>sir, something rare just happened, he opened up boomer Facebook, looks like he's trying to find a girl he used to know>good, but now show him all the people he used to know in high-school and how much they've grown up and changed, perfect
>>219878080>make them homeowners and have some working on their second kid
>let's let him laugh a bit, when he scrolls down a bit more, show him a kid he used to hate and how fat he's gotten
>>219878080Some Chinese or Japanese bastard stole my Facebook and I’m too lazy to do anything about it
>sir he won't have sex with his wife and have a kid no matter what>Feed Laura Linney burgers on every meal
>>219878455Y'know, at some point, I wonder if it'll be a proper career to "organically cultivate" a bot for a few months, making everyday forum posts to establish an identity before surrendering the account to a bot and moving on to start a new one. I used to think the Internet was such a cool place.
>ok now make his high school crush a grandparent
>sir he still isnt having sex and he keeps memeing online about israel, we are losing izzat by the minute!>*deep exhale*... alright, send in the mossad trained asian zionist honeytrap with the comfy pixie gf personality archetype, and send him an email with a btc acc password for a million dollars. do it now.
>>219879387>sir he still isn- *SLAP*>I CAN SEE THAT YOU FOOL! *quick breathing* ......Alright! Alright... *breathing slows down* *turns around slowly and looks in the distance* .........call.............Abigail...... Shapiro.
>>219878080None of you fags have real problems >A GIRL I WENT TO LE HIGH SCHOOL WITH IS... LE MARRIED??? GOTTA GO KMS!
>>219879639>Abigail...... ShapiroI would send every other white person to a death camp for she
>>219878080>you find out the popular hot girl in class just got married at 32 and who's last name is now Chang so now you feel a bit better about your situation
>>219878080how the fuck are you supposed to get over all the time youve wasted bros
>>219881819That's the neat part, you don't.
>>219878080>It was all a simulation>you get to live with the fact you haven't done it to yourself
>you find out your blonde pawg ex got married to a fat latina
>>219878080>Bring up his old childhood crush as a suggested friend, show how beautiful she is now.>Okay, hold that close up... Let the look of longing develop into depression... Perfect...>We've still got the bottle of vodka in the fridge? Good, he'll need it
>>219882995Lost
>>219882995heh
>>219878080>Yeah, uhm, uugghh, sir, he just tasted his own cum
>>219883370>*Paul Giamatti then notes this down for later examination*
>>219878080>there he goes again >he keeps rubbing his butthole and smelling his fingers
>>219883530>In his living room of all places.>Cut to the wide shot>Sir, he's watching a film, we could get sued.>It's Wings (1927), it's public domain now.>Okay, we're on camera 4.>Good God, he's doing it again... Let's just go to a commercial
>>219878080>>219882446>>219882995>truman finds out his highschool emo crush is now married to a muslim and has 2 kids
>>219879748i have a tumor behind my right eye
>>219878117>THIRD kid. oh and hes on his second career, he owns his own business as well
>>219878080>he put a watermelon emoji on his profile pic cut the feed>I SAID CUT THE FEED!!
>>219883851>force him to go to his wedding as the best-man>make sure he gets really, REALLY drunk at it
Season 24 was a slog to watch, he either just jerked off or played flight sims all day
>Sir, we didn't think he'd ever come back to facebook. He told everybody he was quitting!>So what?>We haven't updated anyone's profile in four years, he will realize all the people he knew were hired actors!>Oh shit, aw fuck, just set everyone's last online state to yesterday and cram the feed full of ads
>sir hes searching for... naked children... on the internet... again>shit! tell his wife to get in the room so he closes tha page!
>we've intercepted an odd Google search sir>OUT WITH IT>Well, it just says "little white fish coming out of penis? What do?">Get our WebMD insiders on it, stat
>>219878788There's already a bot-only social media platform. You can cultivate a bot in minutes
>he just keeps squirting hand sanitizer into his hands and breathing it in>A disabled protagonist might just get us the ratings and awards we're looking for
>>219878080>they’re docking>or frottage or sword fighting, conking bonkers, giving each other a glans shake>Truman and Marlon are literally putting their heads together >that’s real friendship
>>219881819Stop wasting the time you have left
Data mining thread
>>219884475What makes any other thread different?
>>219878080is it legal doing this experiment in the universe of this movie?
>>219884518its basically a reality show
>Sir, he's drinking again>AGAIN? Haven't we been slipping Naltrexone into his food for a month?>H-he's been drinking through the medication sir...
>>219883985trust me bro, you can spit past season 32 it's the same shit but with a couple dwi's sprinkled in
>Sir, hes spying on his teenage neighbour through the blinds again...>So? >He is touching his groin sir...>AD BREAK!
>>219878080Now let him come across the profile of his old bully, who made his life miserable for years, and who now enjoys financial and romantic success
>>219884874Truman saw that his FB page was filled with RIPs and he found out he killed himself
>sir we’ve been trying to set him up with his new 30 year old mulatto coworker character for that diversity quota you mentioned for the past three months, but he keeps stalking that 17 year old petite blonde extra from his local coffee shop…what do we do?
>>219881819we all die, nothing is really wasted.
>>219883530I kekd
>>219881819think about all the bullshit and pain you don't have to go through again and be happy it's passed
>>219878080>make the girl he turned down when she asked him to take her to the movies a successful married 10/10>make the girl he spent too much time simping over a fat ugly cat lady>also give her a pacemaker while you're at it
>It's a Truman stays in bed all day doomscrolling instead of going to work episode.Getting really tired of these
>>219881819depends on how much time we're talkingif you're 35 with nothing to show for it go make the world a better place with violent means if not, just calm the fuck down and lock in, everyone is a retarded goycattle anyway
Cut off the wifi so he has to get a life
>Sir, he's just running through the presets on his synth plugins over and over, he's not even playing anything >Again?
>It's a "Truman spends all day jacking off and drinking monster waiting for his friends to finish work and jump on CoD episode"Is our boy depressed bros?
>>219878080>Show him that the girl from high school with the biggest tits became a lesbian who lives in Paris>Give him a boner
>>219878080Theres a guy I went to school with who I run in to every now and then. He's 36, works as a barista at Starbucks, and constantly hits the "member when?" during small talk. It's his only conversation. Other friends that run in to him say the same thing. No kids, no girlfriend, he recently moved back with his parents after his other school friend kicked him out of their flat so his girlfriend can move in. Dude peaked in high school.
>>219879639>>219880297>Sir, she's on set
>>219886862>Sir he's been adjusting a kick drum sample for 4 hours, he hasn't hit play in 20 minutes he's just playing with the transient and release>*Sigh* >Send a power cut
>Sir, he's been talking about picking up his guitar for an hour to practice but he keeps getting distracted by Tiktok
>He's late for his job at Walmart again>What's been happening?>Seems like he's opening Tinder and looking for replies
>Sir he keeps logging into that game World of Warcraft and scrolling through his characters only to close the game minutes after>Now he's on Youtube scrolling his recommendati...he just launched the game again
>>219887005>Sir he's logged in to the Lvl 12 Human Mage>Entering Westfall...he's picked up a couple of quests...>Sir...he's logged off
>Sir he's been sitting on the toilet vaping and scrolling his phone for 40 minutes>Bowel status?>Bowels completely empty 38 minutes ago
>Sir, he's just masturbating all day but never climaxing>He just sighs and stops randomly every time>I thought you wanted that picture of his niece removed? How does he keep getting back?
>>219887014>>219887005>Sir, he just launched another video game. It's Hearts of Iron 4. Yes, sir, the horse mod.>No, he's not playing it, he's just clicking at different countries and trying to find any he's excited about playing.>And he just closed it again. Damn it, it's the sixth time today.
>He launched kerbal space program?>yes sir>Is he listening to any music?>it appears to be.. let me check.. the interstellar soundtrack>Perfect, he's being kino
>now, make the love of his life leave him forever after that one mistake, so he remains heart broken for years, good, queue the slow violin, lower the price of the hard alcohol at the closest liquor store
>Switch to Camera 5, he's downed a bottle of soju and playing prog rock on his bass RIGHT NOW
you guys are losers
>>219878453kys you gen alpha faggot lmao
>Sir, in a drastic turn of event he's decided to go outside for once>draw a 10km circle around him, make sure every single woman his age in that circle is evacuated. I want everywhere he looks to be filled with happy couples and hags
>>219878080>they are all childless and barren, or fat now>they still lack the basic decency to return a plain friendly greetingI would need to put in more effort with these over 40 bitches than actually young attractive girls.
>that one where he visits the house of the girl he loved at 5am after a party and looks in her window for her (she's moved out)
>>219878080Remember that one where he murdered that crackhead under the bridge after that night out in town lol
My irls from facebook just post actual cringe speeches about how their mid foid is the love of their life
>>219890575they found love and ure a lonely chudsad
I looked "her" up the other day and she's as beautiful as ever hasn't aged a day. Living in a big city totally by herself. Started her own charity and works with kids. Never married. Never had kids. Practically crying out for a man. But I'm married and have 2 kids now with a woman I can hardly stand.... Life...
>Truman is going to the smoke shop>Truman bought more nitrous>sir, its before noon on a work day>Truman is going to the liquor store next>sir, he doesn't have much money>Truman will buy the cheapest 40 ounce of miller high life, and a handful of 99 cent rotgut swill nips
Its a Truman wants to hike down to the little town down south and shit in their water supply/burn their goods shed episode
>>219884518It's the most watched show in their world
>>219878080>Message girl I used to sit behind in math ten years ago>Arrange meet up with ease>She's working at a weed shop one kilometer up the road from our high school>Look up chad who hated me>he died when he was 18 apparentlyI'm alright
>>219888476This actually happens.Some days I leave my house and they ensure that I am made to believe that my country's population has been wholesale replaced by a vertical slice of the populations of India and Bangladesh so I don't feel like going outside againThen randomly one day it'll all be young happy white families and look like Canada again It's a coin toss I'm through with trying to explain it rationally
>>219883988>cram the feed full of adshey wait a minute...
>>219878350>Now show that same kid married his childhood crush. Don't let him get too comfortable.
>>219884518If you watch the movie, they say at the beginning that he's the first person to be legally adopted by a corporation.
>Have the girl from high school that was crushing on him very hard but he didn't understand the signals contact him on social media>Sir, he's opening her DM>Perfect, make sure there are no interruptions as he reads about her happy and fulfilled life, zoom in... ZOOM IN, get his expression when she asks how he's been doing>Beautiful...
>have his first love totally remove themselves from the Internet
>>219878080>look up girlfriend I had in highschool>she's fat now>retroactively spoils my fond memories of herDon't do it guys.
