulders. She’s just holding onto me. Then the movie ends, she gets up without a word and leaves. It was really bizarre, and I had no idea what happened. She never even mentioned it again.

>>216523699
When I still had friends I went to see the Avengers: Infinity War or whatever. It was a surreal experience. When Black Panther showed up, a whole row of black people got up and shouted “Wakanda Forever!” When Captain America showed up, everyone cheered and clapped. People were crying when spoderman got dusted. Thanos getting the axe, the theater was silent. I’ve never seen so many people that invested in a movie.

I saw Get Out in DC with 3 friends and one of their GF's. An astronaut on the other side of the theater yelled "GET OUT!" every time something ominous happened. A gaggle of groidesses nearby cackled each time he did this for the entire movie. That wasn't actually the bad part though - I'd already seen the movie so I just found it amusing. After the movie, in the car, I said something along the lines of "is it not fucking hilarious that happened during THAT movie?" Everyone was completely silent, and basically the entire 15 minute car ride home was silent. They were so terrified of being perceived as racist they couldn't even acknowledge the existence of the stereotype of blacks being loud in theaters. Liberal white people are so fucking weird man - far worse than that guy shouting or the bitches egging him on.

>>216523699
>be me
>go see Sonic because I’m a faggot
>the theater is half families and half sweaty smelly autistic retards
>the guy behind me is sitting with a girl who I think is his gf
>he’s yelling a squealing at every Easter egg and laughed uncontrollably at the “sanic” meme
>”hahaha they actually did it, it’s FUCKING SANIC!”
>theres others that are doing the same thing
>tell him to shut up and watch his mouth because there’s kids
>stays quiet
>then post credit
>Tails shows up
>”HOLY FUCK! They actuallyFUVKING DID IT! ITS TAILS!”
>uncontrollably squeals
The sheer amount of weirdos must have been uncomfortable for the families just trying to see a kids movie.

Of course — here it is with **every single line** prefixed by `>`:

---

> be me
> terminally online film bro, thinks Fincher is a genre
> decide to go to local multiplex because “supporting cinema experience” or whatever Scorsese said
> pick the artsy 9pm screening of some “emotionally devastating” A24 flick
> pre-game by watching three video essays about aspect ratios
> arrive at theater
> lobby smells like wet carpet and depression
> ticket kid looks like he was generated by Unreal Engine
> walk into auditorium
> only other people are a couple making out like they're auditioning for Euphoria and a dude eating popcorn like it owes him money
> pick seat dead center like a true kino chad
> movie starts
> it’s quiet, atmospheric, 90% long shots of someone looking out a window
> bliss.jpg
> suddenly hear *crunch*
> then *slurp*
> then some ungodly chewing rhythm that sounds like a washing machine full of gravel
> it’s the popcorn guy
> bro is eating each kernel individually like he’s doing ASMR for demons
> try to ignore it
> then the couple starts whisper-arguing
> whispering louder than talking??? how???
> girl keeps checking her phone
> illumination hits my retinas like a flashbang
> director intended this
> halfway through, movie enters its big emotional moment™
> camera lingers for like 30 seconds in total silence
> popcorn guy chooses this exact moment to unleash the most apocalyptic sneeze known to man
> legit jump scare
> couple giggles
> immersion destroyed, life ruined, cinema dead
> movie ends
> lights come up
> popcorn guy has somehow created a radius of crumbs around himself like he's marking territory
> couple leaves without picking up anything
> walk outside
> poster says “Experience the Magic of the Big Screen”
> mfw the magic was a sneeze and a breakup argument

---

If you want a more chaotic or more autistic /tv/ version, I can escalate.

>>216524025
You have to be more subtle with it
>wow that theater was really energetic! why do you think that is? where im from everyones always dead silent. interesting
Then if the insinuate you were trying to bring up race just throw it back in their face

>>216523699
>be me
>on a date with cute black girl
>watching Creed 2
>*point to Michael B Jordan* "Is that Nick Cannon"?
>omg anon do you think all black people look alike
>play it off as a joke
>she laughs
>I laugh
>we have sex later
>next week
>dick itches
>test positive for herpes

>>216523889
Any more kinoplex stories IRL Robert?

On **/tv/**, *“Robert”* is basically a **boogeyman / running joke** used to refer to a **janitor (janny) or moderator** who deletes threads, bans people, or otherwise “ruins the board.”

It’s not a real, identifiable person — it’s just the **name anons collectively invented** to yell at when posts disappear:

* Thread gets nuked? *“ROBERT STOP.”*
* Image won’t upload? *“ROBERT PLEASE.”*
* Janitor does anything? *“GOD DAMMIT ROBERT.”*

He’s the /tv/ equivalent of blaming “Todd” on /v/ or “Seff” on /a/.

So:
**Robert = mythical omnipresent janny scapegoat responsible for every deletion, ban, and inconvenience on /tv/.**

If you want, I can write a greentext about Robert deleting your kino thread.

>>216523699
>be me
>get the COVID shot at 9 a.m. on a Saturday
>see Sing 2 at 10:30 a.m. because I didn't want to go home to my asshole roommate and it's the only movie that seemed tolerable
>thinking I'll be the only one in the theater because it's 10:30 a.m.
>don't realize that's literally the time every kid goes to see kids movies
>order a coffee, walk into a theater filled with kids and sit down
>a couple people sit down to my left
>think it's a married couple at first
>the wife keeps autistically shouting OH MAH GAWD and WHAT THE HECK at everything that happens
>start getting delirious from all the kids and this bitch next to me yelling, the COVID shot and the caffeine from the coffee
>sneak a glance to my left 3/4 of the way through the movie
>it's actually an autistic middle school boy
Sing 2 also turned out to be retarded.

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>>216523699
I always post this story in these threads because it's fucking ridiculous
>go to see screening of the Lotr trilogy over the course of three days
>two towers starts
>a girl and her friend sit a couple of rows behind me
>she starts reciting EVERY single line in the film including Gollum's speech in his voice
>at one point she tells her friend "haha I know this by heart"
>this goes on all the way to the end

>>216524273
me again, here's part 2

> movie finally ends
> lights come up and I’m sweating like I just ran a marathon through a daycare
> kids spilling popcorn everywhere like it’s a ritual offering
> autistic kid next to me stands up and shouts “THAT WAS AWESOME DUDE” directly into my ear
> left ear now permanently Dolby Atmos
> try to leave but entire horde of children blocks the aisle like a tiny human traffic jam
> COVID shot hitting me like a truck at this point
> feel like I’m trapped in a fever dream directed by Illumination
> stumble into lobby clutching my half-finished coffee like it’s a talisman
> see giant Sing 2 cardboard standee
> it winks at me
> not sure if hallucination or just bad lighting
> decide to get fresh air
> walk outside and immediately get blinded by sunlight
> body feels like it’s running on expired vaccine and 7-Eleven coffee
> start walking home
> realize I’m actually walking straight toward the theater again
> brain has been permanently rewired to seek mid-tier animated jukebox musicals
> finally make it back to apartment
> roommate asks where I’ve been
> tell him “singularity 2” like an idiot
> collapse on bed
> last thing I hear before passing out is some kid in the hallway singing U2 loudly and off-key
never getting vaccinated or watching a kids movie again

>>216523699
>sneaking in to see Wolf Creek
>have a bag of popcorn and 2L of coke from the Chinese market
>see a few seats near the back where I can duck down and hide if needed
>running up the aisle
>see a group of girls a bit older than me
>trip on a step
>coke hits a chair rail and breaks open
>popcorn bag bursts everywhere
>skid face-first into the carpet
>usher removes me with my nose bleeding
>they stop me in the middle of the hallway as people look on and laugh at me
>realise I'm bleeding, my shirt is lifted up and my belt broke so my pants are falling down
>watch as they print out a still from the security camera and put it on the banned board
>they kick me out
>sneeze
>a tooth comes loose in my mouth with a torrent of blood
I wanted to fucking die.

>>216524365
don't worry you were already dead

>>216524025
I have liberal friends too but we usually laugh at IRL stereotypes happening especially when a melanin king yells "OH HELL NAW" during a horror film.

>>216524199
It was honestly a pretty shitty job. Like 50% of the people working took the bus, so I basically got punished for having a car. Also, it was like high school, and the girls slept with the guys, well the ones that weren’t fat spergs.
One time I gave this girl a ride, she was 20 something and I was 16. She was chubby but had huge tits. Like almost a medical problem huge tits. I go to drop her off and she just lifts up her shirt and pulls out her tits. She ask if I want to come inside. She lives in a dump of an apartment. Immediately, she pulls down my pants as soon as we get in and basically attacked me. She shoves me on the couch and when I go to pull out my free condom from school out of my wallet, she says she’s on birth control. She hops on my dick and it felt really good. She just rides it fast. Her giant bouncing tits flopping around. I tell her I’m gonna come and she puts her handover my mouth and rides faster. I try to pull out, but she grabs my balls with her other had and says she’ll squeeze if I try to pull out. I bust and then she basically gets up and shoves me out of her apartment. It was really weird and made me feel kind of uncomfortable. Then she tells everyone at work how I busted in 5 seconds. One of her coworkers told her she was a retard and I’m 16. Then for about 3 months, she would text me nonstop asking me to come over, or harass me at work. I was secretly an architect Chad (back then only skinny chicks were considered hot), so I told her I would come over but since I was underage, she had to keep it a secret. She agreed, and we fucked again, but despite her massive tits, she was really rough and weird. I just stopped talking to her, and she got fired for having sex with someone at work in the freezer.

>>216524508
The worst, was when Cloverfield was in theaters. The shaky cam made everyone throw up. The theater was just filled with puke we had to clean up. The icing on the cake was someone shit in a urinal and puked on the floor. I don’t even understand how that happened. Also, we would have to kick out old people who would fall asleep and wake up hours later and not know where the fuck they were.

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>>216523699
Niggers.

>>216524625
I bet that's extremely flammable

>>216523773
>"tolerated"
Kek, get out of here, woman.

>>216523699
I was in highschool and there was a girl I liked. I asked her if she wanted to see a movie, and surprisingly said yes. We go see The Andrew Garfield Spider-Man. She brings a guy and two of her bitchy friends. I want to die. Her friends ignore me and when we get in the theater they sit between us. The urge to kms grows. My tummy hurts from the popcorn and I let out an uncontrollable fart. It smells so bad the girls start saying how gross I am. I just silently watch the movie at this point. Then I look over and the girl I like is making out with the guy. I say I gotta go to the bathroom to the girl and stand up, I hear “he probably shit his pants” and they giggle. I just leave. I wanted to drive into a pole and hopefully get ejected from my mom’s car.

>>216524684
for you

>>216524273
I got incredibly sick from the vax. 2 days of misery

>>216524795
Brutal
Why did you fucking fart man

>>216525053
Movie theater popcorn makes me gassy. I didn’t think I would unleash something so unholy.

>>216524795
>She brings a guy
lmfao this cant be real

>>216524795
holy fuck that's brutal. At least you know that's your bottom out though - any bad shit that happens to you from now on will pale in comparison.

One time in HS art class I ripped an SBD but was standing right next to the open door so I tried to slink out to the bathroom and waited there for a few minutes assuming nobody saw me and it would blow over. When I walk back in my female friend immediately points and goes "ANON EVERYONE KNOWS YOU FARTED YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE, THAT WAS THE NASTIEST FART IN HUMAN HISTORY."

>>216524795
I had something like this happen to me. I had no friends and went to go see Superbad by myself. In the theater a group of girls from my high school were there. I’m fat and brought in a gas station hotdog, soda, chips and a slim Jim. The hotdog was a mistake. My stomach was churning and I accidentally coughed. The cough let out a shart and pee. I’m wearing khaki cargo pants, so you see a pee stain and a brown spot. I go to the bathroom and don’t make it. I fart and it wasn’t a fart, I just shit all over my pants. I’m panicking, I don’t know what to do. I have shit pants and I feel it leaking down my leg. I go to the bathroom and try to wash it off in the sink after blowing up the toilet. It doesn’t help and i just have wet pants with shit all over them. Then a guy walks in that was with the girls from school. I’m in my underwear, washing shit pants in the sink and he laughs at me. He told everyone and I was known as the guy who shits his pants. I never recovered.

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>>216523699
>be me
>go to the local cinemaplex alone to see Interstellar
>pick an early afternoon showing to avoid the crowds and get myself the best seat
>approach the ticket counter which is staffed by some cute Stacy
>ask her for a ticket and put my cash on the counter
>she smiles as she starts to ring me up and says "I just saw this for the first time yesterday!"
>immediately feel nervous about responding
>cant really think of anything to say
>blurt out to her "Oh really? W-was it kino or slop?"
>immediately realize I spoke way too loudly for no reason
>she sort of half-chuckles and replies with "What?"
>stupidly repeat my question to her and she says to me she doesnt know what I mean by "keynote" or "slop"
>reach into my backpack and pull out some pictures printed from /tv/ to explain to her what kino and slop mean
>she fake laughs and says "Its a good movie, sir." and hands me my ticket
>an older male manager walks over while looking at me and asks her if "everything's good?"
>bolt for the theater
>watch Interstellar
>mfw when I realize halfway through its slop

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I will give you a funny one instead of my worst:
>Decide to watch 'No Hard Feelings' in theaters
>Really want to eat pizza during it, but not the theater slop
>Go to my local chain, buy the pizza, then shove it into a gallon size ziploc bag
>Only way to hide it is to put it in a backpack and bring that into the theaters with me
>I know the AMC by me usually doesn't check bags
>Buy tickets and pop at the desk
>Place bag on the ground against the counter while ordering in an attempt to not have the bag noticed
>Instead it draws attention to it, Cashier notices my bag placement, but does nothing during checkout
>When walking to the my screen, I notice a black police officer walking down the hallway with body armor and likely a gun
>I am white, so I just act nonchalant and walk past him
>Go into theater
>It is literally all women in there
>Sit in the front near the door
>Notice theater becoming packed (with all women), except for a little area around me
>Wait for lights to go dark to pull out my pizza
>Enjoy the kino while eating a pizza.

>>216523699
I frequently saw movies at my local theatre alone. It's a somewhat small theatre, so the cashiers started to remember me. One time, a girl cashier asked why I always go see movies alone and I responded that I have no one to go with. She said "that's sad." Then I asked if she would like to go see a movie with me on a day when she wasn't working. She gave me her number and we went and saw The Suicide Squad. It seemed to go well, but I didn't call her afterwards because there was no good movies for a while, and then I felt the moment was lost.