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Apart from the GOTT, here are a few things you can do _today_ to make your life a little better. Keep a diary and write down every success. Some you may do as often as you please, but write down each one individually! You deserve it! Do not feel pressured to do all, but feel free to select one or two!

- prepare 1 load of laundry
- do 1 load of laundry
- read one page of a book or manga you have been putting off
- cook yourself a meal, or try learn to make a simple dish
- eat a meal
- pick up items on the floor for 5 minutes
- make your bed
- if you have a bad habit, try making it more inconvenient (putting things in hard to reach places for example)
- do the dishes for 3 minutes
- write down one thing you are grateful for (from abstract things to something like a cute image you saw)
- Clean up 1m^2 of your floor (~40x40 in)
- Open your window for 10-20 minutes
- try to exercise for 5 min (walk outdoors, walking stairs, whatever you wish)
- take out the trash
- drink a glass of water
- put one item of trash in the bin
- reach out to an online contact
- BONUS: Repeat a goal to hit a milestone (1 book chapter rather than a page, the laundry pile, the floor of one room, etc)


Unofficial group chats maintained by kind anons of /sig/:
IRC: https://kiwiirc.com/nextclient/irc.rizon.net/#/lgbt/sig
Discord: https://discord.gg/MKVMqfkkpS

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New thread but I'm still as miserable as ever and I can't do what I need to do to improve my life. It's over! Though at least I'm still drawing instead of just slop moding so I'm improving at something very slightly I guess.
thread goal: I cleaned my mouse does that count :c

>>36399036
>thread goal: I cleaned my mouse does that count :c
Can you go the extra mile and extend that to your (presumed) desk?

>>36398473
Show me /yourdudes/ OP
You better have them

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>>36399354
I regret to inform you that my Dark Mechanicum and Skaven are all in various stages of assembly at the moment, and my rapidly oscillating interest between 40K and AoS is not conducive to comprehensive completion...
Perhaps, once a certain long-spanning, vexatious distraction — the identity of which I shan't divulge — has passed, time will once more be available for hobbying.

>>36399451
I kinda like Vash, he's kind of a breath of fresh air because honestly otherwise Chaos hasn't been feeling Chaotic enough for me.

>>36364157
Grandma was feeling better yesterday. Messed up my elbow badly. Second medical thing in first week. Phone doc appt next week. Might need to make a doc appt for the elbow too. Had to mostly use just one arm today. More risks that they won't want me. Might be paying for bad karma. I hope things get better with grandma. I hope all my close and loved ones are well. I hope things work out for me too. Sorry.

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Thread goal #1:Did well enough at work that my boss respects me a bit more these days
Thread goal #2:Cleaned my room a bit and then a bit of the bathroom and hall
Thread goal #3:Reached Calorie limit for the day and wont be eating more

Thread goal for tomorrow: Shower, selfcare and voice train.
Cya then.

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pg 8 bump.
Today I ordered some meds and shampoo and skincare to replace my empty bottles and jars. Using money always makes me feel guilty but I'm getting better about it.
My covid is slowly easing up. There have been some serious health issues in my close family again that have me feeling useless for not being able to help.
These days I can speak a little, so I've tried talking to my friends online.
I'm not doing great but I'm trying.

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Thank you so much theta for making a new thread. I will write up responses tomorrow, today was incredibly busy and I fell asleep when I finally had a break, I need some time to recuperate.

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>>36403065
hope u doing ok

>>36403277
bump

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Bump

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Bumo

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Good morning.

bump

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Coping.
You have a problem. You know what you need to do to make your life better. But you can't do it right now! The best option is to solve the problem, but you can't do it yet! So how do we get by so anxious, so miserable? So this is coping, huh? Figuring out how to get by, pass the time.

Most people suggest things to distract or express. I say it's a lot of learning to let go. Relax. Forgive yourself. Accept imperfection.

https://unsee
cc/album#YvBP4H2Sc063

manmoder. besides the obvious “lose weight” what should i work on? i need to do something with my hair but idk what

>>36410829
Not hurting yourself :(
But yeah lose some weight and workout so you dont look pudgy. Hard to tell what would be good hair wise just take care of it, i like using a hair mask instead of conditioner and i have goddess hair

Last year, around October, I got drunk and tried to hang myself like 3 times. I was so burnt out from school, and I just wanted to have a break, but it just kept going and going and I had this thought like, this is how the rest of my life is gonna go. I'm always gonna be an underachiever, not because I'm incompetent as a rule, but because I don't know how to pace myself, and burn out quickly. So that's when I drank myself into suicide attempts. I survived, but I didn't have the guts to talk to anyone at the college about it, so I just sorta stopped going to class suddenly and haven't registered again since. I picked up weed as a coping mechanism and it made me really happy. It felt like my life gained purpose with weed. I wanted to maybe make a career out of weed. All I did for months was smoke or vape weed and make copious amounts of porn. So then I had a manic episode and ended up in the psych ward. They started me on a mood stabilizer and took me off the stimulant I was on. I'm on a non-stimulant ADHD med now and I'm not allowed to have any THC anymore. It's been tough. The mood stabilizer (risperidone) causes sexual dysfunction, so I haven't been making any porn lately. The suicidal thoughts have come back. It's just so hard to get through daily life. Bathing is difficult for me to get through when it used to be one of my favorite things. I'm gonna get a gene test to find out what medications I'll respond well to so I can get on something to help me. For now, I'm thinking maybe CBD will help, since weed helped me so much before (except when it didn't).

>>36410868
>not hurting yourself
impossible sadly

i’ll look into hair masks tho

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>>36410929
Your mind may immediately rush to say something bad to yourself. That's fine. Let it happen. But then respond to it, tell that voice that it's wrong. You can start small telling the voice that it's not necessary and not helpful. Maybe it's just an opinion, not true.

>>36410597
In balance. Easy to get trapped doing this, as more things pile up or existing things become worse. Challenge urself if u feel capable. Ty for the reminder tho, I need to try a d be more compassionate towards myself.

>>36410929
Dont get anything expensive. Try a few different products if you dont love it. I use eva nyc, its a pink container :)

>>36410914
Sounds like you formed an unhealthy relationship with weed. I would try to identify why and what caused it, if you can treat your mental issues with it instead of scripts you will be doing your brain a big favor in the long run. As for burnout, thats just how you operate. Seems like 2 things are going on, 1 is that youre disorganized! Work on a schedule that works for you. And 2 is likely that youre not into what youre studying. You can switch major, trust me you wont regret it. Find something you actually are excited about learning. Youre stressing yourself out and getting stressed about stress on top of it. Thats no way to live, and im sure you can find a better way :)

my form of self-improvement will be never going outside again

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Tomorrow I am on my way back home. I'm pretty spent but maybe I'll catch up later.

Reminder that TRUE self improvement means repressing sexual identity and gender if it is not CisHet.

>What is better: to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?

I speak from experience, there is no soul in lgbt relationships, no love. Just lust and hollow desire. No future and no hope.

You know what has beauty? Being what nature intended naturally, to love the opposite sex, to match your birth sex.

i made myself a man and straight because i wanted to, it is absolutely a choice. I value social status, normality and the laws of nature more than some vice born of vanity or lust or weakness.

Most people are just weak and refuse to think “i can do this, i can be better, i can change.”

>>36412178
i go outside everyday, i speak to strangers everyday, who ask me about my life and myself. I have to charm and network with clients to do my job and present with confidence to close the deal.

You cant do that as a freak. I was a shut in loser when i followed your ways and “loved” myself.

And yet when i did everything the big bad right wing told me to do? my life improved, i got money, i got friends, i got connection. People like me, i get invited to things, i laugh, i dont feel anxiety or depression and all it took was accepting i have to be accountable and cant act like a petty child and let the emotional circuits win.

Queerness is a legit disease, but it can be cured if the patient actually wants to get better.

>>36413698
Oh, where to begin with this misguided manifesto of self-imposed repression? True self-improvement means embracing one's true self, not repressing it. Your notion that LGBT relationships lack love is baseless. Love and connection are not exclusive to CisHet relationships.

Nature is diverse; homosexuality and gender fluidity exist in many species. Sexual orientation and gender identity are intrinsic, not mere lifestyle choices. You say you made yourself a man and straight because you wanted to, as if sexual orientation and gender identity are mere lifestyle choices rather than intrinsic aspects of who we are. This reeks of self-denial and internalized prejudice. Just because you forced yourself into a mold doesn't mean everyone else should or even can.

Valuing social status and "normality" over one's true self reeks of self-denial and internalized prejudice. True strength lies in embracing who you are, not conforming to outdated ideals.

People are not weak for living their truth despite bigotry. Your arguments are steeped in prejudice, misunderstanding, and self-loathing.

>>36413843
Thats literally how they indoctrinate you into a cult

>>36413847
Did you stop to think that my true identity is repression, that i gain happiness and purpose from it? I actually enjoy it, it feeds my ego to repress, knowing i have fooled the world and reap the benefits and everyday i win another victory over a disease controlled by discipline. It actually gives me dopamine and endorphins to be homophobic/transphobic, its a sick joke to me, to play on the winning team when your agenda would have me as the loser.

I defied the pathetic fate you wanted for me. I carved my own destiny and rejected a false idea.

I am a unique case, i doubt the rest of you have the willpower and mindset to pull it off, and the psychopathy required to get a thrill of your own self hate/self love fusion. I dont deny anything, i simply refuse to act on something i find morally wrong.

I am not an npc drone like the rest of my generation, i saw their pathetic, kumbaya circle bullshit and decided “I would rather win, and have a life of meaning, success and true pride.”

>>36414000
a cult contained in my own head?

Its basic science

input=output
different input= different output

i saw the difference myself. I gave your ways a chance when i was young and stupid, compared and found my way was better. I didnt have to accept you.

>>36414102
So, your true identity is repression, and you gain happiness from it? Let's dissect that. It’s one thing to find purpose in discipline, but quite another to derive joy from harming others and yourself. Claiming to enjoy homophobia and transphobia is a deeply troubling sign of internal conflict, not strength.

You speak of fooling the world and winning victories, but what are you really winning? Suppressing your true self for social approval is not a victory; it’s a surrender to societal pressure. The dopamine and endorphins you get from hate are temporary highs masking a deeper dissatisfaction.

You reject the idea of being your true self as a "pathetic fate." But defying your authentic identity isn’t carving a destiny; it’s denying it. True strength and courage come from embracing who you are, not from hiding behind a facade of repression and hate.

You claim to be unique in your ability to suppress yourself and thrive on it. But this "psychopathy" you describe is a form of self-harm, not a badge of honor. It’s not about willpower; it’s about fear—fear of being vulnerable, fear of rejection, fear of living authentically.

You’re not an NPC drone for rejecting conformity, but neither are those who embrace love, acceptance, and their true selves. True meaning, success, and pride come from self-acceptance and authenticity, not from masking self-loathing with superficial victories over imagined enemies.

In the end, your arguments reveal a person deeply conflicted, using hate as a shield against vulnerability. It’s time to look inward and find true strength in acceptance and self-love, rather than in the hollow victories of repression and prejudice.

>>36414102
>i just did what they told me and i gained their acceptance, surely they were right all along and not just withholding acceptance to get me to behave accordingly

Trying to quit cigarettes for surgery. Any tips?

>>36414172
I would rather reign in hell than serve in heaven. my path gives me control and power. yours makes you subject to authorities for your mere right to exist and makes you a victim. But me? a White Man, i get to be the villain, theres nothing above this level, its peak social status. why would i ever give that up? while the rest of you are an underclass, rejected and looked upon like diseased lepers.

I have other delusional ideas of the ego, but i am not going to indulge in them and share them with the world, just like sexuality and gender. they serve no purpose.


>acceptance and self love
that is weakness and naivety. You want to play therapist?

I’ll tell you. long ago when i was ignorant and carefree, as a child, i became aware of the worlds expectations for me.

I socialised with girls at a young age, this was bad parenting and confused my sense of identity made me a target. And while it was painful, it awoke a part of me that has protected me ever since and been the cause of every success i have in life.

Those who teased me ended up as the victims, and i was the winner.


>>36414313
no one knows but me, these are my observations.

>>36414456
Youre very low iq. I hope no one is influenced by your posts.

>>36414456
so you’d rather reign in hell than serve in heaven, seeking control through villainy? embracing hate and dominance isn’t true power; it’s a fragile facade hiding deep insecurities. true power comes from lifting others up, not pushing them down. your disdain for acceptance and self-love as weakness is misguided. real power is authenticity, not being a villain. your childhood experiences shaped you, but choosing bitterness over growth is not strength, it’s fear. dismissing acceptance and self-love as delusions is ignoring true self-improvement. your path may give temporary control, but it’s a lonely, joyless existence. real success comes from building a life of meaning and connection. it’s never too late to choose a path fostering true strength and fulfillment, rather than isolation and hostility.

>>36414456
The word which commences a sentence should be capitalized.

>>36414823
i’m not bitter irl, just when i have to interact with you people. You truly sicken me. You think your defects are something to be proud of.

While i am a product of working on weaknesses and building strengths.
I am very happy around normal people, and i navigate social situations easily now because i have broad appeal as a identity.

besides success and lgbt dont go together. Never me one who wasnt poor.

>>36414902
>hates trannies
Oh and why are trannies always so poor?
Just kys faggot

>>36414931
because you waste time and money on an impossible task, only for no one to hire you because you trigger the fight or flight response when you meet people.

A beautiful lie is more useful in this world than a ugly truth, thats how the world works.

Tranners lack self control, restrain and discipline, if you cant control your emotions, you cant control your life. a good work ethic requires sacrifice and dedication to a higher objective moral goal, not an emotional want.”

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pg9
Thinking of nature as something without flaws feels kind of silly.

>>36412976
Take your time sig-anon. I hope you rest well.

>>36414371
This is only based on what I've heard others say, but apparently for some substituting cigarettes with something else that goes in your mouth can help. Aside from vapes I know gum is popular choice. Other than that I've met people who used toothpicks (to chew on) and lollipops.
There are also those medicated gums and band-aids that can supposedly help, but to be honest I havent met anyone who liked them.

i have to do my injection but im too afraid of the small pain

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So last night I went to the speed dating event I mentioned. It was less structured than I was expecting. Instead of pairing people up to speak to each other for a few minutes at a time, everyone was just mingling casually. I was able to have a few nice conversations all the same. Definitely a great place to go back to.

As the event was wrapping up, I started talking with another transwoman who came in late. We hit it off as friends immediately, and went to a couple of other nearby bars together to hang out more.

She had this amazing magnetism. People approached her and introduced themselves all night, and we both met a lot of new people that way. My new friend was very well put together, and she mentioned being stealth at her last job. But I don’t think it was just her looks. I think I could learn something from her about being more confident and outgoing.

So, I made a cool new friend. We intend to go out together more in the future. The break in my social life I was hoping for finally happened. Here’s to trying again if at first you don’t succeed.

>>36417758
I completely understand. My advice is, don’t wait to feel ready. Just put some hormones in a needle now. The sooner you get to it, the faster it will be over.

Do it scared. I had to put the needle down and pick it up again a couple of times for my last shot.

>>36417931
i will do it scared ;; idk why i am so afraid when it doesn't really hurt too much most of the time... it is just very daunting still

>>36417931
i did it...! it hurt less than normal ;; but a big drop of blood came out... which doesnt normally happen when i do it :( thank you for encouraging me

>>36418163
Congratulations! I know once you’ve done it it’s tempting to worry about how well you did it, but don’t. The hormones are inside you now and that’s all that needed to happen. They’ll start making you feel better now.

>>36418163
Good job, anon ;-; You doing it even though it was scary made me happy
I should be switching to injections too but I'm scared and might get fricked over by my insurance for switching.

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>>36417881
panty anon is doing so AWESOME ! ! ! does that mean you're dating this girlie??? VERY IMPRESSIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WISH I COULD BE COOL LIKE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

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>>36418401
>does that mean you're dating this girlie?
I’m pretty sure we both just want to be friends. But we did meet at what was called a “speed dating” event and go to other bars together after that, so I understand the confusion. Still, definitely a big socializing W for me and I haven’t had one of those in a bit.

I really appreciate the compliment. If you want to be like me, look for opportunities to meet LGBT people IRL, and be ready to talk to new people. A little patience and courage is all you need.

I’ll say one other thing: Making small talk with strangers was much better than doomscrolling. I’ve spent a lot of time on social media lately, feeling like the world already sucks and all that’s left is finding out how much worse it can get. But there’s more to life than screen. Easy to forget, important to remember.

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>>36419215
I think I am too afraid of socializing to socialize or exist in real meat space and am too afraid to be known personally in real life.... Real life friends are just not for me! Because my self esteem and confidence is too low

>>36413843
Ignoring the crypto-transphobia - it's interesting just how much isolation affects one's social skills. Like how badly you can slide backwards in interpersonal interactions if you stop having them. Unsurprising but fascinating to me nonetheless.

sry 4 late replies, been a very stressful 3 days
what my therapist said really threw me into a spiral but I was able to catch myself and regulate a bit
since then I've managed to reach out to a local trans peer support group (waiting on response but its weekend so) and contact my surgeon with some concerns (making progress there again)
i'm excited on hearing back from the peer support group since I don't know any trans people irl and everyone I know around me is transphobic
>>36390389
ty anon, it's complicated and I honestly don't know if he's shit or not
some of the things he's said and done have made me feel quite bad and I usually leave sessions feeling worse
he's new/in-training and currently under supervision so I cut him some slack
>>36391986
>it is extremely unprofessional for him to pressure you like this
ty both anons for confirming, I feel like some of what he's done is pushing the boundaries of appropriate conduct
i'll try bringing it up with him in our next session, I feel like our rapport is back at square one now and it's something that needs to be addressed
>What is it he would like to see improved?
i'm not sure honestly, it felt like a comment made out of frustration
i feel like i'm not trying hard enough, or not making enough tangible progress towards my goals
i might try revising my goals next session since they seem too "grand" so to speak, this conflict bought up some ideas in my head that seem more achievable and better-oriented
>Does he consider you uncooperative or something?
i feel so, in a way
i've been trying very hard this time around, doing all the homework - diaries, practicing skills, etc etc.
i think our rapport is poor and these past few weeks i've been under extreme stress while reliving old trauma, so it's possible he's frustrated and blinded by that
or potentially is trying to "challenge" me by lighting a fire under my arse - I did admit that tangible consequences are a bit part of motivation in ADHD xd

>>36414813
Nah I got influenced. They explain themselves eloquently and I might detrans unironically.

>>36421089
If you need only magniloquence to be swayed, then I implore you to engage in a bout of interlocution with me — I've a raised, path-bearing structure awaiting your purchase.

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Bump.

I wanted to ask for help but I’m really only asking for attention
I dunno how to get better
I’m just stuck in the same loop
It all feels too late
And all I want to do is give up on everything
I keep saying I should do creative things but I never start
Voice training? Never start.
Anything positive? Never start. Just looping.
Abd I feel like utter shit too. Abd so very alone as all my friendships feel as distant as they always have been. I just have not hung to offer abd nothing to give.
Sorry incredibly boring rant aside, at least I have kept up with a few points of self care but again it feels pointless. Idk. Sorry

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Bump Thy Maid

>>36421063
we're getting a one-sided view of the situation but it does sound like he might just be a bad fit for you fundamentally, and possibly also a bad therapist who's in the line of work for the paycheck expecting issues to solve themselves just by going through the motions of Doing Licensed Therapy
keep doing your best, and keep trying to error-check yourself, but also remember that therapists aren't and can't be good fits for every single client they get and it's okay to go find another who meshes with you better

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made it home safely.

>>36425098
Welcome home anone

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Bump.

this is the terminal boymoder anon who doesn't really know what they're doing, posting again for some vague sense of acknowledgment and accountability. please excuse me

have had some bad patches and it all still feels kind of pointless/hopeless but things are still kind of happening I guess. I've maintained my exercise and cooking, bought a few bits of clothing, got my hair cut. still not sure how a useless piece of shit like me is going to find some work, will probably be speaking to people at the university about that

>>36422459
it may be useful to break your goals into smaller bits that feel less daunting to start. so "start voice training" becomes "locate voice training guide", "read/watch voice training guide", "practice techniques for x amount of time", etc. this also leaves the option open to stop midway while still feeling like you've accomplished something

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I wanna try making frens but making contact is so scary. Starting anything is too scary

>>36428261
Learn how to handle anxiety.

Every time i bring it (my feelings of femininity) t to my mum she reminds me that I have several mental disorders and Im far too young. If I try to present as transgender in my rural town Im mocked and if I were to say wear makeup or watch romances I have
- a veteran male role model (mom's boyfriend) who knows I like guns but doesn't know anything else
- a seven year old sister ("louie, why do you have eyeliner? you're a boy")
- brothers who love to tease me
- a mom who loves to remind me trrans kids and teens are often suicidal in the ER (I know, consider the following: *so do idiots who set gasoline on fire*)

My friends support me except for one but he thinks that as a transwannabe I have more sense than many of the woke people he sees, so that's cool, plus one of my school teachers calls kids by preferred names (i like adelaide and lucy, the latter reserved for another transwannabe to call me)

But Im still boxed in to the back of a car thinking heavily on what being a girl feels like. Id like help with ideas on what I can do to entertain or supress these feelings. Desparately.

>>36428516
I can relate to some extent, I'm a very, very feminine man. If you think you can change your sex (your sex is your gender), there's something seriously wrong with your intelligence or knowledge. Anyway, "transition" isn't a real solution. Long-term studies looking at "SRS" show mental health doesn't improve.

I am now 158 pounds down from 180+.

>>36428720
It isn't possible to be as sexually capable as an afab but it's possible to mimic it
Anyway that's not advice, unless you meant it to be a slap to the face in which case it didnt help

Have a good day though, Im not about to be an ass

>>36428729
Howd you do it? Id like to know

tomorrow i should shower, book an electro appointment, eat modestly to lose weight, get enuf sleep, and send an email to my university. kick me if i don’t

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Bumpe

>>36428516
You wont know until it happens. Youll forget what it was like to not be a girl. Things will just feel right. Im sorry to hear about your situation, trans people are often so misunderstood. Dont let anyone stop you from doing what you need to do to be happy. Its your mind and only you know what you need.

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bump

>>36399785
doc sent me for xrays, xray doc sent me to ER for elbow. very small avulsion fracture maybe, some muscle injury maybe. shoulder on other side hurting more sometimes due to compensating. praying things heal and they like me at work to keep me. praying everything's well with my loved ones too. friend called and we had a great 3h call. visited only irl friend in this country yesterday. I'm hopeful

>>36427191
i like this pic

>>36432122
The writings of Marcus Aurelius are well worth perusing, I say.

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Bump.

>>36434653
wasting time is what i do best thoughtlbeit

>>36428797
ate less

>>36434653
this is the hardest thing to overcome especially when things happen to be literally timegated, even if there are other things that need to be done it's so easy to slip into procrastination by way of waiting

>>36434653
i refuse ill whittle away my life until i die

Gosh I think I alone again. I can’t seem to hold on to friendships at all :/
Worst still…my tits are growing uneven it seems…
How do I fix that? Either one. I just feel like such a fool every time I have to interact with people. Abd they always all seem so uninterested in what I say or feel. Guess that’s what I get for being mentally I’ll and socially inept.

>>36437685
some unevenness is fairly ordinary, even in cis women. it's quite possible things will improve over time, but if it still bothers you after they've finished growing then you could look into topical progesterone
https://youtu.be/qGuvDlYDNzU?t=3554
unfortunately I have no insight on the other issue

goodnight bump, updates tomorrow.

i've been nearly passing out every time i stand up the last few weeks and i feel like i should be more concerned than i am but it's just so normal to me idk

like how concerned should i actually be? because it doesn't really register with me and i feel like that's not supposed to be my reaction, i haven't actually ended up fainting, but i've gotten close a few times

i was actually told to stop working and sit for a minute by one of my coworkers because she saw me get unsteady when i stood up and the concern from her made me realize i might need to take this more seriously

>>36440498
emergency medical attention.

>>36440498
That's considerably worrying. I implore you to seek medical attention.

>>36440498
maybe is postural tachycardia.... go to the doctor...

>>36440543
>>36440694
not really an option unfortunately, sorry

>>36440939
i'll have to ask, i don't even remember when my doctor is next available but i'll try, i looked it up and i'll try to do what i can on my own until whenever that happens

bump
>>36441258
look at refeeding plans in the OP. Be very careful, but try to keep it cool and take care of the doctor as quickly as you can. deal?

>>36440498
You probably just have an iron deficiency but it should be mentioned to your doctor

I should make a plan to lose weight. First part of eating NO junk items is going ok.
Second part is only eating home cooked meals.
Third part is somehow going for a run everyday first thing in the morning...god that sounds impossible.

Bump

Bump from this side too

>>36398473
i had a manic burst of energy and cleaned the whole house top to bottom
now for another 3 months of rotting :)
ive also been hanging out with other tranners and cute tagmap girls!
bery good for my mentals
a big ket binge rly helped too

I wish she’d talk to me again
A selfish wish but I just want her to notice me more like she used too
I guess I did things wrong again
Such is my nature
Push people away by being needy and whiny and stupid.
Sorry for the venting. I’m just not sure what to do.

>>36445561
how do you be social and add people on tag map it is so scary for me and I am afraid of talking to anyone

Bumping

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I can't believe I'm turning 25. I'm going to actually kill myself. There's no point in my life anymore. Sorry everyone

>>36447384
Don’t let the gigayoungshits win anon, 25 is chump change

>>36447384
i didn't start transitioning until 27, you'll be alright

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I AM ALIVE, time to catch up with the old thread first. I had a very difficult week, and I will now slowly catch up with the thread again.
>>36398473 thank you so much theta for helping out, by the way.
>>36393331
>>36440498
Hey b, it's been a while, it sounds like your situation has taken a turn, I am worried.. How is your weight developing? Have you lost recently? Was there anything that has caused a habit you were building to slip?
>>36393566
Glad to hear you are building momentum, anon! Do you have a contact already looked up for the diagnosis bits?
>>36396236
I like that image.
>>36395460
Oh, tell me about your life so far! It seems you are not the only anon with birthday anxiety ITT, you are far from alone, but esp with 20 you are just barely at an age where you get to enjoy actual agency over your life. You can't extrapolate from 80% of your lived experience minimum.
>I'm trying to find myself but the bitch about it is that I don't know if I want to.
You are in a time of continuous change. But.. you are barely recognizable from the person you were 10 years ago. And the change from 10 to 20 is much greater than from 20 to 30. You are way past the scariest part. The first question I'd have is whether you have any plans for the future, or things you would like to work towards long term.
>>36396404
>This is what I should do, basically acting like I have a full time job and then leaving the end of the day
>I'm pretty bad at it right now.
could you walk me through your typical pitfalls?
> I mention what I'm trying to do but most of the time I don't feel like anyone cares.
hmm.. you can help others through helping yourself, I could try make suggestions in that direction.
>>36399036
I am glad you are drawing, and yes cleaning your mouse counts. How are you doing?
>>36399785
>>36432082
I wish you and your loved ones all the best, anon. And of course you a quick recovery!
I hope you know these types of updates are super appreciated, and that I am rooting for you.

>>36432082
left elbow giving warning pains that are like a weaker version of the right one, when I bend it while showering or eating or etc, since sunday
praying I can continue feeding myself and using the toilet and showering independently. doc said wait and see and move within painless range and paracetamol, and consider consulting physio
got appointment for pt on wednesday
I'm not sure if typing or using the phone (all at an arm's length) might be making it worse too
>>36448590
>I wish you and your loved ones all the best, anon. And of course you a quick recovery!
>I hope you know these types of updates are super appreciated, and that I am rooting for you.
thank you siganon, likewise to you and your loved ones

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>>36400999
Awesome, anon! Hope voice training is treating you well.
>>36402852
Hey shinjinon. I am glad you are slowly recovering, a dear friend of mine caught the coof as well this week.
>I'm not doing great but I'm trying.
and by all means, not only succeeding. <3
>>36403277
I'm fine, I was at a conference and it was hellishly busy, with a lot of awful news in my private life hitting me like a shovel to the face, but those all concerned loved ones suffering. Things are slowly improving. I will be okay. Things will be okay... because they must.
And you have all been nothing but sweet and patient with me and my increasing delays and absences. For that I thank you.
>>36410914
>Bathing is difficult for me to get through when it used to be one of my favorite things.
oh, how come? If it is okay to ask.
Also, did you ever receive treatment/support for your adhd besides medication? It seems that habit forming and such is quite important and can help you learn to pace yourself better.
>>36412178
How come, anon?
>>36413698
Anon.. that is extremely brainwormed. All of it. Have you by any chance noticed any signs typically associated with repping, such as memory loss, anxiety, dissociation....?
>>36413843
>Queerness is a legit disease, but it can be cured if the patient actually wants to get better.
bonk. I won't even go into detail about any of this.
>>36414371
There are several things. You can use nic patches to get wane off that, you should look into breathing exercises and things to do outside/go on walks etc to 1) redirect existing habits that rn feed into smoking and 2) fill time times you would have spent smoking with something pleasant and meaningful. It also can help to do the math how much you spend on smokes yearly and such.
>>36416586
I did my best, and it looks like things are slowly looking up...
>>36417758
>>36418163
I'm proud of you anon. It makes me happy that people continue to share their victories here, it matters a great deal to me. You did great!

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>>36417881
Happy to hear you made a meaningful connection, panty.
> Here’s to trying again if at first you don’t succeed.
cheers to that!
>>36425665
Thank you, anon.. I deeply appreciate it.
>>36421063
Oh don't worry, you could respond two a post of mine from two weeks ago and I would go back and re-read what I said if I have to. I think you got it by the way, yes it needs to be addressed, they are there to help you after all, and this kind of shit is not conductive to your well being. Of course, he is only human, but nonetheless is this not how to treat you.
> or not making enough tangible progress towards my goals
what are your goals?
> this conflict bought up some ideas in my head that seem more achievable and better-oriented
ah yes, it's S.M.A.R.T. goals and such. Good call.
>I did admit that tangible consequences are a bit part of motivation in ADHD xd
hmm... it is tricky, in that case maybe having an accountability partner where it matters to you when they are disappointed would help?
>>36422459
You are doing great expressing these things. Would you like us to try and figure out a schedule for something?Can you make "anything positive" more specific?
>>36427429
You are not only acknowledged, I am glad you are using the threaf this way. Your plan seems reasonable, do keep us posted on what they have to say.
>>36428261
The other anon has a point, though maybe we should expand upon it. Remember.. a lot of the scary part can come from feeling unprepared. Try giving us some things you find scary to do, ideally explicit, low hanging fruit things, and we can try to fill in gaps to help you feel prepared.
>>36427429
Well done, anon! What is your target BMI? How close are you? You did amazing already though, 20lb is major progress.
>>36428516
Extremely difficult situation. How long until you can act more independtly you think? Gradiation, moving out, any milestone on the horizon?
>>36428797
We have lotsa resources in the OP link, if you wish I can walk you through!

>>36446177
uuuhh
idk i just do it, its scary till i meet them and its just another lil shy boymoder and we just vibe together and cuddle a lil sometimes
its nice
ive been hanging out with a load of girlmoders too which has been great

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>>36428729
messed up my post in >>36449387, the part about the target bmi was directed at you.
>>36429674
Pinging to ask how it went! Wishing you all the best, and if something didn't work out, remember, we got your back.
>>36437685
>Abd they always all seem so uninterested in what I say or feel. Guess that’s what I get for being mentally I’ll and socially inept.
tell me what you enjoy talking about, and tell me if you have people with similar interests around.
>>36444007
I lost 40+kg without a minute of exercise and a healthy deficit. This does not mean it always works this smoothly but start simple. Remember that even a low deficit will get you to lose weight consistently until your body adjusts (and your hunger with it) for the current intake to no longer be a deficit. Aim for 500kcal deficit for now, calculating with the stuff we have, and enduring it for a couple weeks. Drink plenty water. Allow yourself to have lazy meals but count their cals diligently. I ate some junk too, but junk I knew the cals of. I believe in you. Don't clutter your goal with too many commitments at once, start with a minimum working plan, and refine. It is much easier to start with a wonky plan that is easy to execute and refine it bit by bit.
>>36445561
glad to hear, though the ket binge sounds unfortunate.
It's nice you got to socialize! Do you have any means of trying to get the momentum going?
If you know you have manic/depressive eps, can you get any treatment?
>>36445998
Wanna tell us more about the circumstances? I do believe things can usually be mended far more than you think.
>>36447384
You're young, anon. What do you think is too late?
>>36448736
Definitely be careful with using your arm, but I do think it is also important you have things to keep your mind occupied and sane. Something that is emotionally good for you.
>thank you siganon, likewise to you and your loved ones
thank you anon... sometimes all we can do is cross our fingers and hope for the best, right?

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Okay that was
a lot of posts
brain mush.
Talk to you all tomorrow, I am proud of having managed to respond to everyone (if I missed or messed up a post, do ping). I am a little less verbose this time I feel, but I try my best. If my response is useless, do tell me though, I tried my best to be coherent but if something is outright bad or poorly thought out I do wanna get better.

anyone have ideas on making a bit of extra money? just like $80 here and there or something like that. i'm able bodied and can work pretty hard

>>36443144
i'll take a look, thanks

>>36443152
well we run my labs every time i visit the doctor so we'll check then, but it wasn't alarming the last time i went, though that was a while ago, i'm sure we'll check when i have my next appointment

>>36448590
first! welcome back :)

second! the not fun stuff
>weight
not sure, i don't have a scale and the last time it was checked was at a doctor's appointment that i posted about in sig probably like a year ago, if we're just guessing then it would probably be a safe bet that i've lost some weight between then and now, but how much i wouldn't be able to say
>was there anything that has caused a habit you were building to slip?
i mean desu that's why i haven't really posted much, full relapse (probably from stress but my mental health has also just not been great lately) aside, when i was just starting to slip i never really committed to most of your suggestions, i just kinda tried them a couple times and they fell off almost immediately. though your suggestion to change how i cook has stuck and the meals are higher calorie than they used to be, i just haven't been eating many meals

>>36449933
get a bicycle, work as courier for phone apps

>>36449627
the ket binge wasnt unfortunate it left me feeling refreshed honestly

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Bump

Woke up late today. Had my coffee, but I haven't eaten. Just not hungry. Spent my day in bed and crying because I thought about my dog's mortality.

Semester started, so at least I have something to do.

God I wish I could just disappear into the woods or go be a Buddhist nun in the mountains.

I'm just so tired of the life I live. Sure, there's the "change it" mentality. I just don't see any "normal" life as worth living. Whether that means having a job, a family, whatever, all seem unfulfilling at best, torment at worst.

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Bumo

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The eternal bumper

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Having a positive day then getting smacked with dysphoria is not fun :(
Realized suddenly you just wont ever be pretty and pass just hits different
Fuck me for repressing for so fucking long.

wanted to take a little time out of my day to discuss some stuff with the t of /lgbt/. i used to be on this board often, and it's sad to think about how many people are like i was, genuinely stuck here trying to find happiness in a closed space. here's the post I made, i hope it might genuinely help at least one person:
>>36457655

I think it's very important to realise you don't owe anyone on the internet anything. You *can* just leave.

>>36457741
These are leading and loaded questions. If one wishes to convey specific points, it would be preferable for one to simply state them, so as to avoid being perceived as chiding or smarmy. Utilizing the "You do know [x], right?" format is a reliable method to render someone immediately irked and hostile to your attempts at persuasion.

>>36457908
That's fine, I didn't have much hope for interaction anyway. It just seems like there are some very simple ways most of the posters here could improve their life. A lot of the OPs seem like they deliberately want to keep themselves miserable, or keep other people miserable.
I don't get the obsession with being attractive. I don't get the obsession with any unattractive person posting their pictures on the internet. I don't get the obsession with the news. I don't get the obsession with sex. If one considers other people taking the internet seriously to be stupid, why are they themselves on the internet?
There is nothing new to learn here, right? There is so much to life, I just don't understand why you would hate yourself and then perpetuate that self-hatred through publicly asking for validation of your self-hatred based on some completely arbitrary standards which, if you simple changed your day-to-day activities, would completely vanish from your mind?
It's not even like these poeple here know you personally, it's arguable if they should even be considered people in your own mind.

>>36449627
>sometimes all we can do is cross our fingers and hope for the best, right?
yeah, very much so

>>36458090
this isn't specific to this board, or this website, or any other websites and niche in fact, it applies to everything everywhere
you choose what you do and the people you have around depend on that, the deeper you get into a specific direction the less options you seem to have and the more you forget that there are other things in the world, everything else looks alien to yo
I suggest you just leave this place for good and focus on doing things instead
you won't help anyone here and if you will it won't really matter
help yourself and then help others when you get to know them personally by doing things together and having shared goals

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>>36449387
>I am glad you are using the threaf this way
Right, yes, okay. It can be difficult to shake the idea that I am intrusive and unwanted by default. Thanks.
Anyway, I guess the accountability ploy worked because after a bit more deliberation I arranged a meeting for next week.
Meanwhile, I think it could be useful to start preparing myself so I might be capable of making the jump from neeting should the opportunity arise. My first thoughts are a slightly more consistent sleep schedule and getting out of bed soon after waking up. Maybe some form of scheduling in my life? Open to other ideas from you and anyone else who takes the time to read my ramblings.

Hope things continue to improve on your end.

recently just felt this overwhelming burnout
like i don't feel like doing anything and this has been going on for almost a month

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okay uhh, surgeon & trans support group replied, emailed them back today to setup appts for both (:
and idk what's happening but ive been feeling more progressively rarted wrt. conversation, worried ive got something up neurologically lol
>>36423955
>we're getting a one-sided view of the situation but it does sound like he might just be a bad fit for you fundamentally
aye ofc
i do try and stay unbiased despite my feelings, but focusing on only the negative aspects can/does skew perspectives
also character limit, limits nuance and insight xd
>keep doing your best, and keep trying to error-check yourself, but also remember that therapists aren't and can't be good fits for every single client they get and it's okay to go find another who meshes with you better
thank-you (: will keep trying as hard as I can in the meantime, extract as much out the opportunity as possible
unfortunately I hve no choice wrt. therapist since they're provided by the NHS - i've no income, otherwise i'd go private :/
>>36449387
>what are your goals?
vague, lofty ones - i.e. "return to work" "retain meaningful friendships"
>ah yes, it's S.M.A.R.T. goals and such. Good call.
SMART is a good shout anon, tyty
will keep it in mind during my session tomorrow
>hmm... it is tricky, in that case maybe having an accountability partner where it matters to you when they are disappointed would help?
yea,, is a difficult one to balance around my mental health, esp. wrt. rejection sensitivity and negative self image
i usually achieve accountability by promising to do, or being asked to do, something for others
unfortunately (and this is one of my goals actually) it involves doing something for *others*, never for myself
i've been working hard on self-compassion and it is incredibly straining and hard (care for myself more -> doing things for myself and not others, hopefully), but it's hard cause I lack a sense of accomplishment (like feel nothing for completing goals/tasks for myself)

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>>36449668
No updates today, since I will be on a business trip again soon I will be a bit shaky in my updates some more. Also promised a friend to take more breaks this week. July is just stressful for me.

>>36462940
rest well anone

>>36462940
take care of yourself and rest up

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Bumo

We should invent anew type of waking device

>>36467282
What did they mean by this?

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whatever happened to junko?

>>36467435
Still alive, last she checked in. I really am not sure, op would know more....but I think she is doing 4/10

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>>36467282

>>36399451

I have one more model to assemble before my vet guard kill team is ready for primer! Of course I have games this week so I'll have to roll with gray plastic, but at least I'll be playing with people and putting myself out there :')

>>36468083
I laughed so fucking hard thanks

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>>36467282
is vyvanse not good enough?

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>>36398473
how the FUCK do I stop lying? I lie through my teeth to everyone but also to myself. I don't even know what's true anymore.

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>>36467282
I had initially misread the word "waking" as "walking"...
https://youtu.be/7qOnpvfBFtY?feature=shared&t=36
>>36468104
Ah, I ought to dedicate an afternoon to finishing the construction of my Gellerpox Infected! I've most of the models fully prepared for gluing, with only the Fleshscreamer and Vulgrar Thrice-Cursed left to clean up...
>>36469881
Do you feel that your dishonesty is compulsive in nature? Do you lie about things both minute and dire? Does it seem to be out of your control?

>>36470186
>Do you feel that your dishonesty is compulsive in nature?
>Does it seem to be out of your control?
I guess so? I do it completely without thinking about it, I only think about the desired outcome at best (or not at all).
>Do you lie about things both minute and dire?
Yes, about everything. I tried therapy many times but that never lasted long since I couldn't tell any of them a truth. Doesn't help when I'm not exactly sure what actually happened either. Often times I can't tell if an experience was real or constructed, like I just made it up and it never happened?

>>36448885
>oh, how come?
I'm just really depressed, and I find it difficult to focus on stuff.
>habit forming
That has been really helpful, but ADHD isn't my only problem. I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder yesterday, and it does help explain a lot of the issues I've been having with these long periods of mania and depression that last months. For now, I'm just trying to survive until this depression ends. I know that pushing myself will just make it worse, like it did in October. I'm on track to getting more help with my autism and stuff too, now that I've got an adult diagnosis of that. So I'm just gonna follow the plans I have and take it easy otherwise. I might try to make some new friends at some point because I had to leave Discord behind and I moved over to Revolt. Discord's loose privacy policy freaked me out enough that it played into my episode. They let admins view any chat they want without being seen, and if you unknowingly got on the wrong side of one, that could end really badly. They also sell chat logs to third parties. So yeah, not a good environment for me to be in, as a bipolar tranny who accidentally makes enemies.

>>36470554
>I might try to make some new friends at some point because I had to leave Discord behind and I moved over to Revolt
Could take this opportunity to make some friends in the offline as well. I bought a camera and now I just walk around the city and strike up a conversation with anyone holding one too.

>>36472109
I'm too scared of IRL interaction. As soon as sex comes up, I lose my ability to gauge what is and isn't appropriate conversation and reveal weird stuff. It's because I'm frankly a bit of an attention whore, and I end up talking about all the hijinks I got up to in middle school and high school.

>>36473754
why would sex come up if you talk about a common interest? alternatively just go to places where sex is the common interest, at least in Europe there's a fair bit of that

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>>36473773
I live in North America and can't drive. I can't even go anywhere because we've created an actual hell on earth that necessitates even the stupidest people control machines capable of killing just to get to places.

>>36475960
why would sex come up if you talk about a common interest?

>>36475960
Thank you for voicing this, you’re smart!
:3

>>36476322
Because I like talking about sex

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They say it’s better to have broken bones then a broken spirit… How does one bring life back into their soul? I feel so downtrodden.

>>36469881
Maybe start with lies you told yourself? Take note, write them down. Draw a line down a piece of paper Lies you’ve told yourself on one side the truth on the other. Really think about it, why you lied to yourself and what you’re running from. You can’t stop lying to others until you stop lying to yourself. Sometimes you have to lie for self-preservation, survival. But you should never be lying to yourself.

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>>36476489
This is only tangentially related to the thread, but I started being accused of being a worshipper of slaanesh since middle school. I've honestly lived up to that accusation. But hey, to bring it back on topic, I've improved! I haven't done a blood ritual since I was 15!

>>36478430
Take your medication.

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pg8.

>>36476537
It's a struggle, and I won't say that I have it perfected myself, but I think simply letting yourself seek out life's small joys and pleasures is a good start. Figuring out what makes you feel momentarily happy then working on savouring those moments as they happen. Figuring out that a moment ending doesn't mean it was all for nothing.
Something like that.

>>36462940
Glad to hear your friend is looking out for you. Again: Take care sig-anon. July is shaping up to be a weird month, yeah.

>>36467282
Mallets and hammers

>>36398473
how do i stop crying all the time over being a hon?

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hi!!! i haven't been on here in a long time which isn't a big deal because i mostly lurked and whenever i did post here it was on anon. i don't really browse 4chan or /lgbt/ much anymore since i've started doing better mentally. pls pardon the blog post but i wanted to share since this place was a p big part of my self-improvement journey for a while.

last year i decided to give myself 12 months of dedicated effort to improve my mental health before i would cut my losses and commit suicide. that was in november i think? since then i've gotten on antidepressants, kicked a binge eating disorder, went from a bmi of 33.1 to a bmi of 22, started hrt, ran my first 10k, got over the bulk of my social anxiety, and gotten into my first relationship. for the first time in my life i would describe myself as a genuinely happy person. i'm not really done yet, there's still some stuff i need to work through w a therapist and i still obviously have transition goals to work toward but i just wanted to come here and say wagmi!! i believe in u!!!

>>36476537
it's easy to fall into the habit of having your defenses up against hurtful things, then become isolated from the good too. find places that you can assume won't be a source of negativity and try to let yourself be vulnerable in those times.

>>36479625
be less hard on yourself about what you might not be able to change since it doesn't help, also redirect your focus to things outside of you. staying busy is the best thing for most people.

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>>36479823
I don't know you but I'm really glad to hear you're doing better anon. Sounds like you've been through a lot. I hope things continue improving for you! I believe in you too!

pg 9 again

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>>36485231
wow those post times were close

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>>36485245
You'd best not show me up again...

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>>36489194
No one's improving today... maybe everyone's perfect now.

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A couple weeks ago I got blackout drunk and decided I never wanted to let that happen again, and I'd stick to better moderation, but last night for no real reason I got shwasted again, really disappointed. I feel like I'm letting my life slide--I'd gone a long time without drinking that much, and now it's happened twice in a month. I can't really find the motivation to improve things or commit to anything, and I'm pretty let down by that realization. Not really sure where one goes from here? Just wait until the right moment presents itself?

>>36448590
No I dont have anyone or know how just been wanting to find a way to put the past behind me but I’ve been repeating the same actions for a couple of years ever since then and it’s like I want to live my own life now honestly just talking about my past feels like some weight just lifting off. I’m honestly glad that this thread exists

>>36479823
Cute hopefuel thanks for sharing anon

>>36490448
lol what a dream that would be, i really do hope we all find our way out of this one day

>>36490448
I've given up improving. I can't do anything to help myself anymore

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Page 7 is a tad early for a bump, but I am very weary, and my trust in you lazy louts hath been rendered fray'd...

another page 7 bump can we get a third in a row i wonder

>>36494184
too hasty

let's go

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Me and who bump

Sometimes I just can’t stop the self hatred
I fear the worst about myself

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>>36497230
me and you..

i will be hanging myself soon lol

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>>36487172
Our fates have already been written, Theta. It has happened before. It will happen again. We can't avoid it.
>>36490448
We did it! We finally made it! Great job everyone!
>>36498722
Please don't. Feels a little hypocritical saying it since I have the same feeling myself, but: please don't. We'll make it. somehow.
>>36490848
Hmm... There is this "call of the void" thing with letting life go wrong that can be hard to ignore. But I don't think waiting is going to solve much. If anything it might make things worse, because it can feed into your demotivation. When everything feels pointless I try looking to past versions of myself for inspiration, analysing what I used to like, trying to spot any patterns that I can make use of in the present. I don't if that will work for you. But it might be worth a try.

>>36448736
Right elbow maybe getting better, left elbow is still holding up, I don't seem to be completely incompetent at the job but things haven't really been battle tested, so I won't count my chickens before they hatch.
At the same time, I'm extremely grateful to have reached this point, and keep my fingers crossed for more luck and health (physical and mental) for me, my relatives, friends, loved ones, and as many others as possible.

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OP here. It was a busy, busy week and next week is gonna be hell (another conference thing). I won't make daily updates. Things will normalize come August. I will not always catch up with the thread in one go for now. I will make two posts, this included, and take a break. I know a lot of you worry about me, and I need to be responsible. It is my responsibility just as much as making sig is my pleasure.
>>36449968
How did the look into it go?
Def get yourself looked at by a doc as soon as you can, and as for the relapse.. it will all be okay, b. Shall we try to pick up the pieces bit by bit? I wanna encourage you to the limited extent an anon can. And if some of my suggestions helped but did not stick, it would be great if we could do a post mortem and look at why they didn't, try work around that.
>>36451374
I do think it would be best if you managed without ket, but I would like to hear more about your circumstances really.
>>36453468
Tell me about the things that matter to you. Your dog does, for example. Let us not focus on normal, let us focus on worth living.
>>36455122
>>36455971
Thank you all so much, by the way..
>>36456777
Picking up the pieces does suck.. it's hard. It feels not worth it. But knowing you.. you are doing amazing all things considered, in spite of it.
>>36457741
I haven't looked into the thread much but
>I think it's very important to realise you don't owe anyone on the internet anything.
is on its own very fair. At the same time, sometimes the validation from strangers can help people.. it is such a dangerous game to play though. I hope that sig is responsible in this regard.
>>36458736
if there is anything you wanna get off your chest though, we are here. Even if it is the best we can do, it is no use just hearing it once. Ask to hear it twice, thrice, no matter.
This is not just directed at you, but the dear reader/lurker.

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I need a break for tonight. For those I haven't caught up to yet.. thank you for your patience. Been quite slow recently, I know..
>>36459519
>It can be difficult to shake the idea that I am intrusive and unwanted by default.
My pleasure to help with that.
> I arranged a meeting for next week.
excellent, anon!
>Maybe some form of scheduling in my life?
I think it would be reasonable, it should be attached to something that makes you feel good, ideally accomplished. Possibly something that drags you out of your home but that is optional. Does a hobby come to mind, or special interest? Could you stomach exercising maybe? What matters is that it is sustainable an activity and it is a-ok to try a thing, not feel it, and come back and reconsider.
My end is... slowly improving. Give it a few weeks. A month tops.
>>36459801
It is why I always push sustainability when talking self improvement. Describe what overwhelms you. We need you to hit the breaks without causing you to rot. It's a balance.
>>36462470
Huge goals, yes. Self actualization stuff, things that give meaning. Lofty, yes. If we can find something smaller and concrete to help you cope, to give you a feeling of productivity and competence on your way there. Small things that still mean something.
>doing something for *others*, never for myself
maybe this helps you, since it helps me:
if you think of yourself as support, you are a load carrying wall. What happens if one crumbles? It brings the house down with it, Your well-being requires maintenance, and through that you ensure you have the capacity to do what matters to you. Your body is your tether, the one thing through which you can make the difference you want to make. This line of thinking helps me.
>>36463554
>>36464193
>>36479594
Thank you all, by the way.. Like I said, I try to take it easy.
>>36469881
If it is compulsive.. it might need professional looking into. Especially if it is deeply ingrained to the point of being a habit.

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>>36502394 rest up

man i picked the worst fucking project idea for an ML portfolio project

the problem itself seems solvable with basic techniques but there's just not enough training data in the open for me to actually train a usable model
i have 8 pieces of training data and besides just adding noise to those 8 pieces i have no idea how the fuck i'm gonna get any more

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bump
>>36502394

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The only two people in my close family I feel comfortable asking for help are struggling with serious health issues of their own right now.
I'm trying hard to keep my own health in check. I want to be able to take the bus without barfing or fainting from pain so I can go to my appointment monday without bothering anyone. If I drink ridiculous amounts of water and use all my meds it might work.
I need to make a plan for what I do if the family members I trust die.
I've looked up various helpful resources.
I've made a mental list of things I can pack, and how to travel with my medication, if I'm even physically capable of making it that far.
I don't know.
I'm considering some medical options that I probably shouldn't. I can't get drunk because that will mess up my digestive system again.
Right now the 'safest' option seems to be misusing my ritalin as a painkiller...
mm.

>>36503720

What kind of training data do you need? If there's one thing I know about AI research, it's that you can't let pesky human ideas like "laws" or "ethical concerns" stand in the way of harvesting precious data for the machine God. If you're hesitant, just ask yourself: what will the Basilisk think of my actions today?

my friend made a comment about my body that was clearly well intentioned but i am now extremely unwell thinking about it

>>36505398
>What kind of training data do you need?
i'm being vague but it's mostly non public, proprietary data. it also probably requires a lot of cleaning up

>it's that you can't let pesky human ideas like "laws" or "ethical concerns" stand in the way of harvesting precious data for the machine God
this is just a personal project i want to put on my resume

>>36414000
Can this stop so I can get back to my normal life please. also heal and restore all back perfectly so I can get back to my life.... k thanks

i have to send two emails today... please send me email emergy if you have any spair that you aren't using today!

one email about uni and one email about drug use
>>36490448
one day...

>>36509210
got tons of the stuff, and am only getting better at it at the dayjob
which one's easier to write?

>>36509225
i think i'll start with the second one, it's the easier one
thank you

oh the drug place is closed because it's the weekend, i cant
uuuuh the uni email is much harder,...,
but i only have to send one today, so i'll try writing the uni one instead

>>36509568
i wrote the first email anyway and scheduled it to send when they open after the weekend :)
>>36509225
thank u verry much, -thinking about which one was a little easier than the other tricked me in a good way into being able to do it :)

i think i'll also take a shower maybe. and i cleaned my desk earlier too
maybe things can be better... i'll try to do my other email too now

>>36398473
today i emailed three therapists and decided to book in with the free counselling at my uni in the mean time, i also finally did my injection after realising it's probably why i felt so shit

>>36509542
>>36509669
based, and don't forget to congratulate yourself on doing the most difficult thing - starting
and not only that, but finishing the first one
if you manage the second one, that's even awesomer, but don't forget to celebrate the first one, so your brain starts figuring out you can (and have) done this

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I'm hitting pause on my 4chan break. I'll only be here this weekend, swear to God... Just want to bitch and moan for a bit lol
I met my soon-to-be coworkers for the first time yesterday, and I noticed that contact with other people just really messes with me. I think the meeting went well for the most part, but I was really agitated when I came home. I kept pacing around my room and it only subsided this morning. I think talking to other people triggers all of my insecurities. They're all so... normal. I mean, I don't think people IRL can tell how fuckin' weird I really am, but it's just a little frustrating when I'm 3-7 years older than everyone else and they all have partners and friends and stuff...
I also had to go to the ER last week for something very painful and unsavory. I'll spare you the details, but I needed surgery under local anesthesia -- easily the most painful thing I've ever experienced. I'm still kinda proud that I didn't miss a day of studying regardless. All in all, preparation for uni is going well. So that's good.
I've also been having weird religious ideas lately. This is pretty out of character for me (I've always been an atheist, didn't even take confirmation), but my thoughts keep returning to religion for some reason (I am now very informed on Catholic doctrine)
I started writing a little story today, which is also not something I usually do. I realized that it's garbage after three pages and then I stopped, but it was actually kinda fun. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow.
So yeah, that's /blogpost. I hope you friends are doing alright

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Another day of slow updates. More posts coming.
>>36467435
>>36467458
In her own words, she feels her life is in a good enough place to have graduated /sig/. She feels happy and accomplished, and even though she still struggles with some aspects of life sending her on emotional roller coasters and spirals, she feels she has the confidence and experience weathering those storms.
But it means she won't be coming back with any frequency.
>>36470554
>I'm just really depressed, and I find it difficult to focus on stuff.
That checks out. Having dedicated days, or times of day would definitely help, but from my limited experience with ADHD I know that tight schedules and such are simply not flexible enough. We have a youtube channel (howtoadhd) and a couple other things in the resources and I urge you to check them out. Even if you are in survival mode right now, I want you to hear that you are doing well staying alive. It is good you know yourself well enough to know your limits. It is healthy and sensible, and I hope you feel that you do enough, ARE enough.
All that said, I hope you know I'm rooting for you, anon.
> They also sell chat logs to third parties.
oh damn that's new to me!
>>36476537
Hmm.. could you tell me more about what happened? What passions and interests do you have (maybe have lost)?
What used to fulfill you?
>>36479625
Oh damn, that is a hard one. The first big question in all this to me is if you have people close to you in your life who can sanity check you on this. You know that a lot of tranners have unhealthy standards for themselves, often limited to themselves. Sometimes it seems to be just trauma from male puberty. Sometimes it genuinely is just about not passing. The question is if you cry over how people react to you, how you think people see you, or how you see yourself? Ofc it can be all three but the root issue can be any number of them and will change how you should approach it.

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>>36479823
> this place was a p big part of my self-improvement journey for a while.
it may be silly but... this genuinely touched me.
I am elated to hear about your progress, and it makes me day to hear that you are doing so well and keep on keeping on. Thank you for telling us. And if we managed to contribute even 1% to it all, all of the successes that blossomed out of your own strength mind you, then I am already as happy as I can be.
>>36492220
What makes you say that?
>>36490848
Have you ever followed the stories FragmentedTomoko has shared with us here? If not, then let me give you the super condensed version: if you find yourself lacking motivation to do anything, days blending into one another, and you seeming to drink more and more for fewer and fewer reasons, those are incredibly insidious alcoholism flags and you probably need to get it out of your system entirely for a couple months to be sure of it. Initially you will be incredibly bored and unmotivated but it would change as time passes, though it will also need active changes. As for waiting, generally with depression, it's shark rules: standing still means death. It means to never wait for motivation, and if a reason cannot be found to contrive one by any emotionally satisfying copium necessary. What are your interests, or were? What are your life circumstances? That will help us steer you.
>>36491553
And I am glad to be there! We can talk about anything you feel you haven't gotten out and are willing to share. We're there to listen, too. Sometimes just having someone empathize can help. And I genuinely wish for you that it becomes a habit that you get to share your innermost with people. It will require letting people in, finding people you can be close to. But all of that is big goals conquered one step at a time. No need to rush or panic.
>>36497433
Are you frequently alone with your thoughts?
>>36498722
I hope not. Cries for help are healthy, but we would need to know more about your plights.

>>36512739
>Are you frequently alone with your thoughts?
often enough
It comes and goes
Today i feel better
Yet still when I worry for someone my own problems disappear...isnt that funny?

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I think I'm going to try to get friends in an mmo. I haven't realized it but I think I've been lonely maybe. Or it's something else. Also hopefully will make calls to get help next week.

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More tomorrow. I can feel I reached my limit for today.. I am frustrated because I know it's just a few more posts but I neither wanna rush nor push myself..
>>36500355
Thanks for the update, anon! And I continue to send you the kindest well wishes I have in store.
>>36503175
Thank you.
>>36505076
I don't mind the lewdposting but I am sometimes curious if it is always the same anons that do.
>>36505312
It is.. such a difficult situation for you, shinjinon. You too are struggling too, and I understand you do not want to be a burden.. taxis are expensive, too, so not necessarily an option I wager. I do hope you make it safely, and that you don't have to take extreme measures. Have you asked your close family members for ideas?
>>36506812
Oh, that can happen with ED, especially as you are getting healthier. Or was it something unrelated to that?
>>36507844
dysphoria is fuckey like that.. I am sorry you're going through this stuff.
>>36509210
>>36509568
>>36509669
I'm happy for you pushing yourself like this, you did great. One step at a time, I hope you take the time to take some pride in it, too!
>>36509775
Well done anon, I hope you hear back from them soon!
>>36512984
Do you have a solid support network? Could it be you simply lack social interaction and caring for others/experiencing intimacy is what you urgently need more of?

>>36502394
>Does a hobby come to mind
Not sure. I don't think I really want to schedule my hobbies, so perhaps I will consider trying some more exercisey things. Those can make me feel a bit accomplished in the sense of "I just did something good for me".
Regarding the ideas I had before, sleep/waking has been going well enough but staying out of bed has been hard, which I suppose is unsurprising given how much time I normally spend there. I just feel so exhausted sometimes that it's difficult to do anything else.

>>36514314
related to your assumption, really not something i needed to hear

Bump.

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>>36518118

>>36516824
that's a good one

>>36514314
i got an appointment with a therapist on tuesday
i feel probably the lowest ive ever been tonight so i am waiting in queue for to a local lgbt hotline to talk to someone
my goal from therapy is to admit to my family (who I live with) that I'm suicidal, i think that could save me

i deleted every single social media app i have, including discord, i can't deal with people anymore and id rather talk to myself, i don't think i can cure my antisocial personality
im still using steam though, and I've bought plenty of old fallout, elder scrolls, baldurs gate games as well as the collection editions of halo and mass effect

>>36521641
Have fun gamer!

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>>36521659
thanks!

>>36522279
Ok eat my post fuck it idc

>>36514314
>And I continue to send you the kindest well wishes I have in store.
Thank you, siganon. Likewise to you and your loved ones.
>>36500355
Used arm more yesterday and today, even biked twice and did laundry. Knocking on wood.
Talked to friends. I really appreciate having them, even if idk if I'll be able to visit the girl who's been an angel soon, for example.

theyre going to shove a 10 inch metal tube up my butt tomorrow
im scared

>>36522950
who're "they"? can't you just but a gun and kill em?

>>36523408
i have no intention of killing my doctors & nurses or anyone else for that matter anon... it's butt-shoving for the greater good, i assume

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>>36510277
A bit of venting is fine, but I hope we can also help you move forward. It's funny in a way, we are here because we struggle, but that we do more than that is what makes it worthwhile, eventually.
> I don't think people IRL can tell how fuckin' weird I really am
what makes you weird, in your eyes? And is there something about their normalcy you crave, envy?
>Maybe I'll try again tomorrow.
It's one of those things where trying a lot and getting things that suck can be quite informative in its own right, as you can pick apart what makes it so, which is a perspective that is not as easy to get from reading polished work.
>>36514156
I made some good friends in mmos as a teen, I do think it can be nice.
>>36514387
> I just feel so exhausted sometimes that it's difficult to do anything else.
I find that it helps to have busywork that requires little mental effort but is innately rewarding. Some people take care of plants, I sometimes work on various projects, some people knit, or prep food.. sometimes it can be just keeping your fingers busy. But overall it sounds like you have a good idea going already.
Hmm... For many, many years of my life, I have done my best to have a kind of outing every saturday. Not exactly a hobby, but it helped me have something to look forward to and plan out every week. Nowadays I go to a cafe every saturday.
>>36514478
Deeply sorry to hear, b. Is there anything we could do for you? I am happy you stick around, and I wanna offer whatever support I can provide.
>>36520340
It very likely will. You need support. And you need people to listen to your woes. Empathy, sympathy, compassion, and someone to hold your hand and help you make things better, because they can be.
>>36521641
Hmm.. it is difficult. First of all I think it is sensible that you take some time for yourself and recuperate. But I would love to hear what in particular overwhelmed you.
>>36522285
>>36522279
Awh, what was your post about?

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>>36522833
it's much appreciated.
>>36522950
Hmm, do they have to check something past the sigmoid? I assume they are just checking for something that they can't easily see otherwise. Any kind of invasive procedure of that sort is unlikely to be more than a bit uncomfy. Sometimes, esp with irrational fears, it can help a great deal to find a possibly humorous answer to feel prepared for it. Something that makes you feel like the "what if" is taken care of.

>>36523679
>Awh, what was your post about?
About my self hatred (>>36497433)
I have lost or rather abandoned my what was supposed ot be a support network for trannies and now I pester the couple of people im out too and half of them dont wanna deal with me cause they ahve their own issues and the other half I really dont wanna bother cause its like bothering someone about their insurance expiring
It doesnt matter desu, I am just venting daily on 4chan
I just decided to be more alone because I have self image issues and cant connect with people who are suppsoed to be like me, making me feel worse and eventually compounding all my self hatred even more
Its ok really
I am fine

I am projecting all my transphobia and selfhatred again on anons and i feel nothing about it
Not good or relived
Disgusted a bit yet i keep going
Its how I menat to be
Its my cross to bear
I hope hell is half as good as this place then I will suffer it gladly

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>>36523729
>e other half I really dont wanna bother cause its like bothering someone about their insurance expiring
I don't think I quite follow the analogy here..
> I have self image issues and cant connect with people who are suppsoed to be like me,
that on the other hand explains why you retreated. It sounds to me like there is a balance to strike: you need people who are supportive of you and alleviate those feelings, but at the same time you could use people you aren't compelled to compare yourself to. Does that assessment sound right?
>>36524213
You aren't evil, but you are unhealthily coping. You are trying to find a way out. You are probably better off to try and say positive things to anons you wish somebody told you. Or try to find silver linings. Remember that in what you are doing you are using others as a proxy to interact with yourself. In that lies the solution of what may actually help.
>>36523966
sigmoid is the bit after the rectum, an S-shape to the rest of the digestive tract, doesn't matter too much. I just know because I have looked into it talking to people worrying about anal a lot on this board.
> It hasn't happened that much in recent years, but it's still something that scares me.
sounds like something that will basically need exposure therapy, aka experiencing the opposite of your fear playing out in a safe environment.
>am incapable of building deeper relationships;
Ties into the other points to some extent I suppose.. do you feel like getting closer to people makes you afraid, pushing them away?
As for math, go ahead!

>>36524775
I think I am just too pathetic self hating and transphobic to really connect. Even with people who know me I can’t connect
I’m distant and I never understand
I only harm and only know how to harm
And I harm myself constantly too
Idk
I don’t know
I’m just lonely
But that’s doesnt matter
I want nothing and I got nothing
I can’t be anymore specific
I deserve it

>>36524970
I am tired really
I want everyone to love me but I csnnot love myself
So mark myself in pity and hatred

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>>36524775
>sounds like something that will basically need exposure therapy, aka experiencing the opposite of your fear playing out in a safe environment.
I guess I already had that, to a degree. And it has gotten better, especially since I've gotten on medication that lessens social anxiety as a side effect.
>do you feel like getting closer to people makes you afraid, pushing them away?
Totally. I have a real problem with people getting close to me and knowing things about me. I basically keep everything a secret.
I don't really mind that too much. It is isolating at times, but I'm very used to it.
>As for math, go ahead!
I learned about double and triple integrals today, and I don't really get it. The course said that a double integral evaluates to the volume of a region under the graph of a function f(x,y). Okay, so far, so good.. This made sense to me, because the graph of a function f(x, y) is plotted in 3D space. But then the example/exercise just solved for the area between two functions f(x), g(x), i.e. the integral g(x) - f(x)dx as an example of a double integral, with two-dimensional graphs?
So here's my question: What exactly is the double integral and how do you evaluate it? And how is this related to the area between two curves, if at all?
I haven't really groked triple integrals yet either (shouldn't the graph of a function f(x, y, z) be four-dimensional?), but maybe it'll become clear after I've understood double integrals.

>>36525084
>the integral g(x) - f(x)dx as an example of a double integral, with two-dimensional graphs?
that sounds bizarre, can you make a screenshot of that? Cause a double integral over one variable makes little sense.

I can't leave this thread or this website even if I want to

Dropped some advice for body dysmorphia earlier
>>36524283
Probably gonna archive soon so here's the link

>>36523679
>Hmm.. it is difficult. First of all I think it is sensible that you take some time for yourself and recuperate. But I would love to hear what in particular overwhelmed you.
I'm just tired of people being so cynical and uncommunicative lately, granted I was myself but my personality is changing that I'd rather not have that, it's been years since I had a genuine human interaction with real emotions put in it.

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Bump.

I just want both of them to be ok
I can’t do anything
Just wait
And it is killing me
And no news is just as terrifying as hearing they are gone
And when that happens…i dint think I can be ready
I just want to hear the good news. That they are ok so we can all be ok
It hurts

9 bumps

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Me and?
>>36498423
Who?

>>36531321
8bumps

I can't compel myself to do anything fun
I can only do chores and work out daily
I can't find a job and it's making me extremely worried

>>36533191
Single out an hour a day where you only do a hobby you like, be it gaming or w/e else
Job hunting is tough as nails, keep searching for now

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Wya

The only thing that matters is who you love
if you have someone go hug them
if you cant, give them a call and let them know

cba anymore.homestly
think I'm gonna quit therapy next sesh
swear I have ME/CFS or something
>>36503720
not my domain of expertise but 8 samples sounds impossible to work with without introducing bias/overfitting
depends on the data too wrt. augmentation techniques
can possibly look into fine-tuning a foundation model, using a custom head to generate training data from ur samples (will likely introduce bias tho)
might be worth reading into whatever architectures/techniques are being used in few-shot voice & image synthesis, like transfer learning
sry if any of this is rarted nonsense, I don't actually know anything about ML or if I do it's been lost to brainfog

>>36536722
at least it's a reinforcement learning problem so by 8 samples i mean i have 8 initial conditions to give the agent to solve
so even if it overfits during training it technically solved the problem and i at least have some usable result i could publish a shitty blogpost about it
even if i had the knowledge to implement this i probably don't have enough compute to make a model that generalizes
if it can solve a single training example i'd be happy and if it can generalize and solve the validation example i'd call that a miracle lol
i also have to make the entire fucking env from scratch...i've written a couple hundred lines of code and i haven't even installed pytorch yet

>>36536839
ahh kk, way different beast then
so you've essentially got like 8 'scenarios' the agent should learn to solve? enough epochs you'll probs see some results, provided there's not too much variance or noise in the data and the reward functions are well defined
will be interesting to explore and see what policy it "learns"
imitation learning might be an interesting thing to look into too: https://paperswithcode.com/task/imitation-learning
>i probably don't have enough compute
>i also have to make the entire fucking env from scratch
could you use something like Colab or similar to streamline this?
>i at least have some usable result i could publish a shitty blogpost about
ey, functional or not, writing about your learning escapades is great blog material
even if it fails, you can demonstrate your understanding of the processes behind your approach, the rationale, and why they failed (and what could be explored to address such)
great way to learn too, as well as demonstrate your thinking/problem solving process throughout && your commitment to learning

>>36523679
not really, just trying to deal with the feelings that brings up in a way that doesn't make things worse lol, but thank you, the offer of support is meaningful in and of itself

my beautiful trans gf and i are breaking up soon. she wants to try poly relationships and thats something im not comfortable with. i am completely devastated

im really depressed and suicidal now, nothing feels worthwhile. however today i called some friends, went on a walk and played some games. it was kind of nice. im hoping the hurt eases up. i also wrote in my diary a little and it mightve helped. i think i'll look at the suggested tasks now

does anyone know how to strike a balance between "not bottling up your depressive thoughts" and "not overburdening the people you love with your depressive thoughts"?

>>36537336
>so you've essentially got like 8 'scenarios' the agent should learn to solve?
more or less. given how RL works and the nature of the problem if i set it up right it should be able to overfit on the simplest training example
but i'm having a hard time even just implementing the env
>provided there's not too much variance or noise in the data
i'm worried there might be
>the reward functions are well defined
it never is
>could you use something like Colab or similar to streamline this?
if i had more money
>ey, functional or not, writing about your learning escapades is great blog material
it's just resume filler to make up for my lack of an advanced degree lol

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Me and who bumpin

>>36519394
fat

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Things haven't been good in my life but I feel weirdly hopeful? Like through this hardships I feel like I've started to accept myself as a trans woman and not feel like a fake. I also feel like I've started to genuinely love my life and the little good moments I've had here and there and I feel like I've been able to do nice things for myself//be more kind to myself. Idk probably way too rambly but felt like posting it somewhere.

>>36541875
wagmi

>>36538862
>having a hard time even just implementing the env
what parts you struggling with? setting up the dev env itself (dependencies, cuda et. al) or building/composing the actual model w/pytorch?
if its related to motivation, splitting the task into small, discrete subtasks might help - work incrementally towards each as you feel capable, even if just for 5 minutes or so, rinse and repeat to completion
>i'm worried there might be
I guess you'll never *truly* know till you get to it or try
again, not an expert here by any means, but some method of dimensionality reduction like PCA or autoencoders might allow you to capture only the most prudent features in your data
things like regularization might help too
>it's just resume filler to make up for my lack of an advanced degree lol
iktf lol

>>36538235
>poly
Gross i dont blame you. Something wrong with people who think thats a good idea. Sounds like you dodged a bullet in the long run.
Things will get better anon im sorry you got burned like that. Dont blame yourself.

>>36544343
>setting up the dev env itself (dependencies, cuda et. al) or building/composing the actual model w/pytorch?
neither. by "env" i mean the RL environment itself. for example, if you were trying to train an RL agent to play chess, the part that i'm stuck on is implementing the entire game of chess from scratch so that the model can interact with it

>but some method of dimensionality reduction like PCA or autoencoders might allow you to capture only the most prudent features in your data
i was just gonna hook up a transformer DQN or transformer PPO onto the thing and hope it works
ideally i'd wanna do something like alphazero style MCTS but i don't have the financial resources or dataset to do that

I just shaved my head because of the self hatred. It's gonna take 1-2 years to grow it back to the way it was before so screw it.

>>36522833
remaining elbow started hurting hard while brushing teeth on sunday. things got precarious. slowly improving so far, but still easy to overload it. could eat today without feeling like I'm doing obviously more damage, so I'm hopeful. this evening those concerning pains again, so time I go back to being bedridden and on my phone. Healing and job are the main priorities.

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Since I have seen at least one person other than me on this board post Gregory Horror Show stuff I'd like to mention that a recent kickstarter succeeded and that apparently the original author is trying to make a game and a movie. This has nothing to do with /sig/ but is a thing that made me happy. I'm gonna be on a work related trip all week, hence the disappearance, but I'll slowly try to catch up with the thread.
>>36524970
>>36524992
Well then. I do think it matters, and I hope you get to read this. But... if what you would like to learn is how to love, how to be kind to people, that is very doable. I am sure you would love to be good for people. Would you like to share a negative thought about yourself that targets something concrete that you project onto others? Such as, for example, a particular transphobic thought?
>>36525084
> I basically keep everything a secret.
do you happen to know why you do it? Is it rooted in a particular experience? Would you like to slowly tear down that barrier, do you think you know someone that would be suitable for that? We have a worksheet on making friends that speaks of radical openness, have you seen it?
>The course said that a double integral evaluates to the volume of a region under the graph of a function
essentially, yes. A good way to realize why might be to visualize a simple shape, such as a cube: Slicing the cube yields square slices, and each square can be thought of as many line segment slices. A single integral sums lengths (line segments between 0 and f(x)) into an area. Integrating twice is just consecutive: you take a function f(x,y). Integrating over x yields a function g(y), which is now an area dependent on the specific y. Integrating over y then yields a volume, as you sum over many area slices, stacking them into a volume.
> the integral g(x) - f(x)dx as an example of a double integral
this sounds weird, I would need more context from the book because on its own it makes little sense.
(1/2)

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>>36525084
(2/2)
In general, you can interpret arbitrarily many integrals as just successive integrations over one variable. Using "S" for an integral symbol since different boards permit different subsets of unicode (I doubt "∫" will look different from "" after posting) then
S S S f(x,y,z) dx dy dz
can be imagined like this:
1) assume y,z to be some constants. Now, f(x,y,z) can be treated as a function of one variable (x), and if you can figure out its antiderivative F then that will depend on those two constants still.
F(x,y,z) = S f(x,y,z) dx.
A definite integral would no longer depend on x, for example an integral from a to b would be F(b,y,z)-F(a,y,z). That is no longer a function of x. But could, given it depends on y, now be treated as a function of y and integrated. The key to understanding all this is to realize that each integral you evaluate is just an integral over one variable, and that the only thing changing is your interpretation of what is a constant and what is a variable, the exact same as you do for partial derivatives. It makes more sense when you ascribe a "unit" to the coordinates and the function. So if you measure f(x,y,...) in cm, and do the same with all x,y,z,.. then f(x) has unit cm, and every dx,dy,.. multiplies with the unit of x,y,....
>>36526267
Ah, what are your circumstances like besides?
>>36526300
Oh, that is very interesting! Essentially, confronting yourself head-on.. hm.. I like the idea, thank you for sharing!
>>36526949
Ohh, you were surrounded by negativity is what was the issue! You crave genuine human interaction, but that of course is difficult depending on the environment.. it's hard to find the right people to connect to. It would be great to plan towards it while/if you have the energy.
>>36529278
I know that feeling... you are doing your best, and I am glad you lean on me/us even though you are scared. Don't let the weight of the world crush you, you are trying your very best. You are enough.

Enough for tonight.
>>36536722
tell me more about your therapist/your situation. It sounds a bit worrying.
>ME/CFS
huh?
>>36536010
A sweet sentiment.. it really is. I will.
>>36537511
Glad to hear.. have you taken any steps regarding the fainting recently, if it is ok to ask?
>>36538235
I am sorry to hear, poly stuff is always a mess.
>how to strike a balance
One thing is, you might wanna spend some time with friends in a way you enjoy, and then after you had a good time ask them if they could comfort you a little, for example. There is no general recipe, some people don't mind these things at all, some struggle a lot with it, to some extent it is a mutual process where both parties need to be honest about their feelings and not feel bad about being sincere about being overwhelmed.
>>36541875
It makes me to hear that, anon! And it's not rambly at all, I find it concise enough, all things considered.
>>36545931
I am sorry to hear, anon. Do you find yourself doing impulsive things like that often? What led to it?

>>36548946
someone put forth the idea that it could be POTS (which wouldn't be shocking) so i've been making sure to crack a small pile of salt into my hand and do salt shots lol, it's been surprisingly helpful but there's definitely still some remaining issues, but i've only had one time i've felt like i was about to actually faint since

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junkie here. still alive, hope you are all well.

my life has been going, work stressful but i got a raise in only a few months, am at my own house, away from my parents, advancing physically towards transition.

no ankis, still smoking, no maidmaxxing, barely taking care of myself. garden is going good though.

personal life is a mess but stable, as usual.
i've gone nocturnal, and resumed taking lexapro, also doing xanax sometimes, but i try to avoid it.
starting to go out on the street at night, helps with the somewhat light agoraphobia i have going.
got a dslr camera to snap pics of stuff i like, find or feel while going out, helps me cope.

stay safe everyone, and hope CA is okay too. much love.

hi thread, today i called a friend and asked him to sit with me while i wrote a job application. it really helped. im going to read a book now. please have a nice day or night, you deserve it no matter who you are. god loves us all

>>36550977
hope youre doing okay! being nocturnal is fun for a change. i dunno how it stacks up over the long term but i always found it extremely freeing

>>36548946
im the anon here >>36545931
It was impulsive, but I wouldn't say I do that kind of stuff real often. I partially wanted to see whether I could be content with myself for maybe 2 years and getting gendered as a male due to my cranium and the other half is just me wanting a fresh start to feel like I started HRT all over again after not getting satisfying results (im on 2 years). But honestly, shaving my head 20 days ago feels like getting out of a fresh shower after that breakdown.

bump

>>36548432
>Would you like to share a negative thought about yourself that targets something concrete that you project onto others? Such as, for example, a particular transphobic thought?
just general "ywnbaw" self projection becoming outward projections. truscam shit like "you have to do x or be like y to be trans". Shit like that.
I think I just find myself lashing out on others when I feel like I myself am lacking in something. When I feel my impostor syndrome at its highest and when I feel like I really do not belong or am different from other people. Extremely hateful stuff comes and goes.

>>36548754
I don't plan to, even if I find positive people, there's no point to talk if they don't have the same interests (or maybe I just haven't met a positive person that would like to exchange interests and get to know further)

I relapsed on a bad habit of mine and I hate myself for falling for it again
I hope Ill be ok now but...the fact i can easily relapse like that is not fun
Hating myself a bit for it
Hopefully I continue down the right pth from here

Sorry if this is not the right place for this, but I have a lot of thoughts about some things going on with me lately and since they involve queerness and personal development that this would be a good a place as any.

I'm starting to feel a shift in my thinking when it comes to my gender identity and my sexuality. At the beginning of me coming to terms with my trans identity I was insistent that I needed to be do this and do that and to try to fit myself into the binary because that's the way I've worked in the past. I've starting getting away from that, but still feel a need for labels. I am a transwoman. With the exception of bottom surgery (which I actively don't want to the point where if I got it I would feel dyphoric), I do want a feminized body. I want to be seen and referred to as a woman (though I'm considering experimenting with she/they pronouns), but at the same time I only want to lean into a feminine expression, not have to be chained to it. I'm playing around with the idea of being a genderqueer transwoman.

In terms of my sexuality, I've gone around with all different types of labels, but one that I've always come back to is asexual. I don't feel sexual attraction to people, but more of an attraction to sexual experiences (if that makes sense). This come from me starting to experience my body more and starting to see myself as a sexual being, something I've kinda denied myself in the past. I don't want to necessarily have sex with this type of person or this gender or whatever. I want to have these different types of experiences, some solo, some with a partner and some with multiple partners.

Once again, sorry if this isn't the correct place for this, but I want to get this out there somewhere, but didn't feel like I wanted to get it out to friend group until I was more certain about the labels and I still have about a week before my next therapy session.

>I’ve been working out ~5 days a week this entire year….mostly cardio but I introduced core/pilates back in April and am progressing.
>I’ve been aggressive with my electrolysis since starting in December of 2023. I’m now 25 hours in and can clear my entire face in 3 hours
>My FFS consult is now only 4 months away. I already have the money saved up for the surgery but there’s nothing I can do about the waitlists

I told myself is I actually went through with transitioning there would be no half-assing it

Bump.

It was a long, long day.
Responses tomorrow.

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s-should i buy another dildo? this ones curved..

>>36566325
if your budget allows it

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i curse how i allowed people in this thread to get close to me, you are all vultures, you know who you are and what you did, you will have my blood in your hands and i want you to know that.

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Bump. The spider mites are winning. I am considering abandoning all botanical efforts and converting my greenhouse into a standard storage shed. I've not felt this hope-bereft and impotent since... well, since last year's spider mite infestation.

>>36550991
>hi thread, today i called a friend and asked him to sit with me while i wrote a job application. it really helped.
probably not related, but adhd people do body doubling[1] and it really helps them. might be that other (non-adhd too) circumstances are really helped with that - I know mine were
[1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ni9biXNDZe0

>>36561178
one more day at the fucking conference..

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>>36571836
I can't believe that our dear /sig/anon is working at the RNC...!

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>>36575598
Wait — that's "convention", not "conference". My joke hath fallen flat...

>>36526300 [You]
Update. Thanks to good skincare and diet, my appearance problems are basically healed. Face is super smooth, redness is gone, I look 10 years younger. For the first time since 2022 I look good

Surprisingly, it doesn't feel that good. Obviously it's nice, but it's not the
>Holy shit you look great!
Feeling I had back in 2022, even though I look the same as back then. I realize that gassing yourself up in the mirror like that fucks with your brain. Even if you look good & it makes you happy in the short term, it's gonna turn into hell once you have appearance problems. Now it's like being a kid again. Unless I rolled out of bed and looked like a celebrity it feels like that shit just isn't remarkable

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i dont want to learn how to drive it is too scary

>>36567256
what happened anon?

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>>36567256
why dont you pay us a visit ;)
https://sanctioned-suicide.net

>>36578813
bonk, get that predatory sui enabler shit outta here

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Bump. I've no inclination to make the next thread.

PINGAS

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>>36549465
Would you be ready to slowly let us try and work towards patching up your physical and emotional well-being?
>>36550977
I haven't heard from CA in a long while, am worried.. I am glad you are around, but I am of course sorry things are difficult. I have recently taken my fair share of hits on all fronts too. All I can do is do my best, hope or no hope.
>>36550991
This is great, anon! Yes, this was an excellent idea, generally I do rec people to approach scary things in ways that make them feel prepared. I'll try to get rest, tomorrow will be a tumultuous day.
>>36582705
I intend to make it, I will be awake for a few hrs, trying to fix up the thread.
>>36553444
Hmm.. what would you tell someone else feeling these things if you are not in that headspace at that moment? Like, to try and build them up. Or do you feel like you couldn't in a way you yourself believed in it?
>>36553813
So you would like people that share interests first and are nice second, so to say. You need some common ground for positivity to mean anything, to build a human connection. That is not unreasonable, that's very human. And those people very much exist. What are your interests?
>>36554547
You will, in time. Remember that the thing with relapses is that guilt spirals make it harder to recover. Don't play the blame game. Be proud of all the times you didn't do it, how much you resisted. The average time spent relapsing will go down and down, the long term is your measure of success, but as humans we always only feel the short term. Keep little reminders of your past successes in your back pocket, so to say.
>>36556867
First of all, you are in the right place for this.
Self actualization is a human need, and shit like depression can arise from it being neglected. People trying to figure shit out is part of it all. Thinking out loud/rubber ducking has always been part of /sig/. Do you feel like you learned something from putting it into words?

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Okay so here is the thing. I either make the thread NOW or in roughly 10-12 hrs.
Hrm.. I should probably just kill this thread off and make a new one.
>>36557314
You are doing amazing then, anon! I am wishing you all the best, and hope you feel accomplished, you have plenty of reason to!
>>36568725
Diatomaceous earth would murder all bugs indiscriminately by basically covering them in microscopic papercuts, bleeding them out. What techniques have you tried last time?
>>36575598
>>36575620
Still kek'd but took me a moment to look it up.
>>36576056
Hmmm. It sounds like what you could use is affirmation, a way to foster a positive outlook next, if I am making sense. If your standards are too high right now, maybe it would be a good start to really revisit the things that made you feel confident and happy? Reflect upon the accomplishment of having them back?
>>36577635
It's okay, anon.. tell me, can you articulate what makes it scary?

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305/311.
I haven't done this in a while, don't worry I will put a reminder in the next thread to check for replies in the old one.