Anonymous
04/28/26(Tue)17:38:02 No.220131652

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Anonymous 04/28/26(Tue)17:38:02 No.220131652

>Be me
>At opening night of Hotel Transylvania 2
>Cinema is packed with toddlers and exhausted parents
>Mavis reveals she’s pregnant
>Something snaps in my brain
>The internal logic of the Genndy Tartakovsky cinematic universe collapses
>Stand up on the seat like a deranged gargoyle
>"ABSOLUTELY NOT."
>Theater goes silent
>Screen glows against my cargo shorts
>"SHE IS A VAMPIRE! SHE IS UNDEAD!"
>Point accusingly at Dracula
>"HOW DOES THE MITOSIS OF A CORPSE FACILITATE GESTATION, YOU HACKS?!"
>Moms are covering their kids' ears
>"BIOLOGICALLY IMPOSSIBLE! THE BLOOD FLOW IS NON-EXISTENT! IS THE FETUS FEEDING ON LACK OF PULSE!?"
>Teenage usher runs down the aisle with a flashlight
>"Sir, please sit down or leave"
>Reach into my cargo pocket
>Pull out the now empty Voodoo Ranger I snuck in
>"VAMPIRES DON'T HAVE PROCREATIVE VIABILITY, KEVIN!!"
>Yeet the bottle with the precision of an MLB pitcher
>Perfect headshot on the usher
>He goes down like a sack of flour
>Crowd starts screaming
>Dracula on screen is smiling at a baby monitor
>"LOOK AT HIM! HE’S A FRAUD! A GENETIC ANOMALY!"
>Security tackles me through the emergency exit
>Get banned from every AMC in the tri-state area
>Doesn't matter
>Saved the sanctity of monster lore
Vampires can't have kids, Anon.
They just can't.