Silly mare edition.Previous thread: >>41052303Fauster's Story Archive: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1XiJRe1NWl_kIoWsHssZ27BMV7bZAe1jgX59-dWggYkA/Uh-hmmm's Prompt Archives:https://ponepaste.org/1046Have a broken Pastebin link? Replace pastebin.com with poneb.inRemember:not to save anything of value on Pastebinignore all attempts at early new threadsignore new threads by the cheerimac posterkeep your thick, colty mare (or mares) perpetually pregnant and give 'em the licc
Summer's effectively here and your herd is acting like a bunch of living electric blankets. It's now intolerably hot in your bedroom, since there's no A/C in horseland. How do you solve this problem if you don't have a unicorn who can cast a cooling spell?
Derp, forgot pic.
>>41099500Are any of them pegasai?
>>41099500>>41099503>open windows>open fireplace damper>sleep by fireplace (ideally on the floor)>chill
>>41099204>All the stallions of the castle have a crush on Princess Celestia and think they're hiding it well.>They each secretly hope she'll sweep them off of their hooves and make them princes, and so go above and beyond to try and get her attention.>Celestia knows and tries to delicatly balance not making any of them think she wants to date them, but doesn't want to crush their hopes either.>She pretends she doesn't know and lets them each think they haven't been outright rejected by acknowledging them and asking them to do little extra things for her.>The general idea is that they usually "grow out" of their crush on her and end up dating another mare, either a maid or guardmare in the castle.
>>41099500>>41099503I would do odd-jobs (assuming I'm a house-husband) around town to earn some bits that I could use to find some sort of magical cooling device. You can't tell me that a species covered in fur wouldn't come up with something marketable like that.
>>41099576Rarity wasn’t much better
What does shining armour think about sex, and things like bdsm? Also what does he think about twilights boyfriend.
Need fat loser mare...
>>41099913fuckin WEW lad
>>41099913On my way to give compliments to the mares working wagie jobs
>>41099500start farting all the timeI'm kinda worried about this though, because there's no way I can out fart even one horseyeah, this would backfire
>>41100438You Fool!You Foolish Fool!
>>41099576>Celestia was relieved that little cadence took it upon herself to speed up the process>99 percent of matches within the castle staff during her stay was because of her intense shipping fixation
You think mares have opinions on beards?
>>41100762Several years ago it was suggested mares prefer beards because bare skin feels strange to them.
>>41100762>>41100768>anon calls his moustache the "teat tickler"
>>41100310>>41099913What is it with fatties that gets you going? Personally I don't see the appeal
>>41100787I don't know, man, I didn't get to pick my kinks.
>>41100787Fat mares need love too
>>41100787Growing up surrounded by landwhales probably has something to do with it
>Be besties with Caramel and some of his stallion pals>They're pretty easy to get along with and were the first to notice you were male despite having the mannerisms of a rude guardsmare>You officially became besties with Caramel during a spa day he dragged you into when you revealed your whimsical side and had a brief conversation about scarves>But there was something you had never mentioned, you had troubles with women and mares and dragonesses and gryphonesses>Even in RGRE, you were insanely down on your luck with the ladies>You'd run into bitter marecels who wanted a chance to be the one rejecting someone, pick-up artist changelings who vanished after you didn't put out, a raging man-hating they/them, and a rude mare who took you out on a date and insulted you to your face until you cried>That was excluding the mares who had no interest because you were the least colty thing they'd ever seen, and the ones who thought you were a human mare and got mad because 'they ain't no dyke'
>>41100866Sounds like Anon should try his luck with the minos. Given his luck, though, they'd not be into how furless, hornless, or scrawny he is. Or he could at least ask Twi to ask Can't Dance for some help. She'd probably be a sap for trying to help this extreme case find their special someone.He's immune to magic so she can't scan him
>>41100905The minos got massive TITS
>>41100787Not the Anon with a fat fetish, but I can see the apeal for fat ponies.Fat people look awful, but fat horses irl life carry excess weight a lot differently. Not as many folds and flaps, it's more like they're just more rounded and less defined.If ponies are the same, they probably don't look bad, Wow Nelly being the outlier.I imagine pon
>>41100787Thick, meaty asses that will plap nicely when pounded from behind.And unlike IRL fatties, fat mares probably wouldn't taste disgusting when you eat them out. (Seriously, don't ever eat out a fat chick unless she's fresh out of the shower.)
>>41100905>spoilerGuess Condense will have to go old-fashioned on Anon's unlucky ass.>cue the shipping charts that leave no doubt as to why Twi is so into chart-makingShipping is srs bsns.
>>41100866>>You'd run into bitter marecels who wanted a chance to be the one rejecting someone, pick-up artist changelings who vanished after you didn't put out, a raging man-hating they/them, and a rude mare who took you out on a date and insulted you to your face until you cried>Anon opened himself up enough to become vulnerable to othersMistakes number 1.
>>41101285>>cue the shipping charts that leave no doubt as to why Twi is so into chart-making>Ponies assume that Twilight is as neurotic and detail-obsessed because of her time as Celestia's special student>In reality, Celestia's lessons are more art than science, tasking Twilight with contemplating philosophy and asking WHY magic works>Cadence's foal-sitting time with Twilight was full of charts. and red string between pictures of ponies, and recording details about those around her>Ponies think that Twilight is a spergy nerd who wouldn't know a penis if one poked her in the eye>In reality, Twilight is a spergy nerd who can analyze a group of ponies, lock herself in her room, and then emerge 2 days later with a near-perfect shipping chart.>She doesn't have the "shipper's touch" like Cadence has, but she's been taught everything love-butt knows.
>>41100866>Too ugly and awkward to meet anyone on Earth>Too different from the expected model to meet anyone in EquestriaI came here for the escapism, not to ruminate on how being on a different planet won't magically fix all my problems and make me happy.
>>41101459>a spergy nerd who can analyze a group of ponies, lock herself in her room, and then emerge 2 days later with a near-perfect shipping chartSomething something Strange Mood, something something Dorf Fort.>little Twilight was a veritable sponge for all kinds of knowledge>any book she got her cute little hoofsies on she devoured with gusto>metaphorically, of course>among the absorbed knowledge was Candy Ass' shipping autism>the pink nerd used to do it while foalsitting Twiggles>thinking nothing of it, she shared whatever she gleaned about relationships and love to the growing lil' horsie>…and Twilight is nothing if not a diligent student>so it's not that she's completely socially inept>she just can't hide her power level well enough, or at all really>…nor can she ever turn her shipping autism OFF>every time she managed to land a potential coltfriend she ended up making whole chart of potential ships>…which worked well enough for her would-be cf to find a big loving herd that's perfect for him>…leaving the lavender loser all alone time and time again>a-at least the other ponies are happy, right?>i-it's g-good to h-help others, r-right?
>>41101586>It breaks her heart every times he does all the math and personality matching and realizes that her coltfriend would legitimately be happier without herMan, I wanna hug this dumb nerd so bad.
>>41101589Shit, I didn't think of that. It's actually even worse — not just losing a coltfriend, but actually KNOWING, with a certainty of a mathematical expression, that he's better off without you. God, that sounds like, hopefully unintentional, self-inflicted torture.Romance or not, I want to hug that nerd too. She really needs it.
>>41101586She has the power to same everypony else.But not herself.
>>41101652>Meets Anon>Gets along with him really well>Is having a nice romantic evening with him>Acting strangely, tensely>Finally breaks down and tells him that she's capable of almost mathematically determining someone's perfect mate, and she doesn't want to do with with Anon and find out - again - that the man she loves would be objectively happier without her
>>41101881>She can’t turn it off remember.>She would have already found out.
>>41101918She'd still need to do the actual calculations, or whatever it is Love Butt does for that stuff.It'll just be nagging at her, an itch in the back of her mind urging her to do it, to know for sure.It's like a suicide watch, romantic suicide in this case. You can't let that plump purple plot out of your sight for even a moment.Otherwise she does a quick napkin math-tier matchmaking and has a breakdown because Loira ended up being your soulmate or some such bollocks.
The main driver behind Equestrian computing development is the complex shipping calculations devised by Candace.
>>41101918>She's run the numbers again and again, and she can't believe it.>Anon is perfect.>Literally, mathematically perfect for her.>She starts asking him a bunch of embarrassing questions.>There has to be something she's missing.>An incompatible fetish, an allergy to books, a distaste for mares who still cuddle with stuffed animals.>Anon just pats her head and tells her to relax.>He's... not upset? He's actually helping her to calm down.>That shouldn't happen!>All her other dates were making excuses to leave at this point!>There has to be something wrong.>She explains to him that sooner or later he'll find out that they're incompatible.>He just... laughs!>He's laughing at MATH!>That's got to be a sign that everything is wrong!>He pats her head and tells her that everything is going to be fine.>She sighs, and explains to him that she is statistically unlovable.>He responds by gripping her in a massive hug.>Tears flow down her face as she insists that he'll only make himself miserable in the long run.>He kisses her and says that won't ever happen.>She sighs.>Idiot ape can't understand simple probabilities.>And she loves him for it.
>>41101447Anon was fooled by myths of snowpity.
>>41101881This could be an episode in RGRE with herding that boils down to 'Cadance only taught Twilight Shipping 101 and Advanced Shipping 111, but not Complex Shipping 180'
>>41102079"This world was supposed to be perfect sunbutt. Why is it just like my home world?">"I am sorry my young human, I know you had expectations that my little ponies have failed to live up to. Do not despair, opportunity will find you."
>>41102218>"To quote my little ponies, there's always more apples in the orchard."
>>41101586>borgerhorse is explaining the system to Anon during Cultural Information Exchange Hour, one of the BS things Celestia made up to give him a salary over since he refused raw handouts>it even goes as far as links between coat and mane colors and how RGB values will establish hierarchies in just one direction that can fuddle earlier work>Anon introduces the concept of subtractive color and CYMK to her, thinking it might give some leeway>Twilight.exe not found as she suddenly realizes how she can now back-trace her own threads to discover where they should have started
>Twilight can't take the suspense any longer>Does the math>Heart breaks when her fears are confirmed, Anon would be legitimately happier if he were with some other specific mare(s)>Offers to help Anon move out>Anon tears her parchment paper up>Anon doesn't care about what her formulas say>He loves this weird dumb nerd
>>41101586>be purplehoarse>get posessed by a strange mood>lock myself in my room, no food, nothing, must finish this thing>come out 3 days later, no sleep>with a masterpiece marble statue of anon kissing you on the lips (the face ones), with a commemoration date 2 days from now>you never learned how to sculpt, and after the fey mood, you don't remember how you did it>2 days pass>buck it, kiss anon on the lips>anon kisses back>buck yea coltfriend acquired>thank you Armokwe don't speak of the time applejack was also posessed by a fey mood but she painted a picture of herself and granny smithArmok gives, and Armok takes.
>>41101447>>41101464>mares aren't interested in anon because he's about as far from a dainty stallion as you can get>even Big Mac's stoicism pales in comparison>a few mares are either desperate or just want to claim they banged the alien, but leave when anon doesn't put out immediately>worse yet, they leave after he does put out>femanon is having a slightly easier time, making fast friends with the supreme gentlemares like Fluttershy and Rarity
Thick, meaty mares who probably squeal adorably when they feel your seed splash into their womb.
Thick, meaty studs who probably squeal adorably when they feel your seed splash into their coltpussy.
>>41102994That ain't no meat, that's FAT.Guess someone's gotta give the poor mare a good workout…>>41103054>one of Anon's stal pals is about to go full ethot>it's up to the unlikely alliance of Anon and Caramel to set the stallion straight>…possibly in more than one way, judging by some of the "content" he's made
>>41102862>Be school-aged Twily>Start seeing everything in hearts and math formulae>Muse hits you like 10 tons of bricks>Start sculpting a meticulously detailed, 10x scale statue of your brother's erect cock (for science, entirely innocent science)>Seated on a throne at the top is his future wife>Chrysalis. You know the name. It's the Cool Bug Name for a Cool Big Brother.>Only an aerodynamic wife will do. Shiny NEEDS a mare who will support his Wife Throwing ambitions>Plus changelings can turn into ANY wife they want, even copyrighted ones, so your brother can have allllll the superheroine fantasies he wants>Except you're having a lot of trouble drilling the holes just right>TFW it ends up looking like that bitch skank who keeps running off with the royal guards and wasting Celestia's valuable Twilight Teaching Time>TFW your autism senses tell you somewhere, a thousand miles away, your brother's fuck-powered ideal waifu got cucked so hard by future You that she's starving Right Now>TFW you may have just damned all of Equestria because mommy doesn't trust you with the good drill but hey hey hey at least he's marrying rich?>>41101996>>41101586If Twilight has confirmed shipping powers, does this put her into conflict with Cadance's love domain?How powerful are her shipping powers? Is it expressing fate? Mind control?Are her declarations taken as divinely ordained/ontologically Good?Or would an incestuous/foalphilic ship be taken as evidence of FutureCrime?You've spat out a fuckton of fascinating possibilities in three shitposts, folks
>>41103132>does this put her into conflict with Cadance's love domain?I think it does, but only as much as apprentice's work would conflict with the master's. That is, rarely, if ever.>How powerful are her shipping powers? Is it expressing fate? Mind control?I think, and that's just my take on it, Candy Ass has a connection to the domain of Love, which among other things gives her that special kind of intuition and an insight into the hearts of others.Whereas Twiggles, on the other hand, does it through complex math and a thorough analysis of the ponies shipped.Basically, divine oracle versus Hari Seldon's psychohistory.>Are her declarations taken as divinely ordained/ontologically Good?Probably as math-backed theories, for those that care about such things.So, only a few ponies really give a hoot about any of it.>would an incestuous/foalphilic ship be taken as evidence of FutureCrime?I don't think something like that even comes up. There are probably assumptions that the ship in question is both moral and legal, which would rule out both of those things.I feel like the idea of any serious "shipping science" would strive to create stable hue and healthy long-term relationships, whether mono, or herd-based.>You've spat out a fuckton of fascinating possibilities in three shitposts, folksThanks, we have our top shitposters on it.
>>41102884I can't take this anymore.
>>41103132>this pichttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0Bxz-SIZ_c
>>41103132>>Only an aerodynamic wife will do. Shiny NEEDS a mare who will support his Wife Throwing ambitions
>>41102884>femanon is having a slightly easier timeNO FUCKING ESCAPE EVEN IN RGRE, NO FUCKING ESCAPE
>>41097958>Priness Cadence and Shining Armor make a surprise visit at Ponyville>Shining suddenly takes you for a "colt's night out">Leaving Cadence with Twilight>"Drop and give me 50!">"What?!">The Princess of Love, wearing a drill seargent's hat, slaps away Twilight's book and yells at her ear with her Canterlot Voice>"You heard me Private Sparkle! 100!>"B-But I don't get-">"Now!">Twilight had no choice but to get down and start doing push-ups>"From now on gentlecolt I'll be babysitting you until our husbands get back.">"This isn't like babysitting like I was a kid! Cadence-">A pink hoof nearly stomps on her head>"Yipe!">Cadence snorted>"This is for the good of your marriage between Anonymous, Sparkle."
>>41102241>there's always more apples in the orchard.>"Welcome to the apple orchards motherbucker!"i can easily see apple family properties turning into horse!vietnam. no wonder not even the crown wants to fuck with them
I just got some blood work done, and they filled a bunch of vials.So I was wondering what would mares think about a man using blood magic to check for sickness.Would twilight be interested or try and teach the misguided male about proper magic use, and help him get over his silly ideas.
>>41104366What do you mean by using blood magic? Just testing blood like humans normally do? I guess we haven't ever done hematologist in RGRE before.
>>41104366And then all thebponies said whoa
>>41104366>So I was wondering what would mares think about a man using blood magic>tfw some mares try to drag you to a horsepital after finding you severly bleeding over your kitchen sink filled with your own blood and stones that you wanted to turn into tier 1 blank slates to expand your blood altar.man now i want to play some ancient magic mods for minecraft again.
>>41104532Mares these days. Sometimes a man just wants to do a little blood ritual to the allgiver as thanks for the blessings given, or as payment for a request.LET ME MAKE A BLOOD RITUAL AND SUMMON THE INFINITE CHOCOLATE BAR GODDAMMIT.
>>41104532Twilight needs to stop being a high horse. Blood magic is only immoral if you STEAL the blood. The blood in my body is MINE, as is the energy contained within!Make sure your mare understands that YES means YES, fellas.
>>41102241"I'm more of a pear bottom guy.">"Ah, that explains your problem. Pears are on the west coast area. You only find Apples around here."
>>41104532Damn, that is ancient. I don't think I played anything with blood magic since 2014.
>when your diamond dog mate suggests that you and her break out the peanut butter
>>41104503I was more thinking that Twilight and the rest of the mane 6 are sent to take care of the blood mage.Some elements are like maybe she is good and not evil, we have heard that she heals creatures and is nice to everyone.Twilight says that no one who can do blood magic is good and that blood magic is evil, then she meets Anon sees his large legs, Anon picks her up gives her belly rubs, and stuff she vows to save this fair prince from the blood mage, until she finds out it is Anon and changes her mind about evil magic saying that it is all fine, or she tries to teach her proper magic kinda similar to how white people would try and force their culture/ religion onto Jews natives, and everything else.Most ponies are like wow that’s neat hey do you also make food.Anons biggest magical accomplishment would probably getting twilight to try new forms of magic and use those types of magic and develop them to help people.
>>41105672"What is the explanation this time miss Spitfire? You fell on it? Again?">captcha: 8TR0TLooks like someone's got the trots. Better see a doctor about it.
>>41105672I thought she was dripping hot wax onto her cunt for a second.
>>41105219I was going to say 2014 wasn't that long ago, but fuck, it kinda is now.
>>41105779...You ask her how she even know about that stuff.
>>411060422010+ is still current events, forever.
>>41106160Commonly sold in diamond dog society, interestingly enough.
I've been trying to find this one fic of an AiE rgre story about Anon being abused and being scared to interact with mares. I forget the plot, but I remember it ends with him only going to Fluttershy's to help her feed her animals.
>>41100438>he hasn't read "mares only want one thing"
>>41106204>Anon constantly unwittingly commits faux pass with every species he meets, even the disguised changelings>it's always of the risque variety in some way>first time was when he was trying to buy socks>not knowing they're considered a form of lingerie among the ponies>it was made worse by some perma-blue-balled stallionist making a scene and calling Anon "a traitor to the cause">…whatever "the cause" was>then the guards showed up to inquire what was all the noise about>Anon explains to the best of his ability why he was looking for some "lingerie" in a family store>guards think he's pulling their legs>he shows him the ones he's got on>…now he's got their attention>explains his lack of fur and how cold Canterlot tends to get at night>a private in the back is about to offer herself to warm his bed at night>she is, however, promptly bucked out of the store in one swift well-practiced move by her superior>while Anon likely won't file a complaint, the other stallions in the earshot just might>Anon just laughs it off>says he really didn't know about this article of clothing being anything lewd and apologizes for causing a scene>ponies being ponies, everyone kinda lets it slide>the crazy stallion is given a stern talking to and is scared shitless as a result>guards walk Anon back to the castle just in case>next time it's the peanut butter incident with the diamond dog ambassador>after that it's the honey and the reformed changelings>and the mango incident…>he's on the first name basis with the guards at this point>dealing with Anon's accidental antics is always the highlight of their day>such is life in RGREquestria
>>41106406>The guards call Anon "Five O'Clock Charlie" for how reliable he is
What cheesy action flick would you put on to mess with mares' heads by showing them lots of male deaths?
>You are Aria Blaze, alpha predator if there ever was one.>Before you came to this two legged world you were a siren who defended her pack, making sure your sisters were safe.>Family is the most important thing for you, even here.>You may not have the speed the water and your fins once gave you, but you still have the muscles.>Though you and your sisters look like the other humans in this world, you are all at least two or three times stronger than any human you meet with you being even more.>People knew to see that strength when they saw you.>It only takes one time of someone fucking around before they found out.>Now learning that phrase alone is almost worth being banished and turned into a human yourself... almost.>But that strength also means people leave your sisters and especially you alone out of fear.>You're okay with that.>After all, you just needed your sisters, your family...>The thought made you remember seeing human families in this world.>How happy the women look with their mates.>It makes you wonder if having a mate is worth it.>You never had a mate before, even as a siren.>Male sirens were scarce and needed to be protected if you ever found one.>Some packs went their entire lives without finding a mate.>Here there are more males, but they seem to be quantity over quality.>You need to be impressed by one before you make any effort, and this world has not impressed.>Your sisters feel the same as well.>These are the thoughts you have during a run.>A loud argument catches your attention.>It is two guys and a woman.>The males, primarily one is being loud and getting in the other ones face.>"Why the fuck do you think you can be talking to my woman like that!?">The loud one with the woman yells at the second one.>Typical catty males.>"Look man, I said I was sorry. I didn't know she was spoken for. All I did was say she looked good and wanted to talk with her. She never said she had a boyfriend.">The taller one replies.>"Nuh-uh, that shit won't fly. This about you not knowing your place. Now you're about to get fucked up.">The smaller one says while putting up his fists.>Oh for the love of the sea, he put his thumb into his fist.>"Look, you really don't want to do this. I said I was sorry, it was a mistake, and we can end it there. You throw a swing at me though and then I will end it there.">Without even noticing, you slowed down and were staring at the altercation.>You examine the taller male and see his stance.>He doesn't have a fist raised but he moved his feet shifted so he can react easier.>"Oh, I'm gonna fucking end it myself!">The small one threw a punch and the big one moved to the side and countered with a strong right the the small one's temple.>The tiny one went down quick.>Wow, nice punch.>"Oh you cock!">The woman yells and is about to attack him.>You can't let that slide.>A woman can't just up and fight a guy like this, and the guy might be able to handle a guy but a woman?
>>41106789>You close the gap and get ready to stop her but she swung at him before you could stop her.>This turned out not to be a problem, since he moved to dodge, grabbed her shirt at the shoulders and pulled her down into his raised knee.>His knee met her face with a meaty thud and she fell next to her male.>You just stared at the male still standing.>"Stupid backwards world.">He says to himself and then notices you.>"Oh shit. Hey, look ot was self defense. They came after me and I just reacted. Please don't call the cops or anything.""No, I saw the whole thing. They came at you first.">"Oh thank god. Most people don't seem to listen to guys here let alone believe them.""Here?">You ask.>Is it possible?>"Huh? Did I? I mean, well, here as in not where I'm from. Which is not here. Not somewhere else that magic had no part of getting me here or anything. That would be crazy! Haha!">He says rubbing the back of his neck looking everywhere but at you.>"I'm sorry if I seem off. It's... it's been a day. I'd tell you about it but I don't think you'd believe me.">He says downtroddenly.>He seems honest, but a little awkward.>You can relate to him that way."Try me.">"Huh?""I said 'try me' as in tell me.">"Really?""Really. Walk with me. Might not be good to stay here.">You start walking and hope beyond hope he will walk with you.>Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease->You hear his footsteps follow you.>YES!>"Hey, wait up. And thanks, for being willing to listen. Even I think I'm a little crazy for what happened.""It may not be as crazy as you think. Nice punch too by the way.">Oh yeah, smooth as tartarus.>And you might get your pack a worthy mate while you're at it.
>>41106724If I want psychic damage, forget the cheesy action movies and put on Alien.
>guys do you think my favorite movie would impress mares and make them all get wet for me?
>>41106789>You are Aria Blazeno thanks bro, I like being me
>>41106826I would wanna have a stallion's movie night and watch Beverly Hills Ninja with the boys
as if any of you have the balls to knee someone in the face for any reason
>>41106861
>>41106724Good old saving private Ryan would do the trick
>>41106814>"Hey Anon, have you ever been mistaken for a mare?""No, have you?">this_kills_the_mare.jpg
>>41106791Continue
>>41106861I did that once to a kid as a kid, made me feel fucking invincible.
>>41106814I would throw The Thing in with it since that film is literally all men.
>>41106724All Quiet on the Western Front
>>41106406>it was a hot summer day and anon was hungry>so he stood in the royal kitchen, shirtless, sweaty, and with a peanut butter sandwich in his hands>he heard a noise from behind him and dropped the sandwich in surprise, coating his chest and shorts in streaks of peanut butter>when he turns around to angrily shout at whoever scared him he suddenly stood face to face with the diamond dog ambassador>when she saw and smelled anon, her tail started to wag and she looked at him like a piece of fresh meat as she slowly moved towards him>20min later the guards find anon lying on the floor of the royal kitchen, diamond dog ambassador sitting on his face while she sensually licked the peanut butter off his body>something something pony/diamond dog relations have improved a lot>something something anon gets an invitation to the diamond dog kingdom to meet the queen for some "cookies" and teaIdk I tried
>>41106826If my goal were to moisten rather than shock my mare, I would do the following:>Be me>Need pussy but being an overcomplicated dipshit about it (I am assimilating into Equestrian culture shut up)>Bring Applejack to impromptu drive-in movie. Make up some story about it being the last thing I watched with my mom if she questions anything.>Put on Dracula, the cheesy old kind not one of the new goth fuccboi takes>The genius of the plan is twofold:>One, Applejack might get super horny at the thought of having to teach some manners to a rich playboy who just can't stop eating mares, honest!>Two, I can pretend to be scared and make her promise to protect me, slowly upping the ante until she's promising to protect me, the foals, and the 3 shelter dogs we rescued from Fluttershy's den of zoophilia, in the top floor of Sweet Apple Acres>Thus, a young eligible bachelor may make his availability and desire known to a mare, without dishonoring the both of them by asking the mare to marry/fuck him
>>41107895
>>41107895>tail started to wag>sitting on his faceCareful of those spikes, anon.
Pegasus mares whip up wind gusts for the purpose of lifting unsuspecting stallions tails. They are mildly perturbed they cannot do the same with your pants. It may even drive Rainbow Dash to study law in an attempt to ban wearing belts in Ponyville.
>>41106791I like this, give more pls
>>41108160>This kickstarts Rainbow Dash's unlikely career into law
>>41108160>>41108539>Rainbow Dash thought trying to pass some sort of "no pants" policy (if you're dancing next to me) would be easy, right?>"That alien colt is hot, let me see the penis" is something that any red-blooded Equestrian mare would sympathize with>But she runs into a roadblock>Namely, various laws protecting stallions from being molested.>BUT!>There's bound to be a loophole, right?>Some sort of definition of "stallion" that doesn't technically include Anon?>In fact, she wonders, how WOULD one describe Anon in legal-ese?>She has to know that if she's ever going to argue why either doesn't qualify for these protective laws, or that his 'pants' are inappropriate>Before she knows it, she has drafted a bill arguing that by several technicalities (cross-referencing various 'non-Equestrian vs Equestria' cases that demonstrate how the courts set presidents with foreigners), Anon's pants should not be covering his dick area>Twilight is legitimately impressed at the legal language used and the depths of the research Rainbow went to to argue her case>It doesn't pass as a law, of course, but Rainbow discovers a talent she never knew she had>10 years later, she's an established attorney and Anon works for her as her secretary
>>41108539>Rainbow Dash, Attour- Awesome at Law!
>>41106814>movie for raw psychic damageThat'd be Come and See, but to be honest, I would not dare to show something like that to the mares. They deserve better than this.
>>41108559Rarity would be outright pissed if she found out her friend is undermining her hard work and would study law as well
>>41109100>It's just Phoenix Wright, with Rainbow as the defense attorney and Rarity as prosecution >Rarity loves the dramatics of the court room
What horsey movies would mares show (You) in an attempt to make (You) go woah?
>>41109334Whatever the Equestrian equivalent of Fight Club is. Assuming RGRE mares = IRL filmbros.
>>41109178Game Phoenix Wright with all the exaggerated expressions or anime Phoenix Wright where objections make shockwaves that throw people across the courtroom?
>>41109347Both sounds good
>>41109347>or anime Phoenix Wright where objections make shockwaves that throw people across the courtroom?Well, I guess I need to become a weeb and watch that animu. Because that sounds rad as fuck.
>>41109339Friendship Club with Maud and Pinkie as protagonists?I'd watch that in a heartbeat!
>Be Rarity>You had been lucky enough to be invited to Canterlot with Twilight>Your friend had a ceremony that she had been forced to attend and she hadn't wished to go alone>Of course, you were thrilled >You made dresses for both yourself and Twilight>The day came>Everything went perfectly>It was wonderful, and refined, and absolutely, positively elegantly elegant>You were able to rub shoulders with the noble elite as well>Baronesses, countesses, mares of high status and well-to-do families>It was like a dream>A dream which you indulged yourself as much as you were able>The ladies were so impressed--or, more likely, bemused by your antics--that you and Twilight were invited to a small gathering at the castle>Very exclusive>Not many were invited >To your surprise, Princess Luna was in attendance>She had invited a strange fellow with her>He was Anonymous>A creature that the Celestial Sisters had taken a great interest in from what you could gather>He seemed somewhat a mystery>You had attempted to speak to Twilight about him, seeing as her and her old teacher were so close, you were told that it was a "private matter">Ohhhh, how you wanted to know more when she had said that, but you were in the midst of good company>It would have been unseemly to be so nosey>Sometime later perhaps>This Anon was seated in a chair that seemed specifically made for him>There were a few noble stallions in the room, but they seemed to give him a wide berth, glancing at him every so often while they huddled together, whispering and giggling>Anon didn't seem to even notice, sipping from a crystal cup>You had asked a servant what he was drinking>When she said it was gin you hadn't believed her>That was too much for a colt, no matter how... large>Surely it was some sugar water with a splash of liqueur>You and the ladies were at the other end of the room>Drinks had been handed out, as had been cigars>There was a thick cloud of smoke in the air as you all chatted>You spoke about a great range of things>Economics, the state of the kingdom, life, war, glory, death>"And what about love?" one of the mares, a general you believed asked>A countess snorted, sipping her brandy>"What of it?" she asked.>"Glory and honor are great things, we are all in agreement, but should there be consideration for love?" the general asked, looking at all of you>You all stopped speaking, looking pensive and thoughtful
>>41110022>"Love is nothing more than a fancy of colts, lass," a grizzled old mare said with a dismissive wave of the hoof. "It helps them be happy. Nothing we need to concern ourselves with.">"In that it has its uses," another noble said, wiggling her eyebrows. "Love does help a cock pop out of its sheath, no?">There was a chorus of chuckling>Princess Luna, who was in the center of group smiled>She looked over all of you toward Anon, who seemed to be lost in his own little world>"Talk such as this would be the realm of my niece. As she is not here, why don't we ask a male's thoughts on love? Anonymous?">Anon perked up>He looked over at you all>"We are discussing love, and if it is worth any sort of consideration. I would value your thoughts on it, if you would humor us.">Anon stood up>The movement was so fluid that you and most of the mares twitched>You had never seen anything move like he had...>"Love is a very powerful thing," he said, his accent... strange>His voice seemed to rumble deep in his chest>His words were unsure, as if he wasn't quite sure of Equish>"There is a reason why people destroy themselves just for the pale imitation of it.">"And that is done often?" one of the mares politely asked>Anon nodded>"It is for my people. Many go their whole lives looking for it. It's a rare; very hard to find and to keep.">"You make it sound like a garden," a mare said, which garnered chuckles>The big colt shrugged>"It's something that must be worked on every day. Little things, big things. You can have a burning passion for a person that makes you want to weep, but if you don't tend to it it will fade eventually.">He took a sip of his drink>"You're right about me comparing it to a garden. I think love is a living, breathing thing. Delicate at times, but as strong as iron if well kept.">He shrugged>"I'm sure there are better ways to explain love, and I know I'm not the most eloquent person, but that's my thoughts as best as I can describe.">There was some polite hoof stomping at the stallion's words>"You sound like an earth pony. Well said," an old mare said, raising her glass toward him>Anon looked toward Princess Luna, who nodded her head>Taking that as some sort of que, he sat back down>Unfortunately, you just had to ask something"Dear, if I may, what if love is extinguished?">Anon looked at you>"Try re-light it. If you realize nothing is there any longer depart from the person," he said. "There's no worse poison to the soul than living that sort of lie.">It was Twilight's turn to pip up>"What if then ending of the relationship is because of your significant other?""How so, ma'am?">Twilight looked uncomfortable>"Say... one isn't faithful to the other," she almost mumbled
>>41110025>"It depends on the person, miss," Anon replied. "I couldn't say what other people would do in that situation. Only what I might do.">"Oh... and what would you do, if you don't mind me asking.">"Kill the woman," he replied. "Beat her lover, but kill her.">You all paused>There was no anger in his face>He had said he would kill as casually as a pony asking after the weather>He was the picture of foal-like innocence>Except his eyes>They were...>Princess Luna let out a snort, and you had to admit that the sudden noise made you jump>You looked over to see her trying her hardest not to smile>"You will have to forgive, Anonymous here, ladies," she said. "He is a strange duck. You here might consider him a tad old fashioned.">Anon took a sip of his drink>He looked over at the group of stallions, who shied away from his gaze>That gaze softened as he looked over at all of you>Even so, you found yourself shivering
>>41110030I'm sure a Saddle Arabian would agree.
>>41110030>>Princess Luna let out a snort, and you had to admit that the sudden noise made you jump>>You looked over to see her trying her hardest not to smile>Luna having a type for dangerous males>"I love the kind of colt that might just kill me."
>>41110030>"Oh... and what would you do, if you don't mind me asking.">"Kill the woman," he replied. "Beat her lover, but kill her.">You all paused>There was no anger in his face>He had said he would kill as casually as a pony asking after the weather>He was the picture of foal-like innocence>Except his eyes>They were...that's so hardcore anon good job
>>41110030
>>41110247she's a good poner who knows what she likesalso>implying even the strongest human could harm a literal goddess unless she wanted him to
>>41110030>The castle staff think the resident alien is weird>That's saying something as well, since one sees some weird shit in Canterlot Castle>He liked to wander around the castle halls, scaring the living daylights out of the guards because he was so darn quiet>He didn't speak Equish very well, and would often stop maids and officials to practice, even if they had important things to get to>Court intrigue, usually the bread and butter for most stallions, just seemed to confuse him>He liked to get up randomly throughout the night>Guards would find him seated quietly, his eyes closed>The clothes fetish was confusing and somewhat upsetting, even by Canterlot's lax standards>He liked to ask the guards for their weapons randomly>The cooks were also certain that he was the one that kept carving smiley faces into fruit that they'd find in the dining hall>The noble colts fled from him like he had the plague, and there were reports that he had found an assassin and threw the individual out a window with their wings tied>He sure was a weird duck alright, but occasionally the maids were able to get him to help them reach high places for cleaning>He also gave the guards some entertainment whenever he walked by>Most importantly though, the princesses seemed to really enjoy having him around>They just wish he wouldn't say his weird stuff then just walk away
>>41110535>>41110631"Luna, I'm worried about you.">"What is making you worry Anonymous?">Anon cuts the distance between them in a blink of an eye>"About your life... At how easy it could be for someone to snuff out your flame in such a vulnerable position.">"That's nice babe.">Luna gives Anon a wet kiss on the cheek and a smack on his ass wit her wing>"Also I'm getting kind of hungry, could you you fix us up some snacks from the royal kitchen.">His facade didn't seem to change but she could tell has a bit annoyed>"I shall eradicate the concepts of world hunger starting with you princess.">The human walks towards the opposite end of the hall, leaving the princess>A nearby guard looks at her funny before she gives her a knowing look>"Colts am I right?"
>>41106724Saving Private Ryan or The Last Samurai
>>41110022>>Drinks had been handed out, as had been cigars>>There was a thick cloud of smoke in the air as you all chattedDisgusting
>>41110030Top fucking kek, it was so poetic and very nice, then suddenly that lmao
>>41110980Fag
>>41110631As cliche as it is to always have Anon in the castle with the princesses, it does make the most sense. I don't mean just for some strategic value, or to learn about him and his race, but because he's just so damn new and exotic. Something actually interesting for two what might as well be immortal princesses.
>>41107940Too complicated.>Be in RGRE.>Crave sexo.>Go outside.>Choose random mare off street.>Go up to her and say"Hey BB, want sum fuk?""Yes, seriously.""No, I'm not a prostitute.""Im just horny and thought you looked hot.""Yes, seriously.""No, I'm not a cop.""No, this isn't a setup.""No, it's not a prank.""No, I'm not trying to mug you.""Yes, seriously.""Yes, right now.""No, there are no strings attached.""Yes, seriously.""No, I'm not trying to trick you.""I'm being 100% perfectly honest, right now. I want to have random, hot, casual, no-strings-attached sex with you specifically. Right now." "Yes, seriously.""...">Then you take her into the nearest alley, and fucc her nice and good behind a dumpster 'till you're both satisfied.>Give her a firm smack on the rear, and say"Thanks, candyass, that was fun. See you around.">Leave her confused and unsure if she should feel lucky or degraded .
>>41111052Ew, I don't want to fuck some random mare without even getting to know her or her favorite Battlemace 50,000,000 faction.
>>41110030I agree with this anon, death to cheaters and crippeling beatings to the other partaker of said cheating, nice to see a green with a anon that is not a doormat bitch, edge baby.
>>41105672I love a mare with a good flare
>>41111527The other partakers doesn't always know that they are cheating though.
>>41110677>Patrick Bateman in Equestria.
Would you let Rainbow Dash defend you in the court of law?
>>41111939No but I would let Twilight be my lawyer.
>>41111970But what if Rainbow can actually manage to quantify the concept of 'awesome' and prove with evidence in a court of law that your stake to the claim of being "8% more awesome" than the country's historical average? What then, are you going to ask Twilight to make a graph about why the concept of 'awesome' is immaterial and can't be meaningfully quantified? Congrats, that graph is now labeled "exhibit A" and helped put your ass behind bars. And ponice chief Cuddle Wings is not a gentle mistress.
>>41111052>Three days later you open your door and see her kneeling in front of you, asking for your weird hoofspiders in mareiage.>Momma rised her right and Celestia damn it if shes not ganna make her proud and take responsibility.
>>41112081>Twilight vs. Rainbow in court and it plays out like the R. Kelly episode of the Boondocks where Twilight's airtight case is completely shattered by Rainbow's Appeal to Awesomeness
>>41112081If Rainbow Dash can quantify awesomeness then why wouldn't Twilighg be able to do the same?
I don't think that picking up your mare would necessarily emaresculate her. Like, if an 11-foot-tall woman scooped me up and decided to carry me around with her, there honestly isn't very much I can do to escape. I could try to stab her with something sharp that's on my person, but then I risk failing to escape THEN and having a pissed off stronk-ass giant whose grasp I would already trapped within. I bet that your mare would put up with it and just shrug when ponies inevitably stared at her. >"It's that Anonymous again, carrying around his wife."
>>41112104Because she's the autist who learned about friendship naturally by experiencing life with different ponies, and then decided that the best way to help other ponies make friends is to put them in fucking Friendship School and teach them out of a book. Twilight might be book-smart, but she's dumb as shit otherwise.
What sort of cultural differences do ponies have that isn't a 1:1 reversal of regular human gender culture shit? Stuff that isn't >Mrs. Cake likes to build things out of wood, has a dozen half-complete projects around the house that she says she'll get finished "soon", and refuses to throw any of the tools in her shed away despite their advanced age and states of decay
>>41112141Most of that will be to justify the setting.>herding and all that entails.>Mares being dominant because magic is stronger in females or due to a big female/male ratio (someone has to do the work). Stallions like Starswirl and Shining are anomalies.>Stallions can still be strong like Big Mac if they put in the effort, but they will get bodied by magic most of the time anyway.When you really look at RGRE stories, you'll find most of them are just reflections of our world; hence the "reversed gender roles."
>>41110535Luna and Celestia both lost a fight to a thorn bush once. It's incredible to me that people still believe they have any level of self-competence.
>>41112412Pretty much all people/pones would lose to that thorn bush though.
>>41112304I know, but I like autisitic worldbuilding.
>>41112141>>refuses to throw any of the tools in her shed away despite their advanced age and states of decay>Anon and Pinkie have been dating for a bit.>They're about to go out one afternoon, but have to talk to Mrs. Cake before they go.>Find her out in her work shed.>Anon sees her decrepit collection of tools, in dire need of repair.>He was a hobbyist back home, and is horrified to see all of these tools so badly mistreated.>Goes into an autistic fit where he complains about how badly maintained the tools are and starts doing his best to fix them.>Mrs. Cake is defensive at first, but Anon genuinely seems to know what he's talking about.>She's flabbergasted when a saw that's been dull for decades is suddenly cutting like it's brand new.
fuck jannies
>>41110631>Be Cadence>You were in Canterlot for a meeting of the world's leaders>This sort of thing was done every once in awhile>Your auntie Celestia was insistent >It helped 'keep harmony for all' as she said>You really didn't mind it>It was more boring that you would have liked, a lot of passive aggressive comments, charts, and the yeti diplomat trying to sell you all magical shaved ice, but at least Shining got to bring Flurry to his parents>The latest series of meetings and luncheons had just finished, and you had some time before convening with your fellow alicorns about what had happened today>Being stuffed in a chair all day had made you ache, so you were walking around to get some of the blood flowing>You knew this castle like the back of your hoof, so you were just walking through the less well known halls, lost in thought>"SIR! WILL YOU PLEASE PUT THE EMPRESS DOWN?!">"Sir, you're doing to cause a scene.">"PUT HER DOWN, YOU BIG, STUPID... THING!">You ears perked up as the sounds of a commotion came to your ears>Oh...>That didn't sound good...>Slightly concerned, you broke out into a trot>Turning the corner, you saw a peculiar sight>You had met the alien Anonymous a few times>He was... odd>Relatively harmless-- he was great with Flurry--but he was a weird duck, just like the castle staff said>He was there, looking somewhat please with himself>There was five guards, and two burly dragons, also in armor plate>Empress Ember was there was well>Anon was holding the dragon lord by the throat, lifting her bodily into the air while she, wide-eyed thrashed smacked and clawed at his arms>...>You rubbed your eyes>Maybe you had just been in meetings for too long and were seeing things?>Unfortunately, that didn't seem to be the case>Even after the eye rubbing, you still saw the alien strangling the dragoness you had just spent ten hours with"...Anon?">Anon looked away from Ember toward you>He smiled>"Hello, Princess," he said, with that weird accent. "How was your meetings today?""Good, good," you replied, trotting over to him>Freaking out wouldn't be a good idea you felt>Male or not, Anon seemed pretty strong>You knew what a dragon could do, and he was just holding her up>Extremely emareculating for her sure, but you didn't need to escalate the situation "Anon?">"Yes, ma'am?""Could you tell me why you're trying to kill the Empress of the Dragonlands?">Anon seemed to consider your words for a moment while Ember wetly gargled>He then smiled once again>"I was walking to the kitchens when the blue dragon and the other two attempted to corner me," he said. "I was told they were trying to force the princesses to sell me to her so I could be the blue dragon's--">He shook Ember around>"--Pet. I attempted to leave, but they stopped me and insisted that I'd need to start packing now.">One of the dragon bodyguards turned toward you>"Princess, he can't--" she began, only to stop when she saw you face
>>41112589wow amazing this anon is so badass
>>41112589>You thought yourself to be a pretty laid back princess>But slavery?>Oh, you didn't like that one bit>Nor would your aunties you believed"Did they hurt you at all, Anon?" you asked>The alien shook his head>"They attempted to, but I managed to grab this one," he said, giving her a few more shakes. >His smile widened>"Princess, would it be alright if I killed this one?" he asked. "If you kill a dragon you become a saint amongst my people. She might be a little one, but a dragon is a dragon.">Ember, who was turning into an interesting shade of purple, thrashed even harder>You frowned>You recall Luna saying he knew about dragons and unicorns>They were on his world a long time ago you think>A lot of them died out because of some sort of flood?>...>Well, that didn't matter at the moment>As much as the empress here might have deserved a thrashing, you didn't want an international incident breaking out on your watch"Actually, Anon, I'd rather you put her down," you said with a smile. "I'd like to take her to Celestia and Luna so we can have a... conversation.>A flash of fear crossed Ember's face
>>41112606>>41112589whoa
>>41112604It's a bit edgy but it's a nice break from the usual misanthropic doomer shit we get so often on this board.>>41112606>>41112589Please continue>>41112141Personally I like the idea of ponies being more in line with human gender stereotypes but with the strength/magic/whatever and dominant/fairer sex dynamics flipped. Play with the concept, rather than just taking 1950s dating advice and replacing the word 'woman' with 'stallion.'>Mares dress up like girly girls to peacock around and pick up stallions (who are more drably dressed. Saddle Arabian modesty angle optional). Stallions wearing gaudy fashion would be seen as desperate by mares and slutty by other stallions.>Cheerleading and high agility sports are more popular, stallions' sports leagues have a stereotype of being really meatheaded and boring to watch. Before the games begin, it's customary to warm everyone up with a few rounds of sweaty hunky stallions bashing into each other so you can really see their muscles flex and balls swing around>Carpentry is relatively feminine in the countryside, where farmers with 15 daughters and 2 sons are the norm and there's shit to do every day or we don't have food this winter. It's more masculine in big cities like Canterlot, since the stallion is the one who looks after the household and families tend to be smaller and more manageable.>Different tribes have different thresholds of touchy-feely before it starts being gay; unicorns are the most cold and aloof mostly because they'll poke each other with their horns. Pegasi are the most cuddly, not because muh greek homos but because it's easier to conserve warm by sleeping in a pile on a smaller cloud.
>>41112606>>41112589Meanwhile in reality
>>41112606But Ember is a good girl, this is out of character.
>>41112690>where farmers with 15 daughters and 2 sons are the norm and there's shit to do every day or we don't have food this winter.While I was helping out at my grandpa's farm, by far the most annoying task was chopping wood. Not because it was hard, it really wasn't, but because I absolutely fucking hate bugs. You ever had three spiders and a centipede book it up your arm and inside your shirt after picking up a section of log?
>>41112426>haberverse>canon
>>41112702>>41112778It would be a bit embarrassing for Anon if it turned out she had no hand in it and her guards acted independently without her. He just choked out an innocent lady.
>>41112785I thought you were going to say mosquitoes. Those little cunts are the only thing that take all of the joy out of being in or around the woods.
>>41112799I live in an area that's extremely humid half the year. I barely even notice the mosquitos anymore. Granted, the county finally started spraying for them, so that's nice. Had a little orb weaver spin up a web in my front door to catch a bunch of the fuckers too.
>>41112827Do ponies care about mosquitos? How would they react to anon getting bit so often?
>>41112790Newest of fags here, what is the haberverse?I thought you were refering to the plant Discord lol-oopsed into being just before Twilight ascended.
>>41112883haber is the guy who did later seasonslot of anons hate later seasonshaberverse = lore from the later seasons
>>41112876They're probably more concerned with horseflies. In fact, I'm more concerned with horseflies. Their bites HURT. Mosquito bites just itch for a few days. There could be more concern for insect-borne diseases, but I don't know enough about that to get into it. All I know is that some mosquitos can give you malaria and ticks can give you a disease that makes eating red meat kill you.
>>41112943I always had fun catching horseflies and deerflies in a net in the summer and feeding them to all the house spiders.
>>41112943>horseflies>mfw
>>41112943>>41112993>>41113163>Ponies think you're being hysterical when you talk about needing clothes>"Celestia is a responsible mare, Anon, she'd never make it too cold outside of winter!">They change their tune when you end up with more bugbites than intact skin after one day of doing colt shit in the garden
>>41112141Mares still wear frilly dresses, skirts and stallions wear manly outfits, work shirts, and really nice looking suits.A mare with a frilly goth loli dress is the RGRE equivalent of a dude with a really nice suit.A stallion with a really nice suit is the RGRE equivalent of a girl wearing a really cute outfit.Mares go "damn cunt, nice dress" cause wearing dresses is marely as shit.It also has the nice RGRE benefit of the whole piss mechanics being easier for mares (just lift the dress) and harder for stallions (gotta do a whole fucking thing with the pants to whip the penis out and take a piss).
>>41113213i don't even want to think of what unholy bloodsuckers live in the everfree forest
>>41112943Katydids are another bad one. They won't go out of their way to land on you, but if they do and they get agitated in any way they'll bite you and lop a chunk of meat off when they do it.
>>41112792>Celestia and Luna have egg on their face because their guest choked out a foreign dignitary>The guards have egg on their face because their actions directly put Ember into harm's way>Anon has egg on his face because he jumped the gun and took out his anger on the wrong person>Ember has egg on her face because she has now discovered she has a distinctly un-dragonly kink for getting choked out and doesn't know what to do about it
>>41113336>>Ember has egg on her face because she has now discovered she has a distinctly un-dragonly kink for getting choked out and doesn't know what to do about itOh no!?
>>41113213>Twilight points out how you'll sweat to death if you wear full coverage in this heat>Promises to come back tomorrow with a solution>Maybe you're alright, Twig>1daylater.waxcylinder>Twilight brought a jar of something vaguely resembling vaseline but it's the color of squash>"It's my patent-pending Bug-Away Yellow Jelly!">crickets.wav>"Okay so Pinkie Pie hasn't gotten back to me with a name yet! Just take off that cloth oven and prepare to get jellied!">You begrudgingly comply, stripping down to your [underwear preference here] and getting utterly slathered in...>oh goddammit>You look like she squash souped your entire body>You can't go out like this! Even you have standards!>"Take off that ball bra! We need to protect your massive penile blood supply!">Why the fuck did you tell her about how human dicks work?
>>41113488Reminds me of the scientists in Xenonauts creating super-efficient cleaning goo and trying to replace all the showers with it, and the soldiers nearly coming to blows with them over it.
>last post nearly 12 hours ag>page 10You don't deserve this bump, RGRE. Heal thyself, physician.
>>41113488Anon should tell Twilight about bug spray.
>>41112081>Everyone thinks Equestria has inverted gender roles because of skewed sex ratios or whatever.>Actually it’s because of Equestria’s unique justice system.>The pony that is the most awesome as determined by a jury of their peers automatically wins the case.>Stallions never win cases as they are the childrearing sex and are viewed as more homely and thus naturally lame.>That is until Anon does a kickflip inside the courtroom.>Wins a landmark legal case that allows stallions to own property.
>>41114121That's borderline Kinderquestria and I love it.>Knights of old trained with the skateboard and bicycle>Scootaloo actually lives on her own because her scooter tricks won her emancipation trial>Anon starts suing all the mares who treated him like a sex objectand didn't cuddle afterwards so he can take their shit with his cool tech deck flips, doesn't even need the real skateboard anymore
>>41114644>"Your honor I object! My client's backflip was much cooler then the defense's scooter trick!"
>>41114644>anon steals from the royal coffers to finance a specialized balloon ride to the edge of space>pulls a felix baumgartner and does the longest freefall, the highest fall ever recorded and the only being to breach lightspeed unaided by magic (flying counts as magic, since magic sapped pegasi can't fly or if they can, just barely so) or technology>act is so awesome that the Royal Equish Academy officially redefines awesome to include an artist rendition of his logic defying feat>Anon de-facto wins any legal trial by pulling the "I moved faster than anything ever, without magic, how awesome is that? Check the video!" card, including his trial for heisting the royal coffersLiterally the embodiment of awesome now, much to RD's disappointment for having her title as embodiment of awesome stolen from her, and by a stallion no less.
>>41114939*to breach the sound barrierThough I guess given the sonic rainboom actually making light appear (like a luminic boom), such a feat as breaching lightspeed could very well be possible in equestria.
>>41114939>and the only being to breach lightspeed unaided by magic>lightspeed
God what a boring day for the thread. You guys continue to disappoint.
>>41115078Go aheadDo better
>>41114949Maybe the speed of light is a lot slower in Equestria. Or Anon is just THAT fat.
>>41115164>Anon's impact registers on the richter scale.>In response Celestia together a consortium of Equestria's finest minds.>Their goal is to try to get Anon to lay off the junkfood without offending his coltish sensibilities.
>>41115078If you want shit to happen, write a prompt, make a joke, post an image. If it's even remotely amusing, someone will take it and run with it.
Here’s some RGRE head canon stuff I’ve been brewing:>Every tribe has their own way of courting stallions.>Earth ponies dig holes to show off their virality and work ethic.>Pegasi swoop up their mates and bring them back to their nests.>And unicorns…. joust.>Similar to deer or moose unicorns will charge at each other head on.>The reasons are varied, but the obvious is as a dominance display.>Unicorns will ram into each other over and over again, knocking their opponents over until one side is too exhausted to continue or retreats.>Pre-Unification this was the main way the alpha mare of the herd was established.>Unicorns have evolved to have extra thick cushioned skulls to avoid brain injury because of this.>It’s not uncommon for unicorns to end up impaled on each other’s horns. This isn’t fatal thanks to the dense skull plating, but it is painful.>And embarrassing. Also requires a trip to the horsepital. Mares that get stuck usually end up becoming friends afterwards.>Scholars have proposed that the higher-than-average rates of mental illness in unicorns, such as megalomania, are a result of repeated head trauma from said jousting.>As expected longer horns are ideal for jousting and are seen as attractive.>Mares like Fleur De Lis aren’t just considered gigastacey’s because of their supermodel tier good looks but because they can effortlessly BTFO beta mare hornlets.>Another reason for jousting is honor duels. Did somepony accuse your stallion of uncouth behavior? Joust that mare!>In the Crystal Empire jousting became popular, albeit with metal lances. This is seen as a safer alternative with the added benefit of allowing non-unicorns the ability to participate.>This variation never caught on in Canterlot as the aristocracy considers it to be a lesser form of the sport for cowards.>Celestia naturally is the symbol of peak mareliness by the standards of all three tribes, her enormous horn causing feelings of inadequacy in all unicorn mares who bear witness to it.
>>41115473Unicorn jousting sounds dumb as does earth ponies digging holes. Unicorns attract mates with sparkles, fireworks, and other eye catching displays of magic. If you want to incorporate your dueling idea, make it more like fencing to win the hand, or rather hoof of their stallion. They would try to draw 1st blood if another unicorn starts shooting fireworks at the same stallion that they are after. That way hornletts are still BTFO, but it isnt as retarded.As far as the other tribes go, Earth ponies just flat out fight each other and Pegasi Puff up and Strut like birds, but rarely actually fight one another, at least over mates. Pegasi will fight in an attempt to look good, but aren't really trying to FIGHT fight. Unlike earth ponies that are trying to break their competition. After all, if you can't stand, you can't be mounted. . .Each tribe keeps their stallion in line in different ways too. Earth Pony mares tend to wear the pants in their relationships and dominate their stallions, Pegasi tend to be cuddlebugs and keep their stallion from wandering by just being really pleasant, and unicorns tend to be more chivalrous and romantic.
>>41115473Swooping and courtship holes are sacred RGRE tradition as far as I know, but do go on about jousting.In the meantime, have my own retarded addenda:>Earth ponies find out about human cavalry>They think these were gigantic marriage festivals>Anon informs them these were warriors riding nonsapient animals into battle, not a bunch of villagers doing a mating dance>These were beasts of burden the knights spent their entire lives working with>And spent their entire lives learning how to lead and care for>And kept small herds of multiple types of horse and spares of each>"Sounds pretty hot to me, candycock. Whaddaya say you, me, and this big stick I found go stir up some trouble?">Hot aliens will marry you if you do this dumbass war dance?>Cue mares conscripting any bipedal critter they can find>Every mare is trying to get Anon to ride her (not that way) in the hopes that later he'll ride her (yes that way)>Many times would Anon be chased into an alleyway by Rarity and Spike, only to find the Cutie Mark Crusaders waiting in (not-so) surprisingly accurate tack>CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS COUNTER-OFFENSIVE DATE! YAY!>Applejack tries using a cavalry charge to buck her trees>It actually works, and Sweet Apple Acres has another venerated 'holiday family fun event' that's actually 'hey assholes do our chores for a day'>Celestia has a near PTSD attack because she saw (insert least favorite habershit race here) riding slave ponies into battle>Like full-on Vietnam vet 'the plains are speaking Tirakkian' panic attacks>Luna is amused
>>411007872/3rds of women are overweight or obese, compared to about half of men. You can do the math.
>>41115638Desperation and overexposure?
>>41115638Just because something is common doesn't mean it's automatically attractive. There's a reason fat women want fit guys and fat guys want skinny women. Fat is ugly.
>>41115647At this point, definitely desperation for most men. Thankfully it's finally beginning to give way to apathy.
>>41115582mares in tack...
>>41115652I'm saying it's a coping method.>>41115647
>>41115473>>41115559Unicorn horns seem more suited for wresting or stabbing/fencing than ramming
>>41115738Beautifully embroidered heraldry, anyway god I want to fuck that mare
>>41115638Where did you get those numbers from? From the data I could find:https://www.niddk.nih.gov/health-information/health-statistics/overweight-obesityoverweight + obese (2018)men: 34.1 + 43 = 77.1%women: 27.5 + 41.9 = 69.4%https://www.statista.com/statistics/237133/us-obesity-by-gender/obese (2022)men: 32.6%women: 34.1%https://www.kff.org/other/state-indicator/adult-obesity-bysex/?currentTimeframe=0&sortModel=%7B%22colId%22:%22Location%22,%22sort%22:%22asc%22%7Dobese (2022)men: 32.0%women: 33.6%
>>41114121>Anon challenges Rainbow to steal the basketball from him>She's smug that her innate agility will win>Gets baited by a simple dribbling technique falls face first on the floor>Anon dunks the ball in front of the courthouse hoop>Wins the case
>>41115738Do young ponies make fun of medieval faires as being bondage festivals?
>>41115186But anon. The speed of something falling is independent of its mass. Sunbutt's 200 kilotons of ass will fall atthe same rate as rainbow dash's petite and athletic body, same with anon.
>>41116403>speed of something falling is independent of its massDo not believe his lies!Larger masses pull with more force. When the masses are small, the difference is negligible, but more massive objects are pulling the planet a little more strongly than smaller ones. When they hit, the planet will be moving toward them slightly faster.It's like that time when your mom fell off that cliff and it threw off the orbit of the earth.
>>41116226>Equestrian courts are identical to basketball courts.>This is by design.
>>41116438Does equestria have flat earthers too?
>>41116229>Anon is one of those theatre kid types>Loves the renaissance faire so much he calls it the ren fair to save time>Hears ponies have something similar>Shows up with Rarity (she agreed to make his costume for free if he took her)>He finally understands why, when he sees how many stallions brought riding crops>Picrel: you just want to talk in shakespeare and eat big meat but it's actually a BDSM meetup
>>41115559>as does earth ponies digging holesSays the man that is about to get knocked off his feet with the awesome sand castle a local ponika built for him to showcase both her skills and aesthetic taste.Says the man that is about to be serenaded to bits by a local ponika that's just dug her Ultra Super Sonic Amplifier for maximum serenading potency.Says the man that is flat out wrong.
>>41117351What would a mare's serenade sound like?
>>41114939>Anon's raditide becomes well-known.>Ponies begin to wonder: if a human stallion is this awesome, what are their mares like?>One day, a woman arrives in Equestria.>She has rainbow-colored hair.>Sweet Celestia, a human Rainbow Dash.>Ponies collectively shit themselves over what unbelievable feats of awesomeness to expect from her.>Until they all learn that This Is What A Feminist Looks Like.>She constantly goes on and on about "intersectionality this" amd "problematic that.">Ponies are absolutely fucking disgusted.>Scientists define her as the first ever case of an entity with negative awesomeness.>She ends up getting arrested for sucking all of the awesomeness out of any room she inhabits.
>>41117386>Get arrested for being lame.>They do what you do to lame equines.
>>41117407Headpats?
>>41117410Uh. Yeah. Let's go with that.Corrective headpats.
>>41116474>every time court begins this starts playinghttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJ6CcEOmlYU
>>41117365https://youtu.be/qx8hrhBZJ98?si=hDvpglRZb9uHeqFZ
>>41117598>Ywn have a marw try to woo you with her throat singing skills.Why are we here? Just to suffer?
>>41117598https://youtube.com/shorts/3AE_N_Q_uAo?si=gQok-MqUCjT4R-rh
>>41117504>”Yall ready for this?” >Anon tries to take a half-court shot.>Rainbow Dash blocks it midair.>Nopony said she couldn’t use her wings.>“Oh shit they were ready for that!”>Anon loses the supreme court trial.>This is how stallions lost the right to vote.
>>41117351>singing positionkek
>>41116775Equestria very well could be flat. Imagine scientist Anon desperately trying to prove Equestria is round to a group of condescending science mares that write it off as stallion whimsy.
>>41116775Flat earth? Amateur.Flat Sun Theory.
>>41118420Imagine rambling about flat sun theory to Celestia who's unsure if you're insulting her or flirting.
>>41117464>Prison mare drops the soap in the shower.>She's an earthy pony so she has to lower her head to pick the bar up with her mouth.>This leaves her vulnerable to headpats.
>>41110980Shall we gather for whiskey and cigars tonight?
>>41099497What a generic op pic, couldn't you have picked something more eye catching?
>>41118477Like what?
>>41113331Most of those are carnivores with a few being omnivoresOne of the few that has a decent chance against a mantis
>>41118452>"And sunset is when she turns the sun, so we see it edge-on.">A mare nods, "That makes sense.">Another mare shakes her head, "No it doesn't! It doesn't make sense at all! Your highness, make him stop!">Celestia simply giggles.
>Get seduced and bedded in a single night by [Insert Mare]>To be fair, you were very desperate>But she doesn't actually love or like you at all, and just used you as an 'exotic conquest' to brag about>Applejack finds out>Since you have no female relatives innaquestria, she takes it upon herself to buck the horseapples out of that mare
>>41118518Based Applejack. Out of the bunch she would absolutely be the most protective of stallions.
>>41118511Yes, Celestia would definitely enjoy this kind of trolling.
>Celestia had a emotionally exhausting day>It might have been several hundred years since the first Summer Sun Celebration>But the pain it brought her was just as sharp as it was back then>Ponies didn't believe she could cry, could grieve>She was the very image of a strong mare, and even as distraught as she was ponies only saw what they expected to see>A stoic ruler unbothered by regret or self-loathing >But when you saw the bags under her eyes and the barely held back tears you had asked what you could do>Hold her and be near was her response>So you did, for hours>Your knees hurt>Your left leg had fallen asleep>And your back was starting to remind you you weren't twenty anymore>But the warmth of the hoof in your hands, the endless depth of her eyes>The desperate need to be touched by another living being in a time of grieving...>You could endure much worse for her>So you sat, saying nothing with words but holding a conversation all the same>And for the first time in centuries she didn't suffer alone
>>41103132>Only an aerodynamic wife will do. Shiny NEEDS a mare who will support his Wife Throwing ambitions>Plus changelings can turn into ANY wife they want, even copyrighted ones, so your brother can have allllll the superheroine fantasies he wants
>>41105787>Most ponies are like wow that’s neat hey do you also make food.>ywn use arcane blood magic to make your mare a sandwichit hurts
>>41106406>>41106663
>>41108559>10 years later, she's an established attorney and Anon works for her as her secretary>Rainbow Dash introduces "no pants fridays" in the law office>All according to keikaku
>>41118856>Anon comes in wearing a kilt>Exasperated blue horse slams her head into her desk
>>41118755>Ywn be celestia's personal emotional support human>she made up the job on the spot so she could hire you right then and there>it starts somewhat formal, she just invites you to her chambers every evening to drink tea and rant about her day. It usually ends with you rubbing her shoulders and giving her hugs when needed>after a while your meetings become more casual, you start brushing her mane for her and she teaches you how to groom wings>one evening it got so late that she decided you should stay, you ended up as the big spoon, much to her enjoyment>after that evening you would usually cuddle with celestia infront of the fireplace, your original job turning into something more personal and intimate>you effectively start dating without really realizing it. It was only after cadance came for a visit and asked when the wedding was that you two started to think more about what exactly your relationship is>something something luna is proud her sister managed to catch herself an exotic colt, twilight is impressed by the long game celestia played in wooing anon (she didn't plan any of it), and celestia herself is giddy with excitement over the idea of having someone who actually loves her for being her>something something a dozen foals
>>41118965The great part about Celly is you don't have to rush in order to get the dozen foals out. Luna's an adult. She can run the kingdom herself for a day or two every other week. Go partying. Visit the amusement park. Hop around all the small towns to find out which one has the best hole in the wall horse barbecue restaurant.
>>41118965Did you know that there is such a thing as an emotional support goat for horses? If you have a bunch of horses, keeping a goat with them will keep them all calmer (and it's cheaper and healthier than horse antidepressants, but tell that to the niggers that insist on using antidepressants).The horses kinda just nuzzle the goat, sniff it and generally treat it like an emotionally vulnerable person would treat a support dog.Several animal combos like that exist, like cats/dogs with humans, chicken with sheep (the sheep kinds just go "oh it's just that little fella going bawk, nothing to worry about here"), monkeys with humans (they look at us like we're weak and delicate and must be treated with care, which, to be fair, compared to them, we are. Have you seen the muscle definition on a monkey? People train years to get that while a monkey is just vibing snd gets like that naturally), or even dolphins with humans (they find us ultrasexy and want to mate with humans, there are several reports of attempted rape from a dolphin to s human). It is thus not only possible, but likely that there is such a combo exists in equestria, as it is noted that human presence also calms down horses.I'd like that as a green, honestly. Anon finds out his presence can manifest some long buried calmness response (something something Megan from the earlier pony shows so ponies learned to be calmer near humans, but modern humans are not seen in equestria anymore not for millenia anyway) and sets up a therapist office with literally zero beforehand studies. He'd almost get shut down by the establishment for running such a business without the proper education, only for the auditorial mare to return with a weight off her shoulders, decades-long emotional burden finally lifted.
Pegasi oil wrestling>Very marely, seen as the epitome of mareliness in old Pegasus Society >The goal is to pin your opponent's wings to their back and prevent them from flapping out of your grip>It's a surprisingly mobile form of wrestling, thus needing plenty of space>Males are prevented from joining, obviously>Anon doesn't mind this>He and most of the other stallions are just here to watch oiled up mares grind on eachother for a couple hoursBehold, poorly thought out autism to bump the thread
>>41106724Starship Troopers, even better if it triggers changeling PTSD
>>41118873She can still blow wind up his hilt to catch a peek of the goods. I'd call that a win.
>>41106724The entire skibidi toilet series
>>41119700All the knives would conceal the goods
>>41119921We're trying to mess with them, not reduce them to gibbering mental illness
>>41120143Equestria isn't ready for gen alpha anon.
>TFW you were going to die hanggliding into a bear for a stunt pony cutie mark but your sister drags you fishing
>>41120508I bet Pegasi make some bitchin shrimp gumbo.
>>41120508Applebloom should be grateful, her sister is teaching her valuable marely life lessons. Now catch the damn fish.
>>41116069It's what you get when you combine those numbers, this graph, and this study>https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-018-29362-1because BMI is way too lenient on skinnyfats. 3% of men are in the "healthy" BMI category with unhealthy bodyfat percentages (25% or higher for men), 12% of men are in the "overweight" BMI category, but with healthy fat profiles. 14% of women are in the healthy BMI category, but are overweight by bodyfat (30% bodyfat for women), and 3% of women are in the overweight BMI category with healthy levels of bodyfat.
>>41120889
>>41120889>TFW no skinny fat marefriend to tease about her weight.
Here's a question for you guys, how would you deal with infighting amongst your herd?
>>41120973sit down and talk it out like adults
>>41120973Tell them they can sleep on the couch until they hatefuck for my arousal
>>41106724Probably Pitch Black
>>41120983How long do you think they'll last before giving in?
>>41120889>>41120892My understanding is that the graph demonstrates how closely BMI correlates to FMI and PBF, I don't know how you can derive the overall prevalence of obesity from that, neither did the paper take steps to apply RFM (the new estimator from the study) to report overall obesity rates in the studied population.Furthermore, since the original discussion pertains to visible obesity, which is what actually influences beauty standards, including 'skinny fat' individuals seems irrelevant. The focus should be on observable obesity, not hidden health issues that don't affect outward appearance. To that end, BMI is more suited for the purpose.
>>411210043
>>41120973Ok guess cadence is not eating pizza this month.
>>41120973Depends on what exactly is going on. It could range from having a serious talk, to marriage counseling, to kicking a problem mare out of the herd entirely.Silly, inconsequential, appul and bluefast tier arguments that get forgotten after a half a day or a maresculinity contest aren't much to worry about. Ones that result in one or more being genuinely hurt by the argument, or a couple mares who've soured their personal relationship so badly they instantly raise tension when they step into the same room is something that needs to be worked out. Treating your herdsister as a punching bag, figurative or literal, is a much more serious issue.
>>41120973I won't have to deal with this issue, because polygamy is a sin
>>41110030edgy it may be, but also fair, I like this Anon, he's cool
>>41117386>Anon sues her for retroactively making the human race less awesome>Goes to court>He does a sick grind on the judge's stand>Woman gets sentenced to petrification>Law passes that makes humans wearing hair dye a criminal offense>Just another day in the life of Anonymous, Awesome at Law
>>41119507>Starship Troopers>during the next Changeling invasion, Chrysalis' evil monologue gets interrupted by a mare yelling "COME ON YOU MARES, YOU WANNA LIVE FOREVER!?"
>>41120113something something joke about going back to the kitchen and making her a sandwich
>>41121381>guards, especially the pegasi, love the whole militarist bend>what mare doesn't love guns and explosions, aka really big fireworks?>but the "service guarantees citizenship" motto confuses the guardsmares a bit>shouldn't everypony born on Equestrian soil be a citizen?>Anon explains it as voting rights and some other politics business>wait, does it mean that all those nobles and nitpicky bean counters would need to have served in the guard to screw with their budget?>it does>Anon nearly has a riot on his hands, made of semi-drunk mares in violent agreement with such profound wisdomDOYOURPART
>>41120162It'll have to be, all the 30+ Millenials and late 20's Zoomers are right at The Wall™ and mares aren't interested in hagmaxxing or whatever their equivalent is.
Here's a secret, colts. Mares? They like a little something to grab. Bit of muscle, bit of chub? A stick ain't keeping them warm at night. Lift heavy things, have more pie.
>>41121811>lift heavy>eat big>still 167cmWe are all God's children and he left us in a hot car with no a/c.
>>41121827There's a mare for you, somewhere. Maybe she can carry you around in a little basket.
>>41121605Funnily enough that's how it used to be. Knighthood and above was predicated on you managing the defense of your lands and being available to smash heads if the King needed levies.
>>41121811scooby pls go
>>41122573>Scooby-Doo is in the threadLike, zoinks.
>>41122573>>41122595THE LIFTERSCOOBY IS A LIFTER NOT SCOOBY DOO FUCK
>>41121863
>>41121863No, mares still want tall guys. 6'5" is the new cutoff.
>>41122738Minotaur propaganda. You're not fooling anyone Iron Will.
>>41121811>have more pieKeep at it Soarin and you'll eat yourself out of the Wonderbolts.Now go work off that stuffed crust. Make that latex suit squeak!
>>41122595fucking newfagslurk moar
>>41122663>>41122795>Like, zoinks Scoob! These mares keep telling me to make a sandwich- but whenever I make one I eat it on the way to her!
>>41122751I hope he gets an eating disorder
>>41115186Gonna be honest, I'm just picturing Weird Al from that one music video he did.
>>41115473>>And unicorns…. joust.That's gay, Anon.
>>41116226>Balanced top the tallest peak of Mount Canter, teetering and anchored by ropes, is a most sacred court>Court-monks spend their day waxing the wooden floorboards, all while quietly intoning the official recognized rules and regulations of Equestrian basketball>They've been using the same basketballs since time immemorial, and it is said that each one was kissed personally by the creator-alicorn Faust herself>You stand before Rainbow Dash, each of you wearing your NBA best>You're going to do it just like Space Jam>The good one, with Michael Jordan
>>41117351>picNah, mang, that's changelings. They're relentless. You'll just go outside your house one morning and see a big fat bug butt sticking out of a hole in the ground, wings chattering up a storm.
>>41118459Man, all I want is for Anon to make prison-buddies with a few mares because he gave them head pats and played with their ears when they were trying to take a shower.
>>41118518>Cousin Aloe takes Anon's V-card>Doesn't ask his array of fully-erect hoof-spiders in holy horsetromony>Gets a visit from Applejack and their extended apple-flavored cousins>oh fuck oh shit one of them has a crossbow
>>41123177i remember that prompt. i liked hick background spa twins
>>41118873>"Oops, I flapped my wings and made your kilt fly up again, sorry. Oh, oops, I flapped my wings..."
>>41120973Silly answer, host a 90's style WWE competition. Real answer, sit down and talk it out.
>>41121811>have more pie.Nice try, Pinkie. I BET you want me to eat more 'pie'.
>>41123174Give the kinderquestria/anon in pone prison a check, then.
>>41123183>ywn marry a high-class mare from Baltimare>Enjoys discussing philosophy, has one or two degrees, and other stereotypical high-class shit>I don't fucking know, alright?>Her job is either intellectual, or she works in a bank directly with clients>Probably likes unreasonably expensive coffee, or pretends to like scotch whiskey when drinking it around other ponies>Wedding day approaches>Her side of the attendees is jam-packed with her extended family>And 80% of them are redneck as can be>Turns out her mother was an Apple, and she had mostly lost her country bumpkin accent due to having lived in a big city for so long
>>41099497>be me>Local dragon, Dj, Royal advisor, Dragon AND changeling ambassador, Hero of the crystal empire, and a damng good cooking and cleaning machine.>literally have a whole country of mares simp for me, altough with the exception of crystal ponies little to no females regardless of not for their infatuation with me or lack there of rarely act out on it. >yet here i am decades later and still ghosted by rarity."Buck!...I don't get it tough!, why did she never look at me!, like actually look at me?!>i wonder to myself crying , after rejecting one of the female gryphon interns for the royal guards that apparently was a friend of gallus, wich is why she was recomended and one wich hurt my already bruised heart and ego a little while ago>why am i thinking of rarity right now you wonder?, well, i was as honest and nice as i could to this gal that i BARELY knew mind you and yet the moment i said no she goes all like:>Her:"what?, why not?, i mean you are single.... *gasp* no way!, are you still hung on the element of generosity?!""uhh... i-" i looked like a deer in headlighs i bet.>Ahh!, of course i should fucking have guessed it. One of, if not THE best bachelor of equestria is still obsessed over his UNREQUITED love/crush of literal years!, buck my luck!"Hey!, what-">"Just give her up!, no offense really but she will NEVER see you that way!, its clear to anyone but you!""...." i was hurt and speechless.>"..." the girl after callming down with a series of breaths gasped in realization of her quite undeserving outburst. >"oh.. oh my wings... i-im so s-sorry i-" she started blabbering"Get out of my office, please">"No, please i-""GET. THE. BUCK. OUT!" i roared, as i watched the silver feathered gryphon girl enclose on herself and with a hanging head slowly walked out.>So here i am thinking on what she said. Altough her outburst was rude as buck and uncalled for in my opinion. It makes that frustration and anguish i try to supress, to surface"Why has she never see in my what i see in her?" . I whisper as a tear touches the wooden desk and im looking at the dark night and starlit sky as the moon shine goes through my window.>I noticed however that a small shower of meteorites is going on "Woah" i whisper"Heh, isnt it common to make wishes in situations like this?" i wonder to myself"Oh, whatever. Lets see... I Wish, to be loved more i guess?, or perhaps be in place that i feel more loved?... i dont know... hmm..." as i keep divagating i look through my office and look at a letter that ember left via magic breath in my desk some while ago in wich she mocks the fact i am quote too girly" as in " i would be the perfect house husband" or something."pfft. What a joke, you have a guy be good with house stuff and suddenly you imply the roles being reversed." i snicker in thought.>Not a second later an epiphany gets to my head"Re...versed roles?" i looked back at the meteor shower in deep thought."i Wish..."
>>41123377"I Wish...that i was in a world with reverse gender roles. I mean, if "me being to girly" is the problem, surely that is the fix!." I exclaim in jest as crickets start to sound."...Ok, fine!, just rarity!. I want to see if that would change anything..." in a low whisper to myself i confess "I just want to know what she REALLY thinks of me and why has she never looked in my direction...".>as the jest wish was made, while i wander in my head i notice as my head is looking down in thought that a bigger and bigger shadow is looming under me, wich means something bigger and bigger is comming from above.>looking up in surprise i notice a shining small meteorite gleaming in... magic... falling towards me?!"WHAT THE BUC-" But before i can even end my sentence a magic explosiong goes off and everything goes black for a moment.>When i wake up some moments later, clearly horrified i noticed that i am sitting on my desk!?"what is going on?!" i scream, as 2 royal guards enter my premises as to search for any trouble regarding my safety i assume."SIR, ARE YOU OK?!" they both scream. One of them being the Gryphon girl from earlier. Her name name being Silver moon, the other being gallus himself."I-i guess?!. I mean a metorite just-!""meteorite?" They interrupted me while they turned their heads in confusion, as i stand there in abject shock from what had happened and how apparently everything was fine?!, gallus observed me sitting on the desk and a small trail of saliva coming from my mouth, making a random deduction."AH!, you had a nightmare sleeping on your desk!. Fiuu, i had worried for a second there!". he said, something apparently calming Silver too.With a sigh she simply stated with a relaxed tone "ahh... Males and their gimmicks" while giving me a look like a smiling dad woulg give to his foal trying to get the cookie jar.Then silence filled the room. I was still flabberghasted and they were relaxing, i tried to recompose myself to try and find answers later. This 2 clearly thought i had a nightmare, but BUCK OFF that was real as FUCK!."So.. anyway. How come you came here so fast?, i clearly remember that last time i saw you gallus was more than 2 hours ago and you were patrolling Twilights quarters and YOU Silver, i clearly told you i didnt want to talk with you for a while" i tried my best to order things out.Gallus made a face of shock at my statement, and then gave a grim look with a clear accusatory tone as he looked to silver >"Silver...did you..."there was a pause as his eye turned into a contained" Harrased him?">"No!, no i didnt!" she used her whole body to deny the claim, altough in a sense she did harassme... its not exactly true and Gallus was not being specific on the type of harrassment>"Ahem" Gallus let it die for now. "Anyway,Sir WE were close bybecause..." he sighed "Ms Belle has come to talk to you... AGAIN" he clearly was annoyed.To say i was confused and shocked was an understatement.
>>41123288>>41123174Specifically you might wanna check the ponepaste tag. There hasn't been much PonePrison in the last few threads.
>>41123290>Marry fancy, high-earning mare who can buy me cowboy hats and probably hire a maid>Also get to go to Applejack's reunions and drink Apple Party LikkerWhat's the catch?
>>41123551All your kids will have a baltimare accent.
>>41124022>>41123551They'll pronounce it "clam chow-duh".
>>41123551>Likkerit's 'liquor', anon
>>41124056Likker? I hardly know her!
>>41124035"I'd give that stallion a taste of my clam chow-duh if yanno whaddya mean." - some drunk mare at the bar.
>>41124022Acceptable>>41124035Dear god, no>>41124056>He hasn't watched Squidbillies
>>41124363>SquidbilliesWasn't that just the "I came up with South Park 8 years too late" show?
What is the teenage mare's version of "the sock"?
>>41124630Suspiciously shiny corn on the cob?
>>41124630A supply of cucumbers. Particularly gross mares will eat the cucumber after using it.
>>41124363
>>41124744>Paranoid teen mares who need to "get rid of the evidence" since they can't just put the cucumber back in the fridge once they're done
>>41124630a 4 poster bed with noticeably more polish/less finish on one post.
>>41124380No that show was a satire of to the systemic poverty of white appalacian people, particularly on how hypocritical their views are. Think The Boondocks, but for crackers.
>>41125122You make a good point.
>>41124746I like that show, hate the new-ish voice, only unknown hinson will ever be Early.https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4rCYeB6pnoQ&pp=ygUidW5rbm93biBoaW5zb24gc2F2ZSBtZSBmcm9tIG15c2VsZg%3D%3D
>Be Celestia>It had been a few months since Luna's return>It had been a difficult, but still a delightful time for you>Your sister was, slowly but surely, getting used to life a thousand years later, while Equestria was slowly getting used to her>Recently, she had gotten herself a friend >A stallion friend to be more specific>Just like her, he was a being that was... out of sorts in Equestria, and they had bonded>This was wonderful news>Stallions had always been leery of your sister, and having one of the gentler sex being there for emotional support would only be good>That is, if this particular stallion wasn't so...>Odd>"PRAYTELL, WHAT IS THIS, SER ANONYMOUS?">"TIS THE THUMB OF SAINT CUFORTSOME, MY LADY. IT WAS GIVEN TO ME BY THE BISHOP OF NORTHFORD. THE MAN IS A HARLOT AND A MEAN BASTARD, BUT HE IS A TRUE SHEPERD OF THE FAITH!">"WHAT IS ITS PURPOSE, SER?">"IT PROTECTS MINE SOUL FROM THE MACHINATIONS OF THE DESTROYER, MY LADY. MAY CHRIST CURSE HIS BLASTED BEING.">"A CHARM THEN?">"YES! THOUGH HOLY, AND NOT HEATHEN!">The two of them were seated at a dinging table>They had wooden cups--from where they had gotten them you had no idea--and you could smell mead in them from here>Anonymous STILL refused to wear the nice suit that you had gotten made for him>He was in a suit of armor, wielding a sword that the guards had taken off him ten times and each time he retrieved >Your sister was leaned close toward him, engrossed with his every word>They were both loud>So loud>You don't believe that Anon, or SER ANON as he insisted, had ever spoken at a reasonable volume>This suited Luna just fine, as she loved to use the Canterlot Royal Voice>The staff looked positively terrified>You honestly couldn't blame them>"MY LADY, FORGIVE THIS OLD KNIGHT, BUT I BEG THEE A BOON.">"NAME IS SER KNIGHT," you sister boomed. "TO SEE IF WE SHALL GRANT IT.">"I BEG THAT WE RETURN TO THE RESIDENTS OF THE SERF DONUT JOE FOR MORE OF HIS VIDDLES.">" FOR THE DOUGHS OF NUTS?">"YES MY LADY!">Luna beamed>"WE SHALL HARKEN TO HIS PLACE THIS VERY NIGHT BEFORE MINE COURT! THOU SHALL FINE A HOME UPON MINE BACK FOR A STROLL! IS SUCH A THING AGREEABLE?">Anon bowed his head, slamming a fist to his chest>"IT WOULD BY MINE HONOR, MY LADY. THERE IS NO FINE STEED IN THIS LAND BY MY RECKONING!" >Luna looked away, a blush coming to her face>"T-THOU ALSO...">It was hard not to facehoof
Every Equestrian male should have a Kirin herdwife for self-defense.
>>41125508>Luna X CrusaderYou're doing God's work, Anon.
>>41125508Cool but I’m confused with the end, what’s the cliffhanger?
>>41125659I think Luna's getting flustered by a compliment. Like, what the fuck would you do if some girl shouted you're the hottest guy in town and she's gonna ride you?
>>41125508>>"T-THOU ALSO...">Luna using ye olde "y-you too"
>>41125508I love this
>I just KNOW Caramel had something to do with this>Him and his 'cultural appreciation.'
>>41126127This is just his way of getting back at apple horse for cracking a dirty joke about him always forgetting the seeds during winter wrap up.
>>41125508I wanna ride a sexist mare into battle.
>>41126127>Be Texanon.>It's been about five minutes since you wound up on a farm run by a bunch of strange looking tiny horses, and you can't say you like it.>There's so much that needs to be done, but the moment you go to grab some tools the one in a hat says 'work like that ain't fer you.'>So you dunked her in a water barrel.>The old one said something about 'stallions scorn', whatever that meant.>You had a roof to fix.>So you did. >Fixed the roof, and reshingled it in an afternoon.>Some posts on the fence-line around the livestock needed replacing, so you might as well do that too.>Before you could uproot one though, the orange one was back.>Tried messing with what you were doing.>So you buried her up to her neck in a hole.>The girl said she had work to do, but she could have fooled you with how she had been following you around all day.>You fixed the fence, and left her the shovel.>She seemed to like to work her mouth, so it could surely work a shovel.>It was getting dark, so there was little to be done now. >You'd need to be up bright and early if you wanted to fix that squeaky barn door.>You sleep in the barn.>Be Applejack.>That dag'gum stallion stuck you in a hole!>You know that granny would tan your hide if she caught you swearin', but when you get outta here. . . Oh, that big galoot was gonna get it!>At least the fence is fixed now.>-and all those weak, leaky spots in the roof are gone. . .>. . .>Dog'garn it though, that's MARES work!
>>41126868>Stallion stuck the mare in a holeThat's scandalous, Anon>Captcha: s0y2j
>>41125689"Silence thyself, wench, and begone from me!!"And then I probably vaporize her with a beam of pure hatred from my forehead.
>>41103561Peace at last.
>Aliens were real>Your grandpappy had been right>One day, a nation appeared in the middle of the Pacific ocean >Equestria>Aliens with horns and wings that looked a lot like humans>They could fly though, and do magic>Like actual magic>They were also a lot better at war>You'd think humans would be the best at it, but being able to make things appear with your brain triumphed guns and tanks>All the nukes had disappeared one day, then armored ladies flew all over the world>Various elected officials were rounded up before any proper resistance could be mounted, and their true forms were revealed>Lizard people>Everyone of the was a lizard person from under the earth>You found out later that they ate babies, like all the time>They had set up governments all around the world so as to help humans as cattle and blood sacrifices >Again, your grandpappy had been right >The general populace of Earth was so thrown for a loop with that that people just sort of waited for something to happen>You didn't hear a whole lot>You lived in a little nowhere town>Folks had sacked the local Walmart for food, but other than that it was weirdly calm>The power didn't go down>There was no fiery blast that killed everyone>You still got your mail>A week after the "invasion" your boss texted you to come back to work>You never really watched the news, but you heard from folks that one of the aliens had been talking to the news>Well, what was left of the news>Apparently most of them were lizard people as well>One of them was a big lady with wings and flowing hair>She said your world had been liberated >That the damage was going to be repaired>That humanity was safe now>That 'Equestria would steer them down the right path">Whatever that meant>You just tried to keep your head down>Things started coming in>Magic trinkets >Some of the aliens came around too>A pair of gals>One with wings and one with a horn on her head>They were pretty weird>The one with the wings said you were beautiful>The other asked why your mother would let you out all by yourself, and insisted that they accompany you >They seemed really interested in you>Asked a lot of questions>You answered everything as best as you could, since they were the aliens with crazy powers and you weren't>Then they left>You didn't think any further on it, until you got a letter in the mail>A fancy letter>It had a goddamn wax seal>You had been chosen for a new program set up by the Equestrian government >You were going to receive a state mandated wife for 'the sake of friendship and the flourishing of harmony>She'd be coming in a month>The letter advised you to brush up on your cooking and house working skills>Your buddy Jerry was made he didn't get an alien wife>You hoped she'd like spaghetti, because that's all you knew how to cook really
Without turning into a Caramel (which I believe is the RGRE equivalent of a Karen) or a slut, how would you use sexism to your advantage?
>>41127665Pretty much. Caramel is either a Karen or a blue haired libtard feminazi, depending on the author.As for the question, I dunno. Probably wear tight pants and stretch provocatively whenever the ponice bug me? Let em look all they want, but not touch, might get me out of a ticket.
>>41127588I want one. I'm going to sling one of the wing ones over my shoulder and take her home.
>>41127669Or a complete bro/town big brother, sometimes.
>>41127669>whenever the ponice bug me?Do you think the term "bug me" came about in Equestria because of how persistent changelings are with their impersonating and love-collecting?
>>41127665It depends if you're considered attractive or not.
>>41127588>Sexist winged women WILL snatch you up>They WANT to steal you from earthling ladies>Keep your eyes to the skies
>>41127731What's the best way to get a pegasus girls' attention from the ground? Should I wear bright colors?
>>41127588>humanizedI can't- I'm gonna vomit!
>>41127588>>The one with the wings said you were beautiful>supermodel tier winged alien saying something like this to you>implying you wouldn't blush
>>41127812>Then you wake up.
>>41128024Well obviously, the satanic lizard people aren't going to give it all up that easily.
>>41127588What do the "earth ponies" look like, then?
>>41127712Well shit, I do now.
>>41127731>>41127738>tfw you're gonna get swooped
>>41128064Beeeeg girls. Like a full head taller than even a tall man. Heavier too, but not like fat heavy. A dense heavy.
>>41128081It could also mean 'spying' like it does to us too, what with changelings being able to disguise themselves and perform espionage easily. Same with 'cuddlebug', again what with the love-harvesting and the lover-impersonating.
>>41127812I'd be easy prey. That shit flusters me.
>When you realize just how much more tactile ponies are compared to humans
>>41128219>You and Rainbow aren't in a relationship or anything>You and her are friends, but that's it>This is just how she takes her afternoon nap
>>41127588>I want to make this thread about no hooves so hard, better shit out a green>They make my pp hard, so I'll make them overpowered gods of war that invade earth and dominate those pesky humans that keep treating me badly.>Oh fuck, they'd just get vaporized with nukes! Uhhhh... Nukes just disappear! Ha, take that, stupid humans!>But I gotta make them The Good Guys(tm) somehow so readers like them...>Oh, I know! It was... Le Lizard People and their (((wacky shenanigans)))!>See? My no hooves are actually good!!! Love them, worship them now!>They're gonna take me for a husband because I'm special, but not Jerry, because only I determine who gets a no hooves wife!>Something something RGREFucking.Kill.Yourself.
I hardly even read the posts here anymore. The only reason I stick around is waiting for Long and Short updates to drop, and the hope that one of the old writefags makes a comeback.
>>41128173haha oh noooo not that haha
>>41128245How many years have you been angry anon
>>41127812>10/10 woman tells me that she thinks me, a 5 on a good day, is beautiful."Alright, what's your angle? I'm poor and also very stingy. So even if I wanted to buy anything for you, I couldn't afford to. Go prospect somewhere else, thanks."
>>41128343>I'm poorWorks every time
>>41128313NTA but it's just really tiring seeing misanthropic wish fulfillment stories.Yes, I know where I am, but there's a difference between:>ha ha, liberal women sure do suck amirite? Also maybe some funny culture clash?and>ponies take over the world and all our world-ending weapons arbitrarily don't work because reasons
>>41128219>>41128230>Typical 'Rainbro' story where Anon and Dash are set up in tons of borderline romantic or suggestive situations, but in all honesty the two are pulling off an incredible prank against Princess Cadance when she stops by to see how Twilight is doing.>Snuggling on the bench in the park? It just got cold, and now the two were sharing body heat like they were trapped in an ice cap.>Smooching? Nah, secret handshake- you wouldn't get it. Only cool people understand.>Romantic outings are even disguised as things like parkour stunts that 'just so happen' to get them to a nice restaurant- and it's not like they're just going to NOT eat something after an intense workout. Fancy food will have to do.>She can sense the love between the two, but no matter what she sees or does Cadance never gets the two to admit it to her.>It's only after Cadance and Shining are on the way back home via train ride that she reads letters in the sky. . .>'We're engaged.'>Cadance nearly has a conniption.
>>41128385>ha ha, liberal women sure do suck amiriteGetting real sick of seeing that, too.
>>41127588i'm just gonna pretend they were ponies the whole time and spitball off that>be iowanon>like most iowans you were aware of what had been happening, but were content to wait patiently for the lizardnigger's demise>you were all pleasantly surprised that the elder corn lords' prediction was fulfilled a few decades early, if markedly confused as to the method of the lizard's downfall>nobody expected magic, technicolor equines to do the job (except that one faggot in the betting pool who is now insufferably smug)>but as usual you and your fellow iowans were content to watch and wait to see what would happen next>you were interested when the winged horses started appearing en-masse to the midwest with wierd machinery>your neighbor had told you they were weathermares and were trying to get the climate more domesticated>if the serendipitous severe storm was anything to go by mother nature was not taking kindly to the new interlopers trying to rein her inhttps://youtu.be/R_ZDVYzIhgc?si=HT4R65_C5SlQXD0b>you were currently sitting on your porch watching the twister roll by a few miles out. the mares, bless their heart, were trying to wrangle the beast, but if you were calling the shots when the vortex has vortexes it'd be time to wave the white flag>one of the mares is yelling at you in her wierd horse language and broken english. you think she wants you to take cover in your house considering she's pointing at your door>you just sit there sipping your soda watching the twister, the pegasi trying to wrangle it, and the increasingly frustrated mare in front of you>it's just a little rain and wind. it's not even coming your way.>regardless once the tornado's moved far enough away to be boring you finally allow the yellow mare yelling at you to escort you back into your house>not being a complete savage you offer her a fresh soda, which she takesfuck me i have no idea where i'm going with this it's 1 AM i'm sleep deprived and i have wageslaving in the morning. i think i was gonna have anonsee if he could make a request to the whole 'state mandated marriage' to choose the yellow mare with the soft wings, big ass, and fiery personality because i think it'd be funny to have spitfire, a traditionally marely mare's mare, be the one pursued and not know how to deal with itgood night anons
>>41128420Plenty of other places in this godforsaken fandom that worship them.
>>41128420To be fair, modern-ish liberal=deranged man hating commies women, do suck in more ways than one.
>>41128479>>41128675Move to Saudi Arabia then, conservatard.
>>41128219Need. I want random mares to cuddle up next to me on the park bench. I want the average greeting to be a hug and a quick nuzzle. I want brushing and basic grooming to be common while having a conversation. I want mares to climb into my bed while I'm asleep because no-one should sleep alone.
>>41128705Go Suck more animal dicks lefty subhuman
>>41128812Inshallah
I would a centrist mare.
>>41128427This is good. Not the "nohooves is shit, therefore hooves good" even though it's true shit, either. Objectively good. Equestrians wildly overestimating just how wild the Earthen biosphere is and suddenly having trouble opens up a lane for a more equal footing for humans and ponies rather than a bunch of mary sues showing up and going "lol you're all our property now". There's room for conflict, drama, character growth, and so on.In other words, there's room for a story, something the other prompt doesn't actually have (which is why not a single one of those humanized ponies prompts ever went everywhere).In other words, good work. Just dropping some encouragement instead of reading and not even leaving a (You) like I sometimes do. Trying to be better about that.>>41128175>Every human immediately feels inadequate in every way (dick size included) when they see earth "ponies">Humanearthmares BTFO'd
>>41128863Centrism for the fucking win, fuck the leftrightoids.
>>41128867>Dick size included Hey, most mares are just happy to see a dick
>>41127588erm, what the sigma?
>>41128427>Be Spitfire>It's a wonder these dumb monkeys are still around.>The colts, or whatever in Celestia's name you call them, have ZERO survival instincts.>None.>Not a one.>At least they know how to thank a mare hard at work. Even if it does taste like sugar in chemical soup.>Have none of them heard of the concept of lemonade? >Still, it's the thought that counts, you suppose. And you really don't want to deal with an upset colt right now.>You haven't seen a multivortex twister since storm camp. Especially not one with its own satellite tornadoes.
>>41128427>>41128867alright i'm awake and now that i've had time to sleep on it some points/conflicts i wanted to cover or mention>spitfire and anon overcoming language barrier>mares picking up human customs (lord help the first mare that messes with someone's cast iron) and vice versa>earth ponies having a field day (hue) growing CROPS around the mississippi river>leads to accidental parasprite infestation that threatens to go biblical>unicorns tearing their manes out over earth's seemingly illogical magic (may or may not be merlin's fault)>pegasi struggling to adapt to how wild earth's weather is compared to equestria, forcing them to grow strong and resourceful>culminates in the first cloud city and weather factory of earth being built>humanity coping with the growing pains of shifting from 'survival of the fittest' to 'friendship is magic' (and the obvious gender role reversal)>>41129024lol i'll be honest whenever there's a tornado warning in the area i don't give a fuck and just keep playing vidya. if it's my time to go then me being in the basement won't matter. that twister in the vid though? never seen that before and was awesome to watch
>>41129035Desensitization. Too many false alarms from radar indicated warnings that observed or radar confirmed warnings don't seem dangerous.
>>41129044>implying i don't know /exactly/ how dangerous iowa's weather isit's all calculated risk, anon. i'd probably send spitfire into conniptions every time i hung out to watch her work with dangerous weather though and would start taking shelter just for her ease of mind.>>41129035>>pegasi struggling to adapt to how wild earth's weather is compared to equestria, forcing them to grow strong and resourceful>>mares picking up human customs (lord help the first mare that messes with someone's cast iron) and vice versaooh, now that i think about it this might result in weathermares modeling themselves after human first responders like firefighters, EMTs, and search & rescue. would probably be a nightmare integrating that into existing first responder stuff though, especially an all pony thing trying to mesh with traditionally all human responders
>>41128245>I want to make this thread about no hooves so hardAnon, the RGRE thread has had nohooves greentext posted here for years. Nobody cares but you. Get over it already.
>>41128863Would they just call it shoe theory in their world because horseshoe is a little redundant
Foal marriage was probably pretty prevalent in RGREquestria's past, with the lack of males. Gotta get em locked down early lest you lose the chance altogether.
>>41129051The Wonderbolts acted as "first responders" in the show. They were (not very effectively) on the scene when Spike became Spikezilla, and the flag-finding exercise in the academy looked like search-and-rescue training.Having firefighters, EMTs, and so on being mostly men would be like one of those animes where everyone is replaced with teenage girls.
>>41129310>Exchange of Stallions (in truth it was more like "exchange of colts", given how young they usually were) was important to secure peaceful relation between clan in the pre-diarchy era. Raids of allied tribe for males was prevented, and the allied tribes would unite to prevent outside raiders.>It is speculated, however, that the lack of love in the individual relationships contributed to the problem of windigoes.-excerpt from Swooping, Flashing, and Stampedes: The Plight of Stallions in the Pre-Unification Era, by Dusty Tomes
What sort of well-meant gesture would you still appreciate, even if it was unquestionably sexist?
>>41128427>mother nature was not taking kindly to the new interlopers trying to rein her in>Mother Nature is a real, tangible things>One of the last vestiges of Earth's natural magic>She used to simply be a force of the world, an unintelligent state of cause and effect that could be directed and controlled>But with all the real wizards like Merlin dead, there was no one left to control her>Over time she grew in not only power but intelligence>Sadly she didn't use that intelligence for benevolence>Luckily she didn't use it for malevolence either>She tolerates the humans walking around her, but she doesn't like them>And she really, REALLY, doesn't fucking like aliens>Especially ones that think they know better than her>These ponies don't know what they're doing>Her humans crave conflict and destruction>They need it to keep them from becoming complacent, and stagnant>If that means throwing tornados at their houses or flooding their population centres, then so be it>She'll be damned if she lets some alien hippies tell her no, now that she's had a taste of freedom>It may not end up being Humans vs Ponies>But it's damn well gonna be Earth vs Ponies>After all, it's like they say>Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned>And there's no woman more powerful than Mother Nature
>>41129520This sounds kinda like those old angry mother hfy greens.
>>41129500gift of banana bread
>>41129643That sounds racist, not sexist.
>>41129758fairgift of sperm-boosting supplements then? some mares take their giga-nuts seriously
>>41128870Fence Centers get the bullet too
>>41129500Pots/pans, recipe books, and other random food prep shit like apple slicers and orange juicers..
I wanna be...SEDUCED. I AM NOT YOUR AVERAGE BACKROOM STALLION WHORE, SEDUCE ME!
>>41129997Is it the good stuff? Restaurant-grade stuff can get pricey. Somepony who gives you the good stuff might be marriage material.
>>41129758Don't care. Banana bread is great.And besides, banana is phallic, and bread is made in the oven.So the mare might be telling you to take your banana and put a bun in her oven.That's both subtle and delicious.>t.schizo
>>41130018I see... so banana bread is traditionally gifted to newly weds?
>>41130019Only for human-pony couples. For ponies, it something like carrot cake or cucumber sandwiches.
>>41130006I've got a bucket of apples, wanna do it?
>>41130012Assuming I got poofed into Equestria with my entire house, I'd take pretty much anything. If it requires the oven I wouldn't be able to use it since the oven doesn't work, but everything else I can absolutely use.
>>41129500Socks, really. I hate the feeling of dust on my feet almost as much as I hate wearing closed shoes outside of winter, so pony lingerie for my feet would be worn often and openly.Barring that, pans, a hand vacuum, better cutlery, etc. The kind of shit that every homemaker wants and needs to not hate their life but would absolutely piss off every Caramel in a 4 mile radius. Don't give me those crummy copper bottom pans either, that nonstick coating scrapes off and gives you cancer.
>You are Anon Y Mous, and the summer is here.>It can mean only one thing: it's time to grill.>Sadly, meat is not on the menu in Equestria, but as you have found out, the veggies are damn good here.>Even the top-shelf stuff from back home tastes like cardboard compared to the Equestrian produce.>It started out innocently enough, when your neigh-bour mares showed up, attracted by the smell.>You just chuckled and handed them a grilled carrot dog with extra ranch each.>Their reaction to the taste was pure gold.>One day later and a bunch of pony-sized chairs and one big patio arm-chair mysteriously appeared on your backyard.>Your little cookout session started gathering more attention from local mares, who would show up with various food for you to barbecue and season.>You just laughed and grilled, happy that you've got someone to grill the food and shoot the breeze with.>Not to mention the heart-melting reactions to the food, first-time mares having a two-thousand yard stare on the first bite, then scarfing down the entire thing like they're starving.>Not long after you received a box of expensive-looking cutlery from a very flustered mare.>You tried to thank her, but she just brushed that off muttering something about colts and sharp implements abashedly.>As you found out, the cutlery was enchanted, and cut through food like a razor but refused to leave even a scratch on anything else.>That's pretty handy, if you do say so yourself!>Not long after you similarly came into possession of a set of cast-iron pans and a plethora of other cooking implements.>Cooking was entertaining enough for you before, but now you downright had fun, slicing and dicing without care in the world.>One early morning, you decided to prepare some sandwiches before your usual guests arrived. It was meant as a hearty 'Thank you' to the mares who so readily chipped in.>You really pulled all the stops with these sandwiches, each being a hoof-thick, all laid out on the table, waiting for the regulars to show up.>Once they arrived, you were hit with a dozen of wide-eyed stares. Mares' pupils grew almost as big as their eyes.>You are now in a happy herd with twelve mares.>What the heck is a 'marriage sandwich'?
>>41130588God I wish that were me
>>41130588>>Sadly, meat is not on the menu in EquestriaAnon...
>>41130623Griffins don't eat meat, they eat gold
>>41128427>>41129520>Mother Nature is an Earth adjacent of Equestria's Harmony>Much like Equestria's Harmony, there are six key elements that help to shape and embody that magic of nature>Now with these new god damn alien kids on her front lawn, she must choose six unlikely humans to be her Bearers of Nature to combat them, or at the very least make them to go away so she can get back to throwing tornados at trailer parks for her amusement>(You) are chosen to be one of these sixWill you heed her call, Anon?
>>41113488Twilight is such a good friend, always looking out for Anon's penile blood supply
>>41130827"Rise, my elements of nature!">You have summoned six mortals to serve you.>Six humans to combat these. . . Interlopers not of your design.>You wished that you did not have to bestow mortals with your power, but with your hands tied with the introduction of 'Harmony' you are left little little other choice.>"Havoc, Apathy, Beauty, Change, Endurance. . . Death. RISE, and SERVE.">Your name is Anon, Element of Havoc.>You're sick of this shit.>Being bossed around by nature left and right when she has given you the power to control destruction leaves a sour taste in your mouth.>Still, having the power to cause entropy with the snap of the fingers is pretty fun.>It's about time you got to throw some weight around for a change.>Your name is Incognito, Element of Apathy.>You'd think that made you lazy and careless, but as it turns out you're just highly logical.>The complications of morals just makes things difficult to bear.>All the begging and screaming is such an headache.>It's easier just to turn it all off and hold nothing back.>Even Nature won't stop barking orders like a rabid dog; thinking their way is best.>There's always more efficient ways of handling things though. . .>Your name is Fem, Element of Beauty.>It's only natural that looks like yours has legions of followers. >A single picture of your cute face causes hearts across the world to swell with anticipation.>All of those drones would do anything for their queen bee.>They'd even tear apart anyone who would dare speak out against you.>Anything for a chance to lay their eyes upon your body in person.>Those pesky aliens better watch their back, or they might just wind up. . .>CANCELLED.>Your name is Comfy, Element of Change.>You really don't mind all of these alien folks- they actually seem really nice.>You even had a really nice chat with a few of them the other day.>J-just, uh, don't tell Nature that. They might get really miffed.>Sometimes, you don't know if Nature really knows how to react to these 'ponies.'>Not really knowing how to let go, and more on. . .>Makes you wonder why CHANGE exists in a system that seems directly adverse to it.>How sad. . .>Your name is JOHN DOE, ELEMENT OF ENDURANCE.>NOBODY KNOWS ENDURANCE LIKE YOU DO.>YOU WANT ENDURANCE? THEN YOU NEED TO GET FIT, BRO!>THINK YOU CAN STAND TO JOHN?>HA!>Maybe don't think of skipping leg-day for the next twelve centuries, and we'll see how those jelly-tubes hold up.>Your name is Enigma, Element of DEATH.>Heh, sorry 'ponies.' Nothing personal.>Aliens trying to step in on your dear, sweet, boss's world are going to taste the steel of your sacred blade.>Besides, you have a much better waifu than anything ponies could possibly offer.>Nature-san. . .>What must you do to make her notice you more?>Be nature once more.>This may have been a mistake.
>>41130898>the only people capable of Bearing the Magic of Nature are a bunch of shitposting freaks, autists, and outcasts>Mother Nature realizes that it's true, she can't have her cake and eat it too
>>41131138Normies are too conforming and too invested in propping up the masquerade to see anything outside the narrative given to them.The aforementioned shitposting freaks, autists, and outcasts are simply incapable of fitting in and having society dampen their sensitivity.
>>41130898This only makes me wany to commit more ambiental crimes... Also Where the fuck is our orbit weapons plataform? Yes they got our fucking nukes but orbital cinetic bombardment its still a thing! What the fuck they could do against a bloody Tugsten rod going at them at a very VERY fast speed?
Do you think opening a beer bottle with her pussy is a relatively common mare party trick?
>>41131265Absolutely. It's right up there with queefing the alphabet.
>>41131265Rainbow is making it common.
>>41131265...I'd drink it, honestly. Somewhat impressive.
>>41130898>Heh, sorry 'ponies.' Nothing personal.It has to be this way
>>41131265Egh, regular cap is nothing impressive.Rotating, tho...
>>41131340Gives "screwing" a whole 'nother meaning, innit?
>>41131344
>Be Anon in sexism horseland.>Being isekai'd here has given you a new understanding of the plight of human wom->"Hey, Anon!">sumbitch.>You glance up at Rainbow Dash, flapping just above your porch. >"Mare, I'm busy doing literally nothing.">"I'll give you something else to do if ya want!">You sigh.>You can technically acquiesce to getting horsepussy, but they're so damn annoying about it. >Rainbow lands and presents a Rubix Cube.>She turns around, and smirks back at you. >"Check this out!">The Rubix Cube is hoofed into her vagina, and you stare at bluefast in concern. >"Rainbow?">Her hindquarters shake, and she grunts.>"Yeah?">"Are you retarded?" >"J-Just wait, it's gonna be so cool!">You wait and ponder why your life is like this as Dash's marejuice drips to the ground, her ass and hind legs twitching and shifting until...>PLOP!>The Rubix Cube reappears, completed.>She smirks back at you.>You stare back at her with the look of a man who just watched a friend complete a Rubix Cube with her vagina.>Her smirk loses strength.>You make your way inside of your private domicile, and lock the door. >"...Horseapples..."
>>41131336Fluttershy is so fucking wet
>Ponies aren't fantastic swimmers>By and large can only doggy paddle>Anon is finally accepted by Ponyville at large after he dives into a pond to save a drowning foal
>>41131367"I'm gonna get Twilight to turn me into a breezie so I can feel what that rubix cube just went through.">"Damnit Anon! You made it weird again...""The fact that I'm too big to fit is the only thing keeping me from climbing up your ass and refusing to come back out.">Rainbow scowls and snorts at you before flying off, "Way to ruin the mood!">You notice she left the rubix cube, it's still slimy>You pick it up and give it as hard a chuck as you can>It doesn't go as far as you'd hope, but it does land on Roseluck's roof and rolls off onto her garden
>>41130898My sides
>>41130898fucking kek, 10/10 shitpost anon
>>41130898>ApathyHey, that's me.
>>41131484>Another social situation successfully navigated
>>41131367This is what mares think counts as romance
>>41130827It makes sense that Discord would be the son of Earth/Gaia, and in an ironic twist on pony sexism, how sons should be obedient and obey their mothers.Discord is the crowned prince of Mamma Boy's. And he nearly obeys all his mom's demands like the good son he is.
>>41130898It's all fun and games until Mother Nature comes to take her powers back, and she learns about the nature of 'no takebacks.'
>>41131367>>41131484why is horse world like this?curse these ponies and the sensible chuckles they provide
>>41131485>Implying Rainbow wouldn't clumsily """"flirt"""" back
Y'all niggers too coward for wing hugs.
>>41132629Fuck you. You don't even know what I would do for wing hugs.
>>41132646I bet you wouldn't try very hard. You'd ask for wing-hugs, she'd say 'no', then you'd get sad and give up. Go hug a mare, you won't. No balls.
>>41132651>mare hooves typed this posta stallion initiating a hug with a mare is actually part of an ancient law from before the unification that hasn't been abolished yet that means they are horse marriedwith that in mind, go hug a mare
>>41131461>>41133013>Ponies don't have CPR>Never really invented it since most mares sink too fast to be saved by even the most aquatically-adept mares>Until one day, a teenage anon brings a filly back from the dead>Scootaloo falls into the lake, her last words being "HEY ANON CHECK THIS OU-AAAAAAAAAA">Anon pulls Scootaloo from the water>Rainbow Dash is already freaking out over what to tell her parents I kid, they won't give a shit>Suddenly Anon is crushing her chest>Screaming at her to fight and live>Poor guy, ,males always take it personally when a foal dies>Now he's... fucking kissing her!?>Stallions avert their foals' eyes>Mares are unsure>Like this is hella fucked up even by the horniest and most desperate mare's standards>But stopping him now?>No, no mare could bear the thought of taking this spectacle away from the filly's ghost as it sped away>Probably towards damnation since everypony knows broken homes are bad for the soul, but still>Doesn't help that basically everypony but Anon knew she was crushing on him hard>Alright, yes, they're pretty jealous of that dead kid right now>Holy Sunbutt he's still going?>Mares are starting to think he had a crush on her too>A tragic love story as old as time: A filly too boneheaded to spit it out, and a colt too proper to even ask>Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle pour one out for Scoots>"Ya finally made it with a stallion, ya dang chicken.">Swibble waits a respectful 2 seconds before saying her piece:>"How the heck are we gonna get around town without her scooter? We're gonna have to walk!">Apple Bloom's facade cracks at this, and she dishonors her marehood in front of several males>Twilight finally finds her nerve and starts to approach, only for Pinkie to stop her>"No. I smell... a Welcome Back To The Living party.">Sure enough, Scootaloo is coughing and hacking and gasping but very much alive>"Heh... you wanted me that bad, huh? Well, here I am!">And that's how Anon found himself standing in front of Cadance>She and Shining Armor are both fighting back tears as they officiate his marriage to the Cutie Mark Crusaders>"LOVE DEFEATS DEATH ITSELF" was in all the papers>Celestia declared the day a holy day>Not a holiday, a full-on fucking holy day>On the bright side, all the other colts who told him to wait for her to make the first move?>Yeah they've got egg on their stupid faces right now
>>41133192anon has some superior taste singling out the best cmc.
>>41133192A healthy kek was had.
>8Y'all shaming your ancestors
>>41133844>Applejack>Shaming our ancestors Look who's talking, most of her family tree had a couple foals already by her age.
I need a Marecel to kiss and cuddle.
Hey, the anon of Feedback Loop is still here? I still want to read more of that green, I really like it
>>41133192>>"No. I smell... a Welcome Back To The Living party."kek
>>41133900Nice gals finish last
>>41133948Of course they do, the male ejaculation is the most important part of reproduction. Also not being able to pleasure one is a really bad mark on a mare's reputation.
>Today was a very important day for Cloud Chaser. It was a day important for all pegasi. The day she would become a real mare. >Today, she was going to coltnap herself a horseband.>As she had been taught, she had taken her time picking a good stallion. A cute stallion was nice and all, but what good was cute if he couldn’t cook or clean? She also couldn’t pick some ugly colt. Good food and a clean house was great, but how would she start a family if she couldn’t look at him? In the end, she felt she had picked the best middle ground. Not the perfect stallion--there was no such thing, despite what her father insisted--but a stallion she’d be able to have a family with and see them both grow old. She had found Anonymous the human.>Anon sat where he usually did at noon on a Tuesday; lying on his hammock, fast asleep. His ‘honk-me-me-me-me’s filled the quiet afternoon, hands resting against his chest. His face was serene. Peaceful. Completely and utterly trusting, content, and not on any sort of alert.>Truly it was the perfect time to steal him.>Flitter was with you of course. You had been there to help your sister steal Thunderlane and take him to a secluded cloud, so it was only fair that she returned the favor. It would actually be considerably easier compared to stealing the stallion. Anon didn’t have a family here, so it wasn’t like they’d have to dodge angry kin trying to get him back. He also couldn’t fly, making it a lot tricker to escape them.>In fact, the more Cloud Chaser thought about it, the more she couldn’t help but pat herself on the back. Honestly, this coltnapping would be an absolute piece of cake. All they needed to do was get him out of that hammock and fly him to a cloud. There was one little, teeny tiny issue with that however.>His size.>“How, by Luna’s teats, are we going to pick him up?” Flitter asked, as you both looked up at him.>Cloud Chaser couldn’t help but admit her sister [i]did[/i] have a point. While he was an exotic, handsome colt that liked to wear socks everywhere, he was a good deal bigger than a pony. By her guesstimation, he was at least twice the size of Big Mac laying down like he was, and Big Mac was a [i]massive[/i] stallion. “We’ll do it just like we did with Thunderlane,” she said with her best smile, nudging her sister with a wing. “Pick ‘em up and fly as hard as we can.”>Her smile was not returned as Flitter looked toward the alien colt. She trotted over and gave Anon a poke. The hyoo-man gave her no reaction. The weeks Cloud Chaser had spent tailing him showed that he was an awfully heavy sleeper.
>>41134433>Flitter moved herself underneath the hammock. With a grunt, she tried lifting Anon up with her back. Cloud Chaser watched as she did it carefully at first, then putting more and more force into it until she was shaking with the effort. Even with what was clearly her full strength, she wasn’t able to move Anon’s snoozing form an inch upward.>Cloud Chaser frowned. She trotted over, getting beside her sister and trying to lift with her. As soon as she did, she felt the unyielding weight that was the hyoo-man. >“Sweet Celestia… What are they feeding this guy?” Flitter grunted, breathing explosively through her nose.“It might be easier if we could get him on the ground,” Cloud Chaser suggested.>“And how the hay would we get him on the ground? We can’t even move him where he is now?”“He’s in a hammock, not a Canterlot Castle vault. We can just untie him from the tree and gently let him down.”>“[i]Gently[/i]? This colt weighs more than a house!”“We could try that, or we both can break our backs trying to lift him up. Or maybe you have a better idea?”>Flitter’s muzzle scrunched up. She moved out from underneath him, staring at the sleeping colt with irritation. Cloud Chaser could tell that she was trying to think of something better. Unfortunately for her, out of the two of them, Flitter really wasn’t the planning type.>“I got nothing,” she said after a minute, shaking her head. “Alright, let's try your plan. Just… don’t be under him, or anywhere near him. He might smoosh you.”>Cloud Chaser gave her sister a mock salute. Flitter answered by making a vulgar gesture with her hoof before both sisters made their way toward one of the trees holding the hammock up. They were both thick, sturdy oaks. The rope didn’t seem to be anything special, nor did the knot securing it. “We should get something to put underneath him,” Cloud Chaser said as her sister examined the knot. “It’s not a high fall, but I don’t know if we--”>Before she could finish her thought, Flitter reached up. With one purposeful tug, she undid the knot. The front of the hammock went slack, and Anon fell forward, landing in the dirt with enough force to make the earth tremble.
>>41134438>Anon’s snoring paused. His face contorted, and he tensed. He shifted in the dirt for a moment or two before rolling himself onto his back. He reached around, grabbing a rock and placing it under his head like a makeshift pillow. A look of contentment once again came over his face, followed by snores. >Cloud Chaser looked over at her sister, her brow furrowed. Flitter just stared back.>“...What?”“There is something wrong with you,” Cloud Chaser replied, poking her in the chest. “Now come on. Let's see if we can move him from this position.”>Both pegasi made their way over to the sleeping man. They grabbed his arms and pulled. When they noticed that he didn’t move an inch, they switched to his legs. Even flapping their wings as hard as they could didn’t move Anon an inch. They grunted and gritted their teeth, their hooves digging into the ground as they tried to find purchase. No matter how hard they tried, it really was like trying to move a mountain. Cloud Chaser had heard of colts being heavy-boned, but this was something else.>“Are you sure you don’t want to try for Caramel?” Flitter asked, panting from the effort. “I know he likes to complain a lot, but sweet Luna I don’t know if even a cumulonimbus cloud will hold this colt up.”“Our auntie Nimbus managed to snag herself a full grown drake, and she was half your size,” Cloud Chaser said, wiping some sweat from her brow. “We just need to stop and think for a--”>“Hey!”>Both Flitter and Cloud Chaser looked over, watching as Rainbow Dash flew toward them. The mare’s face scrunched up, a scowl on her face as she closed the distance between them in a matter of seconds.>“What the hay are you doing to Anon there?” she demanded.>“Cloudy here wants to make him her horseband, so we’re stealing him,” Flitter said.>Rainbow blinked. The sister’s watched as Rainbow’s expression softened.>“Oh, really?” she said with a smile. “Thank Celestia. I thought you girls were trying to take his socks off so you can lick his weird hooves or something.”“...Does that happen a lot for Anon?”
>>41134442>Rainbow shrugged. “I don’t think so, but you can never be too careful.” She looked around warily, then leaned closer toward the sisters. “There’s hoof pervs out there [i]everywhere[/i].”>She stood back up to her full height, looking down at the hyoo-man.>“So, why’s he on the ground like that? You guys should have him up in a cloud right now.”“We’re trying, Rainbow,” Cloud Chaser said. “He’s just… I mean, well, he’s--”>“He’s super heavy,” Flitter said. “I think he has rocks in his pockets or something. I know we’re not earth ponies, but me and sis here should be able to at least move him.”>Rainbow grunted. “Here, why don’t you let The Dash help you out,” she offered. “I bet if I can get him sitting up you both could at least get under his arms, then we can figure it out from there.”>The mares nodded in agreement. Both Flitter and Cloud Chaser once again grabbed his arms, while Rainbow bit down on his shirt. >“Alright,” Rainbow said through a mouthful of fabric. On three. One. Two. Three!”>The three began pulling and pushing with all of their might. As they did so, more ponies began to wander over. Some were confused, many appeared to be concerned. Lyra was the first one to speak forward and clear her throat.>"Is everything alright here?” she asked. “Does Anon need help? Did he fall or something?”>“Everything’s fine,” Rainbow grunted, a vein in her neck visibly bulging as she yanked on the hyoo-man’s shirt.“Just coltnapping him so he can be my horseband,” Cloud Chaser explained.>The crowd let out a collective “Oooh!”. There were smiles. Some of the older ponies let out wistful sighs as old memories came to mind. Out of all of them, one mare appeared annoyed.>“You fillies are doing that all wrong,” she said, shaking her head. “You gotta pick ‘em up. No colt is going to respect you if you just drag him on the ground like that!”>“That’s not a colt. Anon’s… different,” Lyra said. “He’s… heavy boned.”>“You mean fat.”>“Hey. You [i]never[/i] call a colt fat. Even if they might be.”>“Well, you got to at least get him up.”
>>41134447>“We’re… trying,” Flitter said, her back legs digging a small trench into the ground behind her as she tried to move Anon even one inch.>The old mare clicked her tongue. She appeared thoughtful, stroking her chin. >“You know… I had a cousin that bagged herself a yak years ago. She got him while he was sleeping just like this one. She used a pulley to get him up high enough so she could stick him up on a cloud.”>She turned to the crowd.>“Why don’t we help the girl. Get some rope and beams. We’ll see if we can build something quick.”>The citizens of Ponyville were nothing if not good neighbors. With nods, mares and stallions galloped away in different directions. ~_~_~_~_~_~_>“Ah-choo!”>“Bless you.”>Anon reached up, rubbing his face. Sleep tried luring him back into his warm, dark embrace, but he resisted, forcing himself to return to the land of the living.>“Bless you,” he said again, giving his cheek a pat to try to wake himself up a little faster.>The sound of a lot of folks gasping made him freeze. Slowly, he opened his eyes. He was no longer in his nice hammock under the shade. He was on the ground. Horses wearing hard hats and vests surrounded him. Looking up, he saw that there was some contraption looming over him, all beams and supports and ropes. One of the ropes appeared to be tied around his waist, and was the reason he was in a partial sitting position.>The human blinked, looking at the ponies. Friends, neighbors; he knew each and every one of them. Each stared back at him like they had just been caught stealing cookies out of the cookie jar.>Thoroughly confused, he opened his mouth and spoke the first thing that came to mind:>“Why in the world are you wearing hard hats?”
>>41134454>The ponies looked at each other.>“For safety!” a mare chirped, only to be shushed by a stallion next to her.>It took a few seconds, but Anon was able to free himself from the rope and stand up. Cloud Chaser let out a cry of anguish, galloping forward.“Oh no you don’t,” she said, pointing a hoof at him. “We didn’t go through all of this just so you wake up and walk [i]away[/i]. You’re getting coltnapped and taken to a cloud, buster. I don’t care how fat you are either. I’ll make a pulley that’ll get your big flank up--eep!”>The mare squeaked as she was picked up by the back of her neck like a kitten by a now frowning Anonymous. The crowd watched as the human marched toward the marketplace. Murmuring amongst themselves, they followed in their safety vests and hard hats.>Anon ignored all of the confused looks of the vendors as he made his way over to the fountain in the center of town. He brought the paralyzed pegasus up to his face, his brow furrowed.>“I’m not fucking [i]fat[/i],” he growled, just a twinge of hurt in his voice. “I’m bulking, you dumb horse.”“I, um--”>Before Cloud Chaser could complete her thought, Anon dropped her into the fountain. She sputtered, kicking and flailing as he turned sharply on his heel and walked back the way he came. The crowd of ponies was quick to part for him as he mumbled angrily to himself.>Flitter trotted over to the fountain. She reached down into it, giving her sister’s back a reassuring pat.>“You’ll get ‘em next time, sis.”
>>41134456good shit, lap
>>41134456Love you, LaP. I enjoy your Anon's proclivity for hucking birbs into fountains and down wells.
>>41134456>I'm not fucking [i]fat[/i]... I’m bulking
What socially-unacceptable mating rituals do you think unicorns have? Hard mode, it's not fondling the stallion's cock and balls with their magic.
>>41134848unicornholing
>>41134848The stallion is expected to give a sloppy hornjob.
>>41134456Good stuff, LaP.
>>41134889>Stallions have to do an upside-down Spider-Man kiss style hornjob>This is so that the mare can make direct eye-contact the entire time to establish dominance
Would Hank Hill and his family do well in RGREquestria?
>>41134941Bobby is flamboyant and emotionally sensitive enough to be a desirable janegirl. Hank would have a lot of friction with ponies but eventually they'd leave him alone. Peggy becomes the first state-ordered execution in 1,000 years within a week, tops. Hank is finally free and marries Applejack. Apple Bloom seethes because now Bobby is her nephew and it'd be weird to date him.
>>41134980>Apple Bloom seethes because now Bobby is her nephew and it'd be weird to date him.Anon? Buddy? She's an Earth pony, an apple. That ain't stopping her.
>>41134980Everybody knows it doesn't count if you aren't actually related.
>>41134980>HankWouldn't he be an "honorary mare" and be out grillin' with the gals, bantering over a beer?>PeggyThe "stallion-whisperer" that's female, but can make sense of their whimsy. May need Hank's help to interpret her interpreting stallions.>*muffled shouting match between Dale and the local conspiracy theorist and self-proclaimed anthropologist in the distance*Should've listened to the guy when he was "talking crazy" about rainbow chemtrails. Enjoy your propane and propane accessory sales in Equestria.>captcha: H0NHKNHonk honk.
>>41135080>HankYes that's my point exactly- Mares would have trouble believing a stallion could be that based, but once they did, he's in. But by God there'd be a *lot* of friction at first, all it would take is one mare trying to confiscate Hank's tools/grill "for his own safety." God help any mare who insults Propane.>Peggy>Stallion WhispererOn a good day, sure. On a bad day, Peggy is pretty self-righteous and just a bit of an idiot, and I could see her starting the kind of misunderstanding that ends in sexual assault or husbandbeating suspicions. This is the woman who in one episode takes a kick to the clit like a champ, but in another is stupid enough to accidentally kidnap a Mexican girl. Equestria would be a coin flip for her.>DaleDale was trying to clear out the changeling threat before the wedding, Luna was trying to save him from his own whimsy, hilarity ensues.
>>41134980>Hank is finally free and marries Applejack>"I tell you hwat that there Applejack is a good woman">>"Don't you mean a good mare, Hank?">"Damn it, I know what I said"
>>41135232>God there'd be a *lot* of friction at first, all it would take is one mare trying to confiscate Hank's tools/grill "for his own safety."Hank does have that anger issue.
you all have forgotten the truth hank
>>41135764He doesn't have an anger problem, he has an idiot problem. There's a difference.And by god there are some mares who prefer to use charcoal
>>41135810>And by god there are some mares who prefer to use charcoalThat's because they're right. Charcoal > propane. I might as well be microwaving my food for all the extra flavor propane (doesn't) gives my burgers.
>>41135813Under that logic why not burn wood chips for flavor?
>>41135815Because that would be strange, silly filly.
>>41135817???
>>41135868I SAID, BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE STRANGE, SILLY FILLY.
>>41135869I'm sorry i don't know that reference
>>41135879It's all good, m8
>>41135232>Dale x LunaDon't know if great, or terrible ship.Maybe not a ship, just two loonies sharing their conspiracy theories.
>>41135815Its called smoking and its a thing.
>>41135921I wasn't even shipping them, but I am now.
>>41135798People on this board are too young to know who's that.
>>41136311Not true, Friday night funkin put Hank into the minds of many zoomers.
>Be Spitefire>Be assigned to the weather team of earth>It's a bucking mess>Tornados, rampant storm clouds, lighting firing off willy nilly>You've never even HEARD about hurricanes as bad as you've seen back at the academy>Whoever let it get this bad here is a bucking dyke>You were assigned to a place in one of their continents >Specifically, in an area called tornado alley>Sure as sugar, the place lived up to its name>You and the girls have been working overtime >That's not the frustrating part>The frustrating part is the hyoo-man colts here>You've seen dumb stallions, but you've never seen anypony with sense STAND outside to watch a tornado make its way down the street a hundred feet away from them>Without a shirt on>Drinking a beer>No fear, and not a single thought in their heads>If you'd have seen this one, you'd just consider it a fluke, but you MUST have seen it at least twenty times>They liked to ride INTO the storms as well, in those little metal wagons they had>You once had to dive down to save a man from hail the side of baseball because he was just standing there "enjoying" the storm as he put it>If you were his father you'd have beaten him sense into him>AND they were allowed to VOTE>VOTE!>It was bananas>You've never seen a race so unapologetically suicidal >The princesses really had their work cut out for them
>>41136760>>You've never seen a race so unapologetically suicidaldeath would be a mercy desu
>>41136760>Be human watching colorful alien women.>Except they're horses.>They are trying so hard to fight the weather.>Tough as nails too.>Saw one get beaned in the head by a free flying tire.>Gnarly as fuck.>You don't know if they're going to put much of a dent in stopping the weather, but bless their dumb hearts they're trying.>"Anon, you still watching them?">Your phone buzzes once again, a guy in town is getting a thank you potluck ready for the aliens."They're still at it.">"Tell us when they're wrapped up. We're ready when they are. I heard they love surprises.">Phone goes silent again, allowing to think as you watch the show.>Could make your family chili recipe, but that needs time.>Horses like oats right?>Oats sandwich?>A crash ends your thoughts as one of the horse folk is piledrived in your front yard.>Open Skies, you think was her name."You hangn' in there?">"I ain', err, I ain't heard no bell.">She wobbles to her hooves.>"Sworry. I mean sorry. Ruined your nice tasty lawn.""Hey, when you all done folks in town have something for you all. Just jump in my truck and I'll take you there.">Skies coughs up some more dirt before she answers.>"Yeah, I'll tell them. But not before we tell the weather who's boss. See ya soon cutie.">She flashes a cheeky adorable grin before taking off.>You're going to make them soooo many sandwiches.
>Fall asleep in your hammock while you're wearing comfy athletic shorts.>Get a throbbing erection with the tip poking out of your shortsWhat are the odds that you wake up to a mare sucking your dick?.
>>41136911Somewhat low. Stallions walk around with their bits free to the wind all the time and mares manage to restrain themselves. Only caveat I can think of is humans supposedly emit much stronger pheromones than horses.
>Heavy rain, high winds, and the sea's whipping up ten-foot waves, but there's no lightning. Somehow.>It's summer and the water's like 85 F, so you decide to go for a challenging swim.How badly does your mare shit herself, especially if she's not a pegasus or powerful unicorn who can pull you out if something goes wrong?
>>41136760Wait until they hear about flying aircraft into hurricanes, the B15 iceberg dive, or cave diving in general.
>>41136962>flying aircraft into hurricanesThe Coast Guard is crazy. Between that and anything involving the Bering Sea I have a healthy respect and fear for those fuckers.
>>41136760>Be Vapor Mist>Be trying to settle a storm>It was a bad one>The winds were strong enough to throw around trees>You and the girls had to dodge, dip, duck, dive, and dodge around debris>You were kicking some thunderclouds when you saw him>A hyoo-man>Naked, except for a pair of cowboy boots on his feet>He was holding the flag of his country in one hand and a beer in the other>He had a hat on his head, and a pair of sun glasses>He was yelling incoherently, flipping off the sky, spilling beer everywhere>"Thankfully" for him, he had a thirty pack a foot away>This crazy colt was in the MIDDLE of the street>What the heck was wrong with these critters?
>>41136878>ywn help comfort the weather team after they encounter their first f5https://youtu.be/MxgU1QcFMJM?t=385
>>41137107>spitfire's fw a particularly cocky rookie thinks she can singlehandedly cloudbust one of earth's storm systems
A mare does not protect her husband because he is weak, but because he is retarded.
>>41136172Yes, that was my point
How does Trixie fare on Earth? Does her novel mix of Actual Fucking Magic and traditional stage illusions find her a new audience (and herd of big-dicked groupies) or does she get chased out of town by Concerned Mothers and other assorted faggotry?
>>41137299She gets mating pressed (by me)
>>41136929>challenging swim.>Buck you, Baltimare!>Take a trot to Big Belle Hell's!>Home of Challenge Swimming!>That's right, Challenge Swimming!>How does it work?>If you can swim six minutes during a tropical storm - and not bucking drown>You get no down payment!
>>41136962>or cave diving in generalFuck me in the ass, cave diving legitimately terrifies me. I can't imagine anything more anxiety-inducing than navigating a pitch-black cave in three dimensions with a limited oxygen supply. If I fuck up and get lost, I'm dead. I'm straight dead, and my last minutes will be me frantically searching for an exit.
>>41137374>bring your dog>bring your stallion>we'll fuck him>thats right, we'll fuck your stallion>you're such a dumb motherbucker you'll fall for this shit>GARUNTEED
>>41137130I want the weather team to learn about the planet-sized storm going on in Jupiter.
>>41137387And the giant hexagon storm on Saturn!
>>41137433>>41137387>literal supersonic winds of neptune>>41137299well in the post-lizard world there'll likely be a dearth of entertainers, so i suspect her act would be in high demand, though with earth's schizo leylines her true magic might cause unexpected results until she can adapttwiggles is probably apopleptic trying to map it all out>asia is a particularly bad clusterfuck, forcing twilight to spend weeks in mongolia mapping a major leyline>her guide, mognolianon, keeps singing in that wierd way of his>https://youtu.be/6WlI24rv__g?si=WDFY8_A4x2ToDeiY>even when she's miles away she can still hear him at camp, his voice resounding over the steppes
make a thread already niggerfags
>>41137585They're all out struggling against otherworldly storms.
>>41137592>not prioritizing 4chins during times of crisisCowards, all of them
>>41137491>even when she's miles away she can still hear him at camp, his voice resounding over the steppesSounds comfy, in a weird sort of way. I blame the Tatar-Mongol influence.>twiggles is probably apoplectic trying to map it all outI don't envy her. There are so many places where weird shit happens, from "mundane" gravitational and magnetic anomalies, to sacred/cursed places, to just plain weird shit the likes of low-key Roadside Picnic.>mapping leylines in AsiaShe needs to be put on suicide watch 24/7, this is a major red flag of self-harm.Just look at their fucking mythology, that's like the single worst place to try and map accurately.Even a little to the north-west wouldn't be as bad. At least it's just the distances, and wilderness, and the cold that she'd have to deal with. And unicorns have nice fluffy coats for the cold, so she should be fine.
>>41137491>Asia is a clusterfuckWait til ponies find out about Feng Shui
new threadnew threadnew thread>>41137866
>>41134456>dropping her in the fountainkek. do pegasi like water or are they like cats?
>>41137382Same, and I have a dive license. I read a book a while back by a guy who did underwater search and rescue (which usually meant body recovery).Cave diving mishaps almost always ended in death. Convinced me to avoid anything that hasn't been thoroughly mapped and had the dangerous parts blocked off.I can find the book, if you have a good imagination and want to scare yourself.
