>lights dim, kino is about to start>loud islamic prayer rings around West Ham stadium>goes on for about a minute>suddenly, a mujhadeen rocket strikes the Big Ben>it's showtime>ACK!>keir starmer has just been beheaded in the middle of the stadium!>audible gasp from the london crowd>a black hand emerges and picks up starmer's head>it's stormzy>camera closes up>WHAT? WHAT PUSSY? SHUTDOWN.>Hip Hop music blares across the city>everyone and their mothers get up and start dancing to stormzy's latest track>King Charles emerges from the shadows >he points his hand across>it's the Union Jack!>oh no wait, a TRANS BLM PALESTINE hybrid flag has just been draped in front of it>we england now.>after the hip hop opener, is the 'bin the knife' segment>warwick davis waddles on dressed in blackface and an afro>veeery problematic but since he's a midge it's ok>he goes around trying to stab school kids while they all just laugh>failing to do so, they release the "beast">a 5ft pakistani policewoman runs across and tackles warwick down>the crowd ERUPTS>King Charles shouts "THIS IS OLYMPICS!">an episode of love island plays>it's time for the athletes to come out>pretty normal so far, raven saunders doing her usual twerking in bane mask>W-WHATS THIS?>she's got nigel farage naked on a leash like a dog>"WOOF FOR ME WHITEBOY">he woofs>"YEAAA DAS RITE">she rewards him with a gassy toot straight from the depths of south carolina>"SNIFF IT UP WHITEBOY">he proceeds "YES, YES VERY LOVELY, VERY LOVELY AROMA. WONDERFUL EVEN.">We proceed on >The dutch pedo athlete is surrounded by the East London grooming gang and has been offered head position.>he accepts>old school british rock music has put the crowd to sleep>time to light the cauldron, who will it be?
>A BALD HEAD BLINDS THE CROWD>I can't believe this. It's Pep Guardiola. He's somehow rigged his way into this.>116th charge>BOOOS FROM THE CROWD>BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO>Robbie and Troopz lead the boos while dressed in medieval knight armour>BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO>Pep has that smug look on his face that he always has>he jogs up the stairs to the they/them cauldron>does a little hip wiggle and is about to light it>SUDDENLY>"GIBSMEDAT">Raven Saunders takes it off Pep's oily hands>ONE. MORE. CAROLINA. BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP.>She SHARTS into the flamess like a kween>the fumes spread far and wide and across the country signifying America's dominance over us>THIS IS POWERFUL>camera pans over to our starboy Saka>He smiles and says "This Olympics finna be zesty ong">CROWD ROARS>THE OLYMPIC GAMES HAVE BEGUN
