I'm about to turn 21, and ever since I was 13/14 I have been suicidal. Sometimes it’s more intense than other times, but the feeling is always there. I love life; I see the beauty and the wonderful things this world and my mind have, but I nonetheless have a near-constant, distinct desire to die. I’ve never done it because I feel that nothing good can come from that action. I feel that whatever waits for me on the other side is challenging my grit. I was wondering if anyone knows of any reason this might be happening. I saw a thread here a few days ago I think mentioning death and I toyed with the thought I could be some sort of acolyte of death wanting to go home or something. I don’t think this is it, but it has made me want to open the floor to any supernatural causes of this strong want to perish.I'm not sure if it’s related, but I might as well mention it. I had a near-death experience a couple of years ago, and my only real retrospective on it is that I wonder why I didn’t die.
>>38438785Some Ego's have a drive to die.Watch some videos from this Guy, he often talks about it.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GULH9voMMBc&t=552shttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=APGyK0WzxscAlso Eckhart Tolle.
I do, but I am unpaid. This is the world. What is good is what is permanent. What is evil is what is temporary. The world is neither.
>>38438785Anon, you exist as a consciousness or spirit (take your pick) but you're a biological being and your body has led you for 99% of your life. Your body is your temple. Get some tests done to check your B vitamin levels. There's a confirmed link between low B6/B12 levels and depression. Treat your body and your mind/soul will be better able to flourish.
>>38438813>Also Eckhart Tolle.You mean that ambitious fuck who makes millions telling other people to be happy with just the moment? Rethink your support of such people.
Existential anxiety is what the call of the kingdom of heaven sounds like. The kingdom seems to be calling for you but it’s ringing is only symbolism and not literal. Its call for you manifests as death, pray on this or meditate your choice. Search for the answer within. Any answer we outside may give will only confuse you further because this call is for you.
>>38438785Welcome to life. It’s not going to go away, drugs might mask it but the side effects aren’t worth it. Your goal is to get used to it bucko.
Idk but I one time did 4 whippets at once and I encountered energies I was sure I knew before I was born and continued to be with above the level of conscious awareness. They imparted to me that this was what death was like and that I could come home any time I wanted and wouldn't be in trouble. It was a weird experience, on the way there I felt an intense pressure to study mathematics(something I have never cared for). I think something broke in my brain at some point because I have had the intuition that I'm just wasting time suffering here since I was a teenager. I don't want to kill myself, but I struggle to figure out what I have to gain a lot of the time.
>>38438785Read or not, I care not, but I have been there most of my life. Your struggle is so hard for so little gain and also to have no one care about your successes. People who don't know really don't know.As to why we're this way, who tf knows. It could be chance biology, situational, or something else.Given that I'm significantly older than you, I've found the will to live. Spoiler: it involves a whole lot of personal gaslighting until you actually feel better with existence. It's not sudden. It's gradual and is a lot of fucking work to get to normie level of life-acceptance and will to exist. It has its pros though.
>>38438785you may wish to be dead.but not to die.but not to kill yourself.the world you seeexists because of something else.Does being alive cut you off from that?or maybe not feeling it is already a death in itself.idk
>>38438785You never read Albert Camus and Emil Cioran yet.
>>38438785>since I was 13/14>about to turn 21Sorry to be the one to tell you this anon, but this is not paranormal. You are describing puberty. Should alleviate by the time your frontal lobe finishes cooking around 25 if you can last the next 4 years without fucking up your life.
>>38440032Do you mean to say this is normal?
>>38440175If it has its pros does it have its cons?
>>38440730I've been hospitalized before for this shit and the way the psych and general staff there talked about it does not lead me to believe this is just puberty.
>>38440717not OP but I love Camus. where should I statt with Cioran? never heard of him
