am extremely insecure about my ability to play competitive video games to the point of contemplating suicide. There, I said it.My partner doesn't know what to do. I don't know what to do. And I'm scared of talking to a therapist for fear of having to go back to the psych ward.When I was a kid, my older half brother (who was an adult) would scream, and I mean SCREAM, at me when I didn't do good enough at a video game. Especially if we were playing co-op or taking turns on single player. If we were playing competitive, it was even worse; he would laugh at me, make a show out of how easy it was to beat me, and generally make me feel like shit. This started from the time I was about 4 years old and he was 19, and continued for over a decade.I never had any talents. In school, I was always the last to finish my tests, and would still fail them. In sports, I was the worst. All of them. In gym class, I would always finish last. And when I came home to play video games, I would do terribly.
I thought I would grow out of it. I really did. Years passed. Probably my lowest moment was when I played EVE Online as a teenager. For two years, on a daily basis, I poured HOURS into attempting to master solo PvP. In those two years of daily play, I managed to get three kills. Three. Fucking. Kills. And countless failures. I'm probably one of the worst people to ever play the game. When I was about 17, I died in EVE Online again. It was 4am and I finally lost it. I typed in chat that I was going to kill myself because I was a worthless piece of shit who should die.The following morning, I woke to a phone call. I learned the police were knocking on doors in my neighborhood, looking for me. My neighbors directed them to my house and I answered the door. It was a wellness check. I explained that I was just caught up in the heat of the moment and wasn't actually going to kill myself. They left me alone. They also talked with my parents who were absolutely livid. It was one of the most embarrassing experiences of my entire life.
Eventually my friend group found out, and I was the target of bullying at school. They would ask me, "Do you suck at EVE Online?" And laugh as I had a panic attack.Years went by. I'm 27 now, and I have a partner. I still play multiplayer games, almost nightly. Mostly FPS games. And I suck at them. Not quite the worst, but damn close. And it doesn't make sense, because I pour hours into them, read up on player guides, and generally put tons of effort into getting better. I have over 200hrs in Overwatch and I'm still one of the worst players I know.Sometimes I cry, and my partner catches me. Or I come into work with tears in my eyes. And I lie, and say I was crying about something else. But my partner knows. As for work, I could never tell them, because they'd probably just laugh at me. Everyone who knows thinks it's just pathetic. And it is, it really is. But they could never understand. I can't just play single player. I NEED to compare myself to others. On the rare occasion that I do exceptionally well, I feel ecstatic, euphoric, confident. And that's really all I want; to feel exceptional at something, to make up for all the things I'm the worst at. But I'll never, ever find something I'm good at. I'll always be the worst. God made me as a laughingstock, a pathetic example for other people to point and laugh at. And I've accepted that. One day I'll die and hopefully I'll end up in a place where there's no more suffering. Does anyone else have this? Am I not alone?
Fucking retard, you are supposed to put effort in something else. Go off yourself in mi- in Eve already you whiny attention whore.>muh no talent
>>1343064You don't fucking understand. You probably have talents you can take pride in. I have nothing. I'm a fucking shitstain on humanity and only cause disappointment to those around me.
>>1343065You are just wallowing in your own pity. Woe me.Let go off the talent nonsense. It's possible to put effort in something, and still be shit in whatever hobby. Talent is for middle school after that it's just hobbies you put time in. And it doesn't matter how good you are your hobby, because it is a hobby.
>>1343065Start volunteering. Work at a soup kitchen, read to sick kids, pick up trash on the side of the road, donate food and clothes, there's tons of things you can do that don't require skill, but effort.
>>1343070What if I'm bad at EVERYTHING I try, though? I've tried things other than video games. I've tried programming, art, making videos, editing videos, graphic design, writing, math, and web design. I'm shit at all of it. Terrible. The fucking WORST. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. I'm a useless piece of shit the world would be better off without.
>>1343073Kill yourself then. I tried this mommy! Yiu just put in time and slowly improve. You will improve slower than others, you probably won't improve at all with a defeatist attitude who easily gives up, because you are a retard.Kill yourself alreadt
>>1343077You'll never understand what it's like. I try and try and try and never get better. It's actually fucking amazing. I should become an hero
>>1343081You can't even do that you'll give up half way or not even start at all. Asshole
>>1343092You're right
>>1343081>>1343073>>1343094You can still make a difference in your community without being particularly skilled at anything.
>>1343062You have depression and you coped with childhood trauma by blaming yourself, same boat here. You get shit on incessantly for years and you assume something about you is fundamentally broken. Nobody since has bothered to stop and look at why you are the way you are. What you need is some confidence, something to call your own. Like doing the laundry or washing dishes, do something worthwhile once a day for a week or two. Or go for a walk every day for a week or two, just something. And stick to it. If you can't do that start with half a week, if you can maybe try doing a little more. See a therapist if you can afford it, you need someone to listen to you and give you the space to speak honestly without judgement. Remember progress is progress, doesn't matter how small, so long as you believe you can get better you will get better. If you don't believe yet, do the work anyway, don't have to be ecstatic to do the laundry. But yeah, don't worry about what you can't do, work with what you can do. You just need that little bit of wiggle room to crawl out of your pit of despair, one step at a time.
>>1343417Oh and stop playing competitive games so much, they're bad for you. Even people who can regulate their mood get worn down.
>>1343060csgokillyourself faggot do it
>>1343417Thank you anon. I've been working out lately, nothing serious, like 30min every other day. But hopefully it'll give me something to live for.I will look for a therapist. Thank you for your advice.
>>134351730 min of fitness 3-4 times a week is a great start anon. That's good hustle, keep it up.
>>1343060>My partner doesn't know what to do>My partnerThe only person that's going to remember you for blowing the retake on B site Cache is you. People will give you shit for sucking but nobody remembers. I used to get mad all the time at my teammates for sucking, but I can't recall any of their names. If you're gonna kill yourself over some 7-15 performance, your partner will leave you and always refer to you as "that weird one" and that's the real fumble here.
OP here, I just made big progress. I found out that increasing my caffeine intake helps me perform. I drank 3 low calorie energy drinks today and fucking killed it in Overwatch. 3 games straight with top damage. Even played a ranked match which is huge progress for me, I never play ranked because of my insecurity. I might have ADD, stimulants seem to really help me function. I also have Tourettes and OCD which commonly appear alongside ADD/ADHD. I might just need to see a doctor and get a new script, it's possible I've been misdiagnosed and that's why I've been a fuck up all my life.
>>1343913ADHD here. Stimulant prescription for 20+ years. I don't suck at everything if I don't take meds. I just have motivation issues if it's not a fire.
OP, you have some serious internal messaging problems. You keep telling yourself "i'm a worthless fuckup", which, because it is yourself saying this, makes you think it is true. You need to find a way to divert that train of thought away from these specific negative thoughts.more generally, go out there and find something worthwhile to pour your time and effort and energy into. no, not competitive videogames, literally anything else. literally everything on the internet is temporary, fleeting, and forgotten as soon as it's over so there is no lasting satisfaction or pride or self-meaning to be gained from anything on the tubes.you bitch and moan about how much you suck and you have no talent; you suck because you quit shortly after failing for the first (or third, or tenth...) time, and you have no talent because you don't practice (because you quit due to being self-conscious about how much you think you suck). you currently have nothing to be proud of because you, yourself, have not yet made anything (or gained anything) that you can feel proud about. learn a trade or a skill, practice a hobby. do some gardening and watch your plants grow, or pick up warhammer and take pride in your intricately detailed mini painting. it doesn't matter what you're doing or how good you are at it as long as you're enjoying it.if you're playing overwatch and only just now discovering your unmedicated ADHD and the power of OTC stimulants then you're still pretty young. i'd guess maybe under 20, certainly under 25. you have an entire lifetime ahead of you to set yourself right and start accomplishing things, so it's shortsighted and stupid to think that you're always going to be a fuckup, forever, just because you felt like one for the last 10 years. you've got five times that long to un-do your fuckups and the hardest part of that is mustering the effort to even try.
>>1344307This anon says it perfectly. You make not doing well in video games part of your self worth and it fucks with your ego. Find other things to build your self worth up outside of it so when you do bad in something competitive, you wont feel so self defeated. If you put your worth into doing well in a video game, your setting urself up for failure. You might also find that the more confident you are holistically, the better you become when you do come back to playing again, and doing bad wont hurt you as much cause you have other things to fall back on. I resonate with OP with Apex Legends, and eventually building myself up in other areas of my life realized being “good” at Apex meant nothing.
>>1343060Suicide is bad ass. Everyone will think you're cool of you pull it off.
>>1344307>>1344924Thank you guys. I'm starting to realize that working more is making my anxiety weaker. I feel like I have a purpose beyond just being shit at everything. So there's that.
your problem is pride OP. I have the same issues. Being talented at something won't fix it either because you'll still always be inferior to someone else. The answer for your problem is to quit being so proud and seek humility. Pride is the deadliest sin because of how it isolates it
>>1343060Everyone has different talents, most league and csgo players are silver and below, u don't need to be good ay every game, u don't even need to be good to have fun in a game, it's okay to vent frustrations
>>1343060>would scream, and I mean SCREAM, at me when I didn't do good enough at a video gameyou deserved it bitch
>>1343065Become a support healslut and take the pinkpill.
