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First for best duo!

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First for actual best duo, me and getting 100% in Oddworld: Abe's Exoddus.

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>missed the fippy because I was too busy clopping

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>>41176595
>somehow makes a worse post than tunafag
Embarrassing performance.

>>41176608
That's not possible, sorry.

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>>41176611
At least he posted ponies.

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>>41176622
I see, I see.

>>41176626
Tail-tugging sex with Shinzo Abe.

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>>41176630
But then he possesses you mid-sexing and sexes himself with your body.

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>thread starts
>faggotry ensues
It's almost comforting, but of all the things that could've stayed consistent about this place...

>>41176640
Do I still feel pleasure? If so, it's not so different from surrendering to your sexual urges.

What the fuck is happening to the board?

>>41176845
Nah, canonically people possessed by Abe always come out of the possession confused. They've no memory of events as soon as it starts, so they're always like 'bro wtf how did I get here' when he walks them to a new location.
https://youtu.be/yneDB8YjHes?si=99HS5y031cJQlP_i&t=30
If you have seven minutes of patience for a funny cutscene.

>>41176854
This seems like an untapped wellspring for porn.

>>41176848
Looks about the same to me. What prompted this reaction, Anon?

>>41176859
I think that's mostly a good thing, all of the designs in Oddworld were made to be ugly on purpose as a twisted reflection of our own world.

>>41176859
>possession
>untapped

>>41176861
I was checking because it's clearly moving unnaturally fast, with threads going from page 1 to 9-10 in less than one hour.
After looking, it seems to be one guy bumping every last thread with just one word or one sentence, no punctuation.

>writing my flashfic story
>don't have the room to point out that Twilight Sparkle is a unicorn
>exclude her

>>41176993
>squandering the ONE possible time you could drop a "lavender unicorn" without it being cringe
You really are the worst.

>>41177079
That's usually what I do, but I can only fit so much in 150 words.

Are we more or less autistic than the filly thread? >>41177106

>>41177259
Clearly, we must write foalcon in response.

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Still waiting from the previous thread for esl Spikefag's peak complex 200k word fic.
It's now the only reason I haven't killed myself yet (So please hurry).

>only one HiE fic in the featured box
Is the thousand word contest Fimfic's salvation?

>>41176255
Did the schizo club really only have one reader this week or was Sunburstfag just posting early?

>>41177590
I was busy. ; _ ;

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>"fuck quality, gotta put out more garbage"

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I've got new cover art again. It's pretty nice.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/545041/from-love-to-changelings

>>41177924
Won't getting dragged like that hurt the lil' 'lings?

>>41177941
No, they'll be fine. There's plenty of fluid and give for that. Besides, if one comes out bad, there's a hundred more in there.

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>>41176583
So my thing made it then, it seems? I can only hope two back-to-back Lunafics won't be too much for you. I would understand if you'd need some "palate cleanser", so to say, but if it's okay, I'm all the happier!

>>41177924
Pregnancy balls.

>>41177682
t. David Silver, Runic Treetops, Starscribe, etc

>>41178343
All better than (you)

>>41178354
Have you read a David Silver story? His prose is fucking awful. It's dry, stilted, and robotic, there's no flavor, no passion. Reading a David Silver story is like working a 9-5 office job.

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Vindicate – to prove that what someone said or did was right or true, after other people thought it was wrong.
>/FSBC/

I know I shouldn't start these with personal remarks and that I probably should just cut them out of the post, but I can't stop myself this week; I was right!
With that out of the way, last week we've stopped at the perfect/worst possible spot, right before Luna gets her shit together and becomes the protagonist that I knew, or at least hoped, she'd become. Did the first half go too hard with her powerlessness and everything? Maybe a little, but seeing where it leads kind of justifies it. Because while Chrysalis's change is a constant part of the fic, Luna changes rather more dramatically. That's another thing I like about this fic; both she and Chrysalis are impulsive, but in a way that actually does fit who they are. To add to this, even considering the onesided nature of the first 50%, the power levels in the fic are resolved unusually well. Chrysalis and Luna are not omnipotent gods carving out their paths through armies (maybe except for Luna's form in the finale), but they're still depicted as exceptionally powerful, and the fic plays it up great. Especially with makes-ponies-flee-with-her-stare Chrysalis. All the encounters between the guards and Chryssie happen in a satisfying way, whether she wins or loses. The guard, in spite of some remarks a couple anons made last week, is also good and handles the situation well given how much of a surprise this was (unlike the wedding, where they had all the time to plan and still failed). At first, I was unconvinced by the coldness of this Shining Armor, but it does make sense given his past with the 'lings. Also, another considerable success of the story is how he's shown when he's in his element. Though he's obviously weaker than Chrysalis, the authority and firmness that he exudes make him look larger-than-life, and he does feel like a threat to the big bug—a feeling he affirms several times. I think that all of the fights in the fic (verbal, magical, and physical) are planned out nicely. Chrysalis's desperate attempt at drawing a small army of guards away from her subjects while still progressing towards the castle is but one example of this.

This fic wasn't afraid to only subtly hint or imply some rather crucial plot elements without stopping to explain them, and that's admirable. This kind of trust in the competency of the reader is rare to see. The newest comment on the fic (at around 75% of word count) effectively says, "I got filtered". Dropping it because you got filtered is fair, but still, huge respect to the author for going through the story anyway, even knowing that many people will have a hard time getting it. Because it's not made tough to read for the sake of pretentiousness, but rather to highlight and play with the detail and subtlety of the characters. Thanks to this, their interactions are one of the best parts of the fic.
(1/2)

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>>41178565
(2/2)
Combined with the very nice prose—albeit one with an unforgivable amount of no-proofreading mistakes—reading this fic has just been refreshing. I rarely not read the fics in one sitting, but here the time from opening the chapter and finishing it vanished in a blink of an eye, leaving me staring at the pesky sunrise outside the window. And look, Chrysalis WAS constantly afraid of Luna. That was exactly what the author was going for with the way she felt the need to show her dominance, just as I said last week. And Luna wanted to make things better for changelings, too! The one thing I misinterpreted was the source of her repulsion—it was not the bugs, but her own unresolved problems. I definitely should've seen that coming. Speaking of, it's disappointing that none of us figured out who Wax is even after the discussion concerning his eyes, among other tells that we took for "quirky OC" traits instead of the hints they were. Then again, the biggest hint and the de facto reveal was the garden scene, which was just outside our reading range last week. At least the author took mercy upon the less perceptive readers and spelled it out in the finale in case someone somehow still didn't get it from their encounter with Shiny. He did not, however, state who the three loves she expunged were, and that's the main mystery that I'm personally unsure about. Nightmare Moon and Discord are the obvious ones, but the third? I don't feel confident enough to guess. Maybe going back to their descriptions in the early chapters would help.

I'm of two minds regarding Surry and Beetle. It was not their fic, and the story didn't try to pretend that their main purpose was showing certain things about Luna and the changelings (as >>41160865 correctly identified). Still, would it really hurt to have Surry talk things out with Luna in the fic? I understand why it's not there: there wasn't a good place to put that conversation, and it'd be retreading some old ground while simultaneously taking the reader's attention away from the important bits. There's a lot more than I'm skipping over or outright forgetting, writing this post in haste just before the club, but that's what the discussion is for. This is more of my extended initial opinion after sleeping on the fic and trying to make at least a couple points.
At the end of the day, this is a curious fic. It will filter anyone not paying attention to the subtext, and it asks you to get through some Luna suffering in the first half. At the same time, this kind of storytelling is very rare in ponyfics, and the prose would be excellent were it not for the careless mistakes and infinite comma splices. I think that makes it good and worth recommending to anyone who's looking for those things in pony stories. Or to bugfags, who would probably enjoy it even more.

Next week, we're reading:
fimfiction.net/story/549501/by-the-will-of-the-council
Up to chapter VIII: Equinox, then the rest on the following week.

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>>41178565
>"We'll all be ravished in our sleep!"
>strolls through the canterlot gardens memory wiping ponies who see her with barely a flick of her horn
>Shining gets the boys and tries to assassinate a foreign dignitary
>Lunas most powerful moment by far is her defending chrysalis, and not any of the times chrysalis drove her into a rage
Of course, why wouldn't her first moment of competence be against her own ponies
>"Despite the consequences, it was good to see ponies with some fight in them."
Yeah it is refreshing
>Luna defending this hard against being called a changeling after being alone with them for a week
>"You say this is about diplomacy? About peace? That is not what we saw in the gardens!"
Is shining armor retarded? She stopped them from beating up a foreign ruler, that's exactly what it was about in the gardens
>Luna was already corrupted and mindbroken by discord and forced to love him
I knew this story wanted that somewhere
>Luna is stronger than celestia
That's grim for this equestria
>Was actually a Celestia kino fic all along
>“The self consumed, self-pitying, unstable screw up of an alicorn? No. You’ve had far too much of that. She’s just a source of food,” the Queen of changelings growled.
>chrysalis meems through an entire company of guards
>kino chess game epilogue.
Honestly taking a break and reading other stuff right as we got to canterlot was perfect for me. This 2nd week's reading was actually good for the most part. It was still definitely a chrysalis story, but finally there were other characters who could be seen as peers instead of all of them just being pawns. Really the first part was just way too much something for me. I guess I hadn't grasped that it was entirely a chrysalis story yet since we followed Luna for a bunch in the beginning. 2nd half Luna was better, even if she was still only competent when not confronting chrysalis. All in all I don't regret reading it, but I certainly wouldn't read it again. There's just too much to shovel through in the beginning and the ending, while nice, isn't nice enough to justify it.

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>>41178565
>>41178568
tldr Chrysalis overcompensates like hell because even Luna's tiny ass outdoes her negative bug ass

>>41178570
> Is Shining Armor retarded? She stopped them from beating up a foreign ruler.
She started turning into NMM to do that. He's kind of right to be worried. The problem is that he's supposed to be an antagonist here, so his 'Inquisitor' shtick gets cranked to eleven just so the guy displaying a modicum of sense is still wrong because of his personal vendetta. The story dumps all over him and even 'punishes' him for his 'audacity', while Luna, who invited enemies of the state over without so much as a heads-up, and Celestia, who half-assed the security and left her unstable sister to handle everything alone, both get off scot-free.

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>>41178568
>Maybe going back to their descriptions in the early chapters would help.
It kind of does, but not how I'd like it, see picrel. Here's the introduction of the gemstones. They're shown a bit out of order,
Argh, it's so frustrating; this is definitely something that I should've noted down as we were going through the fic. Discord and NMM are all but spelled out right here once you know what to look for, but who is the deep blue? Luna herself? I think I'd need to go over the chapters; the deep blue one is the gem that Chrysalis later uses the most in the rest of the fic.

>>41178570
>>Luna defending this hard against being called a changeling
It's not explicitly stated, but Shining was sure that she wasn't a changeling; she still raised the Moon at night. This was an attempt to undermine her authority, because she didn't consider her fit to rule considering she brought the bugs to Canterlot. That's why she gets so mad at him. This is the kind of storytelling that this fic delights in doing.
>Is shining armor retarded?
He comes off really cold and almost ruthless here, but keep in mind that he was brainwashed and his wife locked in a dungeon while this very same bug RP'd as her. He had all the reasons to hold a grudge. He wasn't even wrong; Chrysalis did try to use the opportunity to covertly betray the ponies.
>That's grim for this equestria
B... but she's fixed now! This time for realsies!
>Really the first part was just way too much something for me.
I wonder if the impact of the second half could be preserved without pushing Luna down so much in the first. I didn't mind it as much, trusting that the story had somewhere to go with it (which it did), but there's no way to tell without reading that alternative story.
>even if she was still only competent when not confronting chrysalis
Even with Chrysalis. She jobs to her once, when Chryssie pulls out the gemstones, but she's no longer whimpering in fear.

>>41178588
You're actually not THAT far off regarding the character dynamics.

>>41178617
>The story dumps all over him and even 'punishes' him for his 'audacity'
Does it? He assaults a foreign dignitary, a head of state, without any orders or permission, and doesn't get punished for it in the slightest. Everyone gets more or less scot-free. Unless you mean his broken jaw, in which case, Chrysalis suffers far worse during the ending.
I don't think he's supposed to be an antagonist. He's certainly antagonistic towards Luna, but it's for good reasons, and until the end it's not even clear if he's at all wrong. Indeed, most of the fic justifies his actions more than it does Luna's.

>>41178565
>I was right!
about what specifically?
>last week we've stopped at the perfect/worst possible spot, right before Luna gets her shit together
This 2nd half honestly reads completely different. If we had somehow had to read this half first, I would've actually been interested in the other 50%. Characters are actually allowed to interact and influence Chryssi as peers in this part of the fic unlike the first 50%
>Chrysalis and Luna are not omnipotent gods carving out their paths through armies (maybe except for Luna's form in the finale)
Ironic considering Chrysalis literally does this and Luna doesn't.
>All the encounters between the guards and Chryssie happen in a satisfying way, whether she wins or loses
I'd argue this only applies to Shining specifically, but it is better than last week either way. It still takes the guard like half of this weeks reading to even cast a spell which just ends up being an easily tampered with shield that they don't even notice is completely useless
>I was unconvinced by the coldness of this Shining Armor
Same, surely Cady wouldn't have approved of what was pretty much an assassination attempt. Or of how he interacted with Luna. And then the one scene they're both in is when Shining helps save chryssi
>Shining's power level is good
While I wouldn't explicitly disagree, it messes with things. Shining is the only one who ever gets the best of chryssi, who is constantly fucking Luna, who is more powerful than even Celestia. So is Shining the most powerful of all? Obviously not and yet we can't really prove that.
>comment getting filtered
what the kek, this Razzy guy was going crazy
>>41178568
>Or to bugfags, who would probably enjoy it even more.
definitely a bugfag fic

>>41178617
>The problem is that he's supposed to be an antagonist here, so his 'Inquisitor' shtick gets cranked to eleven just so the guy displaying a modicum of sense is still wrong because of his personal vendetta.
Yeah this was my only problem with Shining, and let's face it, was the only reason he was able to get hits in. He is the objective bad guy. I do like the scene when Celestia talks him down though and finally decides to be kino
I was just highlighting how stupid that one line was. Chryssi was just walking through the gardens. It was quite literally about diplomacy and peace at that point. Then he tried to kill her and then Luna remembered she was the most powerful pony alive

>>41178650
>the deep blue one is the gem that Chrysalis later uses the most in the rest of the fic.
maybe it's just Luna's love for herself or her sorrow or something and coincidentally Chryssi chose the best one to start stomping on since it somehow could physically hurt Luna the most

>>41178674
>So is Shining the most powerful of all? Obviously not and yet we can't really prove that.
Well the show seems to imply that, regardless of Luna's power.

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>>41178650
>I wonder if the impact of the second half could be preserved without pushing Luna down so much in the first.
I think it definitely could've. Luna achieved nothing in the first half. At least have her begin to manipulate Surreal for her benefit or something. She can lose to Chryssi without being completely 100% incompetent. In fact, that's pretty much how the 2nd half is written. She just eeded to be shown doing something, ANYTHING right at all to make the first half not completely miserable. Instead she gives herself completely to the changelings and then cries when she realizes they put her in a pod for a bit. (That was practically her plan.)

>>41178680
At least Twilight exists in the show, to be the obvious most powerful pony alive without question

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>>41178685
>to be the obvious most powerful pony alive without question
As of ACW that absolutely still isn't the case.

>>41178650
Isn't one of the jewels linked to Celestia?
> “You know that I’ve always loved you very much, but it is time that you die. Time that I killed you.” The magically bolstered voice of Luna, surging through the castle, blasted through manes and curtains alike. It sounded sad more than anything. Sad and resolved.

She goes straight for Celestia after forgiving Discord. (Wasn't a fan of this part. Tying NMM so heavily to Discord feels cheap. Yeah, Luna gives a little "it's not his fault" speech, but come on. The part where she forgives him also feels fake and rushed.)

> Even with Chrysalis. She jobs to her once, when Chryssie pulls out the gemstones, but she's no longer whimpering in fear.
I don't know.
Luna remains Chrysalis's leather-clad submissive. They interact less, but when they do, it's the same old story:
> What followed could have been called many dramatic things, but it was essentially a staring contest. Luna looked away first.
Of course she fucking did.
> Even in defeat, Luna still complicated everything.
Kek.

> Does it? He assaults a foreign dignitary, a head of state, without any orders or permission, and doesn't get punished for it in the slightest.
True. I did feel that the story shat more on him than the rest but it could be 100% on me.

One thing I'm still not clear on in the fic is Chrysalis's motivation to come to Canterlot in the first place.
For peace? You could argue that was her original intent before realizing Luna makes a schizophrenic look stable, but even before that, she goes out of her way to piss on everyone's horseshoes and pull moronic stunts like hexing Wax.
Intentionally starting trouble or as part of some grand scheme once in Canterlot? She's got no master plan, and waltzing into the capital with her ragtag band is retarded.

>>41178695
>waltzing into the capital with her ragtag band is retarded.
Isn't everyone retarded though?

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>>41178695
>Isn't one of the jewels linked to Celestia?
I was considering this, doesn't Chryssi run to the final fight with the last jewel and then beam Celestia to help Luna? Idk I didn't really take notes there
>The part where she forgives him also feels fake and rushed.
agreed
>They interact less, but when they do, it's the same old story:
yup
>> Even in defeat, Luna still complicated everything.
Pretty much the whole story. Through no fault of her own, Luna fails her way to victory.
Chrysalis probably just thought that since it was so easy enslaving Luna she could just go grab Tia while she was at it

>>41178715
At this point I'm convinced Alondro is either a colossal sperg you couldn't spend 5 minutes in a room with or the funniest and chillest person in the world.
If he isn't actually a cabal of posters.

>>41178715
>pic
This but 100% sincerely.

>>41178698
I can handle a retarded Chrysalis - that's canon. But it clashes with the version we met in part one, who appeared more competent and calculating. Or maybe I was just expecting a bit more.

> Speaking of, it's disappointing that none of us figured out who Wax is even after the discussion concerning his eyes, among other tells that we took for "quirky OC" traits instead of the hints they were.

I'm also disappointed I didn't make the connection. I guess it added a bit of changeling lore, but it didn't change the fact that the characters themselves were bargain bin Thomson and Thompson.

Should I shill my fics for the bookclub or should I just not worry about it until someone else does so instead

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>>41178674
>about what specifically?
About the fic having A Reason for this characterization of Luna, and about the Chrysalis's action being influenced by her fear. After last week's discussion, I started to doubt both and I wouldn't have been surprised if it really was as all of you said and this Chrysalis really was that shallow. But mostly I was overreacting to the fic having a plan and sticking to it.
>Ironic considering Chrysalis literally does this and Luna doesn't.
This goes with half a dozen asterisks. Chrysalis only tries to do this, effectively fails, has to rely on Luna's power and still enters the castle as an exhausted cripple. She only gets Shiny by surprise, and is no state to fight anything. Luna at the end gives the impression of something really far outside their grasp.
>It still takes the guard like half of this weeks reading to even cast a spell
But that's presumably like a day or two. They're already doing better than in ACW even though they've had no time to prepare for Luna's guests. Also, that last fight between Chrysalis who's high on Luna's love and the guards doesn't feel one-sided even without Shining nearby. They're pretty equal.
>Obviously not and yet we can't really prove that.
Luna's first move in this fic made it so Chrysalis can beat her, so that's not a part of the power level discussion. Shining only faces Chrysalis with a bunch of guards, and only when he can take her by surprise. He almost holds his own in fight, but not quite, and he would've lost in a single combat. He just makes sure to not let things to that point.
>It was quite literally about diplomacy and peace at that point.
"Diplomacy" with a monster who was probably plotting to take down Canterlot from inside. He was not that far off.
>maybe it's just Luna's love for herself
That's what I'd say if I had to make a guess. They're also color-coded, and this would fit. Black=NMM, Gray=Discord, Deep Blue=Luna.

>>41178695
>Isn't one of the jewels linked to Celestia?
It would be the most obvious one, but those three gemstones represented loves she got rid of, and one of the first conversations between Luna and Chryssie after the pod thing is Chrysalis sensing Luna's love for Celestia. The description and color also don't match too well.
>Wasn't a fan of this part. Tying NMM so heavily to Discord feels cheap. Yeah, Luna gives a little "it's not his fault" speech
I agree. I see where he was going with and imo he handled it okay without making it entirely Discord's fault, but expanding on it or taking it in a different direction could've worked better.
>They interact less, but when they do, it's the same old story
Except the ending, right? Maybe you're right, though; this could be recency bias on my part. They just don't interact much (two times?) and the finale has them in an opposite situation.

>>41178746
Remember we had this discussion before starting at >>41001021. Reading thread authors systematically seemed to make people uncomfortable, but >>41001612 suggested occasionally reading a thread author. If you shill your work, maybe you'll get some votes.

>>41178769
I'll wait until I finish my last story and then shill them all as a single series to be read. That should go well with absolutely no issues whatsoever.

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wtf lmao Alondro is literally me fr fr at the exact chapter we stopped on he goes on a back and forth with the author about how superior the changelings are

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>>41178781
Alondro is /ourguy/, always has been.

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>>41178695
>Chrysalis's motivation
So, one of my main observations regarding her was that she's very simple in some regards. Maybe simple is a wrong word. Uncivilized? That's not it, either.
The point is, while she's clever and very dangerous, she's not the wisest character. She relies primarily on her predator's instincts and gut feelings. She's barely a Queen. In fact, she's pretty much the opposite of wise at the beginning of the fic, and that's one of the main things that change about her. She goes with Luna because she sensed her weakness and saw an opportunity. She didn't look ahead to determine what kind of opportunity it'd be, but her "plan" was something along the lines of pretending to go along with Luna's idea only to stab her in the back when Equestria's most vulnerable. She does further this idea in the early Canterlot chapters, sending out her bugs and trying to do reconnaissance. But mostly, she is a little retarded and overestimates herself and her changelings (or underestimates ponies), which she realizes before the end of the fic, when her plan shifts to getting the hell out of Canterlot.
>pull moronic stunts like hexing Wax
That was not stupid. She had no idea what she did to Luna, and wanted to know before it became relevant, to have something concrete to use against her. Wax was just a test subject because a normal pony (and she still believed him to be that) would show far less resistance to her spell.

>>41178715
>Through no fault of her own, Luna fails her way to victory.
You're exaggerating it by a lot. The second half has Luna actively participate in the plot.

>>41178735
>But it clashes with the version we met in part one, who appeared more competent and calculating
I don't think it does. Part one's Chrysalis *appeared* competent, but she really wasn't. This second part show just how much out of her depth she was, and honestly, she does finally start to make some good decisions near the end. Like the retreat order I mention a bit higher in this post.
>bargain bin Thomson and Thompson
Kek. Luna's bug guard is also there to add to Luna's situation with the changelings.

>>41178746
I'd say shill away, though the EaW Lunafic (if that's you) is already on the list of stuff I planned to put on the voting list next week. We could also wait a week or two before doing that, to avoid back-to-back thread fics, as >>41178769 pointed out.

>>41178795
The EaW Lunafic IS me, yes. I'm flattered that it's in consideration, really. I'm always happy to listen to any constructive criticism (though even a simple 'this sucks' is fine too!) about my works. I know plenty in the thread don't like EaW and I have some pretty severe issues with it as well, but admittedly it's also what got me to get back into writing pony fanfics.

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>>41178794
Holy shit what a hero
>Developmental Biologist for 20 years
I hope this is real

>>41178795
>You're exaggerating it by a lot. The second half has Luna actively participate in the plot.
>>But it clashes with the version we met in part one, who appeared more competent and calculating
>I don't think it does. Part one's Chrysalis *appeared* competent, but she really wasn't.
That's kinda why I said what I did about the 2nd half. Luna starts getting rare Luna W's and Chrysalis starts getting rare Chrysalis L's. The 2nd half is actually a good read because Luna doesnt fail at everything and Chryssi doesn't succeed at everything. Which is pretty much the case in the first 18 or so chapters

>>41178781
>he goes on a back and forth with the author about how superior the changelings are
>You're average changeling could probably take your average pony, because changelings don't differenciate like they do, and they have the inherent advantage of flight and magic, always.

>>41178795
I do agree with your observations of Chrysalis, so thanks.
> pull moronic stunts like hexing Wax.
It was more to say that it's moronic if her goal was peace. I agree that it isn't if her goal was to mess with them from the start.

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>>41178565
Finished the story last night and didn't prewrite a post, ugh.

The few notes I remember are that I really liked the dinner scene with Celestia and I forgot the other one. Fortunately, there's a lot here to react to. Maybe some of it is already in the later club posts, I dunno.

To start with, yeah. The problem with Luna losing all of her conflicts was already becoming significantly reduced in the tail end of last week's reading. I actually stopped at ch 13 then, not 16, and didn't see the train scene that everyone else was talking about, nor the one with the reporters. I'd say it actually stopped being a problem earlier, once the group left the hive and Luna just had room to be away from Chrysalis and read the journal.

That being said, Luna still loses every conflict she has with Chrysalis in the story. You had more fun with this fic than I did, and I do hold it against the author to have written a story in which Luna gets stomped by Chrysalis something like a dozen times. It helps that she's never defeated; she always gets right back up every time. It only helps, though, doesn't fix it.

Two of your observations are weirdly wrong, though. Chrysalis was not afraid of Luna for the first half of the fic, or at least her fear changed. Before, she was afraid of permanently harming Luna because of the reason stated in their initial conflict - the rest of Equestria would avenge her. There was a big change (hue) in Chrysalis' attitude right after she saw Luna lose control of the Nightmare in the garden. At that point, she starts thinking she made a mistake ("I've trusted her too much") and commands her changelings to research Luna's past, and then she decides she's in over her horn and bails.

The second one... it looks like you're saying Wax was the changeling? I felt nothing at the reveal because there was no way to have predicted Wane was the changeling. Wax always had his OC eyes, Wane got them from Wax.

You said the two main characters were impulsive, I was going to write in my post that they are chaotic. In the one case, Chrysalis is written well - she reacts to Luna's chaos appropriately, and I really admire how she was written to change and adapt her intent and plans throughout the story. Luna was poorly written, though. For many reasons, but in this context, the story does an abysmal job with her motivations. I think the black gem was her love for the night, and the blue gem was her love for Equestria, and it's not in character for her to want to have them removed. For several other scenes, she does something nuts and you can just barely scrape together an idea for why - why did she lie to Celestia? Why did she go to the orphanage? Why the fuck did she decide to become the Nightmare and attack Celestia? You don't have to answer, the story does give the barest shred of a hint for most of these, but it leans far harder towards "that's the plot" than "that makes sense for Luna."

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>>41178568
Overall, I didn't like the fic and wouldn't recommend it except to someone who just really wants to read about a strong Chrysalis. It seems reductive to say that the fic is just about fellating her gigantic horn, but at the very end, it kinda is that. The side character scenes never went anywhere, although I did have an emotional arc of not caring about Wax and Wane, then liking them, and then not caring about them again. There are so many, many scenes dedicated entirely to Chrysalis flexing her bug appendages and most of the rest falls before that.

>>41178570
>Wax and Wane in Twilight's bed
>Not a scandal
Yes, it is a scandal!

>"What kind of companion was that for a princess?"
>"She’d never really gave a damn for anypony else’s opinion on the thing."
Fuck off, the dog is stupid. At least give her a black cat if you're not going to bother thinking of a good pet for Luna.

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>>41178650
These are my notes for the gems after re-reading their introduction last week.
Black jewel: selfish freedom – for power, as NMM
Blue jewel: directionless, unrequited love – for Equestria or maybe her little ponies.
Gray jewel: anger, outrage, conflict, spite

There's some chance that the color gray lining up with Discord only applies to that specific one, but the black jewel constantly had descriptions reflecting stars and a changing night sky. So, later I revised my prediction that it was for the night itself and thus intrinsically linked to NMM, and she associated it with NMM's will to bring night eternal.

The gray jewel is the one first one Luna took back, using NMM's power. After that, it's not particularly clear what happens - Chrysalis throws the blue gem at NMM over the Force teleport link, or maybe she just throws it and it falls on the ground? She says the blue gem was the last gem she had, but there wasn't a scene before that in which NMM took the black gem. There is a scene after that in which Chrysalis probably throws the black jewel at Luna, despite saying before that the blue one was the last one. Another way to read it is that she made a new jewel of Celestia's love for Luna and threw that at her, but it's less likely.

>>41178795
>Wax was just a test subject because a normal pony
Wasn't Wax a regular pony? The way I read it, one of the "brothers" was a changeling, who happened to befriend and imitate the other one, who was a pony. Towards the end, when the changeling is revealed, he's the one holding the cursed pony brother.

I agree with a lot of your points that the development of Chrysalis's, and especially Luna's, characters is stronger in the second half of the story. The main thing, which some anons have already touched on, is that Luna becomes much more confident and decisive actor once she reaches Canterlot. I'm not a huge fan of the brothers, or the dog, but it seemed like their role in the story was primarily to temper Luna. Her outbursts in the first half of the story seem more reasonable when you consider that she underwent a mentally traumatic operation, and then spent several days isolated without any friends or family, surrounded by enemies. Contrast this to her actions in Canterlot, where even just the support and companionship of her guards is enough to ground her emotions and offer some reprieve. Even from the point of Wax's introduction, Luna starts to behave a little more responsibly. Overall, I was very glad to see her take more initiative in the events that played out. The scene which I think was the most powerful for her was when she was telling that story to the orphans. I think the process of accepting her past regrets and failures through introspection was shown much more elegantly than any dramatic, magical gem-crushing scene could achieve.

Something that also becomes a little clearer is Luna's motivation, although the author still seems to hover indecisively between Luna being motivated by a desire for peace with the changelings, and to overcome her love "curses". You might say that "oh she can do both, be motivated by multiple things with multiple goals, it's realistic" and all, but it ends up making a cluttered narrative where Luna's actions seem completely nonsensical until some plot device in the last 4 chapters bluntly explains it. Really, "Discord put a curse on Luna causing her to love him," was a massive asspull, In retrospect, like >>41178650 points out with the gemstones, you can see how the groundwork for later plot points is laid, but it's so obtuse that a first-time reader wouldn't reasonably pick up on something like that. It's the sort of thing that only the author would understand, because he's the one writing the story.

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>>41178981
Yes,
>The blackened brother blinked his green eyes. He seemed unsettled about seeing himself for what he really was, but snapped out of it quickly. “We have to try to save her,” Wane said quietly, staring at Chrysalis, perhaps seeing an unavoidable piece of himself reflected there. “We won’t abandon her, whatever she is.”
>Wane’s gaze fell to the floor. Even as a changeling, his eyes retained the edge of that shining, multi-coloured hue distinct to the pair
It is very funny, given Rariflag's following of the subtext, that the hints as to which brother is the changeling points at Wax, but the actual text says that Wane was the changeling.

The orphanage scene was very good for Luna, I could definitely see it being the best one for her in the whole story, although I liked the dinner scene with Celestia more.
Your last line jogged a memory from my reading: I think that while some of Luna's actions are primarily plot glue, some more of them were there because the author was imagining some inner reason for her to do a thing and just actually forgot to put it in the story. Some really weak ones I mentioned are in my first post. The worst one is that Luna's reason for having the blue gem pulled is just missing. Nowhere in the plot, exposition or subtext. It's almost as bad for the black gem, no matter what it actually is, almost.

>>41178969
>The side character scenes never went anywhere
I definitely agree with this for several of the characters, including Wane and the side bugs. Wane's reveal as a changeling really didn't add anything to the story. It /sort of/ reinforced the themes of the pony-changeling struggle to cooperate, but it was introduced so late in the story with no foreshadowing (no, Wane having green eyes is not foreshadowing, it's perfectly normal for a pony to have green eyes) that it failed to have an impact. Like I said previously >>41178981, the role of the brothers in the story was to play a supporting role for Luna and nothing else, which has them on the same level as the damn dog.

It was also disappointing to see the side 'lings drop out of the story almost entirely. The strongest part of the story was near the beginning, when Luna was still in the hive observing the changeling society. In those moments, the changelings had plenty of space for characterization and expression. Once the party reaches Canterlot, they're overshadowed by the looming figures of the Princesses, Shining Armour, and the other ponies.

Beetle had started to grow on me as a foil for Surreal. He still had a soft side which was shown when he was taking care of the changeling foal, but retained a strong enough demeanor to play the "straight man" of reason. He offered an interesting perspective as a changeling who wasn't as impulsive or emotional as Chrysalis or Surreal. It was a shame to see that his only real appearances in Canterlot were standing guard at the Hotel 'Ling.

Surreal's another character who had a lot of wasted potential. She gets addicted to Luna's love, what then? She shows up randomly in Luna's scenes and mopes around. There's no development from this point; she doesn't take any actions or begin to recover. The most she does is act as a sort of passive motivation for Chrysalis, who holds Surreal up as an example of policy failure, the result of what might happen to other changelings if they also fall to alicorn love. Neither Chrysalis nor the other changelings show much concern for Surreal herself. It was a waste of the second most dynamic changeling after Chrysalis herself, and one of the only 'lings who was willing to defy Chrysalis.

>>41178967
>really liked the dinner scene with Celestia
On the topic of Celestia, I also really liked how she... well maybe not threatened, but said that she won't choose Equestria over her sister while phrasing it in a very Celestia-like way.
>once the group left the hive and Luna just had room to be away from Chrysalis and read the journal.
Maybe, but that still leaves the scene where Luna lashes out and Chrysalis tugs at her metaphorical leash and makes her apologize, which is one of Luna's most humiliating defeats in the fic.
>There was a big change (hue) in Chrysalis' attitude right after she saw Luna lose control
I don't think it's as clear cut as you make it. Chrysalis is re-evaluating her opinion of Luna constantly, as can be seen by her becoming concerned by Luna's influence of Surry. The way in which she forbids the changeling from visiting Luna can be interpreted as just the care for the vulnerable bug, but I've also read in it some kind of wariness of Luna, which is where my point was coming from. The same happens early on with the podded Luna -- it unsettles Chrysalis and makes her think about things.
>it looks like you're saying Wax
Oh. I must have read the scene wrong, whoops. I was really sure it was Wax, it seemed to fit so well with the scene.
>it leans far harder towards "that's the plot" than "that makes sense for Luna."
Maybe I was a more forgiving of the story than you were, but I didn't feel like anything she did was that outlandish. The story does paint her as somewhat unstable, but not 'poorly written'.

>>41178969
>but at the very end, it kinda is that.
I mean, no. It's about Chrysalis (and Luna) changing. Most (all?) of Chrysalis flexing scenes build to that or provide additional context for who she is and how she acts. Since the changes are more subtle than not, it takes a lot of scenes to show them properly, at least that's the argument I could see making.

It sucks that I must go somewhere right now, when there's actual discussion happening, but oh well.

>>41179004
>I think that while some of Luna's actions are primarily plot glue, some more of them were there because the author was imagining some inner reason for her to do a thing and just actually forgot to put it in the story.
I did actually enjoy this story overall, but it feels very hastily written despite the quality of the prose. There were a lot of points that could have, and probably should have, been explained more, like the gems or that fucking journal that was introduced near the beginning but only became relevant at the literal epilogue. However, I can't help but feel like the already slow pacing would have suffered for it. The author is skilled at immersing the audience in the little details for sure, but he doesn't have a good grasp of the big picture. There are lots of points, like you said, that seem like they were meant to be foreshadowing, but ended up being obtuse and meandering.

The author also has this fascination with keeping hidden plot elements from the reader and saving them for a big reveal later. This is by no means a bad thing, but he lets too many unanswered questions build up until the end of the story, at which point they are unloaded on the audience in rapid succession.
For example, what do the gems represent? We know two of them represent love for NMM and Discord by the end of the story, but even that was only revealed in the last few chapters while we have this whole story where they're teased over our heads without any hint. Like >>41178695 says, why did Chrysalis even come to Canterlot in the first place? If she wanted to get rid of Luna, organizing a whole party (including foalings) was entirely unnecessary. By the end, it seems like she's pursuing peace in the same vein as Luna, but this directly contradicts what she claims earlier about seeking to start another conflict and exercising power.

Again, what the fuck was Discord's role in the story? The author blames him for NMM existing in the first place? Luna was IN LOVE with him? That was not even alluded to anywhere, but ended up being one of the biggest plot elements in Luna's arc, on par with NMM herself.

>>41176583
Any of you read "Prey and a Lamb"?

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>>41178967
Honestly I agree with pretty much all of this
>I really liked the dinner scene with Celestia
I'm surprised I didn't have a note of this but yes, moving to the middle of the table and actually being happy was kino
>Luna still loses every conflict she has with Chrysalis in the story
yup
>Two of your observations are weirdly wrong, though.
Completely agree with this. The only 'fear' in the first half is that Luna has some sort of aura that causes things to be weird in the hive, every time luna opens her mouth Chrysalis just smacks her
Then the garden just makes her think 'wait wtf? Where has that been this whole time' and then learning about the crystals is really eye opening for her and when she just decides to gtfo of canterlot with her hive
>it looks like you're saying Wax was the changeling? I felt nothing at the reveal because there was no way to have predicted Wane was the changeling. Wax always had his OC eyes, Wane got them from Wax.
I didn't wanna bring it up incase it was a twifag moment, but that scene barely made sense, at least from what we knew beforehand. Both brothers just started going hysterical in the garden and I could barely tell who was doing what between them. >One was a changeling< yeah we couldn't have known that rogue changelings even existed I dont think and it was pretty obvious something was gonna happen with his (whoever's) eyes going green at some point, I even said so last week
The one thing that kinda came out of this confusing scene for me was I thought it might go into Luna becoming a changeling (because I thought wax was becoming one [not already one]) since her nightmare moments had her partially covered in black flames, like the changelings do.
>the story does an abysmal job with her motivations
yeah I can mostly agree here. By the end we still don't explicitly know what the gems are and her going to get them removed is still just a wild idea she had one night I guess that almost ended all of Equestria. Guess she's just lolrandum like that
>>41178969
>except to someone who just really wants to read about a strong Chrysalis
Yeah, absolutely bugfag fantasy fic
>>Wax and Wane in Twilight's bed
I didn't even bother taking a note of the 2 male ocs casually sleeping in Luna's bed together
>Dog
I was disappointed(?) that nothing came of that except some blurb about Luna not giving a fuck. Lame. But really I didn't expect anything more so whatever. It didn't even help find out Wax is a bug or whatever

>>41178981
>Wasn't Wax a regular pony?
kek
>Luna becomes much more confident and decisive actor
Ye
>The scene which I think was the most powerful for her was when she was telling that story to the orphans
Yes, that was a pivotal story point, both in terms of character and actual story progression
>until some plot device in the last 4 chapters bluntly explains it
exactly, she really wasn't trying to achieve anything for the vast majority of the fic

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>>41179047

>>41179004
I did not like the brothers involvement in the fic, and moreso than just being OC brothers. The garden scene read like a mess, although as you say it would probably make far far more sense the 2nd time around knowing what we know
>The orphanage scene was very good for Luna, I could definitely see it being the best one for her in the whole story, although I liked the dinner scene with Celestia more.
Absolutely, but you also just brought up maybe 2 of her only good scenes in the fic.
>The worst one is that Luna's reason for having the blue gem pulled is just missing.
"And while you're in there, just see if you can clean some of this shit out too, thanks."

>>41179006
>but it was introduced so late in the story with no foreshadowing
Yeah I think this is a large part of why I didn't like them more than I should've not liked them
>which has them on the same level as the damn dog.
Lmao, every one who hangs out in Luna's chambers is a bitch in this story.
>It was also disappointing to see the side 'lings drop out of the story almost entirely.
Ironically they kept me reading but the story got better at the expense of them vanishing pretty much
>She gets addicted to Luna's love, what then?
What a let down
>It was a waste of the second most dynamic changeling after Chrysalis herself
Wait that's exactly it, they were the only real characters in the beginning so they kept me going, but then they vanished when Chrysalis and Luna became real characters so I didn't immediately drop the fic

>>41179009
>I also really liked how she... well maybe not threatened, but said that she won't choose Equestria over her sister while phrasing it in a very Celestia-like way.
That was probably the most kino scene in the fic
>I was really sure it was Wax, it seemed to fit so well with the scene.
Twifag moment. But no the scene sucked for the first time read

>>41179041
>or that fucking journal that was introduced near the beginning but only became relevant at the literal epilogue
lmao, I forgot that she barely even fucking read it in the first 95% of the fic
>The author also has this fascination with keeping hidden plot elements from the reader and saving them for a big reveal later
but also they just don't reveal some of them
>Discord's role in the story? The author blames him for NMM existing in the first place? Luna was IN LOVE with him?
yeah that was out of left field, but I kek'd when I was completely right about Luna just aimed at the wrong person (except maybe not because Chrysalis took this emotional gem maybe and so maybe held that same power)

>>41179090
??????

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>>41179047
How did Prey kill Snake? It's a been a while but I recall that he absorbed him or something, but they never explained how Prey did it

>>41179113
Fox...DIE!

>>41178971
The main reason why I don't quite agree with that interpretation of blue is that those are the loves she wanted to be rid of. Also >>41178650 -- you *could* assume the narrator is wrong here and that's entirely possible given that narration follows Chrysalis's thoughts, but "What pony could elicit such love and be so callous, so ignorant of it?" strongly implies it's directed at a specific pony. Same with the other two.
I'm pretty sure gray is specifically for Discord. Especially with the "It amazed her that the love hadn't been burned away by the deep seated spite bound to it," quote, which lines up just too perfectly with what we're told about Discord's spell and Luna's eventual forgiveness for it.
Another point in favor of black being love for NMM (rather than as NMM) is that the Nightmare is somewhat more active than just a mask of Luna. Moreover, the "few spots of milky white" submerged in black matches 1:1 the two times we see her struggling with the NMM's control -- the dream and the final scene with Celestia and Chrysalis. It just works too well to suggest anything more abstract.

>>41178981
>Her outbursts in the first half of the story seem more reasonable when (...)
That's a good way of putting it, though I also believe that her situation in the hive was one of the factors which led her to decide to be more active. Oh and yes, the scene with the orphans was also really good, muddled only slightly by the introduction of the Discord's involvement (thankfully Luna dismissed the potential "not her fault" argument before it got a chance). But yes, I also like this half of the story a lot more, and pretty much all the memorable scenes come from it. The only standout Luna scene in part one is the pod scene with the bugs gathering around her.
>between Luna being motivated by a desire for peace with the changelings, and to overcome her love "curses"
That's a fair criticism of the story, yeah. Obviously from my posts it's apparent that I thought it was more of the former for most of the fic until the last quarter. Before that, the topic of her removed loves never comes up in a negative way for her. She sees that things are different a couple times as soon as in the hive, but it's never shown as anything bad, and even after she seems to notice the issues (with the garden fight and the brief/partial NMM transformation) doesn't seem to prioritize reclaiming and making peace with them until she gets beat up after the visit to the orphanage.
>Wasn't Wax a regular pony?
Yes, he was. I misread that scene and kind of got it wrong. Please ignore that part.

>>41179004
>I could definitely see it being the best one for her in the whole story
That's another thing: there are quite a few very good scenes in this fic. And I don't mean any of the great descriptions (which unfortunately have been scaled back week 2). The dinner scene, the orphanage, more than one Shiny's scene, Chrysalis's army chase, Celestia stating she'll pick Luna over anything.

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>>41179009
>I don't think it's as clear cut as you make it
I think it is, but to be more clear, this is what I'm saying happened:
After Luna showed up at the hive, Chrysalis exploited her vulnerability to the point where she thought she was in control. After Chrysalis had the gems and her telepathic link to Luna, she no longer considered Luna to be a threat (as herself). I think that from Chrysalis's perspective, Luna's effects on the changelings around her was Chrysalis' mistake in terms of simply not realizing that she should've used her levers to prevent Luna from doing it. She intended to keep Luna under her hoof using her levers forever were it not for the threat of rescue by Celestia.
Chrysalis was not afraid of *Luna* as a single pony until she found out Luna had lost control over the Nightmare.
>>41179303
>The main reason why I don't quite agree with that interpretation of blue is that those are the loves she wanted to be rid of
Yes, but the other interpretation in the discussion is that the blue gem is Luna's love for herself, which can't be unrequited. I'm completely sure that if the author ever outright stated what the blue gem is, it would break down as either "Luna wouldn't want to have that love removed" or "here's the many places where the story directly contradicts what you say the blue gem is."

>there are quite a few very good scenes in this fic
There are, yeah, but they're just individual scenes. The two things that I dislike most about this fic, and which prevent me from enjoying it are related to the poor writing of Luna. Firstly, she has to lose every fight with Chrysalis. Secondly, very little of what she does makes sense. The other characters react to Luna's nonsensical, impulsive, chaotic actions appropriately. Especially Chrysalis's changing plans and adaptations. But why does Luna do the things she does in the story? She is the driving force for everything that happens, and the decisions she makes have almost exclusively weak or no justification at all.

As another example, could you even say why she lost control of the Nightmare? Just a couple chapters ago, she was doing fine! As far as I could guess, the only reason is that she unbalanced herself because the loves were taken from her. Except she had the loves taken from her to balance herself and be rid of the Nightmare. And it worked for most of the fic, but then it didn't.

>>41179041
>I did actually enjoy this story overall, but it feels very hastily written despite the quality of the prose.
It might seem like I'm way higher on the fic than I actually am (I think it's unique enough to get a bunch of bonus points), but this is something I agree with. The author simultaneously seems to have had an Idea or a Plan, and have never properly gone over it. Things are set up far in advance, and some parts of the story are subtly built up since the very beginning, but other details are brushed under the carpet without much recognition. And again, you could argue that they're no longer relevant to the Vision the author had -- even the journal that you mention plays an important role in getting Luna to better understand the bugs before it gets forgotten -- but if you stray from that Vision then odd edges start to show up. Some events would benefit from getting more exposition thrown at them, including a few of the issues >>41178967 had with Luna's behavior.
>The author also has this fascination with keeping hidden plot elements from the reader and saving them for a big reveal later.
Or for no reveal at all. I actually like this kind of writing. By no means would I want to see it in every story, but when it's done well, weaving a web of mysteries and only hinting or implying the answers to some of them can be very satisfying. This isn't common in stories, and I liked that the author tried it. The underexplained gems, for example. I believe the idea was that you keep them at a back of your mind while reading, and then, when you spot enough hints, it all clicks and reveals another part of the mystery. While he's not entirely successful, I appreciate the effort.
>That was not even alluded to anywhere,
It is, pretty heavily, in her conversation with Celestia. They talk about what he's done, and Celestia blames herself for the fact that the burden of what he did eventually fell onto Luna's shoulders rather than hers. This is the kind of thing that's supposed to make you wonder what did he do. Perhaps you'll connect it with the gray excised love immediately (I didn't), and perhaps you'll have to wait, maybe even until Luna says it a few chapters later, but the fact that Luna was in love with Discord is not a surprise by the time it becomes relevant. That's how the fic wanted to be written and read, I think -- full of those little mysteries that require some thought to figure out if you don't want to be spoonfed by the reveals in the finale.

>>41179006
>Wane's reveal as a changeling really didn't add anything to the story.
Hey, it'd be much better if this was Wax, wouldn't it? Can we pretend it was Wax?
>The strongest part of the story was near the beginning
For the changelings, yes, but I liked the various Canterlot scenes as much or more than the hive part of the fic. And I started to like Beetle, too, before he was backgrounded.

>>41178363
A lot of the Fimficfamous authors have this dry as fuck prose. Yeah, I get it, not everyone's gonna be Austraeoh levels of purple prose, but, come the fuck on. Everyone's too cowardly to take any risks with their writing, lest they see the red bar on their upload inch further to the left.

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>>41179006
>Surreal's another character who had a lot of wasted potential.
Yes and no. It's unfortunate how the fic drops her from the story, but I disagree that Chrysalis doesn't care. She mentions her in every other monologue, and keeps wondering if/how she might still be saved if they leave Canterlot. Later she very decisively assigns her to Beetle to make sure she'll leave the city safely. She's the one changeling that Chrysalis spends the most time worrying about, and probably ends up influencing her decisions, too. Where the potential was wasted was her relationship with Luna. It starts with Luna dismissing her, then she almost warms up to her, even tries to defend her once or twice... and it goes nowhere from there. She could've played an important role. That was the part that I didn't like about ignoring her near the finale.

>>41179057
>By the end we still don't explicitly know what the gems are
Not really. I mean, this subplot is very close to being very good. If only the third gem was explained like the gray and black one, I'd spend a bunch of sentences praising the execution. The fact that the fic stumbles and doesn't finish what it started is what stops me, but it's like 80% of the way to being a good story.

>>41179094
>maybe 2 of her only good scenes in the fic.
The garden scene with stopping Shining Armor is also very good. It shows her taking initiative, and her depiction of slipping into NMM is good. The pod scene in part is also great. The throne room scene, too. There are more like this. Just because she spent a lot of week 1 losing to Chrysalis doesn't mean she gets no good scenes now.
>Twifag moment.
I'm glad to get official recognition, thanks.
>but also they just don't reveal some of them
And that's good! ...when it works, which isn't always.

>>41179348
>I'm completely sure that if the author ever outright stated what the blue gem is (...)
We don't know that. We can't know that. Which is, admittedly, a point against the fic, but I don't believe the author wrote it without having an idea for what it is. The other two fitting so well with later reveals makes it very unlikely that he only got those two prepared and never bothered to come up with a match for the third.
>But why does Luna do the things she does in the story?
I think you're being too hard on her. Most of her decisions have justifications. These are usually fairly weak arguments, but that's the best she could see at any given point in time. There are very few moments when she makes a poor decision despite having better alternatives. Also what >>41178981 said; you can't fairly judge most of her actions after what she went through. Another point is that:
>And it worked for most of the fic
I don't believe it did. The forest fight was heading in the 'losing control' direction before Chrysalis stopped her. The fic implies that the procedure she underwent at the start of the fic was not a good idea, and that it's the reason for her losing grasp on the Nightmare.

>>41179392
It's not risk aversion; it's a skill issue. Prose doesn't have to be purple to be engaging.

>>41179392
I like to think my prose isn't bad and just mediocre but I certainly don't have the ego to look at it and go 'yes I want people to pay me to keep writing like this'.

>>41179398
Yeah, true. I was giving people too much credit. I've seen top rated fics with Thomas the Tank Engine narrator-style writing.

"Blah blah blah" said Twilight Sparkle.
"Blah" said Spike the Dragon.
"Blah blah" said Twilight Sparkle.

There's so many other ways of structuring your writing. I genuinely feel like a lot of these people have never read a book.

>>41179392
That's the curse of modern writing. Through a tragic shift in taught and misplaced ideals, adjectives have been declared the enemy of the writer, and amateurs are taught to write dry prose. Finding your style and making it engaging has unfortunately been moved into the "very advanced" group of writing skills. Celestia forbid if you want to get creative with the writing!
To expand on this point (I swear I won't go into this rant again), this is "advice" that can be found in the OP of this very thread:
>If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.
>Never use the passive where you can use the active.
And that garbage comes from an essay believed to be a reputable source of advice.

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>>41179392
Any tips for livening up your prose when it's drier than Thatcher's dessicated minge?

>>41179348
>the only reason is that she unbalanced herself because the loves were taken from her. Except she had the loves taken from her to balance herself and be rid of the Nightmare. And it worked for most of the fic, but then it didn't.
This is what confused me, why did she end up 'losing control' to the nightmare, but not just fucking killing chrysalis in ch3 for the same reasons?

>>41179397
>Not really. I mean, this subplot is very close to being very good. If only the third gem was explained like the gray and black one
>And that's good! ...when it works, which isn't always.
I agree with this, but I wish we had some or perhaps better hints as to the 3rd gem
and I did also like her pod scene

>>41179427
Post an example of your prose.

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>>41179440
Sonar quirked an eyebrow. "I don't get why you daywalkers are so afraid of the night."

"Try not being able to see five paces in front of you."

"You mean like when Her Majesty's star is busy burning my eyes?"

"You can wear sunglasses."

"And you can use a lamp."

"Can I, now?" I asked flatly, whipping my head back to grab my flashlight and shine it directly into his face. As he shrieked and threw a leathery wing up, I put the light away so I could chuckle without worry of it slipping from my teeth.

He groaned, rubbing his peepers with a fetlock. "You sure it's a good idea to antagonize your only source of social interaction in months?"

"I could ask you the same thing."

>>41179423
>If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.
This advice is a corruption of Strunk's "omit needless words." If you read Strunk, he continues by saying, "This requires not that the writer make all sentences short, or avoid all details and treat subjects only in outline, but that every word tell." Which is quite different advice!
>Never use the passive where you can use the active.
But in this case, Strunk was full of shit.
>>41179427
Use words with purpose; don't waste the reader's time. You can still use adjectives and elaborate descriptions, and you can still write long scenes and slow chapters, but every word should somehow serve your story.
>drier than Thatcher's dessicated minge
My guess is that you feel this way about >>41179446 because it's almost all dialogue. In real life, nobody talks in purple sentences, so realistic dialogue will always sound somewhat like this. (Highly stylized, unrealistic dialogue might sound different, though.) Do you have an example of a non-dialogue heavy passage? Or is your problem that you mostly find yourself writing dialogue (like a screenplay)?
>>41179446
What's the purpose of this interaction? What does the reader learn from it? Here are my responses to the passage, but you should think about how you'd respond before reading them: (1) Sonar can't see in the light and the narrator can't see in the dark; (2) Sonar can disabled by shining a bright light in his face (this feels like a setup; later, someone's going to do this to him at an inopportune moment); (3) Sonar and the narrator don't hate each other but do sometimes antagonize each other. Is that what you wanted to convey? There are other ways of conveying (1) and (3), but if (2) is important, then I think this is fine.
>his peepers
Unless your narrator is supposed to be rustic, I think this sounds out of place.

>>41179446
>"Can I, now?" I asked flatly, whipping my head back to grab my flashlight and shine it directly into his face. As he shrieked and threw a leathery wing up, I put the light away so I could chuckle without worry of it slipping from my teeth.
You have two sentences here that have a lot of secondary action leading up to the main thrust of the sentence, which can get monotonous, and makes things feel less immediate. I'd break it up and put more emphasis on individual actions that are happening in the moment.
>I asked flatly
>whipping my head back
>grab my flashlight
>shine it directly into his face
That's four actions in one sentence.
>As he shrieked
>threw a leathery wing up
>I put the light away
>so I could chuckle
>slipping from my teeth
That's another four actions plus an implied possible action with 'slipping from my teeth'. There's a lot going on. It's good to flesh out the writing by adding those extra little things in, especially with non-human characters that do simple actions differently, but cramming a lot in one sentence makes it feel bloated, particularly when it takes a few steps to get to the point of the sentence. Using present tense instead of past tense would also help quite a bit.
>"Can I, now?" I ask flatly. Quickly whipping my head back, I grab my flashlight, shining it directly into his face. He shrieks and throws a leathery wing up. I start to chuckle, then hurriedly put the light away so it wouldn't slip from my teeth.
With that you have four sentences for four distinct beats: talking, shining the light, reacting to the light, laughing at the reaction. Each of those beats has something happening and is worth dwelling on for a second. I think of it like camera cuts. Each one should signify something new or important. If this was a movie, I'd probably want to shoot the dialogue, then cut to the flashlight attack, then cut to the reaction, then cut back to the laughter.

>>41179495
>This advice is a corruption of Strunk's
I was word-for-word quoting from Orwell's lamentable "Politics and the English Language", which lives in the OP and in the minds of generations of writers. Strunk's Elements of Style conveys very similar ideas as Orwell's essay, but it's a much more sizeable, and less digestible, piece of writing. I have only read some excerpts from it, but what I did read looked very questionable with its insistence on the plainness of style. Like the famous:
>Write with nouns and verbs, not with adjectives and adverbs.
Which he soon clarifies as:
>The adjective hasn't been built that can pull a weak or inaccurate noun out of a tight place.
That has more merit, assuming you interpret it correctly, but the idea that adjectives and adverbs should not be used as readily is precisely what led to the ever-present modern dry prose.

>>41179495
The scene's mostly just an excuse for some light fantasy racism, as well as setting up our bat boy's delicate eyes.
>>his peepers
It's a dick joke.
Most of my drafts are overladen with dialogue. When I do narrate, it turns out just as utilitarian:

Shivering on her back, Pinkie awoke to a gurgle. Strange, she didn't remember getting in the bath.

She tried stretching out her hooves, but they bounced off something hard. Opening her eyes, she saw a translucent dome above. Liquid dripped from it to join the shrinking tangerine rivulets flowing around her.

Startled, she looked down at herself and was relieved to see her anatomy wasn't replaced with an avian's, but the question of the egg remained.

A rush of warm air passed through the vessel, blowing the droplets away and putting an end to her shaking. When it subsided, the cover lifted, allowing her to sit up and take in her surroundings.

Harsh lighting cast a dour atmosphere over the white-walled room. Definitely not her bathroom, it was completely empty, save for a rectangular white pillar standing beside her.

One of its sides had a black panel covered with flickering symbols of different colors. Pinkie couldn't make sense of them, but something told her the great quantity of blinking red lines was a bad sign.
>>41179516
Timing's tricky to assess on your own. What sounds "right" in my head is very often stilted when read by anypony else.

>>41179524
>I was word-for-word quoting
Yes, I had forgotten that. But I think Orwell's essay has done far less damage than Strunk. Immediately before his precepts, Orwell hedges by saying, "I think the following rules will cover most cases," and immediately following them, he refers back to the five passages which he quoted at the beginning, making clear that he is trying to steer writers away from their excesses. Strunk, on the other hand, laid down absolute and uncompromising prohibitions. He then violated those prohibitions himself, sometimes even while describing them, because he was a much worse writer than Orwell. Even though "omit needless words" can be helpful to some writers at some times, overall I believe Strunk did enormous harm to generations of writers.

>>41179516
>Using present tense instead of past tense would also help quite a bit.
Telling a struggling writer to use present tense is like throwing a drowning man a boat anchor.
>>41179541
This style would be acceptable in some kinds of realist fiction; you have a very detached third-person narrator who gives no information about characters' inner thoughts and feelings. I could make some recommendations about this excerpt specifically. However, I think your real problem is not that you write in this style but that you can't write in any other style.

May I suggest an exercise? Pick a great writer who writes in a different style from you, and try to imitate them. If you can imitate their style, then you're on your way to using it yourself when it suits your story.

>>41179590
>inb4 he picks david silver

>>41179685
>inb4 he picks RunicTreetops

>>41179696
>inb4 he picks Lord Dunsany

>>41179700
>inb4 he picks Timothy Dexter

>>41179719
>inb4 he picks Paul Asaran

>>41179722
>inb4 he picks Edward Bulwer-Lytton

>>41176583
>If (You) want to participate, read up to and (and also) "Chapter VII: Equinox" by the 30th.
That's actually Chapter VIII

>>41179733
>inb4 he picks (You)

>>41179770
Uh, no? It's VII—2 less than 10. If you're gonna be a pedant, at least be correct.

>>41179770
Either would be fine; they're at 48% and 53%, respectively. >>41178568 uses the right number.

>read the plot summary for background pony
how the FUCK did this shit take off?

>>41180031
>>read the plot summary
That's quite possibly among the worst ways to judge a story.

>>41180034
better than wasting what precious time I have left reading someone's teen whinge.

>>41179856
VII is two more than five, anon

>>41180031
By being the most sincere, thoughtful, earnest, heart-wrenching and overall the best ponyfic ever written

>>41180176
That's not Fallout: Equestria.

>>41180176
>thoughtful
not with that ending.

>>41180176
That's not Past Sins

>>41180185
I've already died on that hill in one of similar discussions ITT and i'm too lazy to repeat all of it again, but the ending is perfect. She is an unsung hero. A person who deserved a happy ending more than anyone else but could never get it if the story were to stay true to itself. Read this blog by skirts if you want to learn about his motivations for writing this ending they way he did and why it is what the story needed.
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/793040/2012-the-lemuracolypse-part-eleven-wish-i-could-write-a-song

>>41180212
A good tragedy is when the flaws of the character is what brings them down, where you can see the hows and why of it. A bad tragedy is when the character is brought down just because the storyteller wants them to be brought down regardless.

>>41179104
NMMfag blogged his reactions to the story as he read it. That was his reaction to the ending.

>>41179427
Anthropomorphize the narrator. That is, give the narrator a personality. Don't just make him coldly and factually recite what's going on. Give him emotion and feeling. He can be sad when something sad happened, exciting when the action starts, or just as shocked as the reader is when the big twist happens. You can even make him evil and antagonistic toward the reader. Make it feel like the narrator is just as much a character as everyone else in the story. But he doesn't have to be in the story, just the one telling it.

>>41179446
>I asked
Why aren't we getting more introspective narration if it's first person? The reader's essentially in the guy's head, so most dialogue/action descriptions should have some running commentary from the protagonist going on about his thoughts/feelings/reactions/etc as it happens. It's also a good way of doing infodumps, as some things might make his mind wander a bit into relevant subjects of interest for the story.

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I always fear messing up the descriptions, and the thread is almost at page 10 anyway. Are those good for a cosmic horror (i.e. Lovecraftian) oneshot?
Short:
>As ages come and go, so too do mysteries get solved and forgotten. All except for one, persistently refusing to be explained since the dawn of ponykind. Twilight believes she'll be the one to understand it. Unfortunately for her, she is right.
Long:
>Twilight Sparkle—a magical prodigy and one of the brightest minds Equestria has seen in many generations. Having proven herself time and time again, the young mare receives an offer to research one of the longest-standing magical mysteries of the world. It's a huge responsibility, but Twilight is confident that she'll be able to understand the strange anomaly that had everypony before her shamefully concede and return with empty hooves.
>How she'd wish to have been wrong.

>>41180947
>ponykind
Ponydom.

>>41180947
I like them (and imo ponykind sounds better than ponydom), but unless the topic of the mystery is clear from the cover art, I'd consider including a vague allusion towards it. "strange anomaly" would be a good place to expand a tiny bit, for instance "strange cosmic anomaly" or whatever.

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>>41180961
>>41180997
What about ponysub?

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>>41181008
I would like to subscribe to ponies.

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>>41181018
>remember, lads, subscribe to Pinkie Pie.

>>41180947
No, neither is good.
>As ages come and go, so too do mysteries get solved and forgotten. All except for
This says nothing about your story. Cut it and start with
>One mystery has persistently refused to be explained since the dawn of ponydom.
Your other description is no better.
>Twilight Sparkle—a magical prodigy and one of the brightest minds Equestria has seen in many generations. Having proven herself time and time again,
Also says nothing about your story! Cut it.
>the young mare
lavender unicorn

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>>41180961
Yeah, I think that sounds better. It's also the word they use in the show iirc.

>>41180997
Good point. The topic should be more than very clear from the cover and the title (it's literally just "The Hole"), but it won't hurt to add "—a gaping abyss defying all magic." after the 'mysteries of the world'. And it sounds appropriately on-topic.

>>41181046
Thanks, that reads a lot more focused.
>lavender unicorn
That was on purpose. I meant to imply that the fic is not set very late in the show, and the reader can expect Twilight to more curious than princessy.
>says nothing about your story
It sets the tone! Although, yes, you're right; it's probably not the place for that. Maybe a part of it can be preserved in the long description, starting with the "Having proven..." part. Perhaps it's not the best approach, but I like the long descriptions a bit more wordy.

>>41180961
What's wrong with "ponykind"? I always use that word when I want to mention them as a civilization.

>>41181112
It's not canon, and it's not an improvement on canon either.

>>41181112
Too secular and anti-Celestian.
Celestia refers to the whole of ponies as ponydom.

>>41181116
>implying equestria is blighted with religion
You're a special one, ain'tcha?

I use ponity.

>>41181119
I shouldn't be surprised there's faggots like you in this thread of all places.

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>>41181119

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>>41181115
Wrong, it rhymes with harmony.

>>41181130
Like he said, not canon.

>>41181123
Better a homosexual than a Homo religious.
>>41181125
That could be anything. A book of memoirs, prepared statements for the living, or simply a way of making sure the old codger remembers who died.

>>41181119
>>41181139
>the ponies who are ruled by a walking immortal demigod who controls the sun definitely are not in any way religious whatsoever

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Pretending to be retarded is still being retarded.

>>41176583
I had a nightmare that one of our worst flaggots returned. Have I woken up yet?

>>41181147
Anon, the tunafag never leaves, so he can never "return".

Regardless of religion or anything, ponydom sounds cooler and more fantastical and is the most canon one.

I want Princess Luna to dom me

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>>41181143
Demigoddesses, heathen.
And not in any undesirable way, when it's a religion without faith. No belief is required when the ponies can feed their princesses cake and donuts.

>>41181191
>No belief is required when the ponies can feed their princesses cake and donuts.
Even humans had religions that were basically just leader worship. There are comparable religions and general practice.
Humans throughout history have worshiped normal humans under this lens; we didn't even have super powered immortal ones.

Equestria's religion may be based on more intractable factors but not all its populace would be able to behold it directly; and henceforth faith is born.
Religious wars are generally just an extension of tribalism, something also seen in MLP.

>>41181222
this gives me an idea for a story where the human protagonist shows up innaquestria and proves...PROVES! that celestia is running a millenium-long con.

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>>41181222
>human
Most of those faith-centered, either with elements of divine appointment or simply declaring that the king is also a god themselves, with no opportunity for anyone to verify it, because it is, of course, impossible.

Regardless, all of that is irrelevant. The princesses aren't worshiped like pharaohs in the show; it furthermore doesn't matter if each individual pony doesn't bake Celestia a cupcake and give it to her in pony, the fact is that they can. The whole populace does not need faith to directly observe evidence of the sisters' deific nature every day at twilight. The sisters also go out to their ponies and show them that with the Summer Sun Celebration.

Also, I'll remind you that the tribalism you mentioned explicitly predates the princesses in canon and was effectively eliminated at some point directly related to their taking over.

>>41181258
>The princesses aren't worshiped like pharaohs in the show
Except there is multiple cases of random ponies treating them as higher beings in the actual show.
Because in a sense they literally are; especially considering FiM generally went with them being ascended by virtue. Which is absolutely grounds for worship based on real world logic.
>does not need faith
The ponies in MLP aren't purely logical, which is the precedent you'd need to back up your idea.
History itself will breed faith, higher ideals that aren't reachable by normal ponies are also present. The world in FiM does not paint a world where there's no faith, only knowing.
>Also, I'll remind you that the tribalism you mentioned explicitly predates the princesses in canon
It was mostly brought up as a precedent in terms of the idea that ponies don't have the capability.

>>41181139
>That could be anything. A book of memoirs, prepared statements for the living, or simply a way of making sure the old codger remembers who died.
Do take note of the thing around his neck
catholicism is canon

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>>41181294
>The ponies in MLP aren't purely logical, which is the precedent you'd need to back up your idea.
No, you're saying some ponies might choose to believe without evidence in the sisters' divinity, which makes them religious. I'm saying it doesn't matter because any pony can go and see for themselves that the sisters are divine. They don't have to believe, they can know, and as long as basically all of them know they can know, that makes the difference. It makes what they have no longer meaningfully look like a religion, due to the absence of faith.

Also, I don't really think that bowing to the big princesses or treating Twilight and Cadance like celebrities is treating them like higher beings. If Celestia is doing a procession, the ponies bow, but if she's just walking around, they don't. Ponies generally seem to feel comfortable conversing with any of the princesses as long as they aren't personally obsessed.

>>41181332
>catholicism
That collar is not catholic.

>>41181155
I checked the scripts, and you're totally right, ponydom is spoken in the pilot, while "ponykind" is mentioned in the non-canon seasons.
And yet, I feel ponykind sounds more natural, and just somehow comes to my mind when I want to describe them as a collective

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>>41181387
It's more natural because the -dom suffix has connotations referring to the physical boundaries of Equestria, while the -kind suffix has connotations of referring to the ponies themselves.

>>41181387
>the pilot
Excuse you, Friendship is Magic parts 1 and 2 are not a pilot in the traditional sense and don't really qualify as one. They're just the first episodes.

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Some 1k submissions:
>https://www.fimfiction.net/story/560164/artificial-sunlight
Really liked this one. Very simple plot, but it manages to evoke a lot of somber emotions with very few words.
A taste of personal grimness and hope with a backdrop of species wide grimness and hope.
>https://www.fimfiction.net/story/560056/one-little-change
Meh. It's not written badly or anything, but it really doesn't do anything interesting. Glimmy decides how to take her revenge, tying her first appearance into the 'Cutie Re-mark', but it's played so straight that I ended up feeling nothing.
>https://www.fimfiction.net/story/560081/red-sun-descending
This fic makes me feel weird, because it's really similar in topic to my own fic, 'Morningstar'. I feel the author used his wordcount far better than I did, as his descriptions end up being more vivid and eloquent than mine, but I really dislike his interpretation of Celestia.
I admit this is a wholly subjective thing, but I'm really not fond of the idea of Cellie actually longing to be a bloodthirsty murderer rather than being haunted by the necessary violence to save her ponies. I think it really contradicts with her personality.
The author also had to include a reference to yaks for some reason.
>https://www.fimfiction.net/story/559788/cogito-ergo-sum
It's an alright horror oneshot. The concept is great (it's inspired by one of the SCPs I actually like), but the wordcount is to its detriment sadly. Twilight's non-existence and the body(less)-horror it implies doesn't have time to sink in. I wish I had more to say about it, but it really could have used more words.
>https://www.fimfiction.net/story/560172/november-rain
Dash ends up being a sucker in an abusive relationship. I liked it, as much as one can like something like that. As the author admits the plot came from real-life experiences and because of that one can find plenty of very real emotions in the story, especially the moment when Fleetfoot switches into being extremely manipulative.
>https://www.fimfiction.net/story/559747/ten-minutes-or-more
The plot itself wasn't too much to my liking (I don't like to read humanxpony), but I still have to applaud the natural dynamics of the duo, especially with the gimmick of the fic being wild and long timeskips. It's cute.
>https://www.fimfiction.net/story/559537/shallow-earth
This one, however, I absolutely loved. The less I say about it the better, but both the tone and the execution are lovely and I'll be very disappointed if it doesn't rank in the end.

>>41181445
Speaking of your own fics, where are they?

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>>41181521
I haven't had any inspiration or real time to write recently. My state exam (the last step before they take pity on you and give you your degree) is in less than a week. I haven't slept more than six or so hours for the past month and that (combined with cramming of over fifty topics and going on an interview spree so I can finally take care of myself) did a real number on my creativity.
I'd still like to write and at the very least I've managed to end up completely disengaged due to still reading a couple of fics like Neckbeard's and Zaid's, but sadly right now pony is on the backburner. I'm hoping once I have my degree things will normalize.

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My corpse entry is done!
I look forward to seeing the end result.
>>41181551
I hope your life stabilises soon and you can return to pony. It's a shame you're not taking part in the collab.

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>>41181657
Thank you, Anon. These are bad weeks, but hey, at least once you hit rock bottom it can only get better, right? I'm excited to see the corpse once it's done. At least this way I'll be able to write a review or something with no horse of my own in the race.

>>41181677
>at least once you hit rock bottom it can only get better, right?
Pickaxes exist.
Nevertheless, I wish you the best.

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>>41181702
Right!

>>41181332
Wrong. The typical catholic collar is pure black with a white centre. This has two rows, one white and one black atop one another.
Unlike the other Anon I won't say spirituality doesn't exist in Equestria. However, given the prevalence of the Sun and Moon, they're really closer to traditional European polytheism, in terms of aesthetics. Which is good. Monotheism is inherently a Jewish concept, and Equestria is most similar to white culture. It's why the Pegasi cities are so rooted in Hellenistic design. Canonically speaking also, no Monotheistic deity is ever mentioned. But Cerberus and Tartarus are canon and Jove is mentioned by name. Also, the existence of the days of the week as we know them (Tuesday/Wednesday, etc) implies the concept of Tyr and Woden as well. Interesting stuff.

>>41181344
You say that as though ponies wouldn't worship Celestia beyond what she's actually capable of.

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>>41181799
I'm using your post as an excuse to post another Luna, but that's really all it's good for.

>>41181750
One key aspect of traditional European polytheism is converting to Christianity

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>>41181750
>they're really closer to traditional European polytheism, in terms of aesthetics.
>Which is good.
>Monotheism is inherently a Jewish concept,
>and Equestria is most similar to white culture.
Disgusting larpagan.

>>41181813
kek

If Knighty was a Changeling irl and offered to change into the woman of your dreams for up to an hour, and the two of you could do whatever you wanted, would you take him up on it?

>>41181821
>If Knighty was a Changeling irl
I would beat him to death with a brick.

>>41181821
I'd make him restore the twilicorn tag and implement a proper filtering system.

>>41181806
>ponies are perfectly purely logical entities
>they would never ever see two divine beings and overestimate their abilities
There are probably many thousands of ponies who think the two alicorns created ponies, the world, and/or the entire universe.

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>>41181824
You only have an hour, though. He would probably lose consciousness before you finished making him load up the development and deployment tools. You're just going to try and get maintainer access on the source repo? You'll need at least two sessions to get it done.
Also, group ID 206145 exists and is representative of the effect of the tag you want.

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>>41181829

>>41181848
I sincerely doubt only 279 unicorn Twilight stories exist.

>>41181824
Oy vey, quit being homophobic.

>>41181852
I'm genuinely not sure why this set off your autism.

>>41181821
I am not gay. I have relationships with men and make them cum.

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>>41181869
That's probably because it didn't? I'm just having a good time posting pretty Lunas, without any need to repeat what's further up the thread.

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>>41181551
I'll cross my fingers for you.

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>>41181858
Until the day I can filter them out, I WILL downvote every single fic whose premise I disapprove of.

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Question: how far can I go with body transformation and still stay within a T-rating?
As in, describing changes happening to a body.
No gore or blood, but what I envision involves bones changing places and muscles rupturing and healing fast as they grow.

>>41181892
>how can I pass my horrible fetish off as kid-friendly?
Ask the grooming server:
https://discord.gg/JxVYc6k

>>41181551
Good luck with you prostate exam.

>>41181897
>my horrible fetish
Rude!
It's actually just trying to describe the process of alicorn ascension without naming it as such. The idea is for the reader to see this happening and then go "Oh, wait. She's becoming an alicorn."
Pinkie doesn't go through with it in the end, anyway.

>>41181903
>sprouts wings
>just pushes them back in

>>41181889
>pretty Lunas
Debatable. Especially the MagnaLuna stuff is very gaudy and kitsch

>>41181892
describe it as muscle spasms and it looking like someone wrestling with a pool noodle in a pillowcase

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>>41182134
Nah, MagnaLuna usually draws very pretty Lunas. Usually, dusthiel does not draw pretty Lunas, but they are at least cute.

>>41176589
which is the best TwiLuna fanfiction?

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>>41182373
Probably Apotheosis & its sequel Triptych, but there are lots of good ones: >>40891136

>>41181108
>Having proven herself time and time again,
I have to again strongly recommend you cut this. This is an extremely weak opening; it's a cliche phrase that gives the reader no information at all about the story. You are trying to communicate something about why Twilight has this chance, but the long description is the wrong place for that. The long description is a sales pitch. Your sales pitch begins with the literary equivalent of, "But wait, there's more!"
>The Hole
>a gaping abyss defying all magic
Oh, so it's a Zecora porn story!

>>41181821
Yes. First I'd make him don programmer socks. Then I'd make him work on the damn site for an hour while I went somewhere else and wrote.

>tfw you get sweaty writing a 1k scene
I hate summer.

>>41181115
>It's not canon
>The most dangerous magical feat known to ponykind.
Granted, it was one of the most boring episodes of S8, but it's still in the show. Weirdly, the show seems to have really avoided referring to the general pony species (e.g. "mankind" "humanity"). Ponydom only has two uses, ponykind only one, and equine only three.

>>41181750
> Monotheism is inherently a Jewish concept
You mean Persian. Zoroastrianism beats the Jews by several hundred years.

>>41181750
>no Monotheistic deity is ever mentioned
"Geez" is used three times, "Jeepers" is used once, and "gosh" is used 72 times so that's not technically true. "Heck" is also used 11 times, so the concept of a place of damnation after death appears to be canon, as Tartarus is just a prison and doesn't serve it's mythological function.

>>41181821
Sure. Can't wait to bitch at him for an hour about his fanfic site. He needs to change the damn logo back to the Dash one since he's never sold a single piece of merch and genfic's dead now.

>>41181892
>stay within a T-rating
It's always about level of detail. The more detail, the closer to M. The less, the safer. If your fic's already T, then there shouldn't be much issue since the tone will already be setting how detailed the narrator's going to get.

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>>41182793
>Sweaty because summer is a cunt
I know the pain. I despise it with every fibre of my being, I just want winter and more winter.
British housing is sturdy as fuck, but designed to keep heat in, and it's always hell come this time of year. It's like wading through soup.

Dead general.

>>41183128
At least he died in battle.

>>41183142
Losing to AIDS doesn't get you a purple heart.

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>>41183239
>No teats
baka

>>41183247
Lead by example.

>>41183128
>>41183239
This thread is just a weekly semen retention exercise where anons on the weekend or in the book club can release their backed up thick jelly globs of refined autism. These faggots be working on weekdays; being upstanding, contributing members of society (White, like ponies). So stop bumping the fucking thread so we can all die.

If the general is only alive because of the book club, we should have a book club every day.

>>41183361
You're exaggerating. The book clubs add maybe 30 posts per week on average. That's barely more than 10% of the thread.

>60% random off topic rambling & obvious bait posts
>10% super serious book club discussions
>10% seething rage over HIE fics, AIE stories, and Fimfic
>8% tortured writers anguishing over their crippling writer's block
>7% worst princess simping
>5% actual substantive fanfic discussion & recs

>>41183384
>he wants his thread to be substantive and readable

>>41183384
Ever since we slowed down the thread has been disastrously more on-topic.

>>41183128
Sure, sort of. Although this thread in particular seems to be faster than the last few was. We're not even three days in, and already past 200 posts. Previous thread lasted about two weeks.

>>41181892
That seems fine for teens. Now if she shits out her uterus in the process, you might be pushing the line.

>>41183514
That's really not too bad. Most threads on the board wish that they could get a new one every two weeks.

>>41182408
Sure, sure; that does sound right. I'll have you know that you forcibly improved my fic's description against my will.

>>41183584
Although I might delay publishing it for another day seeing how competitive the box is right now. Some SoL story with a 13-0 score posted last night didn't even get to the sandbox.

>>41183556
most threads on the board wish for death's sweet embrace.

>>41183593
>when even 8-0 stories usually make it
That's the thousand words contest for ya

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>>41183384
>worst princess
I hate the tunigger as much as any reasonable individual, but that's a little too far.

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>>41183384
I'm at least 50% of the 8% of tortured writer posts

>>41183867
Mad unicorn Twi is cute

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>>41181445
Cleared the reply box twice while trying to reply
>https://www.fimfiction.net/story/560081/red-sun-descending
I occasionally take AUs at face value, and this is one of those fics. While it does go against my personal writing ethos, it stood out enough for me to make it worth it. It had the subtlety and make of Celestia, and I really appreciated it for that. It'd be far worse if it ended/continued differently, but with the given context of serving ponykindom, that longing for the bloodshed hit just right.
>https://www.fimfiction.net/story/559747/ten-minutes-or-more
Thanks! I forgot to make a post about it on Fimfic, but I did mention in a signal boost from Biscuit that it was really for me. Kind of like 'Mason', really. I'm honestly pretty haunted by my most successful story being HiE, but it still makes others and me happy, so, there's that.
>https://www.fimfiction.net/story/559537/shallow-earth
I'm very glad to hear that you loved it. I probably should have refined it some more, but here's to hoping I don't get cucked by another 'honorable mention' again.
Also, I was doing these stories to get back into the swing of things, in preparation for my corpse entry. Pic related for a peek at what'll probably be my last 1k contest submission.
>Blueblood wants to beat Celestia at her own game. Unfortunately for him, that requires some thought. Also, it's not even her game.

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It might be some time before I get to shill again, so here it is, my new fic:
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/557039/the-hole
It's something I wanted to write for a while: a Horror story with strong Lovecratian influences. Do read it if pony cosmic horror sounds like something you might enjoy! I'm pretty proud of how this came out.

And it feels good to finally have my own contribution to Circles, Needles, and Monuments of fimfiction.

>>41184175
Sweet. I'll read it and give you a review tonight.

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>>41184175
Congrats on the feature.

>>41184225
I'm looking forward to it!

>>41184365
Thanks. I was worried about it before posting; I almost delayed it by three more weeks to dodge the ongoing contests.
Maybe it's different for everyone, but hitting that dreaded 'Submit' button is always when my confidence in what I wrote is at its lowest.

>>41184365
Immediate thumbs down just for causing that ponydom vs. ponykind autism ITT

>>41184017
That cover art is shaping up to be really nice. Hope the fic will match its quality

>>41184412
I like using ponydom for it's connection to S1.

>>41184533
Of course you like being dommed.

>>41184533
>it's

>>41184556
Shush. It's an automatic reflex to punctuate sometimes.

>>41184556
Please excuse the EFL scum, they don't know any better.

>>41184560
>It's

>>41184567
You can't gaslight there.

>>41184569
>therapy speak

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>>41184569
Speaking of gaslighting, I've been really enjoying reading Asylum for the first time, but only having 8 chapters left makes me sad.

>>41184588
Yeah hopefully it updates one day.

>>41184588
Enjoy it while it lasts, anon. This was the fic that made me swear to avoid unfinished stories. On the flip side, you'll get to join us in waiting for the next chapter.
Any year now...

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>>41184591
>>41184592
Yeah, just gotta keep on hoping.

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>>41184606
>ghosted readers for 2 years
Tsk, get on my level kid.

>>41184175
Man, i love Lovecraft-inspired fiction. This one has got it all - the appropriately-styled prose, the vague feeling of having touched something ominous and otherworldly, the mounting tension as the main hero gets closer to the truth and her mind wears thinner, and finally - The Revelation. It checked all the boxes for me as a Lovecraft fan. By the way, i'm the guy from the previous thread - can i translate your story into Russian?

To the anon who posted "taking a bite out of the big apple" - sorry. I've read your story but it didn't really click with me the way this one did. As i mentioned before, i didn't promise anything.
>>41184588
Yeah, it's a pity that the story is abandoned, i loved it. Especially considering the fact that it got cut off just at the moment where things began picking up

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>>41183384
If you can't handle the best best princess thread on the board, just close the tab!

>>41184769
You're the Brandon Hole of moonfags.

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>>41184776
No, that's not how it works. First, you make an effigy and and then you do the prayers to it. Now that you've posted your wish on 4chan, it will never happen.

>tfw you write 1k, scrap it entirely, then immediately write another 1.5k to replace it
I'm glad I finally broke through the wall on the "chapter showing why Celestia rejects the archmage's plan".

>>41184588
>reading a deadfic
I once made that mistake, thinking I could accept the reality. I won't make it again.

>>41184868
How different is the current 1.5k from the old 1k?

Deadfics are a forbidden fruit of fanfiction. You know that you will regret it later, but something still inexorably drives your closer

>>41184897
>You know that you will regret it later, but something still inexorably drives your closer
(Dead)fics for this feel?

>>41184916
Mine.

>>41184916
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/500819/

>>41184916
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/6735/equestrias-twilight

>>41184942
Silly Anon. That's not a deadfic.
>>41184974
Didn't the author of that one die for realsies?

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How are you holding up, anon. How's that writing going.

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>>41185013
I finished writing a story and got the reception I expected. I'm happy with it.
I struggled, but managed to finish my corpse entry. I look forward to it. Maybe we should read it in one of the clubs.
I'm working on a post-mortem of my story so I can procrastinate a bit before I go back to my main story. Just a couple chapters left. For sure.
>>41184677
Hey, no biggie. I'm glad you gave it a read anyway. Maybe someday I'll write something that's more your cup of tea.
>>41184175
You'll get a bigger review in a couple hours, but I'll just say the upvote was earned.

>>41184677
I'm glad that you liked it so much; this was in part an experiment in trying to write something with stylized prose.
>can i translate your story into Russian?
Damn, now I feel kind of really bad for "stealing" a translator from another anon (especially when I liked his fic), but I definitely won't say no. Thanks.

>>41185013
>How are you holding up, anon.
I'm not.
>How's that writing going.
It's not.

>>41185087
>not edging yourself so your libido can fuel your writing.
ngmi

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>>41185098
Alas, I haven't gotten around to learning one-handed touch typing.

Why does every other faggot on here make his masturbation habits public record?

>>41185129
Why are pride parades a thing?
They get off on being seen.

>>41185013
I wrote about one thousand words a few days ago, but none of them were to do with the story I need to finish already.

>>41185109
Even with a chorded keyboard, you'd want the other hand on a mouse, or a trackball, another chorded keyboard, or something other than your dick.

>>41185171
>he can't play a chord on his flesh flute
embarrassing.

>>41185087
>in a few hours
Incel detected.

>>41185195
most of the time is spent crying.

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>>41185129
I agree, Anon. As being one of the last pure vanilla sfw romance appreciators it's hard to stomach this sad degeneracy. The gooner and Luna fags (Especially Loona gooners) must fucking hang.

>>41185256
Okay, Oedipus.

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>>41185264
I pray for you, Anon. Find Jesus and repent, Galatians 5:19-26.

>>41185290
What for, so I can kill him again?

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>>41185319
Jesus cannot be killed as he has defeated death and attained eternal life. You too can attain it and be by his side with God, maybe it'll also be enough time for you to write a fic worth a shit.

>>41185331
What kind of fics would Jesus like?

>>41185333
HiE romance, Semisatan.

>>41185339
Don't implicate me into that gay shit faggot, HiE niggers get vented straight into space on the New Earth.

>>41185353
What happened to loving your fellow man?

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>>41185370
I believe those who enjoy HiE are merely those who are stumbling in their journey. In good time they'll realize the errors of their ways and see the truth, or perish. I can only love my fellow man as much as my flesh can bear, and calling them "man" is mighty generous of you.

The HIE genre is not for the faint of heart. It’s not just about sending humans into the world of Equestria; it’s about transcending the boundaries of fiction itself. Just as you wouldn't expect to stumble upon a Shakespearean play in a high school drama class, or find the nuances of a Tolstoy novel in a community book club, you simply cannot expect a mere fanfic writer to grasp and master the profound depths and soul-stirring complexities of the HIE genre. It's the apex of storytelling. Too intricate, too delicate, too soulful for most to comprehend, let alone capture in writing. The problem isn’t with the genre. The issue lies in its towering grandeur, which is just too monumental for the average writer. We don't lack good HIE stories; we lack the literary giants to pen them.

>>41185413
This is a low quality post. I hope you get banned.

>>41185013
I almost wrote something this time. My cursor was hovering over "New story", but eventually I didn't click it.
Do I get something for the effort?

>>41185508
You get the peace of mind of not having to write a story.

https://www.fimfiction.net/group/215333/beans-writing-group/thread/541572/the-new-blood-contest-second-edition
>Participant accounts must not have been created before 2019, as this contest is for newer members of the community.
>Participant accounts must not have ever reached 128 or more followers before the announcement of the contest.
Good news, all you n00bs.
Here's a contest just for you.

>>41185413
Bro even American high schools teach Shakespeare

>>41185416
>>41185877
The fact that this stupid pasta, which gets reposted every other month, still gets ~2 fresh replies every time gives hope for the future of /fimfic/.

>>41185826
what's the secret bonus?

>>41185826
I've been in the non-fic and non-writing parts of the fandom for several years and even though I could participate, I don't know if that's in the spirit of the "new blood" contest. Seeing one of our threadly anons in the comments seems to imply that it's fine.

What's with all the ads on fimfiction? I tried to read a story on my tablet and literally a quarter of my screen is ads. Hard to get fucking immersed in pony when you constantly have fat throbbing flashing ads demanding your immediate attention. What the fuck man.

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>>41186121
I think it's something that the judges know and just hope someone does by chance.
>>41186125
picrel.
The spirit is to give new people a chance. And there are plenty of post-2019 users here.

>>41186163
It's not that hard to install adblocking software, Anon.

>>41186163
Something changed recently, yeah. I've noticed it too.
You can become a site supporter or get an adblocker to get rid of them.

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>>41186168
>The spirit is to give new people a chance.
Right, but "new people" can mean either "new to fandom" or "new to fimfic". Both would make sense in the context, since people from that second group also lack the experience and followers that the older writers amassed over time. That's how I read it, though I wouldn't want to act like an asshole in a friendly new writer contest.
>plenty of post-2019 users here
I was talking about someone who's been writing for /mlp/ for a decade before switching to fimfic.

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>>41185013
>How are you holding up, anon
We are so fucking back. Thanks for all the encouragement, Anons. I passed with flying colors.
>How's that writing going.
It's not currently, but I hope to get back to it soon.

>>41184175
You've gotten a preemptive boosting upvote, but I'll try to read your fic soonTM. The premise sounds exciting.

>>41186220
Congrats, now you can be a true intellectual.

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>>41186220
>I passed with flying colors.
Good job

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>>41186199
If someone watched the show as it aired until it ended and then joined fimfic to look for more content, wouldn't you consider them new blood? Even if they enjoyed pony picture roundups on EqD beforehand?

2019 was several years ago, but I consider fics written in the 2020s "new"
The contest rightly excludes authors that became horsefamous recently, but it otherwise seems in the spirit. You could also consider excluding yourself if you hold old fandom opinions like shipping CheeriMac. That would be out of the spirit. Most likely, no newbies would do that.

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>>41186220
Congratulations! Now you can find a job and realize how good you've had it so far.
I was disappointed to find out that there aren't any ponyfied versions of the Congratulations! meme.

>>41186185
>giving money to knighty so he can mope about how hard it is doing fuck all
What makes a man do this?

>>41186230
But I've already argued about shit almost nobody cares about while sitting hunched in front of my PC. University was a scam!

>>41186280
I've already managed to snatch a position and will be starting real soon. I'm very nervicited as Pinkie would say.

>>41186199
>Right, but "new people" can mean either "new to fandom" or "new to fimfic"
Or "new to writing", which IMO would make more sense for a writing contest. Instead of banning anyone who made an account before 2019, they should ban anyone who posted a fic before 2019.

>>41185826
>No usage of machine learning algorithms is allowed, for writing, editing, brainstorming, or anything else outside the scope of regular spellchecking tools.
Wow, that's even stricter than the mods' already-unhinged position on AI

>>41180176
FAG!